[FFML] Re: [fic][R.5]Psychodichotomy (unfinished/draft)


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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


curator@discordia.connectfree.co.uk wrote:


Just something I started to give me a little rest from NNFADSH...

Not much to it, yet, but I thought I'd post it, anyhow, incase someone has something interesting

to say about the idea...


#############


@@Don't forget your disclaimer.
@@@@


Psychodichotomy

   One hypothesis for the cause of multiple personality disorder 
is that a child who has a difficult upbringing and creates imaginary 
friends to deal with the trauma of his or her early life has those 
imaginary characters so firmly imprinted upon their cerebrum that 
they take on a life of their own.


@@Whether or not this is a 'real' hypothesis, you might want
to add a Journal, volume, page and author for verisimilitude.

EXAMPLE:

". . . they take on a life of their own."
Imaginary Reality and Real Imagery in Trauma Induced Juvenile Precortical Degredation
Ebbing K., Jung C.
Journal of Psymtomatic Cycobabble
V.10, pp345-987, June 31, 1929
@@@@


   Ranma Saotome's childhood was most definitely traumatic, but he 
never had time for imaginary friends. That he never broke down, or 
give up on life was just short of a miracle, but the emotional damage 
was done, non the less. It was just very well hidden. Bottled up, if 
you like. Many people have said many times that one should not 
'bottle up' one's emotions, because they will eventually explode out, 
doing much more harm than good.


@@ The bit of psychobabble at the start's not bad. But you should
immediately go into action. You're still telling. SHOW Ranma in action.
You've already set up the trauma and imaginary friends bit at the start.
No need to immediately repeat it. Better to show Ranma doing something
as a result of his trauma, THEN, this bit as needed.
@@@@


   Ranma may not have had any imaginary friends when he was 
younger, but after visiting the legendary cursed training grounds of 
Jusenkyo, he gained the next best thing. That and a crack in his 
bottle - a fatal flaw in his psychic armour, so to speak.


"Boy, you should be ashamed of your self! You're acting like a girl!"
"Why shouldn't I? In case you haven't noticed, I AM a girl!"



@@OK, I see what you're trying to do. IMO, this would have more
impact if it were SHORTER!
@@@@

EXAMPLE:

 . . .trauma before age seven induces multiple personality
syndrome, so called split personalities, of such complexity
that in some cases it is impossible to tell which is the
base personality. In the words of one author, "The imaginary
friends start taking up closet space and using your toothbrush."
From:
Criminal Law and Multiple Personalities: Who goes on Trial?
Journal of Forensic Psychiatry
Ebbings, C.D.; Frost, G; and Lawrence, P.L. Captn. NYPD


     Ranma didn't have any imaginary friends as a child.
Genma would have sold them for a fish and two pickles if he
had. But the cursed pools gave him the next best thing.

     "Boy, you should be ashamed of your self! You're acting like a girl!"

     "Why shouldn't I? In case you haven't noticed, I AM a girl!"


@@Now, the precise changes I made are not important. 
It's the BREVITY. Get to the action ASAP. MOST of
what has gone before is unnecessary.  Also notice I made everything more active.
@@@@

Ranma may not have had any imaginary friends when he was

@@Ranma didn't have imaginary friends as a child.

younger, but after visiting the legendary cursed training grounds of

@@the cursed pools gave him the next best thing.

Jusenkyo, he gained the next best thing. That and a crack in his 
bottle - a fatal flaw in his psychic armour, so to speak.


@@@@
IMO, you've GOT to hook the reader quickly, START the story as deep
into the action as possible and keep the language active. Leisurely dialogue
and narrative is fine. If that's your 'voice' and the tone you want to set, go
for it. IMO, it's much more difficult and you've got to be a brilliant
wordsmith in order to keep the readers attention. 
Show ordinary things in an extraordinary way, or make
difficult things seem clear. A good example might 
be Jean Auel and her "Earth's Children' Series. Try
Clan of the Cave Bear.

OR, Tolkien. He could spend 300 words describing food
and make it interesting.. 

@@@@


               ----====####====----

   "Say... is that a panda?"

   "That /is/ a panda, isn't it?"


@@If you're trying to indicate italic for emphases
/is/ does not work. It halts the flow of reading.
IMO, try _is_ or *is*.

That _is_ a panda, isn't it?
That *is* a panda, isn't it?

