Before I launch into the fic itself, some general comments. While this
is a sound story idea, with great grammar, story construction, and story
flow, it has a few flaws.
First and most evident, the new character, Mifa, seems too much like a
SI character. Too many advantages too early; there are flaws, but
always to the benefit of the character, and too much 'good feeling'
toward the character, at least at this early a stage.
Second, the existing characters are just a /touch/ OOC. Ranma could
certainly see Mifa as a challenge later on, but what happened to "don't
hit girls" in the first place? (as for the original Amazon Village
incident, you'd have to ask Takahashi herself) Akane has clearly shown
willingness to bean Ranma whenever a girl so much as breaths in his
direction. Why suddenly is she leaving him alone? Not to mention
Akane's sudden passivity.
Finally, is this a Ranma fic, or a Mifa fic? If it's a Ranmafic, the
focus should be on Ranma. If the main character is going to be Mifa,
_she_ is going to have to be the one to grow and adapt. Elsewise, you
have the old SI rearing it's ugly head, where one character is the "god"
character who can, seemingly, do no wrong. If you /are/ going to keep
the focus on Mifa, change your approach to Ranma, that way, this could
work. What I mean is since Mifa would be your main character, she will
have to do the changing, while Ranma, while peripherally growing, would
never experience sudden changes to his character. (Rather like the way
Ryoga was treated in the canon series.) ...I'm rambling, you probably
get the point.
That said, on to the story itself:
strong enough to- URP!" Shampoo retched, barely managing to
hold down the water and crackers she had eaten before.
"Shampoo, you are barely strong enough to eat, nevermind
Once again, for the most part good spelling, except here it's "never
mind" or "never-mind"
train. Get back in bed. Here," she said, handing Shampoo the
broth, "an ancient Amazon secret, passed down from generation
to generation, which held many an emperor in amazement!"
Shampoo giggled at her great-grandmother's mock-pompous
praise of her special broth. It still tasted the way she
remembered it, rich and spicy, seasoned with rare herbs and
cooked with rarer skill.
One too many carriage returns here, looks like a new scene when it's
simply another paragraph in the same scene.
"You would let our family go unrepresented in the tournament,
then, great-grandmother?" Shampoo asked in between
spoonfuls of warm broth.
Cologne was quiet for a moment, watching her heir. "No. I was
going to ask Mifa to join the tournament in your stead."
Shampoo gasped, then scrunched up her face in confusion.
"Mifa? Great-grandmother, the other Amazons hate my cousin.
She goes against Amazon tradition." To Shampoo, that was
very bad but ultimately tolerable. That her great-grandmother
was willing to overlook it as well was surprising.
The "cousin" notion is convenient, but not clearly supported by the
canon. I would suggest trying to find another way to tie this character
in, if you can't, go with it, it's worked before.
Cologne was silent for a while, before lowering her voice. "I
have no choice. You and she are the only ones old enough and
skilled enough to enter and bring honor to our family." Cologne
<snip>
"Damn, these chicks are good," Ranma said as she busily
munched on corn on the cob. It was her lucky day, she
reflected, that she came to this remote village on their
tournament day. They had a funny setup with that log, though.
The green-haired girl with the farmer's flail had easily disarmed
her much larger opponent and then removed her from the log
with a simple sweep. "She's got serious skill."
"Ack! What you doing?" the guide yelped, noticing that both
girl and panda were scarfing down the food as fast as they
could.
"Huh? Is there a problem?" Ranma asked.
"This is prize for tournament, sirs!"
"Uh..." Ranma said, blinking, then turned around. The green
haired chick was walking towards
Another spelling error. "Toward", not "towards."
the table with a smirk on her
lips.
"What is your problem, outlander girl? Can't you read?" Mifa
said, crossing her arms and smirking mischeviously.
Spelling error; "mischievously," not "mischeviously." Easy mistake, I
thought it was correct until I ran the fic through a spell checker.
"She say 'What your problem, you no can read?'" the Guide
translated.
Ranma thought quickly. "This is the prize for the tournament,
right? Then if I beat you, there's no problem, right?"
"She is challenging you to a fight," the Guide translated, "to
legitimize her eating the food." Mifa nodded, then jumped on
the challenge log. Now, she thought, she had a really stupid
dillema
Spelling; "dilemma," not "dillema."
on her hands due to the outsider. Beat the crap out of
her, be shamed for having her prize eaten, and kill the outsider,
or lose, save face for both of them, and then be forced to kill
her?
