Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............................
I figure that, since it's been a year since I started this one up,
a repost wouldn't be completely out of line. I'd say this story
has a potential lifespan of 5-6 chapters. Of course, some may
know that my definiton of chapter may vary...
Gotta remind people before part three goes out. The rough
draft is done, and it'll be a couple of days in polishing before
it gets released.
Besides: hype. Gotta have the hype. ^_-
Parts one and two are available at the Lost Library of Florestica:
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html
A lot of other things I've written are there, too. Including a
favorite piece called "Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!" Anyone who
doesn't know what that is ought to check it out.
So, the beginning of this little venture...
...
Seeking for a cheap thrill, Mister Ben Oliver and his prereader
Jason Hanks punched into the Self Insertion line, and vanished.
Now, who knows where they may end up...
[&&&Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part One!!!]
"Okay, Jason, we're in."
"You sure? I can't see."
"Pretty sure. We got that telepathic link working, so we can
talk to each other, no matter where we are."
"Great. Can't wait to try this out."
"Now, if I got the factors worked out right, we should be
in THE canon Ranma continuity. I should be taking over Pantyhose
Tarou right now. Yeah, the name's not all that great, but it's
a great tradeoff for the power."
"Who am I in?"
"You should be in Ranma or Ryouga."
"Heh. Cool, if ya got me into Ryouga we could seriously mess
with some heads with this link--'We will kill you Ranma! Because of
you we've seen HELL!' Hah!"
"We should get visual contact in three... two... one-NOW!"
Jason opened one eye.
Ben opened the other.
Sailor Chibimoon screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Jason screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Ben screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAH!"
"AAAAAAAH!"
"AAAA-aaa-aaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAH!"
"AAAAAAAAH!"
"WAAAAAAAAH!"
"AAAAAAAH!"
"GAAAAAAAH!"
Chibiusa gulped in a few breaths. "Ummmm, uhhh--"
Ben was calming down. "Eeeeeh, eh heh..."
Jason was traumatized for life. "#$^@#^@#!! No, this can't be
#$@#^@$ happening. This @#$#$@^ can't be happening. This can't be
^%&#$^@@ happening. This can't be happening! @$^#@#$&#$@@$&^$!!!"
"Whoa," Ben hadn't heard that sort of language in a long
old time.
Sailor Chibimoon fell flat on her face. Okay, it was 1994,
and she had just gotten back to continue her training as a Sailor
Senshi, and to find some friends, and she was in a big festival
with a bunch of people banging on drums, and she was getting ready
to rush in and save Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars from the daimon
that was going to appear in a couple minutes, and she was even
checking how she looked and practicing her introduction pose behind
an unused stand in front of a conveniently-placed full-length mirror
Luna-P had come up with, and had just gotten out her little heart-
wand when these voices started popping up in her head, and one was
cussing worse than a teamster, and, and, and was so freaked out that
she couldn't help but think in a huge, long, run-on sentence, and---
"Uh oh," said Ben in the closed-off, forbidden spaces of
Chibiusa's brain. He laughed nervously. "Did you hear what she
said, Jason?"
"Yeah, I did... @#$%%!!!!"
"What do you think we should do?"
"How in the @#$$$@#$^ should -I- know? You were the one that
was -supposed- to do all the calculations, brain guy!"
"I double-checked them," thought Ben, then his recollections
flashed to a misplaced decimal point on the fifth line, "oops."
"Oops?" whispered back Jason incredulously, trembling with
barely controlled rage. "Oops!? You've stuck us -both- in Chibiusa's
mind and all you have to say is 'oops?!'"
"I'm sorry?" apologized Ben.
"Not even NEARLY 'sorry' enough! Yet."
"Ummmm," Chibiusa voiced aloud, looking up and trying to
figure out who was speaking, "who are you guys? And what are you
doing in my head?"
"Nobody, and we were just leaving, right, Ben?"
"..."
"RIGHT, BEN?"
"Uhmmm, let me get back to you on that."
"@#$%%$^%$!!! ...Don't tell me: We're stuck, aren't we?"
"Yup."
"In Chibiusa's head?"
