[FFML] [C&C][fanfic][Ranma]Divided I Stand: Chapter 8 Rev 0


Hey another chapter! You're fast. Anyway here's some thoughts on your fic...


In a message dated 10/24/2002 8:52:03 AM Eastern Standard Time, noharness@mac.com writes:

Shoko Asahara adjusted the wrappings around his head, making certain
that his eyes were the only visible part of his face. Satisfied that his
black attire now adequately covered him, he crept through the forest toward
the river using his clan's Shadow Creeps Beneath the Sun technique. He did
not creep in exact time with the shifting shadows of the forest, of course,
but he did become indistinguishable from them.


Hmm...perhaps you could seperate the technique name using quotation marks, or maybe put hyphens in between the words? Also, while I have a good idea of what the technique is from the name, I'm still not sure quite what he's doing. It's a little frustrating, like what Takahashi did with the Umisenken.

 
       After several minutes of traveling in such a manner, he came upon the
riverbank at the base of the cliff upon which Happosai had chosen to camp.
Much to his delight, his timing had proved perfect. The fools pursuing
Happosai had found and followed the old man's trail with the help of a
guide, and were now surveying the cliff, trying to choose the best route to
use in climbing it.


This sentance seems a little awkward. You might just say "trying to find the best route to the top" or something.

       Damned fools! he thought. They're already dead and don't know it.
Happosai had left a trail that even the slowest-witted my apprentices could
have followed.


Slowest-witted OF my apprentices... also you might consider not using contractions (They are instead of they're etc.) Asahara seems to be more intellegent, but the contractions  go against that impression.

Yet, they had to hire a guide. Obviously, they plan on
killing the guide once they have finished with Happosai. Your problem
gentlemen, is that Happosai will finish with you first. You'll never get
around to killing that guide. He'll lead the police here and say,
truthfully, that this is where he parted company with you. The police will
find your bodies all battered and broken and assume that it was you who
killed the curator. Then they will assume that the lot of you died in an
accident as you tried to climb down from this cliff. They'll wonder for
years why you came all the way out here to torment that silly little man,
but in the end, they'll be happy to close another troubling case and the
real story will never be known. You will all be written off as just another
sect of religious fanatics. Your foolish faith in that non-existent
demon-god of yours has done you ill this day, boys. The Eye does not choose
its favorites lightly. It has chosen the old man over you.


Asahara is a little too sure of things. He sounds like a villain in a cartoon...of course that's probably what he IS, but still. Basically I'm thinking this passage is telling too much without showing. And I really don't know who Asahara is yet or why he knows so much about Genma and Soun, or how long it's been since (before?) the events of the last chapter. I'm guessing you will reveal these things in time. I'm just sharing my thoughts as I read.

 
       Asahara settled down at the base of a tree surrounded by underbrush.
He could see the river and the cliff above it quite easily from here, but
the forest understory would break up his outline nicely, making him
invisible to even well-trained eyes. He expected Happosai's carefully staged
little drama be over with in five hours or so.


within. One word.

That was a relatively short
wait by his standards. Watching and waiting without moving did not bother
Ashahara until after the second week passed.


This is a little confusing. Has Asahara been watching and waiting for two weeks or are you just saying that he CAN watch and wait for two weeks if he had to? You might want to say something shorter too like "keep vigil" or something. Also you have an extra h in Asahara here.

This little jaunt was proving to be completely painless.


If it's a little jaunt why would it be anything but painless? What is he doing? Why is he spying on Genma and Soun? Is it because of an order from the Eye or is he just doing it out of curiosity? Why does he need to hide if Soun and Genma are such baffoons? Just some questions running through my mind at the moment.

He probably would not even find it necessary to
eat until he was well away from this place and on his way home. He was glad
of that. While he willingly did the bidding of the Eye, he had no desire to
confront Happosai.


So if he wants to eat he must confront Happosai?

The old man was welcome to keep the Eye and delight in
its company all he wished. He would not be the first to do so. So long as
Happosai did nothing to risk the destruction or loss of the Eye, Asahara
would be content to remain a passive observer.

 
Okay my current understanding of the situation is that Asahara is some sort of guardian for the eye and that he's making sure Happosai doesn't try to damage it. I don't see why  Genma and Soun would make him spy now, rather than before. My guess is that its at least a few weeks since the last chapter and Genma has gotten out of the zoo, joined up with Soun and they've gone a huntin'. I'm feeling like maybe I'm missing something here. Did you write another chapter while I wasn't looking or something?

            ================================================
 
  
 
       Ranma Saotome woke up to the sound of snarling diesels and the
high-pitched howls of chainsaws. He was annoyed at first, then realized what
was going on.


I like this intro to the scene.

