On Tue, Feb 11, 2003 at 02:09:47PM -0800, Brian Randall wrote:
Ye-- AUGH!" she exclaimed, as Tamago hopped off Ranma's knee and
drifted past her. Motoko's eyes were wide, her hand pressed to her chest.
Missing a quotation mark here.
"You're afraid of something as harmless as a turtle?" she asked
incredulously.
Motoko straightened up, and shot her a cool look. "I have my reasons,"
she said quietly.
Bah, haven't got my precious Strunk and White, so I can't tell if this
comma is needed or not. But I do notice that you use an awful lot of
them, and some of them stick out to ME. Then again, I have trouble
with this thing myself.
--------------------------------------
Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter Seven -- Tamago and the Sea Princess
Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Takahashi, Viz (Ranma 1/2),
TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa (Goldenboy).
The easel is mine. That's all.
Aw, what about the brush? And canvas? And who's keeping the artist
fed? Gotta think about these things.
Notes: Divergences should become apparent as relevant.
--------------------------------------
"Will you let go of me?" she added, dropping Ranma from her arms to the
dirt. The redhead bounced onto the ground at the same time the kitten
leapt free of Shinobu's hands and dashed away.
"Oooh, Ranmas like Motokos," Suu observed. "Now I can create a breeding
program!"
Suu is not a very good scientist if she draws conclusions like this
from one data point.
Motoko shot the girl a look of consternation, then turned her attention
back to Ranma. "Oe-sensei?"
"It's gone?" Ranma asked, still shaking nervously.
"Yes, Oe-sensei," Shinobu replied, frowning. "What's wrong?"
"Noth..." she trailed off, sighing. "I had a bad experience with...
cats when I was young." Clearing her throat, she shook her head.
"Anyway, as long as we're all ready...." She glanced around furtively.
"You're sure it's gone?"
"It's gone, Oe-san," Keitaro confirmed, frowning slightly, while Suu
began to smile.
"New experiment! How does a Ranma react to cats!" she exclaimed. "Must
test!"
"Um... no, that would be a bad idea," Ranma insisted, shaking her head.
"A really bad one. Anyway, on with today's lesson."
And since when does THAT work?
"Ah... just thinking about the promise I made to that girl," he
confessed, blushing slightly, and bowing his head.
"The one that will be waiting for you at Todai?"
Keitaro fumbled for a moment, his hand slipping across the floor and
seeking Naru's. "If you were the girl from my promise--" he broke off,
raising his eyes.
"Real sweet of you, Kanrinin, but I think we can safely say it wasn't
me," Ranma said, reclaiming her hand. Naru and Keitaro blinked at the
girl they had forgotten was between them. The redhead glanced between
the two for a moment, then pointed at each in turn. "Do you two want
some privacy?"
Um, how did Keitaro get ahold of Ranma's hand? Was she sitting between
him and Naru? Because if I read the previous paragraphs correctly, the
two of them are sitting close together.
As the day wore on, Keitaro pushed his study guide away. No progress
had been made. On the one hand, the information he was trying to pay
attention to kept fading into the back of his mind as he considered
Naru. On the other hand, any attempt to broach the subject of them as a
couple was met with a reminder about what he needed to study.
Net result, of course, being no progress. On _either_ front.
Life's like that, sometimes! She's taking revenge on him for seeing
her in her undies back when she was confused.
"That's true," Keitaro admitted, daydreaming back to when he'd first
met Mutsumi. He shook his head, dismissing an image of Mutsumi kissing
him, at the sound of Naru's voice. "Sorry, what was that?"
I'm not sure if even the comma keeps "at the sound of Naru's voice"
from being a misplaced modifier here.
Tiptoeing along behind the turtle was a bit of a challenge. With the
turtle's weight being less than her own, and its own relatively small
size, it could cross the wires strung between storefronts easily. Ranma
needed to exercise a bit more care than that.
I would rephrase this as "With the turtle's lighter weight and smaller
size, it could cross..."
Her skill would let her distribute her weight carefully enough that she
could do it, but her speed was reduced to only that of... the turtle,
really. It would be faster to hop from rooftop to rooftop, but the
turtle was leading the way. Tamago stopped at the building's edge, and
turned to look back at Ranma.
Um, couldn't Ranma just jump from one roof to another, then wait for
Tamago to catch up and see where she wants to go next?
She shrugged, carefully, gently testing the wire that crossed the two
buildings. It was only three stories down if she fell, but that wasn't
the point of the game. The wire was sturdy, probably new. She carefully
plodded along, until she stepped off the wire, next to the turtle.