Put that way, there was only one choice. Hoping her opponent
had decent skill in the art, she left a small opening in her stance
as she rushed the outsider.
Cologne rolled her eyes at her great-granddaughter's decision.
"Child, your thoughts are strange to me. Perhaps that is for the
better," she murmured, unheard by anyone else.
Ranma was impressed despite herself; her opponent was just as
good as she had thought, except for a tiny hole in her defenses.
She smiled, maneuvered around the blow of the flail, and poked
her in the chest with her foot, knocking her off the log. Mifa
landed lightly and walked away.
Cologne's wagging finger brought her short.
Damn, no 'forgetting' the Kiss of Death, Mifa thought, and
turned around to her red-headed opponent, who was currently
posing in victory.
"Good match!" Ranma said happily in Japanese. She hadn't had
a good opponent her age since that Ryoga kid back in Japan,
even though this fight had been a lot shorter than some of her
other fights. It was the quality, not the quantity, that mattered in
battle.
Mifa tuned out the incomprehensible Japanese and looked at the
happy face of her opponent and smiled. She bent down a bit,
hugged the shorter girl, and kissed her softly on the cheek, then
pulled back slowly.
"What the hell!" Ranma exclaimed, surprised.
"Is very bad, sirs, she give you kiss of death! Is promise to track
you to the ends of the world and kill!" the Guide screamed,
panicking. He grabbed Ranma's hand and pulled her along.
"Kiss of death?" Ranma asked in confusion, as Genma caught
up to her and ran beside her.
"Is very big shame for Amazon to lose to outsider! Worse than
death!" he explained.
Ranma's eyes went extremely wide. "Why didn't you tell me
that!"
"Sorry!"
This section is too long. We all know about the tournament and the
prize, and there is really very little enlightening about the new
character beyond her borderline disregard for Amazon tradition. This is
confused in a little bit.
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
Mifa sighed and watched the outsider run away.
"You have to chase her, you know," Cologne said, hopping up
from behind her. "And kill her," she added after a moment's
thought. "The pride of the Amazons demands it."
"Yes, Great-grandmother," she said absently.
"Even to the ends of the earth."
"Yes, Great-grandmother," Mifa said, turning around. "I do
know what is required of me." She walked to her family's house
to pack.
"You win?" Shampoo asked as she entered the door. Her
cousin was still sick, too sick to go outside, but that didn't
dampen her enthusiasm. Shampoo had been the odds on
favorite; if Mifa won, Shampoo would still be considered the
best of the young fighters, considering the general opinion
towards Mifa.
"I won," Mifa said, smiling. "But an outsider girl ate my prize. I
let her kick me off the challenge log to settle the score."
Shampoo's eyes widened and she cooed. "My cousin is a
sneaky one! You did that just so you could give her the kiss of
death?"
Mifa smiled as she walked past Shampoo. "Yes, something like
that."
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
This scene is /entirely/ unnecessary. Why is it even included? Were
this a movie and I a producer, this would be the first thing on the
cutting room floor.
Ranma and Genma had grown to expect it. Every few days,
without fail, they would wake up in the morning and she would
be waiting, patiently waiting for them to get up before attacking
Ranma. In fact, it was getting to the point where the first thing
Ranma would think of upon waking up was the lime green hair
and lipstick she had as she smiled at her.
Today was no exception.
"Nihao, wai ren*!" was the almost expected greeting on waking
up. A bowl of ramen was shoved in Ranma's face. "Eat up, I
chase." the girl said as Ranma scrambled away, ignoring the
proffered food. She had picked up a few Japanese words from
somewhere.
Yes, Ranma ignoring food. That's how freaked out she was.
Mifa shrugged, slurped up the noodles, and started after them
again. She figured she'd fight Ranma just before lunch, then
again around sunset and call it a day. Tracking down their camp
was always a fun chore, but it was worth it for their panic in the
morning. Though lately they were getting used to that. Maybe it
was time to change routines?
If this Mifa is as much a rebel to Amazon tradition as she's made out to
be in the earlier scene, why is she working so hard to fulfill the "kiss
of death?" Why not simply leave the area, and then never return?
