I just *had* to C&C this.  "The Secret of NIMH" is one of my favorite
movies, and I greatly enjoyed the book it was based on, too.

Trivia!  Did you know the voice of Timmy - the youngest mouse, with the
spider bite - was done by Wil Wheaton?

Alrighty then - moving on to actual C&C.  All opinions are strictly mine and
can be cheerfully ignored.

It was doubtful however, that it would still be alive come dawn.

    The next morning, Mrs. Brisby woke up.

Rather an abrupt transition.  You seem to stop mid-narrative and pick up
again at a later time.  A bit jolting to read.  Try to soften it up by
padding out a few more details of what Mrs. Brisby does to the rat before
letting it sleep until morning.

Trivia!  Did you know Mrs. Brisby's name in the book is "Mrs. Frisby"?  In
fact, the book is called "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH."  They changed
it for the movie because Frisby sounds too much like Frisbee.

    The rat was just about to answer when her eyes widen.

widened

    "Well maybe it will come back to you." Said Brisby.

"...to you," said Brisby.

    "Why am I wrapped up like this."

"...like this?"

Later that day...

An unnecessary seque.  Eliminate it.

    Ages snorted. "You were tired. You're sleep deprived mind

"Your"

exaggerated the wounds severity."

"...the wound's severity."

    "This doesn't look like allot, does it?"

"...like a lot, does it?"

Meanwhile back at the Brisby home...

Again with the awkward, unsubtle seques.  Give your readers some credit...
they'll figure out when and where they are soon enough without having to be
told.

    "I'll brake your arm if you don't answer me."

break

    "Not for a kings ransom.

king's

    "I had an encounter with Dragon, the farmers cat.

farmer's

    "No, he's just very ill." Answered her mother.

"...very ill," answered her mother.

Meanwhile at the farm house...

Again, not needed.

To be continued.

Well, I hope so.  =)  Clearly you're retelling the movie but adding this new
character - I'm guessing someone from the Ranmaverse with a Jusenkyo curse.
However, I can't really judge how successful this blending will be because I
don't have enough to go on yet - we don't have any idea how Sandy is going
to fit in.

Look forward to more.  I really did love that movie when I saw it all those
years ago.  =)

Trivia!  Did you know that the animators for this movie also created the
video game, "Dragon's Lair"?

-Richard


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