Subject: [FFML] [C&C] [Ranma] Torn ch 4
From: Donald Lee Granberry
Date: 10/6/2002, 1:06 PM
To: Kit <third_child@hotmail.com>, <ffml@anifics.com>


Kit, I think I have given you C&C on a previous chapter of this story. Many
thanks for taking the trouble to put blank lines between the paragraphs. My
commentary is enclosed with square [] brackets.
 
Regards,
 
 
Don Granberry.


===== Chapter Four: Truth and Consequences

=====
 
[POV not established at the beginning of the scene, but this is not
necessarily a great sin. We'll see what happens.]

"Even a big tomboy like you wouldn't ever understand!" Ranma's lunchtime
shout could be heard across the school yard.
 
[schoolyard] [The phrase "lunchtime shout" doesn't work too well for me. I'd
use "shout at lunchtime" or some variation. However, this is a judgment
call. If no other reader flags this one, ignore this comment.]

"That's it!" Akane retorted, her temper well past its breaking point. Her
entire world filled with red. One well placed foot and Ranma's vision was
filled with clouds and blue sky just before taking a high dive into the
Furinkan's pool.
 
[This paragraph starts in Akane's POV, then shifts to Ranma's.]

"Akane!" Yuka yelled as she stormed onto the scene. "Just what do you think
you're doing?!"

"He deserved it!" Akane retaliated. Though the source of her anger was gone,
she was not in the mood to deal with so-called friends.
 
[Retaliated? I don't think that works in this context. You could use
"rejoined", "responded", "declaired", or even "proclaimed", but "retaliated"
just doesn't cut it.]

"I doubt that!"

"Oh please! He's been begging for that all day. I'm more surprised I didn't
nail him during class!"

"Well, considering what he's going through right now, I'm not surprised!"

"And just what's he going through, right now?" Akane angrily shot back. Yuka
slapped both her hands over mouth as her brain finally caught up to her
mouth.

"I guess you two are getting rather cozy," Sayuri spoke up. "If Ranma can
tell you stuff he can't tell his iinazuke."

Yuka wide-eyed Sayuri, whom she hadn't noticed until just then, and turned
white as a sheet.
 
[Please, "stared wide-eyed at", "wide-eyed" alone does not work. It is at
least as bad as "big-sweated" or "face-faulted". You are writing prose, not
a screenplay.]

"So you're the one," Akane hissed, taking a step toward her former friend.

"I can't tell, I promised," Yuka whimpered. 'How did I get myself into this
mess.'
 
[Question mark after "mess" instead of the period. Also, you need to squeeze
the verb "thought" into this.]

"Fine." Akane's eyes narrowed, causing Yuka to take an involuntary step
back. "I guess I'll have to beat it out of him!"

"No please! You don't have to do that," Yuka pleaded. 'This is getting way
out of control.'
 
[Exclamation mark after "control". Faulty tagging.]

"Then talk." Akane crossed her arms over her chest.

Yuka looked between Akane and Sayuri. The look on Sayuri's face told her she
wasn't about to leave.

Just as lunch started, Yuka had watched Ranma-chan nearly take on boy's head
off when he accidentally spilled some cold water on her. 'Ranma needed help,
even if she wouldn't admit it.'
 
[I think that should be "take one boy's head off". Pronouns referring to
Ranma are confusing. The gender sequence should match the sequence of change
in Ranma's sex. Yuka's line of thought is very confusing for the reader
because you are not using appropriate tagging. Special characters alone do
not suffice in this regard. The word "needed" should be "needs". "Needed" is
in the wrong tense.]

Things were becoming incredibly complicated. Yuka had promised not to tell.
She had promised because Ranma thought it would only make things worse.
Closing her eyes, Yuka tried to gather her thoughts. She wasn't a martial
artist, but she knew how much Ranma's promises meant. If she told, she would
be breaking a trust. If she didn't, then everything Ranma hoped to achieve
by not telling would get blown to kingdom come. She knew Akane would never
get the truth from him. That would drive a deeper wedge between the two that
she was beginning to doubt could ever be crossed. Ranma didn't want Akane to
think any worse of him. By not telling, Yuka would be implying much worse
things.

"Come on, Akane," Sayuri broke into Yuka's thoughts. "She isn't going to
tell us anything."

"Wait!" Yuka held up a hand to stop them. Taking a deep breath, Yuka decided
the only thing she could do was to try to honor the spirit of the promise,
if not the promise itself. "Promise me, you will not tell anyone what I'm
about to tell you."

"We promise," Akane answered. Akane and Sayuri looked at her expectantly.

"Remember Saturday night?" Yuka asked rhetorically. "The reason Ranma was
hiding in the bathroom wasn't because of the clothes she brought."