"Yup."
"I'm going to kill you. Slowly, excruciatingly, and in ways
that would make Vlad Tepes vomit. You know that, don't you?"
"Probably. Do you know how to fight inside a head?"
"No, but I'm going to figure it out. Soon."
Sailor Chibimoon sat down and held her head, which was
beginning to ache. "Can you two be quiet, please!"
"Figure it out yet?" Ben quizzed.
"Don't rush me..." Jason replied.
*BZZZZREOOOOOW!!!* An electrical surge wracked Sailor
Chibimoon's body, leaving her sprawling on the ground, twitching.
"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Chibiusa.
"AAAAAAAAH!" agonized Ben.
"GAAAAH!" screamed Jason aloud, suddenly finding himself in
control. He, wearing Chibiusa's body, sat up, looking around
frantically.
"AAAH!" squealed Chibiusa, "I can't feel my body anymore!"
"Well," said Ben, "congratulations, I guess you figured out
how to get in control of the body. Might've been a useful tool if
you ended up in Ryouga, like we planned."
Jason stumbled around for a second, then stood up, still
feeling really quite dazed. "Well, whose fault is THAT?"
"Your balance is off," noted Ben.
"WAAAAH!" whined Chibiusa, shocked and confused. "Someone's
taken over my bod-eeeeeeee!"
"Ah," continued Jason, speaking aloud in ChibiVoice(tm),
"where was I? Yes, I was going to do something vile to you, but I'll
settle for... STRANGLING YOU!!!" He clasped Sailor Chibimoon's hands
around her neck, and started to squeeze.
"No, that'll kill us both!" shouted Ben. "AND Chibiusa!"
"WAAAAH!"
"So-ACK-much the better OOMPH-"
After a moment, Jason let go of Chibimoon's neck, breathing
harshly. "Hey, (pant-pant) that hurts..."
"Didn't feel a thing," admitted Ben.
"Waaaaah!" whined Chibiusa. "They're tryin' to kill meeeee!"
Jason took a few steps around, trying to get used to walking
on Chibimoon's legs. "Whoah." He suddenly tripped on a half-hidden
cable, thudding to the ground, bruising Chibimoon's knees. "Ow..."
"Trippy, huh?" Ben tried to make light of the situation.
"Shut up."
"Gimmee back my bod-eeeee!" whined Chibiusa.
"She wants her body-back body-back body-back," Ben sang to
himself, and to all present.
"Not yet," replied Jason, getting up and beginning to walk
off.
"Say, where are we going?" asked Ben uneasily.
Jason continued his determined march. "I'm going to go throw
us off Tokyo Tower."
"WAAAH!" cried Chibiusa. "They're gonna throw me off Tokyo
Tower! I'm too young to dieeee!!!"
"HEY now, Jason, we're not in the SMSS series. Didn't you
hear Chibiusa here? There aren't going to be any pegasuses, and we
won't have to worry about dream mirrors or the Dead Moon Circus,
or anything, and the girl we're in is somewhere around nine years
old; we won't have to worry about romantic entanglements--and
Setsuna! Setsuna's here. So's Hotaru. Don't do anything rash now.
Killing Chibiusa would upset Hotaru. We don't want that, do we?"
"I don't care," Jason said, then Chibimoon's eyes unfocused
slightly, "Set-su-na?"
"Puu?" thought Chibiusa.
"Mokona? You in here too?" asked Ben.
If Chibiusa could have, she would have blinked. "Who's Mokona?"
Jason's thoughts still centered on one topic. "Hotaru?"
"Who?" Chibiusa was still really quite puzzled. "What's going
on?!"
There was a low, distant humming of an approaching car,
followed quickly by someone calling through a megaphone, "Ah! Ah! Ah!
Test! Test! Test! Check! Ah! Tono Maya-san Tono Maya-san, Tono Maya-
san! If you are here, please show yourself!"
"That sounds like Eudial," Ben noted.
"Tono Maya-san Tono Maya-san, Tono Maya-san! If you are here,
please show yourself!"
*Screech!*BLAM!* "AAAH!"
