[Ok; don't anyone bother even *trying* to send e-mail -- looks like
receiving it is just a bit beyond the local server (since this is the
*second* time it's died within four days :( :( ) the reason I've set the
`Reply-To:' in this to the FFML (thank God I can at least download the
archives for it. If anyone *has* sent me e-mail, just send it to the FFML
for now (unlesss it's just too insulting to be seen publicly ^_^ )]
In <3DA5F8A6.97E6431@eclipse.net> Bob Schroeck <rms@eclipse.net> spake thus:
Craig, my number one recommendation to you: you have too many
sentences that are much, much longer than they need to be. (I
know whereof I speak -- I'm often guilty of the same thing.)
A common complaint, :) brought about probably by my growing up reading
Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, a lot of old epics etc.; I suppose it's a personal
thing, but I find short (or at least a lot of short) sentences choppy,
disjointed and personally difficult to read. My own rule of thumb tends to
be: try reading it aloud and see how it sounds. Still, I can certainly
appreciate that not everyone is happy reading big, sometimes bordering
on*vast* sentences. :)
[...]
Secondly, and this may be less of a problem after you handle the
monstrous sentence situation, is that your opening lacks focus.
While the story-telling framework is a classic device, you take
too long to get to it. Once we're in the story, we're catapulted
all over the place, but we never get enough information at the
onset to tell us why to care about these people. I got more than
halfway through the entire post -- something like 110K! -- and
realized I really didn't *know* anyone in the story well enough
to want to read any more.
Hmm; this may be more of a problem; but I have to ask first if you've
read everything I mentioned in the foreword (I assume you've read all the DKR
stories, but if you haven't read also at least part 1 of Craig Reed's
Windwalker Chronicles, then a load of TWbD Ch. 1 is just not going to have any
impact at all and end up pretty meaningless).
[...]
A good concrete example would be your band of crossover visitors.
We learn a little about them during the prologue -- they're clearly
important to the post-"Thy Kingdom Come" reboot of human society
in Beta -- but when we actually see them, there's no time for us
to find out why we should care about them for reasons above and
beyond "they're from our favorite animes" before you plunge them
into a crisis that immediately steals them again from our sight,
for who knows how long.
Now, this *is* a problem, and one reason I was extremely reluctant to
post TWbD to the FFML before Dark Chronicles. However, I did it *precisely*
for this reason, and IMO I've pretty-much proved now what I'd suspected from
the beginning. Basically, I've done all I can to make TWbD separate from my
own DChr omniverse (so someone interested only in reading everything from SME
doesn't have to go beyond it to learn anything about Xover characters), and
IMO, it will never (and simply *can* never) be enough. To put it simply, I
think I've proven TWbD *can't* stand on its own merits, never will, and the
fault is irreparable. More explanation and introduction of the Exiles would
only exacerbate the damage, while removing the prologue IMO would do even more
to make the whole thing confusing.
Having said that, I'll continue to write it, but probably I'll not
bother posting more of it to the FFML (most certainly not before posting
DChr). It doesn't seem to be a problem for the SME crew, but most likely only
because they're *intimately* acquainted with every SME story (not to mention a
dozen snippets not yet publicly available) and can use known SME characters as
a foil for anyone new.
Similarly, the prologue spends far too
much time on the social-political situation of post-TKC Beta Earth
before we actually get to the "beginning" of the story; you can
save that material for an explanation to a stranger later, done in
character by a native. Having the narrative voice spout it all in
the first 2000 words is just too much and it bogs down the story
immensely.
I can't agree with this personally (i.e., it wouldn't have bothered me
purely as a reader), but I can certainly see why it might annoy someone else.
I will say though that the prologue is set *after* the end of TWbD-proper and
the info there is a hint at Mark's _Decade_ and TWbD's sequel, which is why so
much is included.
[...]
To this end, btw, I found the one character's knowledge of the SME
universe annoying. I'd much rather see a character learn what's
going on through dint of investigation and even dangerous mistakes
than to start the story with everything handed to them on a platter.
I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, part of the problem is that SME
is known as fiction (although it doesn't exist as reality) in my DChr
omniverse (i.e., I'd written myself into a metaphorical corner and there was
no way out other than to minimise mention of anything my characters know (or
think they know)).
This latter is one of the chief failings of the standard issue self
insert character -- there's no dramatic tension in a know-it-all,
even if that knowledge is for the most part useless. The reader
needs to find things out, and a character who has to find them out
too is an important reader proxy and a useful device.
True, although the Exiles are aware only of what happens in their
omniverse' version of TKC as a story (which is pitifully little in real terms,
since TKC detailed almost nothing of the Occupation year itself). And even
then, remember that Mark had planned originally for at least two other endings
to TKC.
Um. I seem to have gone a little overboard on the comments. Look,
parts of this are excellent. The scene on the plane as and after
Calcite makes his announcement was very well done -- precise, crisp
and well-paced, and also the first point where I actually got
interested in your main American military character despite the
obligatory "dead meat wife and child" scene at the onset.
Don't *definitely* kill them yet. Remember that about 750,000 people
escape from NYC. Actually, it's interesting that you thought that bit worked;
I thought it one of the weakest points in Ch. one and that it still needs a
lot of work (although I suspect that's my being pedantic and not being
familiar with American military, flights from NYC to WDC, etc., etc.).
-- Bob
Cheerio for now,
Craig
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