I've done so little public C&C lately that I'm in danger of losing my
vicious critic's license. So here's the latest vict-- I mean worthy
recipient:

"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

"Yes, and I think the fever is gone.  Ranma stopped
thrashing around."  Nabiki laughed.  "It's a wonder
he hasn't given Akane a black eye with all the
tossing and turning."

RANMA: Yeah, well, at least I *only* do that when I *am* sick.

AKANE: Who asked you?!

The telephone interrupted them.  Nabiki grabbed it
before the ringing could wake up her sister or her
husband.

NABBY'S HUSBAND: I'm already awake. I'm talking to you, remember?

NABBY: Not what was meant, Kuno-chan.

Genma put his hand on the light switch and looked
over his shoulder at the restaurant.  The grill
gleamed, there wasn't a speck of dust on the floor,
and everything was in its place.  He switched off
the lights and walked over to the telephone.  The
restaurant was bathed in eerie orange lights that
came in from the street, making the room seem even
quieter as he dialed.

I like the scenic description there; gives us a nice sense of the scene.
I'd reword to eliminate the passive verb, though:

...to the telephone.  Eerie orange lights from the street bathed the
restaurant, making the room...

(or something like that)

"But why are you--"

"When Ranma's better, I'll explain it to him and his
wife.  Call me when they're up to company."  Genma

Seems a bit strange to refer to "his wife" when the speaker knows said
wife by name, and the spoken to knows said wife even better than she
does said wife's husband. Not a big deal by any means, but did strike me
as noticeably odd.

Nabiki found herself talking to dead air.  She

KUNO: I am not dead air.

NABBY: Could've fooled me. Ah, ah, just kidding.

"The way he spoke to me just now.  You know how
Uncle Saotome is--always loud and forceful.  Tonight
he sounded almost meek."

"That does not sound like Mr. Saotome at all.  I
cannot think of him and meek in the same sentence.
It does not fit."

NABBY: Try something like "Many people are more meek than...."

(Actually, hasn't he ever seen the "I'm just a cute, innocent panda"
act? Nabsy certainly has.)

Nabiki grinned wickedly.  "Sort of like meek and
Tatewaki Kuno?"

"I thought you said I had improved."  The statement
was accompanied by such a hurt look that Nabiki
immediately repented.

"I'm sorry!  It was just a joke!"  Nabiki started to
rise from her chair but her husband reached out and
grabbed her.  As he did, the expression on his face
changed from hurt to gleeful.

"Got you!"

Not sure how your other readers will react to this bit, but I was a
little disappointed that there *weren't* any genuine hurt feelings here.
Not that this is because I'm a sadistic bastard or anything like that
(my sadism is entirely beside the point here), but at least to me, it's
seeing them learn to deal with things like this that make a relationship
interesting. I don't mind Kuno and Nabzy ending up as a happy couple;
but if you're just going to hand that to them without making them work
at it, you're cheating yourself out of a lot of good story, IMO.

Kasumi smiled at Nodoka, and quietly poked her
father's knee under the table.  He was too absorbed
in his paper to notice.  She poked him again, and he
lowered the paper to look at her curiously.

"Did you want something, Kasumi?"

"Nothing, Father!"  Kasumi's words contradicted her
actions.

Does that last sentence represent one of the character's thoughts?
Otherwise you probably don't need it; we already know both what Kasumi
said and what she did.

By Friday morning Ranma was feeling well enough to
get out of bed, and immediately got into a friendly
argument with Nabiki about sending her and her
husband home.

Again, why "her husband" rather than "Tatewaki"? I can understand doing
it that way in the beginning, to keep people guessing who haven't read
the previous chapters. But by now, the Kuno's certainly out of the bag.

"Your mother was in a hurry to have grandchildren,
because it doesn't look like it will be possible for
her and I to have any more children."

for she and I to
(unless this is Genma's mistake)

Ranma flinched.  His parents were trying to have
another child?  For a moment all he could picture
was what it would be necessary for them to do in
order to have one, and that concept kept him from
speaking.  That was all the opportunity his father
needed to keep talking without interruption.

