You know, reading this over again has shown me that some of my revisions
have disappeared. Made your work that much harder. Methinks I accidentily
erased them with an earlier copy. >_<

Combining both parts.

Used most of the grammar corrections, as always.

The figure walked over to the dresser and removed the box. It was

ornate,

and about the size of a common jewelry box, though it was anything but
common. Carved from a single piece of mirror black obsidian and with a
variety of magical sigils emblazoned across its surface, it held a

sinister

bent that {would encourage :} only the most daring could bring

themselves to

touch.

This being one of them. I had this completely reworded at one point. :P

Skilled fingers {accessed : touched}

didn't want to reues 'touch' so went with something a little more fancy.

By the time Ryouga recovered his wits, he found the girl standing over

his

prone form. It was then he realized the true horror of the situation. He

was

naked. This girl had seen his cock in all of its glory. Even limp, it

hung

down low and clearly indicated he was of tremendous size. What would

come

next was the same thing that always happened: her eyes would light up,

she

would rip off her clothes, and proceed to screw the hell out of him, not
caring a whit about his feelings on the matter. It was all so terrible!

Oh the horror!

Well, if you're not after cheap sex, it is. Not that he has to worry in this
case...

A beaming Ryouga gleefully said, "It just so happens I know exactly

where

Ranma is..."

If she follows Ryouga's directions very carefully, Ranma will never
see her again.

Lucky for her, he mentioned the name of the school, which enabled her to
find it.

..

Nabiki was in the middle of pondering exactly how to go about pumping

Ranma

for information when a section of the wall, higher up the stairs,

detonated.

She froze, looking in shock at where the destruction had occurred. She

had

just managed to rise to her feet when she saw the cause of the

disturbance,

a {young : younger} girl with lavender hair.

She's not that good at telling one year's difference on sight.

Nabiki found herself pulled back over the railing and set gently down on

her

feet. She straightened up her dress, and took an assessment of her
condition. Her ankle was a little tender from how powerfully it had been
grasped, and her leg was a bit sore from the quick jerk, but considering
what the alternative of {not :} being caught was,

Oops. You're right. Took me a while to figure it out.

Nabiki smiled at the guys, then removed her hands and placed them on her
hips. She looked down at them and said, "Enjoying the show?"

Both boys nodded, slow trails of drool trailing from their mouths.

This might have been a good point for them to faint so she could take
what she wanted.  The way you've written it works well too though.

Nah. They aren't that big of weenies.

Kunou, his balance hopelessly lost, began to fall at the same moment.

His

head impacted squarely with the girl's midsection, knocking them both to

the

ground. The back of Ranma-chan's head bounced hard off the tiles,

stunning

her momentarily. Kunou's impact wasn't anywhere near as bad, as his face
smashed against the prone girl's soft body instead of hardened ceramic

tile.

I liked that ... ah ... fight scene.  It seems rather poetic that
Kunou would take Ranma down like that.

It was all by accident. :)

Kunou noticed the Coach's surprise, looked at where his face had been
resting, and realized what the situation would appear to an outsider's
perspective. Instantly, the kendoist shot to his feet and proclaimed,

"It's

not what you think!"

As I've said before, that never works.

Oui. Not for anyone.

The coach continued walking away. "No need to worry. I'll let everyone k

now

the truth."

I liked that exchange.  Poor Kunou.  Akane will be relieved to hear that.

Ranma will clear things up. It's the only thing that momentarily derails her
ire at the idea of Ranma scoring with Kunou. ^_^

Ranma-chan let out an "AHHH!" at the top of her lungs, then ran out of

the

shower and locker room as though the all the demons of hell were hot on

her

tail.

Nice turn of phrase since someone is after her tail.

Heh. Didn't think it was that obvious early on. Tried to mask it, though the
truth comes out in little pieces here and there.

The girl looked over her shoulder in the direction she had run. "Some

crazy

chick is after me. You have to hide me quick."

Under Sayuri's dress seems like an obvious place.

Sayuri isn't that big. Now if she had been Dojo Destroyer sized, it might
have worked. :)

As attractive as the lavender-haired stranger was, an attractive naked

girl

in the locker was worth four attractive clothed women asking for
information. "Can't say I have."

It's good to see she has clear priorities.

Yep. First 'attractive' changed to 'pretty' to cut down redundency.

Umi's eyes were wide with betrayal at {Nobuhiro : Nobuhiro's} slip.

