John Biles writes:
Oddly, I've spent the last week or two staring glumly at my
WoT books, trying to decide if I dare read them all again so
I can figure out what's going on in Book 10. So I'll
pretend that reading this fic is like studying. Yeah.
> This passage is hard to interpret, especially since
> Moemi Sedai kept switching genders for no apparent reason
> in the last sentence...This is usually thought to be the
> result of scribal error, or perhaps Moemi Sedai's famed
> penchant for various ales, yet the references to wielding
> both halves of the one power make even less sense. No
> man can wield subin, no woman dubin. Thus, this prophecy
> seems unfullfillable. It does however, make clear the
> Ronin will be reborn on the Roninmount that marks his
> grave...
I've usually seen it called "transcription error", rather
than "scribal error," (which is not itself incorrect.)
> He was here on a mission of mercy...cruel mercy, a mercy
> that would only bring new pain...but mercy none the less.
> His old enemy Yusaku Godai Telemon had gone mad...and
> Ishamael, the destroyer of hope, was here to heal
> him...so that he might fully comprehend what he had done.
"nonetheless" is usually one word.
Personally, I find this paragraph a little too heavy with
the ellipses. The first two, at least, could easily be
replaced with comma. In fact, the whole prologue is a bit
ellipsis-intensive for my taste, though that's admittedly
stylistic.
> The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving
> memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and
> even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it
> birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by
> some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a young man
> was getting a beating. It was not his first beating. It
> would not be his last. The beating was not a beginning.
> There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning
> of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.
Heh.
> Kurz Cauthon was tall and lanky and very blond. While
> he had some definition to his figure, he could not
> measure up to Ryouga for sheer power. He had blonde hair
> down past his shoulders and a clean shaven face. Blue
> eyes gazed at the angry Ukyou , trying to get a feeling
> for whether to stay or to run. He was dressed in a green
> woolen shirt and black pants, with brown boots. A long
> wooden push broom was clutched in his hands. Among other
> "occupations", Kurz picked up a few extra pennies doing
> cleaning for people...In fact that was how they had
> gotten in trouble...
"angry Ukyou, trying to" (extra space)
> Hinako says, "Mr. Cauthon. Being a delinquent again, I
> see. Tisk tisk. And you know what we do with
> delinquents." Miss Hinako, Wisdom of Nerima's field, did
> not look very threatening. In fact, she looked like
> little more than a ten year old with a single black braid
> running down her back, clad in a yellow dress, several
> siizes too large. She waggled a finger at Kurz, who
> paled.
I don't think I've ever seen "tisk" instead of "tsk." But
then, I haven't seen a lot of things. ;)
It should probably be "Nerima's Field," since it's a proper
name. (That applies throughout the chapter.)
> With a now deeper and fuller voice, Hinako boomed. "And
> to complete your punishment, you will apologize to
> everyone." She turned to glare at Ryouga and Ranma.
> "And you two will make sure he does so!" She stormed
> into the inn. "Come help me, Ukyou . We have work to do
> helping all those poor people who drank henwort." Ukyou
> nodded and followed her inside.
"Hinako boomed, 'And to....'" (comma instead of period.)
> Kurz shoke with tiredness, saying, "Just like an Aes
> Sedai out of the legends, she is."
"Kurz shook" (?)
> Ranma said, "You haven't been whacked half as many times
> in the head by her as I have. She'll probably get over
> it once it sinks in that it's all Kurz's fault, but..."
> He continued to stare at the building.
> Kurz moaned a bit and croaked, "C'mon Ranma. You
> know she never stays mad at you. Oh...let's get out of
> here before Hinako comes out and zaps me again." He
> staggered off muttering about women.
This one paragraph has a tab starting it off. Which is
trivial, mind you, but I thought you'd like to know. ;)
> Ranma blinked. "News. What news?"
Perhaps "News? What news?" (?)
> Master Happousai laughed. "A firework just like the
> one you nearly blew yourself up with as a child. "
> Everyone laughed. Kurz saw the burning fuse and tried to
> toss it away. BOOM! It exploded showering confetti all
> over Kurz, who staggered back. Everyone stared for a
> moment, then joined Happousai in laughing. "Beware my
> wrath, boy, beware my wrath." He laughed some more.
> Kurz began to laugh as well.
"It exploded, showering confetti" (need a comma)
> At that very moment, the doors of the inn opened up.
> Two unfamilar figures and a familar one charged out.
> Ukyou was in the lead, with a worried look on her face.
