Hi,
I think I'll add the following URL's
to my 'disclaimer'. They're actually
a lot more useful than anything I might
say.

The Craft of Writing 
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

Writing Resources:
http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

Narrative and Dialogue: A contrast in writing styles
http://freereads.topcities.com/narrativedialogue.html





Comments ##


"<SNIP>

No, that was not entirely true.  The sounds of speech were gone, but

Akane

could still hear something, a vague whisper, the ghost of a voice, the
warmth of breath upon her ear, almost

@@Not _quite_ purple prose, but certainly shading toward lavender.
Tone it down just a smidgen.
@@@@

I'll revise this area a little.  I guess I got carried away there.  :)

##Not necessicarily a real problem. Keep in mind that this is MY
opinion. Other readers will differ. The most important thing
is do YOU like it the way it is?
####

@@Basically the dialogue is good, but needs more narrative
to help build a word picture. At most, you might trim the
story a bit, just to make it faster paced.
@@@@

This chapter is supposed to be a little slower than 7, although perhaps I
have taken that a little too far.  It's supposed to be somewhat
contemplative, thoughtful, from Akane's perspective.  In some ways, the
fighting and so on that happens toward the end is a little out of place.

## "The Craft of Writing" covers this better than I can.
However, IMO, while a little 'introspection' in the form
of long and involved sentences can be useful, it's possible
to get too much of a good thing. As always, this is authors
choice, but as a reader I found this section slow and a 
little tedious. BUT, I can't emphasize enough that
this is MY opinion. Other readers may love this section.
####

@@you might add a short bit about Ukyou to remind the reader
of why she holds such animosity toward Ranma.
@@@@

Remind?  The reader hasn't yet been told why Ukyo holds a grudge against
Ranma.

##Well, that would explain why I couldn't remember.
####



  That will come later, when Ukyo's story begins (this will probably

occur in Chapter 9.. I'm still debating whether to branch off and tell a
little of Ukyo's tale - and it is a very important tale in the overall
scheme of things - or to continue with Ranma and Akane for a while.  I'm
leaning toward the former, but we shall have to see what happens).

##Ukyou's NOT dead? OK, then this presents another problem.
I didn't like her sudden death, as I thought she had possibilities
as an ongoing character. 
BUT
As the story was written (or at least as I read the story)
Ranma is VERY angry and completely ruthless in this instance
and wants Ukyou dead. He cuts Ukyou's head off. (That's
the way I read it.) And Ukyou's NOT dead? It's entirely 
possible that I missed something or forgot something
from earlier chapters that would explain this.  
I'll add another URL:
Watt-Evans's Laws of Fantasy
http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

The pertenant rule here would be "Magic has rules"
Which holds true for science or detective work, etc.
In the case of your story . . . HOW do you kill someone
if cutting off the head doesn't work?  AND, why
doesn't Ranma know this won't kill Ukyou?
Watt-Evan's goes into detail about this. 
But, from my perspective, I feel cheated. Again
purely personal, but I like Dorothy Sayers and
John Dickson Carr mysteries because they
give all the clues in the story so the reader
can solve the mystery. Now, it may be that
I've simply lost track of something or 
forgotten. (One of the problems with posting
a story on FFML over a period of time. 
Readers can forget or get confused. At 
least this reader)
IF you've already covered the 'bring
the headless corpse back to life' earlier, 
then you _might_ see if you can work in
a slight reminder for readers in this chapter.
Also a reminder of why Ranma & Happi
would be/Are ignorant of this. I don't 
understand why Ranma didn't flash-fry 
the body. (I was very strongly
influenced by Robert Ruark, Peter H. Capstick, etc.
and their advice on dealing with dangerous
animals:
Shoot them until you're sure they're dead.
Then shoot them again. Bullets are
cheap, hospitals are expensive. OR
as my close range interpersonal crisis
management instructor taught:
Two in the chest and one in the head,
makes sure they're really dead.

1)How do 'they' bring a headless corpse
back to life. Or, rather, are the rules
about this carefully defined and outlined
in the story? (NOT the actual technical
details of how to do it, but how and when
and by whom the technique is used)
2) Is this capability known to the reader?
3)Why don't Ranma & Happy know?


As I say, you may have covered this and I've simply
lost track.
####

<SNIP>

@@I thought the ending was very good.
Again, you _could_ trim it a tad, to make it faster paced.
Good overall, if a bit uneven. Some parts VERY good,
others suffered from a surfeit of adjectives or
insufficient narrative to balance the dialogue.

Hmm.  I'll try to address this.

##ONLY if YOU think it's a problem.
####

I suggest editing, cut the chapter by about 10-15%.
That would probably take care of pacing and
dialogue/narrative imbalance

However this is a VERY subjective feeling on my part.

You might just be on to something.  I know this chapter was longer than any
other.  I'll try to shorten it a little here and there.

##To my mind, it's a matter of pacing. I thought it
felt unbalanced, but I'm not writing the story. ^_*
An example (one of many) in my own story 
"Lure the Tiger" is  chapter 6, introducing
'Ranko'. I got at least a couple of comments
to the effect that it 'dragged'. There's some
merit in that and I've got to decide how 
to fix it, or even if it's a problem
that really needs fixing.

You know more about your story than
anyone else and must make the final decision.
Don't drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone.
####

Good story, well thought out with
well developed plot and interesting characterization.
(Just add a reminder about Ukyou to bring
readers up to speed.)

I'm probably going to start Ukyo's story soon, as well as Genma's and
Ryoga's.  I'm trying to be careful to only lay down one thread at a time, so
they don't all knot together before they are supposed to.  I have an overall
idea of how they tie together but the finer details are the problem, and I'm
having to be very careful that I don't add some minor detail that will
contradict the major story lines later on in the story.  It's more thinking
than I'm used to.  :)

##I usually keep one big notebook for the overall story, and
several binders of 3X5 cards for detail on each character. And
I still lose track. 
Mark Twain had the Mississippi River flowing the wrong way,
so it happens to the best of writers.
####

I'm going to have to request a little trust on the part of the reader,
because things will happen in this story that are sometimes slightly out of
order, with an event coming before its explanation.  Because so much of the
story occurs before Akane is even born, to some extent it's unavoidable.
The main thrust of the story is Ranma and Akane, so I want to concentrate on
that, whilst establishing the other characters and the roles they play in
the storyline at the same time.  Hopefully it won't all be too confusing;
I'll try to keep things as clear as I can.

##It's not a matter of 'trust'. It's a matter of storytelling.
If it works, then you're doing it right, if it doesn't work
re-write in the next draft. 

I'm trying to do something similar in "Lure the Tiger"
In my case, it's not working out as well as I hoped.
I've had complaints about Genma, Ranma and Akane.
I'm trying to correct some of the problems in
unposted chapters.  And, I'm waiting to see how
my versions of Ukyou and some other
characters are accepted. 
The ONLY way to tell if this sort of thing works
is by the reaction of your readers/editors.
This is also tricky, since no matter what you
do, there's always some joker who won't like it. ^_*
As author you've got to decide if revision is actually
necessary.
####

Thank you for your comments - I'll revise the chapter accordingly.

Regards,
R. E.

<SNIP>

##I hope I could help a little.
Revise ONLY where you feel necessary.
NOT just on my or any other comments.


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