=====

"Nabiki," Sayuri called out. School was just letting out.

"Yes?" Nabiki replied in one of her more playful tones. She was very happy.

"Did Myako talk to you about the pictures she took this weekend?"

"Yes, I believe she mentioned something about them. Why do you ask?" Nabiki
smirked. "Are you interested in a print?" She asked while patting her book
bag.

"No!" Sayuri almost growled. "Of course not."

"Uh huh."

"Anyway," Sayuri started again. "I was wondering if we could talk about
reducing my debt?"

"Oh, I think I might have some time." Nabiki smiled inwardly. Today, Myako
had come to her with pictures of a Ranma-chan that she wouldn't have
recognized without being told who it was. Today, her aid and best friend had
found the first real lead to where Dr. Tofu had moved. Now, Sayuri had come
to her to pay off her debit. 'Oh yes, this is a good day,' she thought to
herself. 'And I haven't even had to do anything yet.'

=====

"I'm home!" Ranma called out. 'This is not my week,' Ranma thought grumpily.
School was out, but he hadn't returned after his impromptu dip in the pool.
 
[Correct tagging used here.] [POV belongs to Ranma.]

He thought back to the boy that had accidentally spilled his drink over him.
While he had always found it annoying, he hadn't blown up like that since he
first stepped out of the pool in Jusenkyou. He was loosing it and he knew
it. Yet another unwanted surprise that he would have to learn to deal with.
'I hate this curse,' he hissed in his thoughts.

"Oh, Ranma!" Nabiki cheerfully called out. Ranma cringed when he heard the
tone she used. It meant he was about to lose another pocket full of money.
"We need to talk."
 
[Group sentences into paragraphs by character:
 
"Oh, Ranma!" Nabiki cheerfully called out.
 
Ranma cringed when he heard the tone she used. It meant he was about to lose
another pocket full of money.
 
"We need to talk," Nabiki added.]
 

"Uh, what about?"

"Follow me." Nabiki shot him a catty smirk while her eyes glinted with raw
hunger. Ranma shivered briefly until she turned toward the stairs. He just
knew he wasn't going to like this.
 
[Same drill.]

Against his better judgement, he followed. Nabiki headed straight for her
room. He hesitated at the open door. Nabiki quickly snatched something off
of her bed and threw it at him. Before he knew it, his hands shot out and
deftly caught the items.
 
[judgment] [This paragraph works because it is all action with no dialogue
or thoughts mixed in.]

"Change and put those on," Nabiki ordered. She picked up her camera and
began checking it.

"What?" Ranma replied more than asked. "No," he stated once he saw what the
items were.

"Why do you always have to do things the hard way?" Nabiki asked in a
teasingly rhetorical way.
 
["Teasingly rhetorical" doesn't work for me. If more than one reader flags
it, consider changing it.]
 
"There is no way you're getting' me into this!" Ranma barked as he held up
the lacy feminine garments.
 
[The word "getting" should not have an apostrophe unless you are going to
drop the last "g", as in "gettin'".]

"Well, of course not," Nabiki retorted. Ranma blinked then smiled at the
perceived victory. "Those wont fit you. You'll have to change first."
 
[Ranma's responsive gesture belongs in a paragraph of its own, as does
Nabiki's second line of dialogue.]

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!"

"You had better hurry if you want to be through before Akane sees you in
those."

"I said there is no way you're getting' me into that, and that's final!"
Ranma turned to leave.
 
[Problem with "getting'" repeated.]

"Oh, I wonder if Kasumi has started dinner yet? Because I'm sure she'd like
to make something extra nice for your special day, Ranma."

Ranma had the door open and one foot out in the hall when he stopped. Every
part of him was screaming to run and not listen to Nabiki, but he stood
rutted to his spot.
 
["Rooted" not "rutted". Rutting is something animals do, well, humans do it
as well, but we call it courting.]

"Wha- what do you mean?" He didn't turn around.

"Why, your blooming into womanhood, of course," Nabiki cheered. She stepped
forward and scooped up the discarded unmentionables.
 
["Cheered" is a very poor substitute for "said" in this context.
Alternatives:
 
"Why, your blooming into womanhood, of course," Nabiki said in a cheery
voice.
 
Or,
 
"Why, your blooming into womanhood, of course!" Nabiki gave Ranma a cheerful
glance.
 
I dislike this latter form, but I am of the minority opinion on FFML
regarding its use. Other variations are possible.]

"Uuuhhhh," Ranma drew out. He racked his brain for a way out of this, but he
was cornered. Mentally, he cursed Yuka.
 
["Drew out?" "Uuhhhh," Ranma noised, stalling for time. He racked...]

=====

"And one more," Nabiki announced just before another flash covered
Ranma-chan.
 
