This is a MSTing of the Ranma shortfic "Go Home" by Tom Keehn. This is
done with his permission.
[The camera pans across a row of leather recliners, only two of which are
occupied. The Less Than Jake cover of "We're Not Gonna Take It" blares as
Knight and Gosunkugi headbang. The two stop when the camera locks on them.]
KNIGHT: Just when you thought it was safe to read your fanfics again...
GOS: We're BAAAAACK!
KNIGHT: Break out the kegs, 'coz it's time once again for a...
BOTH: KNIGHT AND GOS MSTING!
GOS: Party on, Knight!
KNIGHT: Party on, Gos... Okay, that's the last time we watch Wayne's
World after a keg stand...
GOS: Anyway, whadda we got this time?
KNIGHT: Let's see... [pulls out an envelope and opens it] Tom Keehn's
revised Ranma short "Go Home".
GOS: Think he's trying to tell us something?
KNIGHT: It can't be that bad.
GOS: You said that about the last two Batman movies, remember?
KNIGHT: ...
GOS: Anyway, let's get this party started! Roll the fic!
[Gosunkugi points to the enormous jumbotron in a flamboyant motion. The
screen stays dark.]
KNIGHT: Uh... Roll the fic!
[The screen is still blank]
KNIGHT: Oh, for God's sake... Carl!
GOS: Carl, we said roll the damn fic!
[Feedback fills the theatre for a few moments before a voice sounds
out.]
CARL: ... ... ... ... ... What?
GOS: Oy, vey...
KNIGHT [angry]: Carl, are you stoned AGAIN?!
CARL: ... ... ... ... ... What?
GOS [to Knight]: This is the last time we hire one of your relatives...
KNIGHT [to Gosunkugi]: Oh, shut up. [To Carl]: Carl, listen to me. Put
the bong down, and START THE BLOODY DAMN FANFIC, ALREADY!
CARL: Whoa, lookit my hands, man... Hey, Rover, c'mere boy!
GOS: He's getting the DOG high? Jeez, who'd we hire, Shaggy and Scooby?
KNIGHT: Carl, the poor dog just learned to lick his own balls! Don't
kill what few brain cells he's got!
CARL: Knight? Gos? That you?
KNIGHT: I am gonna kill him...
GOS: Carl, how about starting the fanfic? This gag's getting a little
old.
CARL: Oh! Oh, yeah... Here ya go, guys...
KNIGHT: About damn time!
Oi... it has been some time since I posted anything to... anywhere.
Anyways, I've fixed up this one to have a... better ending... I think.
--;;
KNIGHT: Sounds confident, don't he?
There is another one to come after this, though I'm not quite satisfied
with
it. Bringing back Tsubasa. ^^
GOS: I wouldn't be satisfied bringing him back, either.
On with the story.
KNIGHT: Goody.
Ranma 1/2 characters and places belong to Rumiko Takahashi. They are
used without permission throughout this work. This is written without
the intent of monetary gain and shall not be distributed under such
pretenses.
GOS: Blah blah blah, yakkity-schmackety, blah blah
KNIGHT: This is known as the "Covering My Ass" part, for the newbies.
Shan Pu swept the floor absently in the Cat Cafe after hours. Another
day had been born and died without bringing Ranma to her. It had been
busy with the school year rapidly coming to a close.
GOS: Poor day.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Aiya, day no bring Ranma! DIE!
'Less than a year,' she sighed to herself. A year that had uprooted
her from the life she loved and thrown her into a much bigger world
she didn't really care to understand. At home she was respected and
known. Out here she was merely a foreigner with a pretty face that
could hardly speak the language.
KNIGHT: In other countries, that would be a prostitute.
GOS: Knight, I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that...
"Stupid Japanese," Shan Pu muttered in her native tongue as she swept
the floor, agitated. "They think I'm some sort of idiot because I
can't speak their language. Let's see them speak my language. Oh,
but I guess that doesn't really count as I'm the one who's left home.
As if I had a choice. Nobody cares that all I want is to go home with
Ranma."
GOS: She wants to what?
KNIGHT: Who cares?
Her tirade ended with an unintentional bump of her elbow into a vase
sitting on the counter. Shan Pu watched in fascination as the vessel
tottered on the counter for a few moments before tipping over the
edge. The vase smashed into thousands of pieces on the floor.
KNIGHT: Has Shampoo been hanging around Carl?
GOS [As Stoned Shampoo]: Shampoo hungry and not know why...
KNIGHT [As Cologne]: Hey, this isn't my oregano! No wonder the tips were
so good today...
"Shan Pu? You all right?" Mu Si asked, rushing into the cafe in an
instant.
GOS: Mu Who?
KNIGHT: Mu Si.
GOS: Gezundheit
The Amazon ignored him, staring at the pieces. Her life had been
tottering on the edge all this time and it was unmistakenably as
KNIGHT: Unmistakenably?
