Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Sat, 22 Feb 2003 10:29:42 -0500 DB Sommer <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
The figure walked over to the dresser and removed the box. It was ornate,
and about the size of a common jewelry box, though it was anything but
common. Carved from a single piece of mirror black obsidian and with a
variety of magical sigils emblazoned across its surface, it held a sinister
bent that {would encourage :} only the most daring could bring themselves to
touch.
Skilled fingers {accessed : touched} special, hidden points across the surface, ensuring
that none of the traps meant to catch the unwary were activated. It wouldn't
do to fall dead from safety precautions that ensured no one would ever learn
the truth. At least no one outside of the conclave.
Still, perhaps it would not hurt to oversee matters, remaining apart in the
shadows, unless some assistance was required. That was a consideration as
{well. But : well, but} there was time to dwell on it. It would be interesting to see if
the newcomer would have an impact and speed things on their proper course.
By the time Ryouga recovered his wits, he found the girl standing over his
prone form. It was then he realized the true horror of the situation. He was
naked. This girl had seen his cock in all of its glory. Even limp, it hung
down low and clearly indicated he was of tremendous size. What would come
next was the same thing that always happened: her eyes would light up, she
would rip off her clothes, and proceed to screw the hell out of him, not
caring a whit about his feelings on the matter. It was all so terrible!
Oh the horror!
A beaming Ryouga gleefully said, "It just so happens I know exactly where
Ranma is..."
If she follows Ryouga's directions very carefully, Ranma will never
see her again.
The school stairwell was one that led to the {towards the :} janitor's storage
room located next to the roof. Given that the janitor was usually dead drunk
in the furnace room this time of the day, it made for a convenient, out of
the way place for some privacy. That was exactly what Nabiki needed as she
sat on one of the steps and admired what was held in her hands. She regarded
it for a second, playing a finger across the tip twice, then placed her
mouth over it. She inhaled slightly, relaxed, and took the entire length
inside, letting it touch the back of her tonsils.
Nabiki was in the middle of pondering exactly how to go about pumping Ranma
for information when a section of the wall, higher up the stairs, detonated.
She froze, looking in shock at where the destruction had occurred. She had
just managed to rise to her feet when she saw the cause of the disturbance,
a {young : younger} girl with lavender hair.
Nabiki found herself pulled back over the railing and set gently down on her
feet. She straightened up her dress, and took an assessment of her
condition. Her ankle was a little tender from how powerfully it had been
grasped, and her leg was a bit sore from the quick jerk, but considering
what the alternative of {not :} being caught was, it was difficult to complain
about the minor aches.
Nabiki smiled at the guys, then removed her hands and placed them on her
hips. She looked down at them and said, "Enjoying the show?"
Both boys nodded, slow trails of drool trailing from their mouths.
This might have been a good point for them to faint so she could take
what she wanted. The way you've written it works well too though.
Kunou, his balance hopelessly lost, began to fall at the same moment. His
head impacted squarely with the girl's midsection, knocking them both to the
ground. The back of Ranma-chan's head bounced hard off the tiles, stunning
her momentarily. Kunou's impact wasn't anywhere near as bad, as his face
smashed against the prone girl's soft body instead of hardened ceramic tile.
I liked that ... ah ... fight scene. It seems rather poetic that
Kunou would take Ranma down like that.
Kunou noticed the Coach's surprise, looked at where his face had been
resting, and realized what the situation would appear to an outsider's
perspective. Instantly, the kendoist shot to his feet and proclaimed, "It's
not what you think!"
As I've said before, that never works.
The coach continued walking away. "No need to worry. I'll let everyone know
the truth."
I liked that exchange. Poor Kunou. Akane will be relieved to hear that.
Ranma-chan let out an "AHHH!" at the top of her lungs, then ran out of the
shower and locker room as though the all the demons of hell were hot on her
tail.
Nice turn of phrase since someone is after her tail.
