"Utmost diesel sales ltd. co." <utmost@edsamail.com.ph> wrote:

C&C requested

You asked for it. :P

Caught in the middle
A Ranma � Ah my goddess fan fiction work by Jiro Maeda

Standard disclaimers apply

As you've included an actual disclaimer directly below, there's probably
no need for this placeholder.

"Stupid curse, stupid fianc�es, stupid life!!!" Ranma muttered to himself as he sat down near his favorite spot beneath the bridge after another typical day in his life.  His mood darkening as he wrung his shirt dry to prevent it from sticking to his very female chest.  

His mood darkened as
("His" starts a new sentence, so you need a main verb.)

It'd be easier to quote specific lines in reply if you wrapped your
story at 70-80 characters per line.

"Ranma, come back here and try my tuna casserole!" Akane yelled as she carried a pot of something while she chased her erstwhile fianc�.  He turned to stick his tongue at her, when out of nowhere he got splashed.

This may well be a typical day for Ranma in fanfics, but it's not at all
typical for the actual series. In thirty-eight volumes they've only
fought over cooking a handful of times, almost always triggered by some
part of the current storyline.

BTW, the accented e is a platform-specific character and may appear as
something completely different on other systems. Suggest using the plain
ASCII "fiance".

"Aw man, why the hell do these things happen to me?" He asked, wringing his shirt dry.  He felt something amiss and jumped just in time to avoid getting a belly-full of umbrella courtesy of the raging fury of the Hibiki express.  "Good morning to you too, P-chan." He said in rejoinder as he somersaulted into the air to land at the opposite fence.

P-chan," he said
(Your verb "said" here directly tells us that he said the line of
dialog, so it should be part of the same sentence.)
 

"Don't call me that!  For insulting Akane, you're gonna die!" the lost boy roared as he tossed several bandanas in Ranma's direction. 

The multiple bandannas thing only worked in one fight. If this is set
after volume two, he should probably use a different attack. He could do
a Shishi Hokodan if this is after v. 20, otherwise probably just brute
strength.

The pig-tailed warrior brushed off the imagined dirt on his pants and was just about to enter the school when Ryouga caught up with him.  The lost one gave it to him with the force of an out-of-control freight train.  

You've got a romanization inconsistency with "Kuno" vs. "Ryouga". It's
best to be consistent; either use the "extra u" for all long vowels
("Kunou", "Ryouga", "Ukyou", "Toufuu", "Souun Tendou") or always omit it
("Kuno", "Ryoga", "Ukyo", "Tofu", "Soun Tendo").

If you wish to do battle with her, you must first defeat me." Kuno declared as he rose to his feet, his boken at the ready.

You can probably combine these last two paragraphs into one. If not, you
need an opening quote mark at the beginning of this one. (Don't put an
ending quote mark at the end of the first paragraph, though, because
Kuno keeps speaking throughout both.)

Ryouga of course, studiously ignored him; only an idiot would take on another idiot. 

Doesn't Ranma consider Ryoga an idiot, though? The narration up until
now has been from Ranma's point of view, describing things as Ranma
would see them. Is that abruptly not the case anymore?

Tatewaki was miffed at the implied insult and subsequently attacked.  His father, Principal Kuno, and Miss Hinako, who was busy sucking energy from everybody at random, soon joined him.  This minor scuffle soon escalated into a free-for-all brawl with Mousse, Konatsu, the golden pair, the ghost cat and Pantyhose Taro joining in on one side while the fianc�es, Kodachi, Happosai and a mob of marauding school girls attacked from the other.  Poor Ranma was caught flatfooted in the middle.

Well, now this is definitely *nothing* like a typical day for Ranma.
Sheesh, even the series finale didn't have this many heavy hitters
showing up.