GOS: Tom Keehn is really George W. Bush!
broken as this vase was. There was no way Ranma would ever love her.
There was no way she could go home with him as her husband.
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: Love slave, concubine, sex toy, THOSE I can do!
GOS [As Shampoo]: Whatever works!
"Mu Si? Do you think Ranma will ever go home with us?" she asked,
her voice quavering.
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: Let's see: Leave all forms of civilization for the
backwoods of Bumfuck, China where I can live with a woman who's ten thousand
years older than sand, a blind guy who wants to kill me...
GOS: Let's not forget a cure for the curse, and an insatiable wife?
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: Confucius say, "What the hell? Go for it!"
There was a pause. "No," he answered simply.
Shan Pu stared at the broken shards, her eyes wetting with tears. "I
want to go home," she stated softly. She sensed her would-be lover
moving up close behind her, but he made no move to touch her.
GOS: Bwah? Since when?
KNIGHT: The would-be lover part or the not touching her part?
GOS: Pick one.
"We can stay here," he suggested nervously. "This really is a much
better place than home anyways." He paused before adding quietly,
"I'm treated much better here. I would go so far to say equal but as
a rival of Ranma it seems I'm even more respected."
KNIGHT[As Mousse]: Besides, I don't have to kill it before I eat it.
GOS [As Shampoo]: Shampoo sick of Cat-Rat-Dog.
> "Don't you even care what I want?" Shan Pu asked in a breaking voice,
still not facing him. "I want to go home."
BOTH [Singing]: I wanna go home... I wanna go home! This is the worst
trip... I've ever been on...
"You can't go home," Mu Si sighed. "We both know that. As long as
Ranma doesn't love you, you can't."
GOS [As Mousse]: Face it, we're gonna be here for a while.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Shampoo no hold breath.
Shan Pu turned on her heel, intent on slapping him, but he was away
from her, facing a plant.
GOS [As Shampoo]: Aiya, Mousse find Great-Grandmother's stash again.
"At least you still have me," the Amazon declared soothingly to the
plant.
KNIGHT: Mousse has been taking hippie lessons again...
Shan Pu clenched her fists annoyed and crossed the room. "Why?" she
demanded. "Why? What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?"
GOS: You're voilent, possessive, and borderline psychotic.
KNIGHT: Who isn't in this series?
GOS: Oh, yeah.
Mu Si turned to face her, startled. "I don't know," he replied.
"You ask me questions that I can't hope to answer. I have never
seen anything wrong with you."
KNIGHT: When's the last time Mousse saw ANYTHING?
She grabbed him by the collar and shook him. "As if you can see?"
she huffed. "Everything is broken!"
The young man blinked, glancing about the room. "It certainly didn't
sound like Ranma came through," Mu Si stated. He squinted. "All I
see is a broken vase."
KNIGHT: He ate his "Weedies" this morning.
"Three weeks," Shan Pu said coldly, still holding him by the collar.
"Three weeks and not a word from him."
GOS: Those one night stands are a bitch, ain't they?
"You wrecked his wedding," Mu Si shot back, losing his temper. "What
did you think he'd do?"
KNIGHT: Go on Springer?
Shan Pu shot her eyes down to the floor, seething. "It's not fair,"
she growled. "He mocks my loss."
GOS [As Ranma]: Hey, your fault for hitting the casinos.
"Talk to Ke Lun," Mu Si suggested. "Maybe she can arrange a way
that you can go home."
GOS: Like springing for a plane ticket?
"I'm a disgrace, a failure," Shan Pu breathed heavily.
BOTH: YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!
"Not in my eyes," Mu Si admitted. "It will take time to rebuild
your honor but it can be done."
KNIGHT: Put on some vynil siding, some new wallpaper, and it's good as
new!
Shan Pu shoved him back, releasing him. "Forgiven, even reconciled,
but never forgotten!" Shan Pu snarled at him. "I worked too hard for
my reputation to let it be destroyed by some outsider!"
GOS: I just don't have the heart to take this one.
KNIGHT: Neither do I.
"Shan Pu! Just let it go!" Mu Si shot back, annoyed. "I don't know
how long it will take for you to realize you can't make him love you!"
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Shampoo would if Akane no walk in.
GOS: Don't make me hurt you, Knight.
Shan Pu slapped him again, jerking his head back hard. "Don't talk
like a hypocrite," she growled.
Mu Si turned back, her words igniting a fire in his eyes. "Shan Pu,
if you hit me one more time," he started but was cut off with another
slap to the face.
GOS: Hey, MOE! Woop woop woop!
"What, Mu Si?" Shan Pu demanded. "You're going to hit me back? Go
ahead. See if I care."
GOS: Ka-POW!!
