C. Jones wrote:

This *feels* like an attack. I don't think it is, and the message contains
very good C&C, so I'll try to treat it like that. Maybe I'm just being
oversensitive.

It wasn't meant to be such.  At most it was an expression of displeasure at the fact
you asked for C&C and then turned around and basically said that you weren't going to
listen to it...even if that's not what you meant to say.

I've been reading this fic for awhile.  I don't know if I will for very much longer
because of what I saw your reply was next.  I've been meaning to send you some
comments for some time, but hadn't gotten around to it til this sort of prompted me
to submit something.

 >I rather enjoy the use of the side characters such as Nodoka and Gosunkugi.
 >However, you've neglected to put in just what kind of powerhouse Ryouga
is (for
 >example)...especially when angered.  I'm pretty sure he'd be hunting them
down like
 >Ranma and dealing blows of equal or even greater magnitude against them
when made
 >truly aware of the situation.

The story does center around Ranma. He is the primary character. He's also
been 'powering up', growing more and more skilled against his foes while
fighting the Ravener King in earlier chapters. In the scene, Cologne is the

And while Ryouga (I mention him a lot because he's the second chief powerhouse of the
series aside from the major villains) has become Nabiki's boy toy, the idea that he
wouldn't go out there and help fight the Raveners...or run into them as he'd probably
be wont to do, is not something I find creadible.  His list of techniques is wide and
varied, just like Ranma's and can be improved upon or even taken to the next level if
you wanted to portray Ryouga as more than, "Me, Grimlock!" The others, Ukyou, Genma,
Mousse...when fighting these things might think...or probably should be thinking,
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  At present level, we're as good as dead!  These things are an
immediate threat here and now!  We better step up our training to insane DBZ levels
if we're going to survive and take these things out."

Just because Ranma is the primary character, is no reason to not shift the focus from
him from time to time for extended periods at a time, and to note that others can get
to his level of expertise in dealing with these creatures...or even superior...and
that can be done and still keep Ranma as the centerpoint.

Again, I refer to the last bit of "Duet of Pigtails" (before the rewrite...don't know
if they still have the old version of the fic up) for a good example of how to do
this.

Anyone remember the Ranma cast vs the Forces of Darkness fic fitting this
description?  The Kunos were keeper of a seal, they dreamed of the all seeing eye,
there was this Ranma who came from an alternate future in the first few chapters
where everyone else had died...Kodachi actually died in these first few chapters, in
the last one Ranma was taken and tortured to the point his hair turned white?  Well,
if you can remember that one...the last chapter of that fic that was released had
another extremely badass all out fight with several character...especially Akane
(heaven forbid the obligatory damsel in distress grows a spine and starts taking
matters into her own hands...this is a generic comment, not directed at anyone in
particular).  And Ranma was still a pretty pivotal character.

observer, so she spends more time focusing on those who interest and
concern her most... Ranma and the Tendou girls.

Ryouga *is* supposed to be doing incredible damage to the ravener he and
Ukyou are fighting. He's not using his more spectacular attacks simply
because he's incoherent with grief. He's raging much more than depressed.

Fear.  Anger.  Depression.  Hatred.  I dunno, these are considered dark emotions and
from everything I've seen, Ryouga feeds on those...though depression is the most
common of his by far.

Kinda reminds me of an argument I had concerning the Light Hawk Wings.  If all that
Tenchi could do was make a sheild, a sword, and some battle armor with it...how the
hell did he preserve the lives of himself, Aeka, and Mihoshi while ripping them out
of a gravitational singularity.  In the fic in question, Tenchi had been wounded by
an energy blade and the LHW couldn't do anything for him.  I had to ask about that,
and the response was that Tenchi's blade could only do the shiled/sword/armor thing
(and this after I know the author had watched OVA series 2).

What I'm trying to say is, if you try to understand the powers they possess...it's
often easy to see how they can be used to other purposes or other related foci...and
even beginners in martial arts are told about adaptation and improvisation.

Because of the unique PoV, this does get kind of neglected. Upon revision,

Wouldn't really call it unique.  I see it often enough in Ranma fanfiction.

I'll probably do a bit more to demonstrate exactly how far gone Ryouga is
at this point.

 >Even with this last chapter, the focus in the melee
 >combat was only upon Ranma...token notices being given to Ryouga, Ukyou,
etc...

As was I intended it. Despite their strengths, the others are ineffective
against the raveners.

...will this change?  I'm not sure I can believe that, but will this change?  If not,
then write out the other characters.  Spare them the fate of becoming like the humans
of DBZ (especially the Tree of Might movie humans...)  That is no way to treat any
character of any series, and if they're that useless they might as well just not BE
there.

 >You had a good chance here to describe an all out brawl here, with detail
level and
 >characterisation that could have been equivalent to the last few chapters
of "Duet of
 >Pigtails" before the rewrite (that brawl scene was awesome...I've only
seen one other
 >like it, and that one on another Ranma cast vs the forces of demonic
hordes fic whose
 >name escapes me presently), but...you didn't, focusing instead on Ranma's
skill and
 >characterisation almost exclusively in such matters.

Again, here what I was trying to portray was not a brawl, but a desperate
holding tactic while Gos tries to get his magic spell to work. The other
characters are not weaklings by any means, but I'm trying to portray that
Ranma and the vamps are the only characters that even have a chance of
holding their own against the monsters.

Again, I seriously doubt this would be the case.  While I can see it with characters
such as Akane (even vamped), Ukyou, and several others...I don't see this being the
case with Mousse (I know, he wasn't there), Ryouga or even a couple others.  While
unaccustomed to fighting the Raveners, those 2 especially wouldn't be hopelessly
outclassed, and I doubt Genma would be all that useless as well.

It doesn't have to BE like this.  Ranma can still be the focal point, but the other
characters don't have to be ignored...in either personality or in fighting skill, and
the improvement thereof...even to the point of meeting Ranma's level, or just being
better in some areas than he is, as he is better in some areas than they.  Yu Yu
Hakusho is very good about this sort of story telling, for example.

If anything, this tells me that I need to make the raverners more powerful.

And keep Ranma as effective against them as he is?  You already had him going on a
one man take down of them, without anyone else like him figuring these things are a
major threat and they should probably hunt them down and attempt to waste them which
stretches the bounds of creadibility...I think if you did this, you'd snap it, and
just make another Ranma=God fic.

The scene could probably use some more detail. It may ultimately switch
back and forth between Cologne's PoV and a more omniscient PoV on the floor
of the auditorium during the fight to allow further description.

Or switching between the individual fights POV themselves.  It'd be longer, but could
be done...and that's how it was done in the other two melee fighting scenes I
mentioned before.

 >But then you pretty much said that the plot was final, so I probably just
wasted my
 >time. ^^;;

Again, I want to interpret this as an attack, but I don't think that's the
case. Please don't treat me like an immature asshole just because everyone

Like I said, more my displeasure at stating a request for C&C and then saying you
really didn't want it in the last part of your post...even if that's not what you
meant to say.

Just because I (or anyone else) makes plot recomendations, doesn't mean you have to
include them.  But we do that as part of the C&C...who knows, you might find
something you want to use, or think you should have explored further when someone
mentions such a plot point.

says I am. I'm not. I haven't acted like one and I'm not going to act like one.

I truly appreciate this bit of C&C. It does indeed help me polish my story.
It helps me to focus in on what's important about it and what's not.

Thanks for reading my story, K'thardin, and thanks for taking the time to
offer your comments.

No problem.

K'thardin
"I am the number you cannot compute, Decepticon."
	-Omega Supreme


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