"A daimon's attacking!" remembered Chibiusa. "Usagi and Rei
are gonna be in trouble. We have to go rescue 'em!"
"Hmm, now what part of the series was this?" considered Ben.
Jason knew. He'd figured it a long time back. "The S series,
just when Chibiusa shows up. The daimon's called 'Soiya,' it has
drums and clubs, and all Chibiusa ever did in that episode is just
make a distraction!!" He reconsidered. "They don't need us." He
began to walk off.
"Come out, Daimon!" the battle continued.
"You're not going to Tokyo Tower, are you?"
"Soiya! Soiya! Soiya! Soiya!" the daimon shouted.
*Ksssssh*BLAAM*PHEOOOW!*
"No, I'm just going off for a stiff drink or five. You coming?"
"I don't drink."
"I'll drink, you can drive us home afterwards."
"No! We have to beat that Daimon! Gimmee my body back!"
*Blam!*Blam*Blam!* "Soiya! Soiya! Soiya! Soiya!"
After so long a wait, Luna-P reverted to its normal kitten
balloon shape. It floated in front of Chibimoon's eyes, stopping
Jason. "Hey. What're -you- looking at?"
Luna-P's eyes flickered out, leaving a heavily-digitized
image of Sailor Pluto. "Small Lady," the Senshi of Time reprimanded
softly, "you are supposed to be distracting that daimon right now."
Both Chibiusa and Ben could tell that their heart rate had
suddenly increased dramatically.
Chibimoon's eyes unfocused. "Yes, Setsuna-sama."
It was difficult to tell due to the poor resolution, but it
looked like Sailor Pluto raised an eyebrow. "Puu," she corrected.
"Yes, Puu," Jason said in a soft ChibiVoice(tm), "would you
like it fried, or extra crispy?"
"Just go out there and distract it, please. Right now."
*SCREEECH!* Tires screeched away.
Jason spun around, thwapped open the stand's curtain, and
ran outside toward the daimon, who had Sailor Mars and Sailor
Moon at its mercy, drums smashed around their waists.
"Now, it's time to beat the drums!" announced Soiya, holding
up a pair of big, long spiked wooden clubs.
"Ummm," said Sailor Moon, looking uneasily at Mars, "when
you mean the drums-"
"Do you mean us?" Mars completed the thought.
"Wait a second, Jason! Do you know how to fight?" asked
Ben as the three-in-one combo rushed at the Daimon's back.
"Uhhh, in theory. Besides, Usagi can do it! How hard can it
be?" thought Jason in reply before he leapt up on Soiya's back and
got it in a headlock. "Grrr. I'm the annoying Sailor Chibi-Moon, and
in the name of Setsuna-sama, I'll snap yer neck!!!"
"WAAAH! You ruined my intro! I was gonna make it SOO neat and
dramatic, but YOU ruined it!" Chibiusa whined.
Soiya stopped, coughed lightly, then put away its clubs and
reached up to grab one of Sailor Chibimoon's arms.
"Chibiusa, are you strong enough to wrestle down a Daimon?"
Ben asked.
"I don't think so," thought Chibiusa quietly.
Soiya peeled Sailor Chibimoon off its neck and held her
in front of its eyes. "Well, what's this?"
Sailors Moon and Mars stared incredulously. "Chibiusa!"
"UUMPH!" Jason tried to kick as hard as he could at the Daimon,
spitting curses that could peel paint and kill small animals.
"Setsuna-sama wants you dead, SO @#%&@#&%*N' DIE!"
Soiya didn't seem to be that affected. "Hmm, it looks like
I have a new club!" A new drum appeared on its back, which rushed
high into the sky, and split into a dozen copies, which flew down
and arranged themselves around the daimon. Soiya gripped Sailor
Chibimoon by the ankles.
"Uh oh," noted Ben.
"Heh heh heh," Soiya laughed evilly and raised Sailor
Chibimoon up high.
*A-whamp-bah-ba-loo-bop-awhamp-bam-boo!*SMASH!* Soiya smashed
Chibimoon around wildly, smacking the girl's head hard against the
drums, and finally smashed her -through- one. She went flying a few
yards and hit her head hard against a rock.