[Need a comma after "announced".]

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief. It was over.
 
[POV appears to be Ranma's. So far, your control over POV has been quite
solid in these two scenes.]

"Here, now put this on." Nabiki handed the smaller neo-girl some white
cloth.

"What?! You said that was the last one!"

"No, I said one more of what you're wearing. Now change quickly."

Ranma unfolded the said garment. It was a one piece white bathing suit. It
even looked a little more decent than what she had worn to the beach before.
She spun toward the door to go change. She might not have been happy posing
for Nabiki's pictures, but if Nabiki wanted to lighten up, she wasn't going
to give Nabiki a change to change her mind.
 
[Use "said garment" in lieu of "the said garment" or use a completely
different phrase. "One piece" should be hyphenated, "one-piece". "Change to
change?" I suspect the first use of "change" should have been "chance".]

"Why don't you change here?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you do want to get this over with, don't you? You're already a girl.
It isn't like you don't have anything I haven't already seen."

Ranma hesitated.

"If you want to waste time running up and down the hall, that's fine with
me, but do you really want to risk someone seeing you like that?"

With a sigh, Ranma turned around and draped the suit across Nabiki's bed.
She just wanted to get this over with before Akane came home and she was
already on borrowed time.
 
[Comma after "home".]

She stretched her arms behind her, trying to reach the clasp to unhook the
bra. Just as the clasp came undone, a flash went off from the side.

"That's it!" Ranma shouted while shooting a glare at Nabiki.

"Calm down, Saotome," Nabiki smoothed. "Here, I'll even put the camera here
on my desk." She reached over and set her pride and joy down lightly on her
desk. The lens rotated slightly and a red light blinked, but nothing more
seemed to come from the camera.

Ranma looked at her uncertainly. Nabiki smiled and moved further away from
the camera. Ranma stood there for a second before just deciding to get it
over and done with.
 
[As used, "just" is in the position of a "squinting modifier". The sentence
should read: "...before deciding to just get it over and done with."]

Dropping the bra to the floor, she reached down to grab the waist band of
her panties. As she pushed them to just below her knees, the flash went off
again. She shot a quick panicked glare at the camera, but it was still
sitting harmless looking on the desk.
 
[waistband] [Comma after "sitting".]

"Oh my! How did that happen?" Nabiki mimicked.
 
[Nabiki mimicked what? "Mimicked" does not serve in the stead of "said" or a
synonym of that indispensable verb.
 
"Oh, my! How did that happen?" Nabiki asked, feigning ignorance.
 
However, be advised that by doing this you change the POV from Ranma to
Nabiki. Much better would be:
 
"Oh, my! How did that happen? Nabiki asked, looking innocent.]

She looked up, but only saw the after image from Ranma's speedy departure.
 
[Definite change in POV here, and necessarily so because Ranma has departed
the scene, but the whole thing is handled in a clumsy way. Better would have
been something like,
 
Ranma disappeared before the flash of light did. Nabiki looked up, only to
be greeted with nothing but the afterimages of his cat-like departure.]

"Oh well, guess the bathing suit will have to wait till next time."

=====
 
[Transition to the scene change is a little rough, but acceptable.]

"Ranma," Kasumi inquired as the aforementioned boy walked into the living
room.

"Wha-!" Ranma exclaimed, momentarily surprised.
 
[POV given to Ranma.]

"Have you seen Akane?"

"Naw, haven't seen her since she kicked me outta school for no reason,"
Ranma huffed. Though he was more upset about Yuka betraying him and what
just happened upstairs.
 
[Insert "had" between "what" and "just".]

"Well, could you go look for her? Dinner is almost ready."

Ranma looked up at Kasumi, the denial all ready on his tongue. If their
fathers had heard and jumped in, it would have been easy to protest, but
turning down the elder Tendou girl was not an easy thing to do. 'Besides,'
he thought to himself. 'you don't really wanna be here right now anyway.'

"Sure, Kasumi." Ranma turned to marched off.
 
["turned and marched off" or "turned to march off". I suspect you want the
former.]

"Oh, and Ranma?" Kasumi prompted.
 
[Replace "prompted" with "asked".]

"Yeah?"

"I have another letter.." Kasumi trailed off.

"Sure," Ranma answered with a smirk.


[Why a smirk? I think a "grin" would be more appropriate, but that is your
call, not mine. Allow me to say though, that there is already enough of the
kids being cruel to one another in this fic. If you are not careful, you can
darken it to the point that it will lack contrast and become unbearably
dreary. Ranma is the antagonized good guy in this tale, so he needs to be a
source of light, not shadow. Again, that is just my best judgment speaking.
This is story, you write it the way you see fit.]


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