I'll try not to bring it up again, but the / /, make
the story almost unreadable to me.   So I changed it. ^)*
@@@@


   The general hustle and bustle of the city road had come to a 
halt. It wasn't every day that a panda bear ran loose on the street, 
after all. Especially not one who seemed to be ignoring every one and 
everything, except for a slightly damp looking girl. And _especially_ 
not one who seemed to be well versed in karate, or some other sort of 
open handed martial art.

   The girl in question stood several meters away from the soggy 
animal. Her Chinese clothes hung loosely from her body, as if a few 
sizes too large, as she balanced in an unusual stance. Her red tinted 
pigtail jumped and fluttered in the slight breeze.

   "Your move," she said to the panda, her expression stern.

   The response was swift and aggressive. The panda charged in and 
let loose barrage of clawed punches. But the girl was faster and more 
agile, ducking and dodging the attacks. Though apparently hard 
pressed in her defence, she was simply waiting for the best 
opportunity to strike back. In the meantime she was still able to 
speak between each missed blow.

   "Well I still say... this whole thing sucks!" An opening showed 
itself, and she grappled onto the animal's bulky arm. "Picking 
Ranma's fianc‚e for him..." She shifter her weight on her feet and 
took advantage of the momentum of the bear's attack to throw the 
creature over her shoulder. "...without even asking!" The bear 
slammed upside down into a sign post, bending the steel tube flat to 
the ground and snapping it from its foundations.

   The small crowd that had gathered around the scene collectively 
gasped. A young girl beating up a huge panda bear handed!? And 
shouting something about engagements? It was all very strange, and 
for those not inclined towards the ways of combat it was somewhat 
frightening, too.


@@OK, this whole bit can stand to be deleted, other than a very small
section. It's TOO close to the original.
And much too passive.  IMO START with:

"Well I still say . . .Picking Ranma's fiancee for him."

THAT line "Picking Ranma's fiancee for him" REALLY got my attention.
That's WONDERFUL, especially with a little bit of set up as if it were 
the original story. But just a little bit. Otherwise, people will stop reading.
Your FFML audience KNOW the original Ranma story. (One of the pitfalls
of fanfiction.  They read because they LIKE Ranma, but don't won't to 
read what they already know.)


EXAMPLE:

     "Are you _insane_!"

     The high pitched cry, from high above street level
caught the attention of shop keepers setting up for the day.

     "Can panda's fly?" Mr. Honda paused, one hand shading
his eyes as he looked into the air over his noodle shop.

     "Panda's? Fly?" Snapped Mrs. Honda, out of patience with
her husband's day-dreaming. "Of course they can't fly----" 

     Mr. Honda took a quick step to one side as a huge black and white
figure landed with a thump, on top of Mrs. Honda.

     "Ahhhh. . .I wondered about that," He murmured, watching
interestedly as a petite red-headed girl landed a few paces away, spinning
to face the Panda, who was picking himself up off Mrs. Honda.

     "Stupid old man!" The redhead feinted a snap-kick to the
panda's kidney. Lowering his hips, the panda turned to catch
the blow on his heavy thigh muscle instead. 

     "This SUCKS!" the girl fell back, slipping a hammer-hand blow
that would have cracked her skull. Hitting the ground she spun on her 
hands, trying to sweep the panda's legs. "Picking Ranma's fianc‚ for him!"

@@NOT the only way to do this. BUT, get to the action quickly. 
Keep it active voice and get to the POINT. Which is, The redhead is
NOT Ranma. Or, not as 'we' know him. ^_*

I've added some narrative, using 'Mr. Honda" to give the reader
some reference points. Time of day, location, etc.
Actually there's some justification to start the story even
later, with Mr. Honda looking up in the sky, or even at the point
the panda lands on Mrs. Honda. The actual narrative isn't
that important. Just make sure it's interesting. At a minimum
DIFFERENT from the original. Different dialogue, Different 
actions. (No panda's ripping up signs to bop girls on the head.)
The point is:
Quickly establish, in as few words as possible:
Girl, Panda, Location in time/space. Then get to
your tag line "Picking Ranma's fiancee for him."
THIS is the start of the story. This sets up 
your point of divergence.
@@@@


   The pigtailed girl stood over the fallen body of the animal, 
huffing and panting. Her body seemed to be straining with the effort 
of holding back her the anger that was evident on her face. It was 
clear that her breathlessness was from her efforts of self control, 
rather than from the fighting. It wasn't clear, though, whether the 
droplets of water on her face were leftover raindrops from the 
earlier shower, or tears.