"Awesome," she said, grinning. "Where to next?"
On the other hand, the stunts are lots more fun.
Ranma quickly surveyed her surroundings. The buildings all appeared to
be storefronts with flattened roofs, except for a nearby train depot.
The rails headed west, well outside of the city. "Oh, this is the main
hub for the city," Ranma realized, glancing back, only just able to see
the hilltop that Hinata-Sou sat atop. The turtles adventurous wandering
had led across most of the city, though it never ventured far from sight
of the inn. "I guess this is where people from out of town will get
in... you looking for someone there?"
Where exactly is Hinata-Sou? I had the impression it was near Toudai,
which sounds as if it should be in Tokyo. Yet this city sounds a bit
too small for that.
The turtle nodded eagerly, then flung itself from the rooftop, gliding
quickly towards the depot.
"That's more like it!" Ranma cheered, vaulting off after the creature.
She rebounded from a light pole, and landed before the lobby to the
I prefer RAALS, where Ranma rebounds off a passing air molecule.
building, barely beating Tamago there. The turtle landed on her shoulder
and chirped gratefully.
It made another chirp, and pointed at a young woman who was crossing
the terminal, struggling with the weight of her baggage. Ranma shrugged,
and approached curiously. How to introduce herself to the girl? "What
should I do, just go up to her and say, 'Hi, my name is Ranma, and I
just thought I'd ask you who you were. This turtle seems to know you,
and by the way, I'm really a guy?'" Ranma shook her head, grimacing, and
muttered, "That won't help."
Sure it will! This is Mutsumi, after all! Just give her Liddo-Kun
OAVs.
The point was moot -- as she approached, the young woman looked up,
smiled pleasantly, and then clapped her hands together. "There you are!"
she exclaimed cheerfully. Tamago flew away from Ranma's shoulder, and
drifted to the newcomer's. "How have you been?"
I would change the dash to a semicolon, and remove "then" from the
following line.
The turtle chirped excitedly for a long minute, while the girl nodded
attentively.
"Wow," she said after a moment. She then looked up, and smiled all over
again. "Hello, there," she said amiably. "I'm Otohime Mutsumi!"
Ranma nodded, remembering when she'd seen her picture in Naru's room.
"Nice to meet you," she replied, smiling back. This girl radiated a
sense of tranquility and peace that Ranma found soothing. Her expression
was calm, and her smile spoke of near permanence. Tamago reached up from
her shoulder and brushed back her straw hat, granting Ranma a nice view
of her long, dark hair, braided loosely. While Mutsumi retrieved her
hat, Ranma realized she had been staring. "Um... sorry, my name is Oe
Ranma."
Tamago needs a straw hat of her own.
"Oh, Tamago doesn't have a curse like you do," Mutsumi explained.
"She's just a very smart turtle."
Ranma said nothing for a moment, eyeing Mutsumi thoughtfully. "You can
understand what the turtle says?" she finally asked.
"Oh, of course not, that would be silly!" the young woman giggled.
"Just like a curse would be?" Ranma asked.
"Exactly."
I love this. I suspect O'Brian would love this too.
"Oh, really, it's fine," Ranma said dismissively, shaking his head, and
pulling his notebook from his pocket. Writing quickly, he mumbled,
"'Humans can learn to speak turtle.'" Looking up, he asked, "You want to
meet with Urashima and Narusegawa?"
That assumes that Mutsumi is a mere human!
"I hear that the rent here is cheaper, because it's right next to a
dormitory filled with dangerous people -- there's always explosions and
noise coming from it," Mutsumi supplied helpfully. "But I don't mind. I
think it's kind of exciting!"
Says the woman who travels between islands on her inflatable raft.
"'...female dormitory,'" Ranma read aloud, massaging his eyebrow as it
began to tic. "Boy, I wish that sign had been up when I first got here."
Where had it been?
She followed dutifully for the entire sixty-yard treck to the base of
the stairs leading up to the inn. Keitaro and Naru -- along with the
other assembled tenants -- met them there, the entire gang skidding to
an awkward halt to stare in confusion.
"trek".
Lotta staring going on in this chapter.
"Oh! Right!" the Mutsumi enthused, clapping her hands together. "I had
forgotten, since it's been so long!"
Not "the Mutsumi", just "a Mutsumi". You don't have the only one.
<quickly hides his Mutsumi so Brian can't find her>
Also, Strunk and White frown on "enthused"...
"Could someone explain what's going on here?" Motoko managed, glancing
at Tamago with a mixture of concern and relief.