Mu Si clenched his fists. "I... I could... deny you my love!" he
finished with a yell of triumph.
Knight: And that would accomplish...?
Shan Pu rolled her eyes. "Fine, see if I care," she said defiantly.
"You want me to help you pack?"
"You would do that for me?" Mu Si asked in a hopeful voice.
KNIGHT: Mousse, you horny devil... OWWW! [Rubs growing lump on his head]
GOS [replacing small hammer]: I warned you...
Shan Pu was about to comment when a new voice interrupted. "What are
you two fighting about at this late hour?" protested a tired voice.
GOS: The remote.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Shampoo want watch History Channel, not Cartoon
Network!
GOS [As Mousse]: But Sailor Moon's coming on!
"Mu Si is acting out of line as usual," Shan Pu huffed, grabbing her
broom and sweeping up the shards into a pile.
The old crone yawned before striking Mu Si in the head with her
ever-present cane. "Getting to be that an old woman can't get some
rest around here," she muttered.
KNIGHT: I hear Cologne's up to a fifth a day.
"Shan Pu wants to go home," Mu Si offered in explanation.
KNIGHT: She forgot to feed her hamster before she left.
Ke Lun nodded, stifling a yawn. "She can as soon as she marries
Ranma," the old woman agreed.
The sound of a broom snapping filled the room for an instant. Shan Pu
tossed the broken thing into the pile and shoved Mu Si aside as she
made her way to the door.
GOS: 'Roid Rage!
"Shan Pu? Where are you going?" Ke Lun asked.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Shampoo go out for cigarettes!
"I'm going to the Tendous'," Shan Pu called back over her shoulder,
kicking down the door in her anger. The poor thing rattled off its
hinges and fell out the cafe.
GOS: Where the door tumbled to an untimely demise.
"Wait, Shan Pu," the old matriarch ordered.
KNIGHT: Pick up a sixer for your old granny!
Shan Pu paused and looked sternly over her shoulder. "I'm going home
or I'll die trying," she hissed. Shan Pu leapt out of the cafe onto a
nearby rooftop and pounced away.
*****
Ke Lun turned on him angrily. "What did you say?" she demanded.
GOS [As Mousse]: I said, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
"Nothing," Mu Si answered, quickly moving his hands up in a warding
gesture. "She just wanted to go home."
The matriarch's eyes narrowed. "Follow her now and make sure she
doesn't get herself killed," she ordered.
KNIGHT [As Cologne]: I haven't finalized the life insurance policy yet!
Mu Si blinked. "Killed? Akane can't best Shan Pu in a fight," he
balked.
GOS [As Akane]: I don't dial 911, I dial .357!
"I'm not worried about Akane," the old woman stated. "Go."
Mu Si grumbled but decided it was best not to anger the elder.
'Besides,' he added silently. 'It's not every day SHE gives me
permission to follow Shan Pu.'
KNIGHT: Partly because of the restraining order.
*****
Ranma paced the room nervously, unable to word what he wanted to say.
This last week had been quite disturbing and he needed to tell
someone.
GOS [As Ranma]: I can't get that nightmare about me an' Cologne outta my
head... YEOWCH!
KNIGHT [Removing The Brass Knuckles]: You had that one coming.
He regarded the girl on the bed, lying down yet facing him, her head
face cupped in her hands. She was wearing a faded yellow tank top
with short jean shorts, her legs crossed at the ankles and bent up at
the knees so her feet were off the bed. He really hated telling her
anything but Akane wouldn't understand and Kasumi would only nod
dismissively.
KNIGHT: Some type run-on sentences, and others...
GOS: Type marathons.
"I don't know how to say it, but I feel like I've done something
wrong," Ranma managed, shooting an approving glance at her.
GOS [As Nabiki]: I told you it didn't go there...
KNIGHT: After I drink this beer, I'm so kicking your ass.
"Go on," Nabiki urged him.
"I mean, why should I feel like I did anything wrong?" he demanded.
GOS [As Nabiki]: When Akane screamed "Get the hell off me, you
pervert!"?
KNIGHT: Oh, I'm too sober for that joke...
"She helped wreck my wedding."
"Are you saying you wanted to get married?" she asked slyly.
GOS [As Ranma]: Hey, I knocked her up, didn't I?
"Look, I'm still mad at you for what you did so don't play with my
words, Nabiki," Ranma shot back at the middle Tendou daughter.
KNIGHT [As Nabiki]: Who's the one in my room, here?
"Just answer the question," she demanded, unfazed. "You are paying
for my help."
GOS: Man, that one's just TOO easy...
KNIGHT: I didn't know this was a lemon fic.
"I don't know what I want," Ranma admitted, crossing his arms over his
chest, looking away. "But I can honestly say at the time I wouldn't
have minded if it had worked."