Sayuri Mizuhara was alone in the hall as she opened her locker door and dug
under some of the debris littering it to retrieve her trigonometry book. She
gave a wistful sigh, depressed that today wasn't anywhere near as
interesting as two days ago. A smile came to her face as she recalled how
the events from that day made it one of the most memorable in her entire
life. After all, how could she forget the luscious-looking redhead who had
flashed the best set of tits Sayuri had ever seen? And that cute little
derriere hadn't been bad to look at either. It wasn't like she got to see
all that many naked bodies, not since openly proclaiming her interest in
girls. Only Akane and Yuka weren't {conscientious : self-conscious} about changing in front of
her. And whereas both had nice bodies, especially Akane's athletic one,
neither could compare to that exotic-looking newcomer that had been attacked
by that vicious Kunou. The redhead was so hot that for the last two nights
Sayuri had fantasized about the redhead going down on her while she
masturbated, orgasming in record time. Why, just thinking about the girl was
getting her hot and bothered again. It looked like it was going to be
another night of playing with herself and letting off some steam, or else
she feared she would explode.
The girl looked over her shoulder in the direction she had run. "Some crazy
chick is after me. You have to hide me quick."
Under Sayuri's dress seems like an obvious place.
As attractive as the lavender-haired stranger was, an attractive naked girl
in the locker was worth four attractive clothed women asking for
information. "Can't say I have."
It's good to see she has clear priorities.
Umi's eyes were wide with betrayal at {Nobuhiro : Nobuhiro's} slip.
Sayuri walked up to her and said, "You should be with someone who'd
appreciate you for who you are." And gave her a deep kiss{, : .}
What a dream. Did she really know Nobuhiro was cheating or was she
just being puckish?
Sayuri walked away, leaving an angry teacher and a laughing class behind.
This whole experience was very liberating. She decided it was now time to go
through the whole school and do everything she wanted to do, but was afraid
to in the real world. It wasn't like anyone could to anything to her. After
all, it was her dream, and she was mistress of all she surveyed.
The opportunities for mayhem are mind-boggling.
"Ha! If only it was that simple!" Ranma-chan said as she and Akane exited
the school grounds and kept on running. "That girl's out to kill me."
Only if too much sex can kill a girl.
The Guide seemed somewhat confused by what she said. Hesitantly, he
translated. "Her name Shampoo. She says, why does outsider girl with big...
attitude, eat her prize?"
Shouldn't that be big talent(s)?
"Oh, Mr. Customer, you make terrible mistake," the Guide said. "When
outsider girl beat Amazon in combat, Amazon give 'Kiss of Death'."
That scene actually makes more sense that the canon one. I'm not sure
why the guide felt such a strong need to adjust Shampoo's comments
though. It certainly added to the misunderstanding.
"...And so we kept on running, but I'll be damned if she didn't keep popping
up hot on our heels, busting through walls and shouting out that Airen
thing. I thought we lost her when we finally made it to Japan, but she's
managed to find me again{. : ,}" Ranma-chan said, obviously demoralized.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Akane asked, {embroiled : engrossed} in the story.
Nabiki was {nonplused : nonplussed} at the snipe. "I don't lie to the guys I go out with.
It's just I'm a high maintenance gal, and none of the boys I've met have
been interested enough in maintaining me for long."
Akane turned slightly red. "I only did a gang bang once, thank you very
much."
Yeah! And it wasn't the _whole_ team.
"Uh, yeah, she did," Ranma said, noting that Kasumi had gained Akane and
{Nabiki : Nabiki's} full attention as well.
Off to the side, Ryouga seethed. Why wasn't this Chinese girl killing Ranma
like she should? It had been luck on both their parts that she had stumbled
upon him while he was lost in the shopping district. He had called out to
her and asked if she had found Ranma, only to discover the jerk had eluded
her in school and ran off. Ryouga volunteered to show the Amazon where Ranma
lived, since he would eventually turn up there. Unable to actually lead her
to the Tendou home, he remembered the name of the street {: where} it was located.
Shampoo was able to guide them to it, and he was able to point out which
house she wanted. He was a bit uneasy when they were greeted by Kasumi, who
seemed happy to see Ryouga. Luckily, she saved him from coming up with some
lame excuse by assuming Shampoo was his girlfriend and that he was waiting
for his 'friend', Ranma, to return from school. That she was so trusting of
his motives made Ryouga a bit uneasy, but he needed revenge, and could live
with the shame. It seemed he had lived with some all of his life, in one way
or another. A little more just added to the total.