> She was followed by an impressive tall fellow, and by a
> woman as short as Happousai, walking with a staff twice
> her size. The tall fellow was handsome in a stern way,
> with steel grey eyes, a long brown moustache, and long
> dark brown hair that ran down to his shoulders. He wore
> brown leather with metal studs, and had an impressive
> looking sword strapped to his belt. A small golden crane
> clasp held in place two corners of the blue cloak draped
> over his shoulders. On his right hand was a simple
> silver ring. His companion was dressed in a loose blue
> dress of silk and lace. She was tall and elegant,
> matching her companion for height, with long green hair
> flowing down her back, and an expensive looking golden
> and silver hairpiece atop her head. She strode along
> with a walking stick firmly clasped in her right hand,
> though she didn't seem to really need it.
You give two, contradictory descriptions of Eleanor's height
(first one in the third sentence.) I'm guessing that
Eleanor/Moiraine was originally Cologne? I've started
reading the chapters up on thekeep.org, and there's a few
other similar errors -- mentioned Eleanor perched on her
staff, hopping along, etc.
> The little group turned and headed into the inn.
> Inside, pleasant smells drifted out of the kitchen, along
> with the sounds of frenzied activity. Master Al'vere and
> several members of the Village council were busily
> planning the Bel Tine celebration and trading stories of
> Bel Tines past. At another table, Genma was wolfing down
> food as fast as it could be brought to him.
You've used "Al'Vere" up until this point.
> Ranma laughed. "What would an Aes Sedai want in the
> Two Rivers? Buying tabac for the Amyrlin seat, I
> suppose?"
"Amyrlin Seat" (all capitalized)
> Kurz looked at him. "That's what your father said
> about lagmen, too. Or whatever that black cloaked fellow
> was."
Previously, you've been capitalizing "Lagman."
> "I am not an Aiel! I'm born and bred in the Two
> Rivers." It was Ranma's turn to look angry.
"I was born and bred," probably.
> A voice they did not expect spoke. "Listen to Ranma
> about what?" They all jumped a little. She laughed. It
> was Ukyou . "What did Kurz do this time?"
Extra space after Ukyou.
> Ukyou laughed. "A Lagman? Was it here to buy wool
> for uniforms for its Fanboy friends? Perhaps it wanted
> to hire Cenn Buie to thatch its roof? Or Willy Shatner
> to sing for it?"
Heh. Truly a sign of evil, that.
> Soon the sun began to set, and the evening chill
> crept across the village. Winter had been long and hard,
> and it seemed Winternight would live up to its name.
> Many of the villagers gathered with their families this
> night to celebrate and exchange gifts. Others gathered
> at the Winespring Inn to celebrate together, to listen to
> music and stories of times gone by, to fellowship with
> the guests from beyond Nerima's field. And most
> importantly, they came to dance! Basara was in fine
> fettle that night, playing everything from country tunes
> like "Fox in the henhouse", "Tinker, mend my pots",
> "Harvest Moon" and "The Ultimate Country Song", to more
> sophisticated tunes, like the ballad of Odin One-Eye and
> Dunsinane, the Caemlyn Waltz, and Ramen's Folly, a ballad
> about foolish king Ramen Damodred of Cairhien.
The song names should all be capitalized ("Fox in the
Henhouse," "Tinker, Mend My Pots," etc.)
> King Ramen brought down the Aiel upon his head by
> cutting down the sapling of Miltonbradliena, the tree of
> Life, suitable for players 8 and up, to build a housing
> development, and to make a monogrammed throne for
> himself. The Aiel had given the sapling to the Cairhien
> 500 years ago, for reasons unknown, giving them
> permission to trade with the isolationist wierdos of
> Cher, who all had bad taste in clothing, but made very
> good silk. Cher had once been allied with the other
> kingdom beyond the waste, Bono, the sunny land, but the
> two nations had since parted on bad terms. Also, all of
> Ramen's checks to the Aiel for silk bounced that year.
> The Aiel got annoyed and decided to foreclose on his
> head. The result was the Aiel war, in which king Ramen
> was slain and the property values of the housing
> development plummeted after the Aiel killed all of its
> inhabitants, burned it to the ground, and rearranged the
> ashes to spell, "Treekillers suck." in huge letters,
> easily visible from space, except that no one in space
> was watching. The Aiel were finally driven back by the
> united armies of the nations, after a fierce battle on
> the slopes of the Roninmount, home to the White Tower,
> home of the Aes Sedai. They returned to the Waste on the
> other side of the Spine of the World, leaving behind a
> land full of rapidly dropping property values, and a note
> to the new king noting they had confiscated the royal
> treasury to pay off Ramen's bad checks.
Mentioning the property values twice makes the joke fall a
bit flat, I think. I'd suggest dropping the first
reference, as the matter-of-factness the second time makes
me giggle.
> The Aiel remained figures of mystery, legendary
> black veiled warriors who slew without warning or mercy,
> bound in a web of incomprehensible laws and taboos, known
> as tic'tac'toe. It was even rumored that some women
> among them fought. They could hide in the shadow of a
> single upraised finger. The Aiel were thought of as
> strange and alien barbarians, but also as the greatest
> warriors of the time.