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: I paid five thousand yen for that Pocket Fisherman,
and it didn't work!
GOS: That's Ronco for ya.
"What did you do?" his hired confidant asked flatly.
GOS [As Ranma]: Drank a half-gallon of booze, smoked four blunts, went
chasing women. You know, typical Saturday night.
"She confronted me and somehow made it sound like it was my fault,"
Ranma continued. "My fault! She was completely unreasonable!"
"What did she say?" she pressed.
"That we could never be friends," he answered. "She didn't care how I
felt about that."
KNIGHT: Usually, it's the "Let's Just Be Friends" talk.
GOS [Singing]: I'll be there for you...
KNIGHT: Shut up, Gos...
"Ranma," Nabiki said sternly. "This was bound to happen sooner or
later. The failed wedding has everyone on edge. I heard Ukyou beat
the hell out of Tsubasa for issuing a challenge to Konatsu just the
other day."
GOS: And how is this unusual?
KNIGHT: Just another day in da hood.
Ranma blinked. "Tsubasa's back?" he stated in disbelief. He pondered
for a moment, a grin spreading across his face. "Alright! Ukyou will
be begging me to help get rid of that jerk!"
KNIGHT: Ranma Saotome; Warrior, Champion, and sadist.
"Are you sure about that?" Nabiki drawled. "She has banned you from
her restaurant."
GOS [As Ukyo]: Have you seen my food cost from all the meals I gave him?
I'm two inches shy of bankruptcy!
"Oh I'm sure," Ranma stated with a nod. "Tsubasa is as persistent as
they come. I'll just have to keep an eye on her restaurant and drop
in when he's around."
KNIGHT: In some places, that would be called stalking.
"I see how this solves all your problems," Nabiki commented
sarcastically.
"Now we can be friends," he started but the sound of broken glass cut
him off. He spun into a defensive stance, facing the shattered
window. A familiar woman dusted off glass particles, standing in the
debris, dressed in a lavender, silk cheongasm patterned with white
daisies.
GOS: Uh... she's dressed in a lavender?
KNIGHT: And the silk cheongsam is an entirely different garment?
GOS [As Ranma]: Um, Shampoo, WHY did you show up painted lavender?
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Blame script.
Nabiki sighed from her bed. "Shampoo, that was MY window you just
broke," she stated, throwing the Amazon a half lidded glance.
GOS: One thing I learned from my time in the series is that doors are
merely decorations.
The Amazon ignored Nabiki's complaints. Her eyes stayed fixed on
Ranma as she strode her way purposefully towards him. "Ranma," she
said quietly, stopping short of him.
KNIGHT: Dramatic pause for effect... and... HIT IT!
Ranma blinked. Shampoo had not glomped him. He had counted on that
considering how long he had been avoiding her and her not-so-subtle
attitude towards him.
GOS: In public, anyway.
KNIGHT: Huh?
GOS: You shoulda seen what went on behind the scenes, man.
The martial artist held both of his hands open palmed up between them.
GOS: Open palmed up? Is this Nerima Ebonics?
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: Daym, bitch, you stupid fly!
"Shampoo, go home," he ordered.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: What you think I try to do, nitwit?!
The girl licked her lips nervously. "Airen, come with," she uttered,
barely audible.
KNIGHT: Maybe if she said "pretty please with sugar on top"?
Ranma gritted his teeth, recovering from the initial shock of
Shampoo's entrance. "I am not your airen," Ranma declared firmly.
"Go home."
GOS: Yeah, this fic is well titled, alright.
Shampoo grabbed him and hugged him tightly, pressing her face into his
chest. "Can not," she sobbed. "Want go but no allow because of you."
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: I ran from you, I hid from you, I even told you to go
home! WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING NEED?!
Ranma fought back every urge in his soul to comfort the crying girl as
he disentangled himself from her iron grip. He held her back from
him, a pang of sympathy coursing through him at how pathetic she
looked. Ranma gritted his teeth. "Shampoo, I'm not falling for
this," he said flatly. "I want you to go home. Now is not the best
time for me, especially after what you did."
GOS [As Ranma]: It's not Thursday yet! I told you to meet me on
Thursdays!
Shampoo's eyes turned on him hotly. "What I did?" she echoed angrily.
"Ranma ruin Shan Pu. Take Shan Pu's honor. Can only get back from
Ranma to go home. You want Shan Pu go home? Then give Shan Pu back
honor!"
GOS: ...
KNIGHT: Don't even think about it, Gos...
Ranma blinked. "Um ... how do I do that?" he asked, fairly certain he
knew the answer.
GOS: So why ask?
KNIGHT: Ever heard of a rhetorical question?
"Marry Shan Pu," she answered quickly.
KNIGHT: All present who did NOT see that coming, raise your hands.
CARL: ... ... ... ... ... ... What?