I mean, the principal might well take an opportunity stab at him, but
why would Hinako be draining people at random? Such odd behavior for her
needs more explanation than just a one-line mention to be plausible.
(And did she exclude the people who were actually *in* the brawl? If so,
why? If not, wouldn't that have ended the brawl rather abortively?) The
Golden Pair were never seen in canon after their original storyline.
Pantyhose and the cat generally don't come to Nerima unless they have a
particular reason to. Why do they just happen to be here now? What's
more, Konatsu's presence marks this story as happening very late in the
series, while Ryoga's attitude was decidedly early-series.

The resulting mess destroyed half of Furinkan High, as well as most of the surrounding residences.  All those concerned agreed that it was all Ranma's fault.

RANMA: Except me.

When all was quiet, Ranma found himself alone, bruised, tired and empty.
 "Kuso, is it gonna be like this every single day?  What the hell did I

Suggest: "Shit, is it
(You're writing your dialog in English, so write it all in English.
There's no reason to throw in random Japanese words.)

Considering that it was never like this in the original series, I'd give
his question a pretty definite "no," myself. :)

do to deserve this?" he muttered as he threw a stone into the water. 
The pebble skipped a few times and then sank.  Its passing sent ripples
along the waters that slowly faded to nothingness.  "Just like me..."

Nice bit of symbolism, but I'd lose the line of dialog. These things
often work better if you let them stand on their own without explicitly
explaining them to the reader.

Ranma mused as he stared morosely at the reflection of the late
afternoon sky.  He felt moisture on his cheeks and furiously scrubbed
it with a grubby hand; real men don't cry.  The action was futile as it
only made her pity herself more.  

You've used male pronouns for Ranma's physically female form everywhere
else, so I'd use them here for consistency.

This reaction really isn't believable for Ranma, IMO. True, he's never
had to deal with quite this much at one time, but his reaction to what
he *has* endured has never been whiny self-pity.

Much more than anyone else his age, he was constrained by traditions  and mores that were old even before he was born.

That's a rather sweeping statement. "Nobody anywhere has it worse than
meeeeee!" is not an attitude that makes me like and respect a character.

 Honor, Family and Tradition bound him more than the stoutest chain could ever hope to. 

Family and tradition may well be important concepts, but they are not
the names of specific entities, so don't capitalize them.

And struggle as he might, he couldn't break free.  He had to satisfy honor, or die trying.  There wasn't any middle ground to tread.  He knew people didn't really think of him as a person; to his father, he was a meal ticket and retirement plan;

Oh, rubbish; Ranma knows better than that. This is the Genma who gave up
a comfortable home and a wife who's a great cook, going out on the road
where he had to survive by begging for scraps, for the sake of his son's
martial arts training.

to his mother, he was the manly man, the source of scores of grandchildren, prime-breeding stock;

While it's possible that Nodoka might want scores of grandchildren,
she's never said anything to this effect in the series. Even if it *is*
true, why would Ranma think that it is?

to his rivals, he was an obstacle; to his fianc�es, he was nothing but a prize; to the rest of the world, he was a passing entertainment, a freak.

"Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms." Boo
hoo for you, person who happens to be called Ranma.

"Are you sure about that?" came a voice from somewhere behind Ranma, startling the cursed martial artist.  He turned and unconsciously shifted to a loose fighting stance.  He was surprised to find a young girl with weird markings on her face, who was at the moment frowning and tapping her foot with impatience.

"My markings are not strange, Saotome-san.

I'm not an OMG expert, but I'm pretty sure Skuld's not a mind-reader.

 They identify me as a goddess.  Your pure heart and sense of honor make you an ideal candidate, and so Heaven has decided to grant you your heart's fondest desire.  Oh, and by the way, my name is Skuld, goddess-second-class in training," the girl said with a smile.  The smile turned to an expression of uncertainty upon seeing her prospective client with a glassy look.  The young goddess waved her hand in front of the martial artist's face and screeched when the cursed boy keeled over, promptly fainting after a full neural shut down. 

Huh? I can understand him being confused, but this reaction seems a bit
extreme. Wouldn't he just assume that Skuld was crazy?

"That 'something' as you put it, was me identifying myself to be a goddess.  Will you listen now, or do you want to faint some more?" a girl's voice queried somewhere to his left.  Ranma turned and beheld the goddess Skuld's frowning visage.  