*BZREOW!* An electrical short went through the girl's body.
Chibiusa sat up and rubbed her head. An inch-high lump rose
out of it. "Owww," she said, then paused and jumped up in joy. "I'm
in control again! WAAAAI!" She took up a fighting stance and looked
at the daimon. "Now I got you!"
While this happened, Sailor Mars pulled the drum off of Sailor
Moon, and the blonde did the same for her friend. Sailor Moon turned
and looked between Chibimoon and Soiya. "Uh, Mars, Chibiusa is back."
Mars was flabbergasted. "She's a Sailor Senshi."
Sailor Moon continued to stare. "And she's screaming
obscenities."
"Jason, are you still there?" Ben asked, but got no response.
"Jason?"
Sailor Chibimoon whipped her patented Pink Sugar Heart Wand(tm)
and held it aloft. "Pink Shugaaaah," she began and spun around once,
"Heaaaaaaart Attackuuu!" She stopped and skidded to a halt on her
bruised knees. "Ow-ow!"
*Dadadada* A couple music-box notes played and the wand's big
heart started to glow, but it faded out a second later. Chibimoon
held the wand up for a second longer, but nothing happened.
The daimon just sort of watched in amusement. "Well, what
happened?
*Dadadadaaddadadada* The music box notes started up again,
and a stream of pink hearts shot out, falling just barely short of
their target.
A giant sweatdrop appeared on the left side of Sailor
Chibimoon's forehead, and gradually began to work its way down her
face. The heartstream continued on.
"Uhh, it didn't work," Chibiusa thought.
"Get closer," whispered Ben.
"I know, I know," Chibiusa whispered back. She shuffled
closer, little by little, until her shots finally connected.
"OW!" shouted the daimon.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping!* The stream of pink hearts blasted
against Soiya's face. The force of the assault surprised it,
knocking it over.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping!* The hearts continued striking,
now against the daimon's bent-over rump.
"I'm winning!" thought Chibiusa.
"Keep it steady," Ben cautioned. This was happening slightly
different he remembered, but it was close enough to make a tactical
guess. "It's going to try to dodge."
And dodge it did! Soiya put a hand up, blocking the hearts,
and leapt over behind the little girl, and, faster than she could
respond, the daimon swept her feet out from under her.
*CRACK!* Sailor Chibimoon fell down and hit her head against
a big rock. The Pink Heart Wand(tm) shut off.
*BZREOW!*
"OW!" Ben sat up, holding Chibimoon's head. He paused.
"Jason? Chibiusa?" No response. Sailor Chibimoon frowned. "Hoo-boy-
Hey!" With the aid of some sort of survival instinct, he rolled out
of the way of a spiked club, which smashed down where he'd been.
"You know, she's doing pretty good," noted Sailor Mars.
Sailor Chibimoon rolled out of the way of another club-
strike, then got picked up by the collar.
"You're awfully stubborn," Soiya said.
Ben flailed around, swinging Chibimoon's arms wildly.
*Phoonk!* Somehow, he managed to jam the Pink Sugar Heart
Wand into Soiya's mouth.
Ben and Soiya were silent for a second. Ben looked at the
wand's handle, then back up at the drum-daimon, then brightened up
and guessed, "Pink Sugar Heart Attack?"
Soiya was about to reach up and pull the want out of its mouth,
but then the famous music-box noises kicked up again. Soiya's eyes
bulged.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-pingping-ping!* The Wand fired up inside
the daimon's mouth. The weird warped beast fell down, twitching,
the equivalent of a magical machinegun slapping through its soft
palate and up against its version of a brain.
Sailor Chibimoon backed off a few steps, Ben starting to
feel a little proud of his handywork. "Yeah!"
Soiya rolled around, pink sparks enveloping its head. Its
skull was visible every few seconds from the force of the inner
pulse.
The daimon flailed around for nearly a minute more, dying
slowly and painfully, then shouted, "RUUVVREEEY!" through its jammed
mouth, and finally went limp.
*Vrrow-row* Soiya's image flickered out, and a drum set
fell down in its place, along with the Pink Sugar Heart Wand-thingy.