Some of this is a rehash from Ranma's thinking about Aiel
when talking with Eleanor, and comes across off as
repetitive (especially the "hiding in the shadow of a single
upraised finger").
> The Fanboys growled. "You're not worthy!" One
> leaped at him at with the mallet. The other said, "set
> phaser on kill!" It pointed the L at Ranma, and squeezed
> something. Nothing happened. Meanwhile, Ranma swung up
> his staff, blocking the mallet, then swinging it down to
> hit the Fanboy in the stomach. It staggered back. He
> struck the L knocking it away. The Fanboy ran after the
> L, yelling something about paying too much for that
> phaser to give it up that easily. The first Fanboy tried
> for a second swing and got a staff to the head. He
> passed out. Ranma turned to the second one and rapped it
> on the behind, knocking it down. The staff spun around
> and came down on the Fanboy's head. The Fanboy collapsed
> from the blow. Ranma breathed a sigh of relief.
"Set phaser on kill" (should be capitalized)
> The two Fanboys from the kitchen shouted, "You are
> already dead!" and charged. Ranma ducked low and lashed
> out with the staff, knocking them off their feet. Before
> they could get up, he rapped each of them in the head.
> He heard more footsteps outside. He bent over and
> grabbed the sword. It had blood on the blade, which was
> made of some black metal. A heron was stamped into the
> metal on each side. The hilt was white and unadorned.
> Ranma grabbed the scabbard, hastily cleaned the sword
> blade on a Fanboy's naked Nene by the pond shirt, and
> buckled the scabbard to his belt. Then he started trying
> to rouse his father.
I think it should be "naked 'Nene by the pond' shirt" (ie,
"Nene by the pond" in quotation marks).
> Basara nodded. "It seems Lady Eleanor is no lady.
> She is one of the Aes Sedai, and Roland her warder. With
> their help, we drove off the Fanboys before more than a
> stable could be burned." He shook just the tiniest bit.
> "But we still don't know how the Fanboys got here. So
> they did attack your farm? I wonder if...hmm."
Capitalize "Warder"?
> "He will be fine. He just needs rest. I did the
> best I could for him." She paused and hopped over, then
> poked Ranma's left breast with her staff. "Hmm. Quite
> real. Amazing. The water of transformation. I will
> enjoy studying this."
I don't really think Setsuna would "hop over." But then,
maybe the flirting with Basara has made her sprightly. ;)
> Eleanor said, "I am Aes Sedai. They are no longer
> safe here with Fanboys looking for them. I can protect
> them better than you. They need to go to the tower where
> they will be safe. For they are ta'averen. The wheel
> bends the pattern around them, and they bend the pattern
> in turn. The forces of the Shadow fear them, and seek to
> strike them down. And now I see that Ranma has further
> need of my aid. Perhaps in the Tower he can find the
> cure he seeks."
"They need to go the Tower" (capitalize)
> Roland said, "We must go swiftly. The lagmen and
> Fanboys will return in larger numbers soon. We must go
> before the sun rises if we intend to remain hidden."
> Hinako said, "I don't know if I can trust an Aes
> Sedai."
> Eleanor stared a moment. "You too are a channeler
> and would benefit from training in the tower."
> Hinako got red in the face. "I do not channel!"
> Eleanor shook her head. "I saw you blasting Fanboys
> to bits only an hour or so ago. May I ask how you did
> that without channeling?"
> Hinako said, "Any Wisdom can do that!"
This whole section (including the following paragraphs that
I snipped) is fairly repetitive in format. Name and action,
then dialogue. On top of that, there's a whole lot of "X
said." I'd suggest varying your sentence structure a bit,
and using other verbs.
> Lady Eleanor spoke. Everyone blinked as they realized
> she had returned. "Because the talent cannot be wasted.
> Hinako already channels whether she admits it or not.
> Ukyou has the talent to learn how. They must be trained.
> Tarmon Gai'don approaches. The Tower will need their
> strength when that day comes."
I'd suggest something like:
"Because the talent cannot be wasted." Eleanor's words
made everyone blinked, as they had not until now realized
she had returned. "Hinako...."
General impressions: Good story so far, with the potential
to be really great. The little changes you've introduced so
far from the basic WoT story can clearly grow into something
much bigger, and I'm interested to see where you take them
(Ranma's curse, being the obvious one). The fusions you've
chosen vary from very appropriate (Setsuna/Moiraine) to
ludicrously amusing (Miltonbradliena? Definitely inspired).
My biggest complaint is that the prose feels a little
unpolished at this point -- lots of little typos and such,
and there are a few places where the writing style isn't up
to your usual par. Having started reading the other
chapters, it seems like this is the only one with this sort
of problem.
Anyways, great stuff, and I'm looking forward to the rest!
Bjorn