 
       "Gotta admit," he muttered as he sleepily tramped his way downstairs,
"its good to know that people are fixin' things."
 
       On reaching the first floor his ears picked the sound of something
else. Running water!
 
       "It's in the kitchen!" he exclaimed as he sprinted across the room.
Sure enough, water was pouring out of the faucet of the kitchen sink.
 
       "Man! The girls are gonna be happy about this!"
 
       "About what, Ranma?" Nabiki's voice asked.
 
       Ranma turned to find her standing in the entryway of the kitchen,
looking at him expectantly.
 
       "The water's back on," Ranma said with a huge grin.
 
       Nabiki disappeared as though caught in a teleportation beam. Ranma
blinked in dismay.
 
       "I had no idea she was that fast!" he exclaimed. He could hear water
running again, and knew that he did not need to check for the source. It was
coming from the furoba.


You know you could just say bathroom. Some people might not know what a furoba is.

 
       He stepped back into the great room and could hear Nabiki's muffled
shout of "Cold! It's cold!"
 
       "Yeah, but is it fresh?" Ranma shouted.
 
       "Yes!" came Nabiki's muffled reply.
 
       "Then be happy!" Ranma shouted.
 
       "I am!"
 
       Nabiki's muffled reply was followed by the sound of running feet.
 
       "Iito-za!" Ranko shouted.


Did he turn into a superhero? I'm not familiar with this word.

       "Look out, Ranma!" Akane added in the same tone of voice.
 
       Ranma jumped aside as they thundered the stairs.


thundered DOWN the stairs

Both of them were
wearing yukata and carrying towels. The looks on the two girls faces told
him that he had done the right thing by moving out of their way. It was
disconcerting.


Um...which two girls?

 
       Hmph! I kinda already expected to get pushed around by Akane, but
geez! Now she's got a helper and one of 'em is really me. Whatever Akane
hasn't already figgered out, Ranko is gonna tell her.


This is a little vague. What does Ranma mean by pushed around? Is he still talking about the girls running to the furo? If that's it than what does he mean by Akane figuring out things?

He opened the engawa
and made his way outside.


Again you could just say porch or something. From context I would think engawa was just some sort of door.

He started a fire, then came back inside for a
kettle and filled it from the faucet in the kitchen.
 
       "Don't guess I can blame 'em for bein' excited about the water,
though," he muttered. "Of all the things that bug ya about livin' the road,
not havin' water handy is the worst."
 
       He went back outside and hung the kettle over the fire and sat down
to think. 
 
       How the hell am I ever gonna work all this out? I mean, they'll both
want kids, right? Who am I kidding! I got the answer to that yesterday out
in the doujou.


Wait a minute. Yesterday? Then who are the two people Asahara is following?

Of course, they both want kids. Well, Akane wants kids
already. Ranko probably ain't had the time ta think about that, yet, but she
will. Oh, shit! She's like me. Once she wants somethin', there ain't no
stoppin' her. Gotta remember to give Pop an extra whack or two over this
one. With my luck, they'll both get pregnant at the same time. How the hell
am I gonna feed two women and two kids on the kinda money I can make?


Aheh. I wouldn't think Ranko would be that quick to want to get pregnant. Kids yes, pregnancy I would think would make even a normal girl pause, especially considering that all the concerned parties are still teenagers. Of course this is Ranma's thoughts so a little lack of realism is understandible.

 
       "What's the matter Saotome?" Nabiki asked. "You look worried about
something.
 
       Ranma turned to find that his future sister-in-law was standing on
the engawa behind him, dressed in a damp yukata with a towel wrapped around
her head. He nearly went cross-eyed trying not to stare. Nabiki smirked at
him. 
 
       "Whadda ya think they pay bodyguards, Nabiki?" Ranma asked as he
turned around and stared into the fire.

 
       "Well that speaks volumes!" Nabiki said. She walked over close to
Ranma and placed the palm of one hand on his forehead.
 
       "Well, you aren't running a fever. That can only mean one thing."
 
       "Huh?"
 
       "Huh, indeed, Ranma," Nabiki said, giving Ranma a knowing grin. "Have
you set a date yet? Are we having two separate weddings, or are the three of
you set on getting it all done in single ceremony?"
 
       "Who said anything about weddings?" Ranma asked with more than a
little heat in his voice. "I'm just tryin' to figure a way to make a little
money is all."
 
       "Like I said, Ranma, that alone speaks volumes," Nabiki answered. Her
demeanor changed dramatically as she suddenly became all business. "You
haven't asked Dad about anything like this, have you?"
 
       "No, why?"
 
       "Because thirty seconds after you do that, he's going to be out
ordering wedding invitations, that's why?"
 
       "Oh, man!"
 