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
Mifa was sneaking towards the campfire and decided to spy on
the outsider girl for a while. "Come on, pops, we need to heat it
up before she finds us. She's looking for a girl and her panda,
not two guys." Mifa didn't understanda word they said - she
had picked up only the one Japanese phrase to use in the
morning - and watched them heating up a pot of water over the
campfire. Mifa found it odd; they weren't cooking anything,
apparently. They also hadn't set up for the night.
Ranma kept poking her finger in the water, waiting until the
magical temperature was passed that would return her to
manhood. When she finally judged the threshold to have passed,
she quickly splashed the two of them with hot water.
"Damn, it feels good to be back!" Ranma said, patting himself
down. "Come on, pops, let's make tracks and get some distance
on her."
Mifa fell down in shock where she was. "The outsider girl is an
outsider boy?" she asked herself, stunned. She dizzily got back
to her feet and walked back to the Amazon village in a daze.
One could expect this character to be surprised, but the chase has
obviously been going on for several days. At some point on the return
trip, Mifa is going to realize things didn't quite go the way she
thought they would, and the village might even expect her to be killed.
The question is now, why go back to the village? She's shown disregard
for tribal custom before, why even bother asking elder advice?
Kasumi Tendo was walking home in the rain with a problem.
Namely, that Ranma had recently defended Akane once again,
and she felt this merited a special meal. However, as Ranma
seemed to consider all her meals equally special, she couldn't
think of anything new and interesting to treat him with after that
skating match. She was so lost in thought, in fact, that she
bumped into someone else who wasn't paying attention.
"Ow! Shampoo sorry!" said the purple-haired Chinese girl as
she brushed herself off.
Why is she hurt and why is she brushing herself off? As near as I can
tell, they simply bumped into each other. Hardly damaging or dirtying
material.
"Shampoo looking for cousin, she get
lost in rain, Shampoo not see you-" Shampoo babbled,
preoccupied, as Kasumi tuned her out.
How did Kasumi "tune her out?" The next sentence shows that she was
paying attention to what Shampoo said.
"That's all right," Kasumi said gently, "no harm was done."
Kasumi bowed slightly. "I hope you find your cousin."
That being said, they parted. Kasumi watched where she was
going now, not wanting to get bumped again. That's how she
saw the turtle, and an idea formed in her head.
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
Kasumi had prepared the stock and caught the escaping turtle
for about the tenth time. She had put it in a cardboard box after
the first few times it scooted away from the pot, but it had
displayed a remarkable ability to escape from the box. Right
now it was climbing the side. She thumped the box, knocking it
on its back.
"We're back!" Ranma announced loudly as she stepped soggily
into the house. The rain, which had been merely bad before, had
turned into a downpour. She wrung out her shirt, which earned
a slap from Akane, and put it back on before entering the
kitchen. "Hey!" Ranma asked, sniffing the air. "What are you
cooking?"
"Oh, I decided to cook you something new for a change,"
Kasumi said merrily. "Turtle soup! The broth is ready now, so
I'm going to put it in." She reached in and grabbed the turtle,
which had flipped itself over and was scuttling in fear away
from her hand. She grabbed it and picked it up. "In you go, Mr.
Turtle!"
Neither
"Neither" implies two people. Neither this nor that. There are three
people in the room. "None of them were..." would be the correct word
usage.
of them was expecting a naked green Chinese girl to
jump out of the pot. "Ahh!" she yelped, knocking over the pot,
and then sitting down accidentally on the burner. "AIYAH!
Hurt!" she screamed, jumping around.
"What the heck!" Ranma yelled, backpedalling
Spelling/Grammar; "back-pedaling" not "backpedalling."
. Then she
recognized the girl. "Ahh! It's the crazy Amazon chick!" Ranma
turned and slipped on the broth, falling down and knocking the
green-haired girl on top of him.
"I give wrong kiss in China. You boy," Mifa said, hugging
Ranma. "Woda Airen," she said, and kissed Ranma-chan
passionately on the lips.
Akane, for her part, felt her eyes slowly widening and her
temper building fast. What the hell was going on? Why was
Ranma kissing this tramp in her kitchen? Her brain was
overloaded; unable to form a coherent thought, she emitted a
growl like an out of tune motorcycle in the corner as a battle
aura popped into existence.
I like this simile (metaphor?)! Whatever you do, keep it. This, BTW,
is Akane being TOTALLY in character.