"We thought that Tamago had run off before we could have our final
confrontation," Suu supplied, eyeing the turtle suspiciously.
"Hello. My name is Suu Montoya; you killed my meal, prepare to be eaten!"?
"Well, I remembered that Oe-san was with her, so I wasn't too
worried... but after a few hours I started to think it might be a good
idea to look for her," Keitaro offered, chuckling weakly. "For a moment,
I thought she'd run off to go into the sea."
"Well, she went down to the beach for a bit," Ranma said, scratching
his head. "I think that was before the zoo and after the aquarium.
Probably to play around after running through the car wash. The little
critter sure gets around." He glanced between Naru and Keitaro, and
asked, "You thought she was going to run off for good?"
Er? So Tamago didn't just go to pick up Mutsumi?
Naru nodded, holding up a pamphlet. "It says here that when a turtle
stops flying, they're ready to mature," she said, pointing to a picture
of a turtle assaulting what looked like the Japanese Self Defense Force.
Aha! So that's why Motoko is afraid!
"Turn the page," Ranma suggested.
Naru did so, and then blushed darkly. "Oh," she said quietly. "It says
here it takes fifty years."
Amazing how all these pamphlets have the most important information on
the second page.
"Oh, that's easy!" Mutsumi exclaimed, just before draining her glass.
She signaled the waiter for another round, then said, "To drink with my
friends!"
I guess Mutsumi doesn't have a lot of worries.
Keitaro glanced at Ranma, who was staring between Mutsumi's empty
glass, and his own, only sipped at drink. "Um, I think Naru meant to ask
why you were here in the city, Mutsumi-chan," he offered.
"Ooh." Mutsumi made a thoughtful noise, while the waiter served the
second round out. Sipping at her new drink, she pondered for a moment.
Setting her glass down, she asked, "Why am I here?" She glanced between
Ranma and Tamago, who was resting on her shoulder. "Do you know?"
The martial artist and the turtle both shook their heads.
"You... don't know why you're here?" Naru finally managed.
"Hmm," Mutsumi mused, pulling a slip of paper from one pocket after
draining her second glass. "Ah! This looks like an exam ticket! I must
be here to test for Todai again!"
Her memory is worse than mine!
"Yes!" she exclaimed happily. "I think I will do it, this year." Her
look turned from joy to concern, and she turned her attention back to
Keitaro. "But, Keitaro-kun, are you sure you should try again? With your
intelligence level?"
tact (takt) noun
1. ability to avoid giving offense: skill in situations in which
other people's feelings have to be considered
2. discretion: an intuitive sense of what is right or appropriate
"Five more minutes," he mumbled. "I swear the waffles are good."
Now this is what I'd expect him to say if he'd married Akane.
"I'm not!" Ranma announced suddenly, sitting upright as though mounted
on a spring. "I failed high school, and only finished catching up just
before.... Can't... feel... my legs...." With that, he collapsed again,
his face slamming into the table.
This is not good.
"Four of us together, then!" Mutsumi cheered. "We can make it this year
for sure!" She raised her glass in a salute, which Naru and Keitaro
hesitantly accepted. Ranma merely lay as if dead. "Ranma-kun, don't you
agree?"
Ah, isn't four an unlucky number in Japan? I'd heard that it's a
homophone for "death".
He sat up, eyes bleary, and glanced around. "Together?" he managed.
"Yes! Together! Allegiance or death! Bigfire!"
I must say I was startled to see this here. On the other hand, I think
it should stay. BIGFIRE!
Naru rolled her eyes. "This isn't an anime, Oe-san. I think you've had
too much to drink," she criticized.
Oh, but it is!
"A light show!" Mutsumi exclaimed, clapping her hands together
excitedly. "That's beautiful, Ranma-kun! Can you do any other tricks?"
"yeah, if you make me consume even more drugs, i'll sleep with kuno."
Oh, wait, this isn't a poorly done darkfic. Nevermind.
"Not right now," he croaked, as the light faded. The waiter approached
cautiously, and Ranma pleaded, "Water... please... a dying man's last
request." Nodding dubiously, the man went off to retrieve what Ranma had
requested.
While getting a broom to sweep up the sand?
"Oe-san?" Keitaro asked cautiously. "Are you okay?"
"I'm a bit hung over," he said matter-of-factly.
Nodding, Keitaro asked, "How did you do that?"
"Very carefully."
"Trick I picked up from my wife," he groaned. "Just after she taught me
how to track." He brushed a hand through his hair, tugging at his
bandana, then opened one eye, and glanced across the table. "Wait. Did I
say that aloud? Damn, my head hurts."
