Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.4

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. 
 My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

Accept those comments and criticism that
you find useful, ignore the rest.

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1)Great Hook. Fast, sharp, gets the readers attention.
And I rather like the title.

Minor quibbles:

a) " . . . hoping that being bent-over would keep the . . ."
sounds awkward to my ear. I'd try a different description.

b) "boomers shot smacked her in the right shoulder, sending her into a
tumbling roll." 

Now, after reading the entire post, this makes sense. However at the time
it bothered me. A 'normal' round from an hand weapon won't send
someone "into a tumbling roll." Any thing that would, would also
tear the arm off, unless it's armored. There are a lot of ways around this,
it's just that a couple of words of description might make things clearer.
EXAMPLE: " . . . into a tumbling roll. She was lucky the boomer wasn't
firing standard anti personal rounds or she would be missing an arm."
{NOTE: instead of "tumbling roll" you might use "spinning" ^_*}

NOT the only way, just a little something to explain why there aren't
little bits of Linna leaking all over the floor. 

2) Well written bit about Linna's 'home life', but a trifle bland. I'd suggest eliminating most of it and getting right to the Laundromat
 OR 
adding more detail to make the scene more three-dimensional and more
interesting. For example:
 NOT 
"some of the city's dumpier dives" 

but rather

NAME the dive(s) and describe them and the music. Bring this future to life and make it seem LIKE the future. The best example of this sort of thingI can give are the opening scenes of DUNE by Frank Herbert or perhaps
Robert A. Heinlein establishing a future world with only three words:
"the door dilated . . ."

A couple of links that may be helpful.
http://www.ku.edu/~sfcenter/protocol.htm
http://public.planetmirror.com/pub/textfiles/sf/heinsex.txt

3)Nicely done bit with the hook -> flashback  -> 'realtime'. VERY smooth.

Minor quibble: "And Tokyo god damn Electric" sounds awkward. 
Plus, I'd set it off with:

. . . and Tokyo
OR
 - - and Tokyo

just so the reader's eye picks it up as an extension of the earlier
bits.

You might also  play around with:

Tokyo *god damn* Electric
Tokyo Friggin Electric
Tokyo E-friggin-lectric
 
or even

The boomer's shot smacked her in the right shoulder,

     . . . and Tokyo - - 

 sending her into a tumbling roll. 

     - - god Damn! - -

     Coming out of the roll she scrambled again for cover.

     - - ELECTRIC!- - 

NOTE: NOT the best or even only way to do this. Merely examples
of what I'm talking about.

I like the concept a lot, but the way "Tokyo god damn Electric"
is written just 'sounds' funny when I'm reading it.







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