Mifa let the kiss go after a minute, giggling as Ranma had
passed out in shock. Shampoo caved in the wall almost
immediately after. "Mifa! Are you hurt?" she asked worriedly in
Chinese, and pulled out her cousin's clothes and handed them to
her.
This is not, as Akane would have smacked Ranma or swung at Mifa LONG
before a minute would pass.
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
The now fully dressed Mifa was sitting next to the still female
and barely conscious Ranma in the Tendo's living room. Across
was a very angry Akane and very confused Kasumi.
"Who are you? And why did you kiss my fiancee like that?"
Akane asked angrily. Her glare shifted from Ranma to Mifa to
Shampoo, cycling faster and faster until she gave up and settled
on Ranma.
"Fiancee?" Shampoo echoed curiously.
"Is OK, he not married to her," Mifa said. Mifa turned her
attention to Akane. "I know Ranma from China. He fight in
tournament in village, beat me. He girl at time. Law of Amazon
say, outsider girl beat Amazon, Amazon need kill! Not know
Ranma he. Chase Ranma, fight lots. Find out girl really boy. If
outsider boy beat Amazon, must marry. Then I follow Ranma."
The Tendo sisters blinked. "I don't understand you," Akane
said.
"Is clear to Shampoo," Shampoo said, blinking.
"Gah...." Ranma said, regaining her senses. "GAH!" She
jumped away from the table, noting the presence of the
Amazon.
"What's going on?" Soun Tendo asked as he walked in, mildly
curious as to who the two girls were. Challengers? They
seemed to be decently skilled martial artists, the green-haired
one moreso than the purple-haired one.
This is when the SI factor seems to creep in. Mifa would likely be just
as skilled, not more than, Shampoo.
Also, another problem shows up here. You've begun switching character
perspectives pretty willy-nilly. Akane, third-person, Soun,
third-person, etc. This is a bad thing. Perspective changes should
only be done if it serves to further the story better than the original
perspective would have. In this case, try a rewrite without switching
to the POV of the characters, as third-person seems to be what works
best for this scene.
"I don't know for sure, Daddy-" Kasumi ventured, still trying to
make sense of Mifa's little speech.
"Hi! I is Mifa," Mifa said, introducing herself.
"Hello," Soun answered, bowing.
"And I Shampoo," Shampoo said, bowing as well, as Soun
bowed again.
"-I think that one is Ranma's girlfriend from China," Kasumi
finished uncertainly.
Soun froze mid-bow, then grabbed Ranma. "His WHAT?"
"That's not it at ALL!" Ranma protested angrily. She was, of
course, completely ignored by everyone, and so took the
opportunity to go grab a kettle from the kitchen.
When did Soun let go of Ranma? Further, it would seem to me from the
writing up to this point supports that Ranma is the CENTER of this
scene, as there's no bickering to distract the others, and the Japanese
characters are waiting for an explanation from the only person they
think would know.
"Nihao Ranma!" Mifa greeted Ranma as he returned to the
room. She scooted over nearer Shampoo a bit.
Why?
"Son, you'd better have a good explanation for this," Soun said,
inhaling sharply on his cigarette.
Ranma snorted. "I don't know nothin'."
"I don't believe that for a minute," Soun said, hooding his eyes
at Ranma.
"She was trying to kill me back in China!" Ranma yelled.
Soun pointed at him accusingly. "So you do know something,
liar!"
Mifa patted Ranma's arm. "I sorry, was big mistake!"
"Uh, yes,"Ranma stuttered, caught by surprise by someone
actually apologizing to him before returning to his verbal duel
with Soun. "I know she tried to kill me! I didn't know nothing
about this stuff!"
"Another admission!" Soun yelled, going into full fledge Demon
Head Mode. "That double negative is a confession! What are
you hiding, Ranma?"
"I'm not hiding anything!" Ranma yelled back in exasperation.
"Ranma...." Akane growled, getting up from the table and
looking darkly at the floor. "Our engagement is over!" With
that she stomped out of the room.
"She seem very angry," Mifa noted.
"What are you doing here anyways?" Ranma asked the two
Amazons. "I thought you gave up chasing me."
The characterizations here are dead on, even if the Soun/Ranma exchange
was a bit "Abbot and Castello."
"You admit she was chasing you!" Soun yelled, his head
looming up over everyone and his forked tongue hissing angrily.
Mifa reached out with a single finger and, with a popping noise,
the Demon Head technique vanished.
