Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fic] [TM!] The Unruly Son Saga : C&C comments
From: Rolf
Date: 12/11/2002, 11:30 AM
To: Kenji Murasaki
CC: ffml@anifics.com


Hello Kenji M., 

Hmm... I'm new to this board, so I don't know whether
should I send this directly to you or the board. 

Anyway, let me first say that your C&C was the most
helpful so far, thank you very much.

Spelling/grammar checking isn't important, unless
they're are really awkward phrases, or if some words
are being used over and over again, which can become
annoying.

I went over the story again, and added the Ayeka
transition as you suggested, and when switching added
more transitional words to the scene, broke some
paragraphs up where different people are talking.

Actually it's not an wholly omniscient view, because I
won't show how Tenchi(s) think or feel for quite a
while, other than their dialogue.

I toned down the cursing a bit, took some out.  I
can't add it in fight scenes, because this person uses
it more to describe people he's hates/annoyed with,
rather than to dramatic effect.  If anything he
doesn't get bothered by fighting, he taunts his
enemies more, than curse at them in those cases^-^

I incorporated some of your ideas to have Washu be
aware of Ryoko's presence during the conversation, but
couldn't take all of it.  The OAV's are very vague on
the bond issue, I believe Ryoko should be able to shut
Washu out (her not having access to her thoughts and
feelings, esp. after episode 13.5 (the
"mother-daughter" moment where this takes place a week
after), but I agree Washu maybe able to detect Ryoko's
presence.

I only say maybe, to that, because of episode 11. 
Washu didn't seem to be aware that Zero took Ryoko at
first (or be an excellent actress), or how she did it,
especially when Washu said right after Zero almost
killed Tenchi, "So I guess the gems are real, huh?" 
Basically, she must have been unaware of how Zero
captured Ryoko, and took her single gem for Washu to
say such a thing, even though Tenchi heard Ryoko in
the lab.

Also, in ep. 11, Zero was drinking sake and seemed
surprised by Ryo-ohki's presence when the cabbit
jumped up onto her, though it's debateable if she had
a link in the first place.

I changed some words around, I didn't want Ryoko to
come across frozen with fear (yet) as her reason to
stay in the closet, rather something internally
telling her to stay there, (all I can say it has to do
with the person trying to unmask Tenchi.)

Same thing with Nobuyuki, I wrote it to him scold
Tenchi more during and afterward.  I didn't want him
to seem like a cowed man, but rather a compassionate
man just confused and willing to forgive his son
almost anything.

I also added a part, where basically Washu and
Nobuyuki help 'shoo' along the two princesses, so it's
not Tenchi just taking care of them.  Let me add that
Tenchi has been a manipulating them for a long time,
so he's good at what he does (but not perfect:) 
Thankfully, I have it planned out, where it doesn't
directly change any episodes in the OAVs, rather adds
behind the scenes to them only.

Thanks again for reviewing, I'll put a link up to the
revised first chapter when I get to putting the second
one up later today.

Cheers, Rolf






--- Kenji Murasaki <nexuspost@hotmail.com> wrote:

This story poses an interesting concept.  Here's
most of what I've observed 
while reading.  You'll have to forgive me for not
spell-checking and 
skimming for minor grammar this time around.

THE TECHNICAL

The story prose flows well until the point where you
begin switching 
introspections from Nobiyuki to the others.  It
often seems like there needs 
to be a scene break in place (for example, between
Tenchi's outburst and 
Aeka's waking up from the noise).  Trying to balance
the POV to give the 
reader the omniscient view of every character's
thoughts and feelings is 
extra work from what you initially established with
Nobiyuki's introduction. 
  Also, you should break into different paragraph
segments when new 
characters are speaking, to decrease reader
confusion.

Tenchi's violent reactions, in my opinion, should be
tinkered with.  As is, 
you can credibly have him speak darkly without being
verbally vulgar.  
Swearing, unless in the middle of a fight (and not
that often, even then) 
takes away from the dramatic tension of a moment. 
Keep a few of the more 
powerful curses within choice lines, but to keep
them all cheapens the 
scene.

There is a cannon issue, according to the source
you're using.  In the OVA, 
Washu, Ryoko, and Ryo-Ohki all share a psychic bond
with each other, and 
know each other's thoughts and feelings.  That said,
I'm hard-pressed to 
believe that Washu didn't know about Ryoko's
presence at any given time 
while she's evesdropping in on Tenchi's and
Nobiyuki's conversation.


THE CHARACTERS

I understand the early OOC warning.  Given that,  I
have  to say you're 
giving the audience a great deal to swallow in terms
of reasonable 
believeability.  Tenchi getting the better of
everyone in the house in one 
fell swoop might be necessary for this chapter, but
it didn't seem written 
within reason.  You probably have something
established for Ryoko's 
witnessing in later accounts, but her complete
inability to do something 
against Tenchi's assault doesn't strike well.  It
would be more 
understanding if her motives were being merely
snoopy instead of frozen with 
disbelief and, if I read correctly, fear.

Nobiyuki comes off as a cowed man, which is a
pitiful site.  Dunno how you 
can tone it down or modify, though.

It might work better to have Washu actually back in
her lab, and then 
walking in on Tenchi just as Sasami and Aeka do.  It
would give some 
credibility to Ryoko's snooping, as well as give her
motive to stay in the 
closet (via mental talk from Washu while the
scientist checks out the 
situation, and gets neuralized along with Nobiyuki).

As I said, you have an interesting concept going. 
I'd love to see more 
developments of the story, and I hope this helps you
in some way.  Thanks 
for sharing.

- Kenji M. (nexuspost@hotmail.com)




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