       "You still have another year of school to go, too, you know."
 
       "Yeah, I know!" Ranma said disgustedly as he rested his chin on one
hand and stared at the fire again. "It don't look to me like things are
gonna wait for us to finish school, though."
 
       "You don't want Akane to have to live the way your mother has had to
live, do you, Ranma?"
 
       "Hell, no!"
 
       Nabiki breathed a sigh of relief.
 
       "I was hoping you would have better sense than your dad."
 
       "Hey! What kind of feat is that, huh?" Ranma asked severely annoyed.
"Sure, he might be one of the greatest martial artists to have ever walked
the earth, but so what? What does he do with it?"
 
       "Be fair, Ranma," Nabiki said, giving him a wicked grin. "He risked
his life and yours chasing down evil just a few days ago."
 
       "Oh, whoo-hoo!" Ranma said with a snort. "We ran out into the storm
of the century to chase a panty thief! I mean, the entire world lives in
terror of panty thieves, right? Especially this one?"

Heh

       "What was all that about, anyway, Ranma?"
 
       "I wish I knew! I asked your dad, but I can't get him to tell me
anything."
 
       "He hasn't said anything at all?"
 
       "Nope. Shuts up tighter than a clam every time I try to ask, or he
changes the subject."
 
       Steam began to pour out of the kettle.
 
       "Just stay here with that, Ranma," Nabiki said. "I'll got get the tea
and stuff. We can make tea right here where it's cooler."
 
       Ranma merely cocked an eyebrow at her. Like most people whose
physical fitness approached or exceeded the optimum, ambient temperature had
little effect on him. The weather had to get truly nasty before Ranma
noticed it. He quickly became immersed in his own thoughts again.
 
       I wonder if there is a place on earth where I could be completely
safe from all women? Hmm, I could go back to China and try to sign up with
the Musk, I guess. I mean, it ain't like I'd hafta worry about pissin' Haabu
off by turnin' into a girl every time it rained. Nah! We'd just get into a
fight over somethin' else and I'd rather fight Safuron again any day of the
week. I wonder of Taro has run into Haabu yet? Boy! I'd like to see that
shit! Knowin' Haabu and his crowd, they'd be throwin' a really big barbeque
after it was over with.
 
       "Ranma!"
 
       "Huh?" Ranma noised, being more than a little startled.
 
       "Are you going to let the water just boil away, or can we make tea
now?" Akane asked. 
 
       "Watcha thinkin' about, Saotome?" Ranko asked as she took the kettle
from Ranma and handed it to Nabiki.
 
       "The Musk," he replied. "I was wonderin' what might happen if Pansuto
Tarou had a run-in with Haabu."
 
       Ranko cackled then said, "They'd be havin' a really big barbeque,
that's what!"
 
       "Ranma, are you sure haven't gotten Haabu mixed up with Safuron?"
Akane asked, looking worried.
 
       Nabiki merely shook her head as she poured hot water over the tea.
 
       "Not hardly!"
 
       "I'd whole lot rather fight Safuron again than I would Haabu," Ranma
and Ranko chorused.
 
       "Was he really all that tough?" Nabiki asked, glancing at Akane's
suddenly pale face.
 
       Ranma and Ranko shuddered in unison.
 
       "Scariest sumbitch I ever fought!" they chorused.
 
       "I hit him with one of the best right-crosses I ever delivered,"
Ranma said with a worried look on his face. "It caught him completely by
surprise, too."
 
       "And all it did was piss him off!" Ranko said with a shudder.
 
       "Yet, Safuron was no push-over, was he, Son-in-law?" a dry and
ancient voice asked.
 
       Ranma nearly jumped out of his skin.
 
       "Cologne!"
 
       "Good morning, Elder Cologne," Nabiki said, giving Cologne a polite
bow. "Would you care for tea?"
 
       "Yes, thank you, dear."
 
       Ranma felt his hackles rising and a glance at Ranko told him that she
was doing the same thing. He liked Cologne, and had no doubts that she liked
him as well, but he never forgot that the Ancient Amazon had her own agenda
and was constantly watchful over her own interests--not to mention that she
and Tofu were the only two people who could sneak up on him with any
regularity. She made him nervous.
 
       "As it happens," Cologne said, pausing to accept a cup of tea from
Nabiki. "I have it on good authority that Haabu is favorably disposed toward
you, Ranma."
 
       "Only because I kept him out of that avalanche," Ranma said in a grim
voice.
 
       "Yeah, and he positively hates me!" Ranko added bitterly. "He
associates me with everything to do with his curse."
 
       "Actually, I think he finds you rather attractive, Granddaughter,"
Cologne said with a smile, "but like so many men, he's reluctant to show his
true feelings."
 