Another SI moment. Kasumi or even Akane deflating the demon head would
make sense. The new girl who's never seen it just /happens/ to know how
to stop it? Hmmmm...
"You quiet! I is trying to talk to Airen!" Mifa said, and turned
back to Ranma. "Sorry, you outsider boy who beat me.
Outsider boy beat Amazon, Amazon must marry outsider boy.
See? Very simple."
"That's... completely stone age. Why do you gotta marry me
just 'cause I beat you?" Ranma grumbled.
That line would sound better coming from Nabiki, not Ranma. Speaking of
whom, where is Nabiki? Canon has her showing up by now.
"Is Amazon way," Shampoo answered. "For many century."
"Beside," Mifa said, "you good fighter."
"Heh," Ranma said, smiling. "I beat you, didn't I?"
"I throw fight that time," Mifa said, smiling.
"What!" Ranma screeched.
"Is true! She do it on purpose!" Shampoo giggled.
"But- no!" Ranma jumped up. "I can beat you!"
Mifa smiled. "You want fight again? I like that. Where fight?"
Ranma's eyes lit up with a competitive fire. "To the dojo!"
Watching from her window Akane had a single tear roll down
her cheek. After a month of trying she couldn't get Ranma to
fight her for real, and this Chinese hussy does it in one day.
When did Akane come back in the room? She had stomped out earlier.
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
"You going to use that flail of yours?" Ranma asked Mifa. She
<snip>
"Your husband lost," Shampoo said dumbly in Chinese.
"He did, didn't he?" Mifa said, smiling. She started laughing
happily, took a horse stance, and punched at the air. "Ha! I win
again! Invincible!"
SI scene. This is the Ranmaverse. You don't beat Ranma (unless it's
something totally silly like a prefab bed making competition.) in the
Ranmaverse. /Especially/ not at martial arts. He may be set back, but
not before dealing you critical damage. This fight wasn't even close,
it was one sided. Also, if Mifa isn't trusted by the tribe, who taught
her the Chestnut Fist?
Even if you were to remove the whole "Ranma Saotome don't lose" bit, the
win was just /way/ too easy. Presuming Mifa is the main character, if
she's better than Ranma, she faces no challenge, since Ranma is better
than /anybody/.
"You went easy on him," Shampoo said.
"He hasn't learned the chestnut fist yet," Mifa said, still smiling.
She picked up a bucket and walked out, Shampoo following.
"You're going to teach him our techniques?" Shampoo asked in
bewilderment.
"Sure," Mifa said, filling the bucket - carefully - from the koi
pond. "He is my husband, after all."
Shampoo looked at Mifa dubiously. "This isn't like you. You
wouldn't be too happy about..." Her eyes went to the bucket. "I
see."
"Why do you think great-grandmother gave us enough treasure
to buy the restaurant? I won't go back to China. You know
that." Mifa said. "Great-grandmother thinks I am an
embarrasment to the tribe."
This is another weird "I'm a rebel, yet not a revolutionary" thing about
this character. Why bother with the whole "kiss of marriage" deal if she
doesn't even plan on returning to the tribe.
"He may not want to be married to you. He has that Akane girl.
<snip>
Mifa smiled at that. "Good! Want spar tomorrow?"
Ranma didn't even pause. "You're on!:
Mifa got up and ran off. "Bye bye, Ranma!"
** * * * * * * * * * * * * **
"Boy!" Genma said, having been listening in on the last bit of
that exchange. "How dare you go meeting some other girl
behind your fiancee's back!"
"Eh, pop?" Ranma asked, surprised. "She's no girl," Ranma
said, steeling his eyes. "She's a challenge!"
And where has _Genma_ been all this time?
Just some closing remarks; I like the new curse (spring of drowned
turtle), but I don't know where it would fit in the rewrite if you plan
to address all the issues I've pointed out. You're a good writer with
potential, try studying some of the "masters of the craft," such as
Katherine Kurtz, Anne McCaffery, and Robert Aspirin.
Set out a definite end point you want to take this story to. More
definite than "Mifa and Ranma get married," as that could mean many
things and leaves out lots of details. Figure out where you want the
rest of the fiance brigade to end up. What about Ryoga? Kuno?
Happosai? Once you have that done, your writing will be less apt to
"zig-zag" until your readers loose interest.
I had one more point to make, but it's nearly 12:00 AM. Good luck
writing.