GOS: If you don't fire him, I will.
CARL: ... ... ... ... ... ... What?
"No," he replied firmly. "There is always another way. You just want
me to think that marriage is the only way."
GOS [As Ranma]: It's a conspiracy! Mel Gibson was right!
KNIGHT: It's obvious, once you look at the Signs...
Shampoo nodded slowly, tears slipping down her cheeks. "There another
way," she agreed caressing his cheek, much to Ranma's distaste.
GOS [As Shampoo]: You knock Shampoo up, then we have to get married!
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: That's not what I had in mind...
*****
Mu Si dove into the room rolling to his feet. He glanced about the
room, quickly evaluating his surroundings and potential adversaries
for his intrusion.
KNIGHT: I heard Mousse had been considered for the lead in the Daredevil
movie.
Ranma looked up at him, cheek held in Shan Pu's hand. Mu Si seethed
with anger, taking one step forward, but Shan Pu's words stopped him
cold.
"Die, Ranma," Shan Pu said in Chinese.
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: Oh, hell, we're back to that again?!
*****
Shan Pu held her breath, knowing full well Ranma hadn't understood her
words. Her heart cried out, as she knew what had to be done. Killing
him would restore her honor but she hoped against all hope that he'd
just end this once and for all.
GOS: Is the author listening, here?
"Mousse?" both Ranma and Nabiki said in surprise.
GOS [As Mousse]: No, it's Santa Claus. Ho Ho Ho!
KNIGHT: Speaking of which...
GOS: Do I have to break out the mallet again?
The name shot ice through her. He would only get in the way. Shan Pu
knew she had to act fast while Ranma was still surprised.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Now watch as Shampoo pull rabbit out of hat!
Shan Pu barreled into him, knocking him down to the floor. Ranma
sputtered some protests as she straddled him but she cut them off by
grabbing at his throat and squeezing.
KNIGHT: Franks and beans!
GOS: You listen to Lex and Terry too much...
"You ruined me!" she yelled in her native tongue. After several
moments, she felt his hands grab onto her wrists and attempt to pry
them off but he was already weakened from her efforts. "I can't go
home with you and there's only one way I can go home without you!"
GOS: Break it up, break it up!
KNIGHT: Save it for the talk shows!
Hands grabbed her from behind and pulled her up off of Ranma. She
attempted to kick at her new assailant, writhing and thrashing in his
grasp but he would not let go. "Let me go, Mu Si!" she screamed.
"This is the only way!"
KNIGHT: Fatal Attraction, Nerima style.
Ranma weakly rolled up, coughing and holding at his throat. "What,"
Ranma gasped, "are... you...." His sentence trailed off in a
coughing fit.
GOS: Homo Sapien female of Asian origin.
Shan Pu whimpered, tears blurring her vision. "No!" she screamed,
ramming her head up to catch Mu Si in the jaw. The grip on her
relaxed enough for her to throw herself back down on her feet and toss
Mu Si over her back.
KNIGHT: OUCH!
GOS: Doc Tofu is about to get real busy tonight.
Free again, she pounced on Mu Si's stomach and used him as a
springboard to dive into Ranma, who was only now managing to get back
on his feet. She smashed into Ranma, hurtling him back into the door,
causing it to splinter.
GOS: Nice form, excellent technique on the Mousse high dive.
KNIGHT: I give it a seven.
"Shan Pu," Mu Si wheezed.
KNIGHT: Weezy! Get in here!
GOS: They're a-movin' on up!
Shan Pu grabbed Ranma by the shoulders and started slamming him back
into the door. "Fight back!" she screamed, repeating it over and over
every time she thumped him back into the yielding wood.
GOS: I thought the door was splintered.
KNIGHT: After all the times someone told her to use the door...
The door finally broke under the abuse, sending her sprawling atop
Ranma out in the hall. Ranma groaned weakly, his eyes unfocused as
they stared back up at her. She felt him stir beneath her, attempting
to get back up. She grabbed the top of his red, chinese-styled, silk
shirt to lift his head up, pressing her weight down onto him to hamper
his progress.
KNIGHT: GIVE HIM THE CHAIR!
GOS: And here comes The Rock!
"What are you doing with Shampoo, Ranma?" a voice demanded angrily.
GOS [As Shampoo]: We join WWF!
Shan Pu nearly cried in outrage at the stupidity of that remark.
'Nothing,' she thought. 'Nothing is all he ever did with me.' She
balled her free hand in a fist and punched Ranma squarely in the face.
KNIGHT: One punch squared is still one punch.
GOS: Really, you coulda done better than that, Knight...
She heard Akane squeal in surprise. Shan Pu shrieked, punching out
again, this time drawing blood. She went for another strike but a
strong hand snatched her forearm.
GOS: And here comes the ref!
"Stop it, Shan Pu!" Mu Si demanded, yanking her bodily off of her
airen.
