VERY GOOD!
Good hook, crisp dialogue, snappy fast moving narrative.
Not enough to really C&C properly, but a darn good beginning.  Give us about 30K+, IMO that's the _minimum_ necessary to
C&C.  With what you've given, all I can say is that it's good story telling, thus far. If you've got specific questions/problems, ask away and I'll see what I can do. But, frankly, from this fragment, I can't see any problems with your ability to tell a story. ^+*

__________________________________________________________________
The NEW Netscape 7.0 browser is now available. Upgrade now! http://channels.netscape.com/ns/browsers/download.jsp 

Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'