A white, ribbed egg squeezed out of of the drum set, fell on
the ground, and split open.
*Skreeow* A black shadow came out of the egg, and vanished.
Ben blinked. "It looks so much more gruesome in real life..."
He looked down at Chibiusa's body, which he currently controlled.
"And this feels a -lot- weirder that I imagined. Yet strangely
liberating, and drafty, and--"
"Chibiusa-chan!" Sailor Moon drew closer with a demandingly
inquisitive look on her face. "What are you doing here?!"
Sailor Mars also approached, feeling around the girl's
scalp. "And didn't getting your head smashed around so much hurt?"
Ben stared blankly at them, not understanding a word they
were saying. He only winced when Mars poked and prodded the bumps
on Chibiusa's head. "I'm sorry; I don't speak Japanese."
Sailor Moon's jaw dropped. "That sounded like English."
"You must have gotten hit -really- hard back there," Mars
added, her voice full of concern.
Then, the daimon victim, the poor professional drummer girl,
sat up. "Ow, what hit me?"
Ben just laughed and smiled nervously.
^_^
A few minutes later, the head's other two occupants started
waking up.
"Ouwie," Chibiusa stated.
"Mom," Jason began, "I had this weird dream. I dreamt that-"
"It was no dream," Ben affirmed. "You're really stuck with
me in Chibiusa's head."
"Oh, NOOOOOOOOO!!! $@#^#$^@#$#*@&@@@&$^@^#%*&&*(^%*)#@!!!"
*BZZREOW!* Jason was once again in physical control.
"Hey, quit hogging my body!!!" Chibiusa shouted back.
*BZZREOW!* The girl took over.
"Way to go, Chibiusa! You figured it out!" cheered Ben. He
thought that over. "Now, if only -I- could..."
"You planned all this, didn't you?" Jason accused. "DIDN'T
YOU?!"
"Hey!" Usagi complained, shifting Chibiusa around on her
back, "Quit squirming."
"I wanna get up higher!" Chibiusa said aloud, trying to get
a better view of the festival.
"That's weird, I can understand Usagi now," Ben noted. "Maybe
there's some psychic translater in here somewhere."
"You're going to pay for this, Ben. MAN are you gonna pay,"
Jason growled on.
"Would you guys shut up," Chibiusa snapped, aloud as well as
inside, "whoever you are."
"Why'd you have to say something like that, you little menace?"
Usagi suddenly didn't feel like holding her future daughter on her
back anymore.
"Ahhh," Ben contemplated, "one big, happy family!"
"You're gonna get it..."
"Wow, you WERE supposed to end up in Ryouga, weren't you?"
Jason stalked back into the recesses of Chibiusa's mind to
mope, and to plan.
Luna-P floated on by beside them, whirring happily as it went
and the three people inside the little girl's head listened to the
drums and watched the fireworks go off.
And thus it began...
&&&[End Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part One!!!]
Visual effects, Ending credits:
Chibiusa looking over Tokyo from a hilltop, headbanging to the tune
of "Baby, Baby Love," which she listens to with headphones and a
walkman.
BIG THANKS TO:
JASON HANKS
Chibiusa(singing along): Da-da-dah, Baby-Baby Love! (head bobs up
and down, snapping her fingers to the sound of the beat, lips
curled.)
JASON LIAO
Chibiusa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
AND YOU...
Chibiusa(headbangs along to the beat)
FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT ALL. ^_^
Addendums: More thanks go out to:
DB Sommer, for the review of practically everything I've posted
since I got back a year ago! (Who else can say they've done that? ^_^)
Larry Fontenot, for his suggestions on improving the story, and his
generous gift of webspace! (Not to mention tolerating my incessantly
demanding behavior.) ^_^
Did I miss anyone?
Part two will be reposted in another couple of days, and part three's
final draft will be ready a little after that.
Thanks for your patience!
-------------------------------
Benjamin A. Oliver
boredcollective@aol.com
"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
Your humor will adapt to entertain us.
Resistance is and always has been: Futile."
Collective works available at:
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'