       "Can't blame him for that!" Ranma said.
 
       "Yeah, I was completely male at the time!" Ranko added.
 
       Uh-oh! Ranma thought as he watched Akane put the back of one hand
against her forehead. Akane's fixin' to blow a gasket.
 
       "Allow me to offer you some advice, Ranma," Cologne said.
 
       Ranma, not Son-in-law? Ranma thought. What the hell is she up to now?
 
       "Don't write Haabu off as an ally just yet," Cologne continued,
seemingly unperturbed by the tension around her. "You are soon to face far
more formidable opponents than you have been confronted with in the past.
You may need his help."
 
       The ringing in Ranma's ears drowned out the noise of trucks,
front-loaders and chainsaws.
 
       I might've known, he thought. I just decided that it was finally time
to settle down and this comes along.
 
       "You'll want to get them out of your way quickly, I'm sure," Cologne
said, giving Ranma a sly grin. "If I am any judge human affairs--and I am."
 
       Dammit! Is my life ever going to be my own? Ranma wondered.
 
       "You do realize that your life will never be entirely your own, do
you not, Ranma?" Cologne asked. "The gods never gift a man. They only trade
with us, and they always collect their part of the bargain."
 
       Ranma gave out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. Ranko and
Akane looked angry, while Nabiki cocked an eyebrow at the Amazon Elder.
 
       "What bargain?" Ranma asked. "I never talked to no gods so I wasn't
the one makin' any bargains!"
 
       "He's still got a lot to learn, Elder," Nabiki said. "Who, or perhaps
I should ask, what is it this time?"
 
       "Why, Happi, of course," Cologne said sweetly. "You haven't caught
him yet, have you?"
 
       Off in the distance, a horn blared and all the machinery that had
been running suddenly went silent for morning break. Ranma suddenly realized
that they were all simply staring at Cologne in dumbfounded silence. He
tried to speak, but found that it was all he could do to make his jaw work
on its hinges.
 
       "Why is it that the old letch has become so important all of sudden?"
Nabiki asked. "We haven't been able to make sense of that."
 
"Then I gather that neither your father nor Genma Saotome has told you about
the Eye of Mephistopheles," Cologne said, using the western pronunciation of
the demons name, then sipped her tea.
 
       "No, I haven't and had not planned on telling them, Soun said in a
heavy voice surprising everyone. They all turned toward the sound of his
voice to find him standing behind them.
 
       I wonder what's buggin' him? Ranma wondered. Is he feelin' sad about
something or is he feelin' guilty. Tendo-san is funny egg. There are days
when he's brimmin' with confidence and he breathes fire like a dragon and
there's all those times when he weep like a baby. I wonder what the hell
happened to him? Surely he ain't been like this all his life!
 
       "That, to me at least, seems unwise, Tendo-san," Cologne said, giving
the Tendo patriarch a dry-eyed stare. "You would send this fine young
warrior out alone without even telling him what he faces?"
 
       "Of course not, Obaasan" Soun answered with more than a hint of
irritation in his voice. "Initially he went out with his father. I had no
plans of asking him to seek after the Master until I had the opportunity to
consult further with Genma on this matter."


You might get rid of the after here. "...asking him to seek the Master.."

~~~~~Snip~~~~~

 
       "No, they were merely ambitious and had great appetites for the
adulation of others," Cologne said. "The Council of Elders does not believe
that Happosai will possess the Eye for very long. It is seeking someone
else."
 
       Another heavy silence filled the air until Nabiki picked up her cup
and held out toward Ranma in the manner of offering a toast.
 
       "Here's lookin' atcha, kid," Nabiki said with a wry 
grin. "I guess
it's a good thing you're engaged to Akane and not to me."

Cool.

I'm not sure what exactly the differences are between Ranma and Ranko. Ranko is supposedly the more mature one, yet here Ranma is showing more maturity. Also Ranko seems to copy Akane more than Ranma. One of the things I'm concerned about as a reader is Ranko and Ranma's growth apart from each other, and the clues you give here seem almost contradictory. The bit about the bauble for instance. Why is it that Ranko knew what a bauble was but Ranma didn't? Or was she merely conveying the surprise that both she and Ranma felt at Happosai stealing something other than panties?

As for the Eye, you do a good job of revealing the information, though it seems to drag just a little. Then again, I wasn't in patient mood when I read the fic so that might be why. I liked the connection to Ranma at the end.

As for the beginning. There is apparantly an errant gang of religious fanatics after Happosai's lucky charms. As you know, I thought you were talking about Genma and Soun. When Asahara said they would be thought of as fanatics I assumed it would be because of some ritual they would have to perform or something. A little discription would clear that up.

Anyway that's all I saw that time. I hope I helped,

-W.B.R.