At 11:44 PM -0800 27/2/03, "Christopher J. "McFarland wrote:
Before I launch into the fic itself, some general comments. While this
is a sound story idea, with great grammar, story construction, and story
flow, it has a few flaws.
I agree with a lot of Chris's comments. But I have to take issue with
one or two ...
Second, the existing characters are just a /touch/ OOC. Ranma could
certainly see Mifa as a challenge later on, but what happened to "don't
hit girls" in the first place? (as for the original Amazon Village
incident, you'd have to ask Takahashi herself)
This has, I think, become something of a fanfic cliche. As far as I can
see, Ranma has never had any particular problem with hitting girls. In
the early volumes, for example, he showed no hesitation against Shampoo or
Kodachi. Later on, he didn't exactly hold back against Kiima either.
His actual attitude, I think, is to hold back against those who are no
serious threat. When fighting Akane, for example, he ends the battle
with a touch, more than once.
Mifa is here shown as a formidable opponent, and he treats her as such.
Akane has clearly shown
willingness to bean Ranma whenever a girl so much as breaths in his
direction. Why suddenly is she leaving him alone? Not to mention
Akane's sudden passivity.
Actually, as often as not in the canon, Akane simply fumes in the background
... and then beans him later, when they're alone.
Finally, is this a Ranma fic, or a Mifa fic? If it's a Ranmafic, the
focus should be on Ranma. If the main character is going to be Mifa,
_she_ is going to have to be the one to grow and adapt. Elsewise, you
have the old SI rearing it's ugly head, where one character is the "god"
character who can, seemingly, do no wrong. If you /are/ going to keep
the focus on Mifa, change your approach to Ranma, that way, this could
work. What I mean is since Mifa would be your main character, she will
have to do the changing, while Ranma, while peripherally growing, would
never experience sudden changes to his character. (Rather like the way
Ryoga was treated in the canon series.) ...I'm rambling, you probably
get the point.
Or is it a "Ranma and Mifa" fic, in which both characters can get equal
treatment?
I agree that Mifa, as shown, is too perfect, and somewhat inconsistent
in her "rebel"-hood. As for the rest ... it seems to me that the author
is taking this story in a different direction that the canon, lessening or
dropping the lunatic-comedy aspect and taking a more character-driven
line. This is a perfectly valid approach, of coure, but you have to
remember that it doesn't carry the same imperatives as the comedy one.
> "Is very big shame for Amazon to lose to outsider! Worse than
death!" he explained.
Ranma's eyes went extremely wide. "Why didn't you tell me
that!"
"Sorry!"
This section is too long. We all know about the tournament and the
prize, and there is really very little enlightening about the new
character beyond her borderline disregard for Amazon tradition. This is
confused in a little bit.
I'm ... not sure that I agree that it's too long. The difference in focus,
in paticular seeing how Cologne and Mifa are approachin the fight, works for
me.
> Mifa sighed and watched the outsider run away.
"You have to chase her, you know," Cologne said, hopping up
from behind her. "And kill her," she added after a moment's
thought. "The pride of the Amazons demands it."
"Yes, Great-grandmother," she said absently.
"Even to the ends of the earth."
"Yes, Great-grandmother," Mifa said, turning around. "I do
know what is required of me." She walked to her family's house
to pack.
"You win?" Shampoo asked as she entered the door. Her
> cousin was still sick, too sick to go outside, but that didn't
dampen her enthusiasm. Shampoo had been the odds on
> favorite; if Mifa won, Shampoo would still be considered the
best of the young fighters, considering the general opinion
towards Mifa.
"I won," Mifa said, smiling. "But an outsider girl ate my prize. I
let her kick me off the challenge log to settle the score."
Shampoo's eyes widened and she cooed. "My cousin is a
sneaky one! You did that just so you could give her the kiss of
death?"
Mifa smiled as she walked past Shampoo. "Yes, something like
that."
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
This scene is /entirely/ unnecessary. Why is it even included? Were
this a movie and I a producer, this would be the first thing on the
cutting room floor.
Definitely disagree here. If for no other reason than that Mifa is one
of the two central characters of this story, and her sending-off is
important enough to be included. But I think that the scene stands on its
own well enough in any case. It doesn't contribute a lot, story-wise.
But it is important, character-wise.
> "He did, didn't he?" Mifa said, smiling. She started laughing
happily, took a horse stance, and punched at the air. "Ha! I win
again! Invincible!"
SI scene. This is the Ranmaverse. You don't beat Ranma (unless it's
something totally silly like a prefab bed making competition.) in the
Ranmaverse. /Especially/ not at martial arts.
Gee, could this be why we see Ranma furiously working at training to defeat
her, just a little later?
This isn't rampant SI, this is a character being justifiably smug. Sure
Ranma will beat her later. Don't knock the scene just because he hasn't
had time to do it yet.
Just some closing remarks; I like the new curse (spring of drowned
turtle), but I don't know where it would fit in the rewrite if you plan
to address all the issues I've pointed out. You're a good writer with
potential, try studying some of the "masters of the craft," such as
Katherine Kurtz, Anne McCaffery, and Robert Aspirin.
*snort* I'm sory, but your choice of writers made me laugh out loud.
Of the three you name, only Asprin (note spelling) writes in anything
like the same genre as Ranma, and (though YMMV, of course) as a writer,
Asprin doesn't rate above middle-of-the-road.
My own comments on the story ...
Well, I like it so far. It has problems, as Chris has pointed out (I
_do_ agree with a lot of what he said), but far fewer than many that I've
also liked.
If Tarou can keep it up, while (hopefully) making Mifa a little less
perfect, I'll happily keep reading.
Cheers,
Angus