Boggle.
Keitaro and Naru blinked in stunned shock.
"You'll live," Mutsumi assured the martial artist.
"Dunno if I want to," he moaned, sighing in relief when the waiter
presented him with a pitcher of water, and an empty glass. "Stupid
intentional low alcohol tolerance... stupid drunken boxing." He sipped
at his water, relaxing somewhat. "What was that about a toast?"
Intentional low alcohol tolerance? How do you do that?
"Yeah, but you made it look so easy!" he protested, wincing again. "And
it really seemed like a good idea." He shifted his position
uncomfortably, then ducked his head and looked away. "You know. At the
time."
Many things do.
Mutsumi giggled, and Ranma climbed to his feet. "Anyway," he said,
shaking his head. "Why don't you let me walk you home?"
"Ah, why not let all of us go with you?" Keitaro quickly added, smiling
hopefully. "It would be a shame to run into you again, and then never be
able to see you again."
Keitaro, you have NO idea.
"Just tracking our footprints until I get my bearings," he said.
"You can track across pavement?" Naru asked, surprised.
"And through raining forests -- never would have found Motoko-chan
otherwise, unless it was dumb luck," he dismissed. "I got it. This way."
He marched onward, Naru and Keitaro following behind.
Ah, er, how? Is he seeing ki traces or something?
Keitaro snorted, shaking his head. "Not a big fan of rain?"
"Yeah, it makes people think I'm gay."
"Oh, so you think Mutsumi's chest is better than mine?"
Um, er, this was unexpected. I didn't see anything at all leading up
to this argument.
"'...female dormitory,'" Keitaro observed aloud, massaging his eyebrow
as it began to tic. "Boy, I wish that sign had been up when I first got
here."
But then you'd never have had all this fun!
Mutsumi nodded in understanding, beaming a smile at him.
Why don't cute girls do that to me?
"That would be wonderful!" Mutsumi enthused.
I am still not convinced that "enthused" is a verb, much less a speech
indicator.
"You can't!" Suu cheered, flying into the room from the hallway, and
tackling Ranma to the floor. "Your room isn't ready yet."
Eep.
"His synch rating is over four hundred percent!" Suu exclaimed, waving
a small hand-held computer in one hand, a white lab coat fitting loosely
about her shoulders as she dashed into the room. "He's gone berserk!"
Synch rating, huh? I think we've found Ikari Gendou's mother.
"No real cats," Suu said, shaking her head. "But I made a hologram
projector to test a Ranma's reaction to cats!"
Why does she never listen?
It took him the better part of an hour to actually run into Seta. The
man was situated in his van, down by a small river a good mile off from
the Hinata-Sou. Keitaro had no idea why the man was there, and even less
of an idea of how he had managed to find him, but wasn't about to
complain. Haruka had said to find him, so Keitaro had.
"situated in his van" does not sound right. It sounds like one of
those phrases that looks all nifty, but really means next to nothing.
"He's... um... acting like a cat," Keitaro offered weakly. It suddenly
occurred to him that Seta hadn't known about Ranma's curse. "Oh, and...
he's been turned into a girl," he added thoughtfully.
Gee, that'll help.
"Sounds serious," Seta said, rubbing his chin. "Well, if Haruka-chan
wants me to see what I can offer, I'll try to help. Hop into the van,
Keitaro -- we'll drive back."
No, don't do it, Keitaro!
Keitaro nodded, climbing into the vehicle after Seta opened the door,
and then buckled his seat belt. The man took a moment to shuffle some
things into the van from outside -- the icebox, a collapsible chair, and
a dirty shovel -- before he climbed into the driver's seat. Humming
quietly, he turned the key in the ignition.
When the vehicle sputtered to life, the aged radio did, too, playing
some tired English song. "I like to dream, yes, yes," the radio crooned,
as the world outside the windows blurred sluggishly, sliding violently
to one side. "Right between the sound machine."
I do not believe that this is an actual van with an actual internal
combustion engine. It acts much more like a UFO or something. Or
perhaps it is moving the universe around it, rather than itself
moving.
Keitaro blinked, trying to get his bearings, and realized that he was
smashed up against the door, while Seta made a thoughtful noise, threw a
lever, and stomped on the gas pedal. "Uh-oh," Keitaro managed to croak out.
He catches on eventually.
"On a cloud of sound I drift in the night," the song continued. "Any
place it goes is right."
"I think I know a shortcut," Seta said helpfully before he reached out
to turn up the volume of the radio. While he did so, the river spun
crazily in place, and Keitaro swallowed heavily, whimpering.