KNIGHT: It IS George W. Bush writing this fic! Admit it!
Shan Pu got her footing and pivoted into him, kneeing straight up into
his groin. As Mu Si doubled over in surprise, she grabbed him by the
ears and rammed his head into the hallway wall. She shoved him aside
and spun back to Ranma.
GOS: ...
KNIGHT: ...
GOS [Soprano Voice]: ow...
KNIGHT: I felt that one from here...
Akane knelt over Ranma protectively, glaring up at Shan Pu with
determination. "I won't let you hurt him," Akane said defiantly.
KNIGHT [As Akane]: C'mon Ranma! Tag me in!
Shan Pu paused, clenching her fists tightly. She lowered her head,
trying to think clearly. "Step way, Akane," she said.
"No," Akane shot back.
GOS: After which, Shampoo fell dead in a pool of blood while Akane blew
off the tip of the smoking barrel.
Ranma shifted a little, his wits finally seeming to return to him.
KNIGHT: After a seventeen year abscence...
The dazed martial artist passed a nervous glance between the two.
"Akane?" he whispered in a confused voice.
GOS: No, it's Ed McMahon.
KNIGHT: HEYOOO!
Shan Pu bit her lip, knowing her advantage of surprise was steadily
slipping away. "You no understand," she said softly. "He ruin Shan
Pu life."
KNIGHT: Shan Pu Life, insuring the insane martial artist since 1989.
"Go home, Shampoo," Akane said firmly.
GOS: Is it just me, or is there a recurring theme in this fanfic?
Shan Pu screamed in frustration, charging the youngest Tendou.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Aiya! That be twenty thousand yen! Pay up!
GOS [As Nabiki]: That's my girl!
Her rival hadn't even gotten to her feet before Shan Pu struck Akane with
her shoulder, bowling the girl over. She heard the breath rush out of
Akane's lungs as they hit the floor with her on top.
GOS: So many lemon opportunites, so little time.
KNIGHT: Here, kitty kitty kitty...
Akane twisted beneath her trying to kick at her but Shan Pu elbowed
the Tendou daughter in the gut. Shan Pu quickly pressed her
advantage, latching her hands onto Akane's throat and tightening her
hands. Akane writhed, managing to get a hold on Shan Pu's wrists and
to squeeze painfully into them. Shan Pu gritted her teeth,
unyielding.
GOS: Akane Tendo: Terminated.
"Oh gods, somebody help!" she heard Nabiki cry out from behind her.
Shan Pu tightened her hold despite Akane's iron grip on her wrists.
Akane gasped and kicked, unable to gain advantage. The youngest
Tendou's efforts weakened steadily with each passing second.
KNIGHT: Shampoo's been taking the Amy Fisher correspondence course.
GOS: Hey! Joey Buttafuco over heah!
Shan Pu flew away from Akane with surprising force, cracking the wall
that her back met. Her wrists screamed in agony, Akane's grip and the
unexpected attack having likely snapped them both as she couldn't move
her hands anymore. She glanced up to see Ranma hovering over her, his
eyes blazing into her with unmistakable hatred.
GOS: Ranma's back, and he's pissed off!
"Don't you ever," Ranma began, punching out. The first blow cracked
her nose and sent her reeling back into the wall. "Touch Akane," he
continued. The second strike struck her high in the center of the
chest. Shan Pu wasn't sure what it was that broke but it suddenly
hurt to breathe. "Again!" Ranma finished. Shan Pu vaguely felt the
last blow to her temple.
KNIGHT: Seriously, If I was Ranma, I would have done worse.
GOS: You have Shampoo going to extremes, so let's see Ranma do it, too.
KNIGHT: Just our opinion. Now, back to the stupid jokes!
For some strange reason, she felt like smiling as she let herself
slide down the wall.
GOS: Dain bramage will do that to you...
*****
Akane choked, rolling over onto her stomach. She dimly heard Ranma
saying something far off, her senses seemingly detached after her near
brush with death at Shampoo's hands. She looked up towards the noise,
witnessing Ranma land a blow to Shampoo's temple. She stared at the
scene as if watching a movie, not fully understanding why Shampoo was
slipping towards the floor with a smile on the Amazon's bloodied face.
GOS: Shampoo the masochist.
"You son of a bitch!" a voice yelled distantly. Mousse stepped into
view, shoving Ranma aside. Mousse quickly leaned over the fallen
warrior, caressing Shampoo's bloodied face.
"What?" Ranma said detached.
KNIGHT [As Mousse]: I said "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
GOS [As Ranma]: Oh. Okay.
Mousse leaned his cheek close to the fallen girl. He sighed, "She's
still breathing." He relaxed a little before firing a burning gaze at
Ranma. "Go get help, Ranma. I doubt the damage done here will be
easily fixed."