Sayuri walked up to her and said, "You should be with someone who'd
appreciate you for who you are." And gave her a deep kiss{, : .}

What a dream.  Did she really know Nobuhiro was cheating or was she
just being puckish?

She knew. It is like the movie 'Something to Talk About.' a lot of women
know who's cheating on who. They tell everyone but the involved parties in
most cases. :)

Sayuri walked away, leaving an angry teacher and a laughing class

behind.

This whole experience was very liberating. She decided it was now time

to go

through the whole school and do everything she wanted to do, but was

afraid

to in the real world. It wasn't like anyone could to anything to her.

After

all, it was her dream, and she was mistress of all she surveyed.

The opportunities for mayhem are mind-boggling.

Yes, but 'suspension for life' is likely to follow. ^_^

And the reason was pondering the psychological ramifications of her 'dream'
was due to a psychology class she has been taken, which is now mentioned at
the start.

"Ha! If only it was that simple!" Ranma-chan said as she and Akane

exited

the school grounds and kept on running. "That girl's out to kill me."

Only if too much sex can kill a girl.

I suppose it could, but Shampoo is nowhere near that energetic. :)

The Guide seemed somewhat confused by what she said. Hesitantly, he
translated. "Her name Shampoo. She says, why does outsider girl with

big...

attitude, eat her prize?"

Shouldn't that be big talent(s)?

Nah. The Guide is choosing his words carefully, since he 'know's Shampoo
can't possibly mean what it sounds like she's saying. He's covinced it's
some odd kind of Amazon custom he doesn't understand. He admits his lack of
knowledge later when they' run away.

"Oh, Mr. Customer, you make terrible mistake," the Guide said. "When
outsider girl beat Amazon in combat, Amazon give 'Kiss of Death'."

That scene actually makes more sense that the canon one.  I'm not sure
why the guide felt such a strong need to adjust Shampoo's comments
though.  It certainly added to the misunderstanding.

Answered above.

Nabiki was {nonplused : nonplussed}

Blech. The correction in spelling is right, but I used the opposite of what
I meant. 'The snipe failed to rattle Nabiki'

Akane turned slightly red. "I only did a gang bang once, thank you very
much."

Yeah!  And it wasn't the _whole_ team.

Yep. Good point.

Part B comments here.

making him unaware of her retreat. He could tell the next thrust was

another

straight one aimed for his chest. Disarming was impossible at this

angle,

not with the skill Shampoo was {using : showing : demonstrating}.

demonstrating probably the best.

"Why mine?!" Akane protested with unusual vehemence.

Shampoo mirrored the sentiment. "Yes, why Shampoo have to stay with

her?"

They certainly seemed to be getting along well before.

That was before the 'who has the best chest' contest. Shampoo is also not
going out of her way to be friendly. A little friction between her and Akane
will be a nice source of conflict.

in precisely the areas she wanted, not allowing Ranma-chan to move.

Eventually Shampoo settled on one spot that seemed even more {sensative

: sensitive} to

the redhead, and focused most of her attention there.

If something doesn't happen soon, Ranma going to want to stay a girl
forever.

Well, not so much forever as not being creeped out by her cursed body, and
discovering there are benefits to it.

Oh yes, Ranma-chan thought as she dumped the bucket of hot water over

her

head, they were definitely kindred spirits.

Oops.

Things had been going to easy for them. You knew something had to throw a
wrench in the works. And being the wrong gender is a big one, as well as
another decent sort of conflict. ^_^

Shampoo hesitated, then shook her head. Bitterly, she said, "Is too

late.

Ranma ruin mood. Shampoo going to bed." She spun on her heel and exited
through the door, slamming it behind her so it rattled in its frame.

Akane is unlikely to be amused when she wakes up with Shampoo
smelling so strongly.

True. But Akane is not what Shampoo is concerned about.

way he had expected (not that he's exactly complaining about it, mind

you

^_^). Next chapter we find out what happens when we discover that 'Mars
Needs Women.'

Actually he is complaining.  He thought he could have fun with Shampoo
in both forms.

It's not much of a complaint. He got some liked it.

I am looking forward to his attempts to thank Sayuri and avoid Yuka.

Possibly in the next chapter. A lot of the action is going to happen around
school again.

Thanks for all the comments. They helped a lot.

D.B. Sommer

--
Mac :})
Give a hobbit a fish and he eats fish for a day.
Give a hobbit a ring and he eats fish for an age.



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