Brian, you have now shorted out my brain. (And Heaven's warranty
department says this counts as abuse, so they won't replace it.)
The van came to a lurching halt, flipping end over end while the music
seemed to shift by the Doppler effect, and the ground greeted the metal
behemoth. When Keitaro opened the door to stagger out, he and Seta
bleeding from matching cuts on their heads, he had to wonder if the ride
was as bad as he had thought. Was it, perhaps, just his imagination? The
van certainly didn't look like it had rolled the way he remembered
happening.
It's made of static field reinforced neutronium. Yes, that's it.
Seta opened the side door of the van, and rummaged through a box for a
moment, before producing a book titled 'Advanced Combat.' "Very well,"
he said, nodding. "Let's see what this is about, then."
Er, right. Why do so many people have books about the Neko-ken, if
nobody ever uses it anymore?
Seta nodded thoughtfully, as Sarah bounced into the room, gleefully
throwing herself into the man's arms. "Papa-san!" she exclaimed. "Are we
going fishing today?"
"You want to go fishing?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I
suppose we could do that." He turned to look at Haruka. "Do you mind if
I take her out for a while?"
Haruka isn't related to Sarah, is she?
Motoko obliged, reading aloud, "'Of course, this isn't a real
technique, and only an idiot would try it.'" She blinked, then sighed.
"Oh. So, in his quest for power, he brought this upon himself."
"It ain't like that!" Ranma said, suddenly sitting bolt upright.
"Wait." Her brows furrowed, and she turned to look at Motoko
speculatively. "What happened?"
Hurrah for reflexes!
The kendoka blinked, glancing about the room, then coughed, hiding the
notebook behind her back. "Nothing, nothing at all," she blurted,
managing a forced smile, though even to Shinobu's eyes it was unconvincing.
Shinobu frowned, shaking her head. "Oe-san?" she asked tremulously.
"Why did you try and learn the neko-ken?"
Aaargh. "try TO learn". This one really annoys me. I don't think even
dialogue should be allowed to use this error.
"Wait here a moment," Motoko said, holding up a hand to forestall
Ranma's motion. It came too late, and the hand pressed into Ranma's
chest. The redhead looked down at Motoko's hand, and the kendoka quickly
withdrew it, blushing. "Ah... that is... wait here a moment, while I
make sure there is nothing else in your room that should not be there."
Still blushing, the kendoka retreated swiftly, vanishing up the stairs
towards Ranma's room.
You know you want her, Motoko!
"I guess," Mitsune replied, shrugging. "I'm not really scared of
anything like that, though."
"A letter came for you today," Motoko said, shifting the subject of the
conversation.
I like this irony. I do.
"What, really?" Mitsune asked eagerly. "What was it? Where is it?"
"It's from a debt collector."
Mitsune's expression paled, and she looked around nervously. "Uh...
really? Where's it from?"
"It isn't real," Motoko explained. "Today is Sunday, after all. The
point is that we all have our fears."
Nothing's real on Sunday!
"I'm afraid... that some day everyone will vanish, and I'll be... all
alone." She swallowed. "That's... my fear."
Why? It's not as if everyone else is out of mythology or something.
"Feels like it, too," Ranma said, extending a wrist to Mitsune so she
could touch the material. "This was a gift from... someone... after...."
His face clouded, and he shook his head. "It was a gift," he said
simply, shrugging. "She said it was dragon-hide. I don't know if it's
true or not, but I really like them anyway."
"Dragon hide?" Suu asked thoughtfully, peering closely at it, then
nodding. "Looks like it," she replied disinterestedly. "Aniki has a pair
of bracelets like that, too."
"Who's your older brother?" Ranma asked, plucking shirts and folded
pants from the package and setting them in a neat stack.
"He's a prince," Suu said simply. "Ooh, is this a photo-album?"
Would his name, by chance, be Herb?
Enh, no, couldn't be. Suu didn't know about Jusenkyou before Ranma
came. Drat.
"Oh, Tamago told me," Mutsumi explained, nodding happily.
This would generally be considered a sign of insanity.
Shinobu, also on the balcony, brushing her teeth, eyed the collection
of people below her carefully, and removed her toothbrush from her mouth.
She remembered!
>From chapter three:
He scribbled in his notebook again, and Shinobu laughed,
carefully pushing her toothbrush away from her. "Well, I'll just
remember, 'Be careful about brushing your teeth near Oe-san',"
she giggled.
I like it! Keep up the good work!