In a message dated 9/12/02 5:23:46 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Kyhdin@aol.com 
writes:

 "Thanks!" Mihoshi chirped, going over to the table and then leaving.

    A little awkward.  Suggest something like:  "...chirped, retrieving a 
bottle from the table before leaving."
    And in this revision, Washu never notices that Bubblehead got the wrong 
bottle?
  

 The   computer made on odd sound, and Washu grinned. "Yes! Tetris!"

    Extra space.
  

 Ryoko held up a photo and the morning fight promptly ensued.

    Photo of what?  It can be figured from context, but it *might* work 
better with some mention of what's in the picture.  Say, photographic proof 
of her accusation...
  

 Washu's mouth opened and closed a few times. "She...she..." Washu began 

but 

 was cut off as Mihoshi loudly exclaimed;

    "It's just too horrible!  I can't say it!  I don't want to live in a 
universe where this atrocity is possible!"  Washu screamed, before breaking 
down into hysterical cackling and running for the hills...
  

 "I'm pregnant!"
 
 Even Sasami and Ryo-Oki fainted.

    Ryoko bounced back up, bringing her energy sword into being with a flash. 
 "We have to kill it before it spawns!  You with me, Princess?"
    Ayeka regained her feet grimly, her mini-logs phasing into view around 
her.  "For once, the withered old hag and I are in agreement.  For the safety 
of the Universe, this cannot be allowed to happen!"
    "I'm sorry, Mihoshi," Kiyone intoned sadly as she suddenly appeared in 
the script for no obvious reason.  "But you know what I have to do now."  She 
drew her sidearm and thumbed the safety off...

    (I'm gonna stop now, before things get even more out of hand... (:)  )
  

 The three men at the table stiffened and then as one, everyone turned to 
 stare at Nobiyuki, who's lecherous ways had led to the conclusion that he 
had 
 taken advantage of Mihoshi's drunken state.

    Whose, not who's.  This works better than the original.
  

 It had been a grueling fifteen month wait. By the end, Mihoshi's normally 
 cheerful mood had vanished completely to be replaced by a foul tempered 
 hellion who's screeching cries echoed throughout the house, carrying 
 complaints, prayers, and curses upon the father of her child.

    Suggest "demeanor" instead of "mood."  But that's just me.  And maybe 
"harridan" rather than "hellion" -- "hellion" is more usually applied to 
children, in my experience (although one could argue that Mihoshi's just a 
big kid...).
  

 Sasami was the first to reach the living room, where a very tired Mihoshi 
sat 
 on the couch, cradling a small bundle and smiling weakly. Washu sat next 

to 

 her, looking extremely proud. "It's a boy!" The scientist announced as 
Sasami 
 bounded onto the couch. 

    Washu as midwife, eh?  There are some real story possibilities there...
  

 "Oh, how cute," Sasami exclaimed, peering inside the bundle. "He looks 

just 

 like Tenchi!"

    Which doesn't mean much -- after all, Nobyuki or even Katsuhito could 
(demonstrably) have fathered a child that would look like Tenchi.  Not that 
anyone in the Masaki household is going to stop long enough to think of 
*that* little detail...
  

 In unison, the left eyebrows of Ryoko and Ayeka began to twitch...

    Just an idea, but it might "animate" better if they were twitching 
opposite eyebrows, sort of mirror-imaging each other.  Ayeak and Ryoko, as 
two sides of the same coin, so to speak.


-- 
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.  
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division, 
  <Censored> GmBh.  Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.
"Agent Mulder?  My name is Neo.  I believe I may be able to show you part of 
the truth you've been searching for.  I should warn you, however -- it's not 
what you think."
--

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