KNIGHT: A little paint and bondo oughtta do the trick, really.
"She tried to kill me," Ranma balked. "She tried to kill Akane!"
"And you have no clue why," Mousse shot back angrily. "She can't go
home, Ranma. Not without losing her honor entirely. And as you can
clearly see, she's willing to die to regain her honor."
GOS: You sure Shampoo wasn't in the Marine Corps once?
"Your people have a sick sense of honor," Ranma scoffed. "Murder is
not honorable."
BOTH: MESSAGE!
"I didn't say Amazon society is perfect!" Mousse snapped. "But it's
all she knows. It's her home, her life. And you took that away from
her in a day. Wake up, Ranma, and take a look at this from her side
for a change. How would you feel if you were uprooted from everything
you knew because somebody had destroyed your integrity?"
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: I was on the road with Genma Saotome for ten years,
what do you think?
GOS [As Mousse]: Good point, and well made.
"Get out!" Ranma growled through gritted teeth.
Mousse snarled back, "I would but I'm scared to move her." Mousse
shot a stern gaze at Akane. "Akane? You think you could find it in
your heart to call for help?"
"I'll go get help," Ranma stated before she could answer. Ranma
walked off slowly, his footsteps sounding heavily as he descended the
stairs.
KNIGHT: Gos, you hear that?
GOS: Hear what?
KNIGHT: I don't know, but it sounds heavily...
Akane scooted over to Mousse, peering at Shampoo's injuries. She
tried to speak, but only managed a ragged wheeze. She swallowed, the
act drawing tears to her eyes from the pain. "Do you think ... she'll
be all right?" she managed weakly.
GOS: A few years in an institute, some nice electroshock therapy, yeah,
she'll be good as new.
Mousse nodded, closing his eyes. "I hope so."
*****
Shan Pu sat in a bench, her bandaged wrists in her lap as she stared
at the fountain. It had been four days since the incident at the dojo
and surprisingly nobody had showed up at the hospital or the cafe to
arrest her. Not that going to jail scared her in the slightest. Shan
Pu didn't care what happened to her anymore. She knew she was never
going home.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: Shampoo hope they feed hamster...
Mu Si had told her upon her release from the hospital two days ago
that the story that had been given was that she had fallen badly when
trying to enter the Tendou residence through the window. Ranma had
then moved her out into the hallway and in a misunderstanding had been
clobbered through the door by Akane, thus resulting in all the wounds
Ranma had received. As this started to become more of a family issue,
no more questions were asked. Misunderstandings between Ranma and
Akane were commonplace.
GOS: Only on camera, man. Only on camera...
KNIGHT: Can't wait for that tell-all book to be finished...
The damage was not as bad as she thought it had been upon losing
consciousness. Both of her forearms were fractured just below the
wrists and her nose had been broken, but other than that she was
unharmed. It hurt to breath sometimes, Ranma having bruised her
sternum, but it was nothing that needed bandaging. She was released
with casts covering her forearms with a gentle reprimand from the
doctor to be more careful next time.
GOS [As Doctor Who]: Now, take care next time you try for a double
murder.
Shan Pu sighed. She hadn't seen Ranma or Akane since the incident but
she understood that both still had visible bruises from her attack.
Shan Pu shook her head slowly, thinking about Mu Si. Other than
biting his tongue and getting his nose flattened into a wall, her
would-be lover was in perfect health. She knew deep down that it was
good that he had been there, despite the punishment he had gotten from
her. She hadn't been thinking clearly. She realized now that killing
Ranma, though regaining her honor and enabling her to go back home,
would only haunt her for the rest of her life as much as the thought
of having attempted it.
KNIGHT: As such, Shampoo never did cocaine again.
"Shampoo?" a voice asked from behind her, a voice she knew all too
well.
GOS [As Shampoo]: Yes, Satan?
She stiffened at his voice, really not wanting to talk to him now.
"You here to marry?" she asked, not looking back to him.
"No," he answered firmly.
GOS: Um, Ranma, you're here to see Shampoo. Miss Firmly can wait.
KNIGHT: ...
"Go way, Ranma," Shan Pu stated. "Shan Pu have no use for you."
"Shampoo, I want to be friends," Ranma stated with feigned calm.
BOTH [Coughing]: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
"Friends not get Shan Pu home with honor," she said stiffly.
KNIGHT [As Shampoo]: That last time Shampoo listen to Jennifer Aniston.
"And murder does?" Ranma retorted, the sound of his voice suggesting
that he was walking around the bench.
"Shan Pu realize could not go home that way," she admitted. "Could
not live with self. But Ranma no love so Shan Pu no go home. Shan Pu
have no alternative but accept fate as outcast."
BOTH [Singing]: I'm sorry Miss Jackson! I am for REEAAL!