"Visage" is an oddly formal word to use, especially considering that
this is presumably from Ranma's point of view. It's all well and good to
strive for variety in your word usage, but make sure the words you
choose are appropriate for the tone and flavor that you're aiming for.

"Are you for real?  This isn't just a dream?" Ranma asked, still unsure of anything.  Sure, he experienced weirdness before; monsters, aliens, ghosts and ghouls, but not something like this.

he had experienced
(the experience was prior to the current past tense narration)

Ranma hasn't met any aliens, BTW. (Assuming this is meant in the sense
of "extra-terrestrials," of course; he has met plenty of foriegn
nationals, but I hardly think he'd consider that particularly weird.) A
goddess might well top the weirdness scale, but at this point, what
reason does he have to believe that Skuld really is one?

 He realized it really wasn't a dream a moment later when the young goddess' mallet slammed him to the ground.

"Why the hell did you do that for, you uncute violent tomboy?" he asked, 

Um, yeah, why? What's more, why does Ranma respond with these stock
insults? In the manga, he had understandable reasons for attaching those
terms to Akane. For Skuld here, those reasons are absent, so I don't see
why he'd react the same way, any more than he did to Ukyo when he was on
the receiving end of the uber-spatula (for example).

Ranma awoke with his ears ringing like crazy and his body aching all over.  He opened his eyes and tried to get his bearings.  From the looks of his surroundings he figured that he was in a blast crater.  "A very big blast crater.  Even bigger than the old freak's Happo-daikirins," he surmised.

Suggest "observed" or something like that. He can see for himself how
big it is, so he really doesn't have to surmise anything.

 He whistled in appreciation at the damage created by a single 'skuld-bomb' as the little goddess called it.

When did he hear her call it that?

"Aw... Think nothing of it Skuld-san; I've had worse than that.  That ain't even a finger to what I go through each day," the martial artist replied, misplaced pride showing through his voice causing his holy companion to face-fault.

it, Skuld-san;

Huh? Presumably this rather stock description means she's surprised, but
I don't understand at what, and she doesn't continue to act surprised in
the next paragraph.

"Be that as it may, I still shouldn't have lost my temper," the young goddess continued, profusely insisting on apologizing to the pig-tailed one, who merely shrugged in answer.

"How about we agree that we're both wrong and leave it at that; all this apologizin' is gonna get us nowhere fast." Ranma said humorously, his hand rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

fast," Ranma
(You have an explicit "said" attribution, so it's part of the same
sentence as the line of dialog it attributes)

The goddess nodded, blushing as red as her mallet.  She extended her open hand, "Friends?" she asked.

Ranma nodded and clasped her tiny hand.  It had been a very long while since he'd had a friend,

Well, except for Akane... and Hiroshi and Daisuke... for that matter,
Ranma seems to think of the Nerima regulars as friends, and generally
treats them as such.

To be continued...

Overall, grammar pretty good; some problems as noted above, but you got
a good deal of the trickier stuff right. Where it needs more work is in
characterization. There've been many, many fics based on the idea of
Ranma deciding he can't stand his life anymore, running away, and
hooking up with the author's favorite anime babe. I don't know how
completely your story will fit into this mold by the time its done, but
it seems to so far. Just about all fanfics of this genre fail because
they show us a Ranma who doesn't act anything like the character we
know. A related problem is that the life such fanfics describe usually
doesn't match what we see in the original series either. The net effect
is that your story loses believability. The readers may stop accepting
what you tell them, because it doesn't match what they already know.

I'm not sure where I'd suggest going with this. Depending on your goals
for the story, you might be able to just cut out all the fanfic cliche
stuff at the beginning and just start off with Ranma meeting up with
Skuld. Getting to the meat of what your story's really about as soon as
possible is generally a good thing. You'll probably have to work a bit
to make the wish believable, but then you can get started on showing us
what interesting difficulties Skuld's friendship is going to cause for
Ranma and how he tries to deal with them.

As always, good luck with this and any other fanfics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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