RANMA: I mean, geez. Sex is just so... icky. *shudder*

AKANE: We haven't been able to have any children either, Mr. Saotome,
for some strange reason. [rolls eyes]

As Ranma spoke he became more and more agitated, and
his voice got louder and louder.  Akane started to
get up, but a gesture from Genma kept her at the
counter.  Instead, Ranma's father came around to his
son, grasped his shoulders, and gave him a rough
shake.

"Then learn!  There isn't a thing that MY son can't
learn!"

A lot of developments in this scene that I was happy to see. A
well-balanced view of Genma, some interpersonal tension between the
characters, and letting us see that Nodoka isn't just being unreasonable
here, that she has understandable motivations for what she did. (Though
I still disagree with the *way* in which she went about it. IMO, Nodoka
is perhaps the most straightforward character in the series. If she
wanted Ranma to have a child, couldn't she just go to him up-front with
all sorts of reasons why family honor absolutely demanded that he do so?
Maybe you can show us a reason why she didn't do that, but at least so
far, I don't see it.)

"All right, but you have to promise something."

"Yeah?"

Akane blushed.  "No teasing.  No 'hammer girl'
cracks.  If you're not going to be serious about
teaching me, then don't bother."

Awwww, what fun is that? :p

BTW, for the upcoming swimming story, you might want to establish a
reason why it's particularly important to Akane that she finally learns
to swim at this time, if you're not in fact working on that already.
Could be something external (the ubiquitous martial arts challenge), or
just some recent change of feeling on her part.

"Let me get this straight.  Nabiki Tendo is married
to Tatewaki Kuno and nobody knew about it?  She
married one of the richest guys we know and didn't
have a huge, fancy wedding?"  Ukyo paused for a
moment, deep in thought.  Then her eyes widened and
she snapped her fingers.  "I've got it!  She's HAS
to be pregnant!"

She HAS
(typo)

"I was so worried!  I thought you resented it
because you didn't go with your parents.  That's the
way it sounded to me when you were talking to your
father today."

IMO, this development is a very interesting conflict between Ranma and
Akane, but you're cutting to the resolution too quickly. It's a little
like seeing the heroes whomp the villain in the same scene in which we
discover what the villain's plot is, or was; there's not as much of a
payoff that way. Just IMO, but I'd suggest putting in an earlier scene
that shows Akane's feelings, her doubts and uncertainties, *before* she
goes about resolving them. (I know you did put in that bit with Ranma
wondering what was wrong with her, but that only gave us a vague,
second-hand speculation on the matter.)

"No, no that's okay!"  Allison laughed at Ranma's
embarrassed look.  I'm going home to get married."

look.  "I'm

"Here's a picture of the two of us," she said, and
handed a photograph to Akane.

"Oh, the two of you are CUTE!"

Ranma looked over Akane's shoulder.  "Yup.  You make
a nice looking couple.  Almost the nicest I've ever
seen."

Suggest you put in some description of the picture so that we can see
for ourselves, so to speak. This makes me feel like I want to go up to
Ranma and Akane and ask "Can *I* see?" :)

"Hey, Tomboy!  Heads up!"  Once more the koosh was

IMO, should be: "Hey, tomboy!
(She's not named "Tomboy"; she *is* a tomboy.)

Akane forced her thoughts away from her irritation
at Ranma, and she glanced over at Shampoo.  The girl
was definitely sound asleep.  That was unusual.
Shampoo normally had the most energy of most of the
people Akane knew, but today she had tired out very
quickly.

SHIRO: Either she's getting the flu, or she's pregnant.

SHAMPS: Both.

Comments are welcome - public, private, or both.

I'll avoid belaboring here points that I've already belabored above. The
only suggestion I'd add is that you might want to work on explaining
less and showing more -- particularly where the characters' feelings are
concerned, as it's often true that we don't understand what we're
feeling well enough to explain it. If it's unclear what sort of thing
I'm talking about here, let me know and I'll see if I can come up with
some specific examples.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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