Remember, all comments herein are the opinions of one lone weirdo who
doesn't like much anyway. :)  Please let me know if you find it useful,
and please return the favor by posting comments on other authors' fics.
Thankyew.


Roja Cyd <roja_cyd@yahoo.ca> wrote:

�Well, tomboy, I guess this is it,� said Ranma,
grinning down at his fianc�e. Akane was flushed with
happiness and excitement. He wondered if she knew how
adorable she looked. He glanced up at the ceiling.
�Yup, can�t run anymore, here comes the ol� ball and
chain�.� 

Slight problem with your formatting -- you've got a whole bunch of
non-standard characters throughout, which will in general appear as
something completely different for users on different platforms. To be
sure that everyone is able to read your story, please be sure to use:

1) Straight quote marks ("), the ones that look the same at the
beginning of a quote as at the end of it, and don't slant to one side or
the other.

2) Three plain old periods (...) for ellipses rather than a single
character that looks like three compressed periods.

3) An ordinary "e" in words like "fiance" or "fiancee", not an accented
one.

�Hey, Ranma, you sly dog!� Ryouga slung his arm around
Ranma�s shoulders as the party returned to its normal
swing. �Ready for your bachelor party?� 

This really needs to be Hiroshi and/or Daisuke here; it's completely out
of character for Ryoga.

Hiroshi and Daisuke were parked at the bar, knocking
back shot after shot. Kuno was playing pool with
Mousse and Tarou. Ranma�s other friends were standing
around, drinks in their hands, talking to each other. 

Whoa, the suspension of disbelief meter just took a nosedive. Since when
does Kuno socialize with Ranma -- particularly a Ranma who is about to
marry one of his two lady loves? And Pantyhose is even less likely to
hang out with these guys.

One of the girls suddenly stumbled against Ranma in a
mass of golden hair and falling flower petals. 

�Whoops! Careful,� Ranma gently caught the girl�s
shoulder and helped her up. �Are you okay?� 

The girl straightened her flower tiara and peered up
at Ranma. �Yeah, thanks! I�m so sorry. This is my
first time. I�m such a klutz!� She grinned perkily up
at him, her large cornflower-blue eys twinkling. 

eyes

Is she supposed to be Japanese? Very few Japanese have golden hair and
cornflower-blue eyes, you know.

�Not a problem. That dance doesn�t look easy.� 

�It�s easy on the eyes, that�s for sure!� Ryouga
guffawed, watching the other girls as they swayed and
moved up to the front. �Good catch, Ranma. Now let me
try MY luck.� He moved off with a glint in his eye. 

Again, totally out of character for Ryoga, whose confidence is nearly
zero when it comes to women.

Eventually, Ranma ordered another beer for her and a
drink for himself. Some minutes later, the bartender
refreshed their drinks as Ranma continued to chat with
Azusa. 

The next morning, Ranma woke up in his apartment to
find the blonde in bed with him. They were both naked.
Ranma stared at the sweet curve of Azusa's shoulder as
she cuddled under the sheets. 

Rather too abrupt with this, IMO. You'd get more suspense if you showed
him waking up and gradually becoming aware of his surroundings.

What in the world had happened? He needed someone
clear-headed to explain things. 

�Oh man!� he thought groggily. �Where's Nabiki when I
need her?� 

IMO, Nabiki is one of the last people he needs right now. Unless he
relishes the thought of being blackmailed out of all his future
earnings.

******************************************************

I�m just trying it out.  All comments are appreciated.

On the positive side, very clean and well-edited. I didn't see any
grammatical mistakes or typos, and it's a rare pleasure to see an author
who cares enough to put his best foot forward.

On the negative... well, this really doesn't read like a Ranma fic, IMO,
so much as it does a movie adaptation in which you've changed the name
of the lead character to "Ranma" (and the others accordingly). The
problem isn't so much the stuff you've gotten wrong, like Ryoga's
personality, but that you aren't really using any of the casts' specific
personality traits. There's nothing Ranma does in this story that any
Joe Average character in his place wouldn't have done. If that's to come
later, then fine, but otherwise it may be that the Ranma characters
aren't the right ones to tell this story, and you may want to consider
using a different cast whose individual personalities will contribute to
the plot rather than being plowed under by it.

Again, just one reader's view. Good luck with this and any other writing
you might venture into.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'