@@TOO Passive.
EXAMPLE:
          >  The pigtailed girl stood over the fallen panda, panting
with effort. Her body strained to hold back the anger, evident in 
her expression. It was clear her breathlessness was from her efforts 
at self control. Less clear, were the tears streaming down her face, 
from rage? Or Sorrow?


@@Went from 74 words to 48 and made the action more immediate.
Got rid of the 'earlier rain shower'. IMO, if you want raindrops, have
it RAINING NOW, during the action.

EXAMPLE:
     " . . . the droplets of water on her face were from the falling
rain, or tears."
@@@@


   A short moment of silence and stillness passed, though it seem 
longer for those involved, or observing. The upset girl seemed to 
calm down then, recovering from the fury and adrenaline of unwelcome 
news.

@@ Make this IMMEDIATE, ACTIVE! And don't have "seem" and
                              "seemed" so close together.   "Short moment"??? Redundant
"silence and stillness"??? redundant. DESCRIBE the silence.

EXAMPLE:
 
     The air was still for a moment, as if the universe were 
holding it's breath. Then, the girl took a deep, shuddering breath,
and the universe started moving again. A little timidly though,
as if afraid of attracting the girls attention.
@@@@

@@Start Good stuff
   "What about me, eh, old man?" she asked, addressing the 
apparently unconscious panda, still a trace of bitterness in her 
voice. "What happen to me, if Ranma marries? I can't marry a girl! 
And I'm they sure she won't wont wanna marry him with me about." She 
looked thoughtful for a moment, and then began to gather her dropped 
belongings. "But I guess me 'n' Ranma 'aint got nowhere else to go."

@@End Good stuff
@@Now THIS is good. VERY good.
You need to work on the narrative. It's a bit clunky in spots.
Slow. And you're spending too much time trying to re-create
the original story. But _this_ bit of dialogue is really VERY good.
@@@@


<SNIP>

SUMMARY:
some REALLY good dialogue.
Narrative suffers mostly from being too passive. And too sparse.
PLOT: hard to say at this point. I REALLY like that
"Picking Ranma's fiancee" line.

Problems:
Make your narrative more active, the action
more immediate. You're too passive, the
action seems removed, less immedate.

You're trying to recreate the original too closely
in action and dialogue. Scrap all of that. IMO, it's death
to a fanfic. Stifles creativity and bores the reader.
Your original stuff is good. Some of it is
excellent. Take your new characters, put them
in a situation, with a problem to solve. Then
watch what they do.
Don't try to force them into a story that's
already been told.

Let's look at my story
Lure the Tiger from the Mountains (because I know that one better than
I would someone else's story. NOT because I think it's a perfect example)
What is different form the original story?

1)Starts in a different location, warehouse Shanghai
2)NO Genma-panda
3)Female-Ranma
4)Onna-Ranma/Genma conflict, but verbal/emotional NOT
physical.
5)Tendou setup entirely different in narrative and dialogue
we see Kasumi and Nabiki in the kitchen together, then Akane
come in. Differences in characterization immediately apparent.
6)PHONE call, NOT telegram

I am NOT saying that this is the best or only way to do
things. It's merely and example to show how you can
use minor changes, to do the same thing or major changes
yet keep a familiar flavor to the story.

Have Ranma/Genma arrive by train or bus or taxi. or parachute or boat. something different from the original. If you must have a fight
between them, make it different and exciting. Do NOT
have the panda hit Ranma with a sign. (And for
goodness sake, never use a mallet in a Ranma story. <shudder>)
Have the panda pin Ranma to a wall with water from
a fire hose. Use a dart gun. Super glue Ranma to the
side of a bus headed for Nerima.

Don't send word to the Tendou's with a postcard.
Phone, telegram, carrier pigeon, telepathy!
Do NOT have Nabiki poke Ranma in the breast
or repeat "so, this panda just decided to visit" or
some variation. We've SEEN all that.
A simple change, like Nabiki or Kasumi
yanking down Ranko's pants (instead of poking
the breast) might be enough. Have SOUUN poke the breast!
Give SOUUN a breast fixation. ^)^ Something to
make it not seem like you're rereading the original story

I hope this has been helpful. If not, just hit delete. ^_*
as always, write what you want, the way you want.

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