"I'm sorry," Ranma said softly.
BOTH [Singing]: Never meant to make your daughter cry! I've apologized a
million times!
"Shan Pu sorry too," she said, looking up at him with her eyes
threatening to spill tears. She trembled as she added, "Shan Pu sorry
ever meet you."
"What do you want from me?" Ranma asked in a small voice, shaking his
head a little. "You know I can't change the past. And I don't feel
for you the way I think I'm supposed to if someone loves someone. I
can only offer my friendship."
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: And plane fare back home.
GOS: You can never go home again...
"You take everything Shan Pu have and offer friendship as if
consolation prize," she declared, looking away to the fountain.
KNIGHT: I'm sorry, Shampoo, but you didn't win the money! Gos, tell her
what she's won!
GOS: As thanks for appearing on "Let's Ruin Your Life", Shampoo will
recieve a year's supply of
IAMS cat food and a gift certificate for one free visit to the vet!
"Shan Pu dead to Amazons. As well be dead in life."
"Don't speak such nonsense," Ranma said firmly, placing a hand on her
shoulder. "Cologne hasn't left you. She still thinks there's hope."
GOS: Faith and Charity are on standby, too... [To Knight]: Hey, put the
bat down!
"Don't care," Shan Pu countered, wanting to turn from his touch but not
caring enough to bother.
KNIGHT: That Extra-Strength Prozac kicks ass, don't it?
"Look," Ranma quipped, settling down on his haunches, forcing his face
into her view. "So you can't go home. That doesn't mean your life is
over."
Shan Pu turned her head aside, not wanting to look at him. Words could
not change her predicament.
"Living at the Tendous' this past year has been the first home I've had
in what feels like a long time. But I've lived on the trail, I've
moved from place to place and I know life does go on without a home."
GOS: Sure, and about how you can get engaged to three different women,
how to steal,
how to exchange kids for rice and pickles...
'Yes,' she thought glumly, staring at the sidewalk. 'But those are my
roots. How long can a tree survive without it's roots?'
KNIGHT: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
"I know I held onto a hope that someday I would go back and live with
my mother but I've found that the Tendous' is as much a home to me as
my first home was."
GOS: So much for Social Services...
'But maybe I am seeing this wrong,' she thought, slightly distracted by
his words. 'Maybe home is not the roots so much as the soil in which
my roots draw life from.'
"You can hold onto your hope if you must, but please let yourself find
a home elsewhere until you either can go back or no longer need to."
GOS: The villiagers will feed the hamster, so don't worry.
Shan Pu glanced up, his words having stopped. He was peering at her
intently, waiting for a response. He at least deserved one, even if it
was a lie. "Ranma," Shan Pu spoke, her voice trembling. "Thank you."
GOS [As Ranma]: No problem. Least I can do after you beat the shit outta
me and Akane in an attempt to kill us.
KNIGHT: Ain't he a nice guy?
Ranma nodded, allowing himself a small grin. "Thank you, Shampoo," he
said with a small bow. "It's not everyday that I feel like something I
say makes a difference to anybody."
KNIGHT [As Ranma]: It was that or kick you a new asshole. Akane was
really rooting for the second.
Shan Pu rewarded his words with a half-hearted smile. "You should go
now," she declared.
Ranma sighed and nodded. "Yea, must be off before Akane miraculously
appears and demands to know what I'm doing," he agreed. "I'll see you
sometime."
[POOF!]
GOS [As Akane]: RANMA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Shan Pu listened to his retreating footsteps, not saying a word. She
was thankful for his absence as it gave her time to think.
'Even so, how many times have I seen a flower, replanted, that withered
and died from new soil,' she thought morosely. 'I'll just have to be
patient.' She sighed kicking at the sidewalk errantly. 'Someday...
Ranma will be mine or I won't care any longer. I can only hope that
day will come soon.'
KNIGHT: Two weeks of Prozac, and you won't give a damn anymore. Trust
me.
Different ending... sort of. Actually it's the same ending but actually
giving insight to who's supposed to be narrating the scene anyways --;;
Oh
well. Hope this one passes.
GOS: You smell that, Knight?
KNIGHT: Yep. This fic passed, alright. GAH!
Ciaow
GOS: Later!
[The screen goes blank, and Knight and Gos lean back in their recliners]
KNIGHT: Well, that's this fic well and truly riffed.
GOS: This one was pretty good, actually. Hey, Knight?
KNIGHT: Yeah?
GOS: How about next time we take on something really bad?
KNIGHT: Gos, if you wanna put yourself thru that, go right ahead. I'll
see if
Megane 6.7 has some room on the Satellite of Love.
GOS: On second thought...
KNIGHT: That's it for now. Until next time!
This MST was done with Tom Keehn's blessing. The fanfic was his, and he
can have it. ^_^
Knight Writer
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