Hey, C&C! Will miracles never cease? :)

        Akane's thoughts were so wrapped up in a mental whirlwind, that

whirlwind that
(don't need the comma)

Gotcha, will fix!

        The feelings and moments they had shared lately was extremely

lately were extremely
("feelings and moments" is plural)

Fixed.
I suppose I should mention that I never paid much attention in my English 
classes... :)

        Well, there was a possible explanation, but Akane didn't want
to believe it. <What if he is going to leave with Ukyo or Shampoo?> She
didn't even consider Kodachi, virtually 99% assured that Ranma had no

Suggest writing out "ninety-nine percent" and dropping "virtually"
("ninety-nine percent" already makes the point that she's still leaving
room for some doubt -- which rings very true from what we know of
Akane's insecurities, BTW.)

Sounds good, will change!

        Shampoo had a figure guys fantasized about and she was a better
martial artist than Akane, as much as the raven-haired girl was loath to

Suggest: a better martial artist, as much as Akane was
(or)
a better martial artist than Akane, as much as the latter was
(this is Akane's PoV, and I doubt that she'd be thinking about her hair;
besides, in Japan, that description is hardly distinctive ^_^)

(Author whines)But I like the term "raven-haired"! It's just so... so... 
good!
Aw, well, it ain't that big a deal, so I'll change it.

admit. Her skills were closer to the Amazon's than they had been in
awhile, but she didn't really know if she could beat the Chinese girl.

Suggest: but she didn't really know whether she could win in an all-out
fight.
(or something; you're obviously aware of the multiple-she problem in
referring to both Shamps and Akane, but using all these different
references makes it seem like you're talking about a whole bunch of
different people.)

Pronouns are my bane! The suggestion is good, so will change.

        Falling prey to second thoughts however, Ranma decided to

thoughts, however, Ranma
(I think would scan better)

Sounds good to me!

        The rest of the family was aware that Ranma and Akane weren't
speaking to each other, but they just ignored it, figuring it was just
another one of their lovers' quarrels that would end on it's own.

its
("it's" = "it is" or "it was"; you don't put an apostrophe for the
possessive "its", just like you don't put one in "his" or "hers".)

Argh. This is actually one English rule I know, and I still screw it up! 
Thanks for pointin' it out.

        But that didn't stop Soun and Genma from `helping' the process

That first quote mark is a weird non-ASCII character.

That's a wierd side-effect of my word processor(and old Microsoft Works 
program). I use the single quote mark and save as a text file, but when I 
open the text file in notepad, it's replaced with that character. Haven't 
figured out why this happens, and I've been trying to get in the habit of 
doing a search and replace in wordpad to correct these. I guess I forgot to 
do that to this file.

        Awhile ago Ranma wouldn't have cared, but with what he had
experienced with Akane lately, he didn't think it was such a bad idea.
Still, he already had plans, not to mention an image to maintain. "Get
real. Why would I want to be seen in public with  macho chick like her?

with a macho

Will fix.

       <Jerk! Idiot! Stupid!>

RANMA: Yo! Here! Present!

G, You'll be happy to note that, I originally had that as <Baka! Baka! 
Baka!>, but decided to remove the gratutitous Japanese. :) I think I'm 
growing out of that phase...

        She had figured he was going to take off that first night, but
when he was still there in the morning, she began to hope that he had
changed his mind. That's when he had told her that he was just waiting
until the end of the week so he could plan. She tried to press him for
more details, but he clamed up. She then attempted to gauge the thoughts

clammed

And my spellchecker warned me about this...

       "Hasn't everything we been through, everything we've done, mean
anything at all to him!?" she practically yelled into the empty room.

"Hasn't everything... meant
(or)
"Didn't everything... mean
(tense confusion)

AKANE: So I can't tell the difference from a teepee and a wigwam. I'm a 
little upset right now!!!

Will fix it. :)

       "I wasn't very happy before you came, you know," she told him
softly and slowly. "School was hell with Kuno and the pervert horde
attacking me all the time, and the only guy I liked, was in love with my

liked was
(there's no parenthetical insert phrase there, so no need for a comma)

okay, will change.

        The moon was entirely full as it hung in the sea of stars like
a giant pearl above his head. It's luminescent glow provided the enough

Its

Argh. will change.

provided enough

That too!

light for the young martial artist below,  that sought shelter in the

below, who sought
(Ranma's a who, not a that. ^_^  I'm not sure if you need the comma
there or not.)

RANMA: Well, once someone learns of my curse, they sometimes don't think 
so...

I'll change it!

        Up until now, he had just sort of went with the flow, reacting

he had just sort of gone with
("had" changes the tense; "went" would be correct without the "had")

I'll change it to past tense, using "gone"

        Above all, Ranma wanted Akane to be happy, and he didn't really
want to live without her. When Nabiki told him that Akane would be
better off without him, it brought these two ideals into direct

I don't think "ideals" is the right word here. Maybe you meant "ideas"?

Probably. Most of the time I don't know what I mean, anyway! But I don't 
know about this change. Both sound okay, but I think "ideals" sounds just a 
little better. I'll see about it, if some other people make comments.

        Despite telling Shampoo and Kodachi that he had left on a
training trip, they hadn't believed her. After a couple of days,
however, Shampoo finally got the hint. Kodachi was still convinced Akane
was hiding him, but ceased her attacks. Akane figured the two severe
beatings she had administered to the Black Rose played some part in that
decision.

Hm. Not bloody likely, IMO. Beating Kodachi would only strengthen her
desire for revenge. She'd do better just dodging, or maybe dropping some
faux clues to mislead Kodachi out of town.

Probably. Though this is assuming Akane is thinking properly, but she is 
upset and on edge with the way Ranma had left. I think her patience would be 
thinner than normal. I'll do some more thinking on this, however. I feel you 
have a valid point about what it would take to get Kodachi off Akane's back, 
though. Maybe after the first couple of attacks, Akane decides to try 
something different and mislead Kodachi like you've suggested?

        Ukyo was surprisingly understanding. Akane felt the chef had a
few suspicions, but didn't bother to press the youngest Tendo like the
other two girls did.

Suggest:
Ukyo had been surprisingly understanding. She'd had a few suspicions,
Akane felt, but hadn't bothered to press the youngest Tendo like the
other two girls had.

(Too many different references for the same character(s) is something I
find annoying. Stylistic preference, so ignore if you think it reads
better as is.)

Sounds good to my ears! Easy enough change.

        The phone rang as Akane removed her shoes in the foyer and she
caught Kasumi's voice echoing down the hall. "Akane, can you get that?
I'm tied up in the kitchen right now."

AKANE: Okay!

KODACHI: Now... are you going to tell me where I can find my darling
Ranma?

KASUMI: I'm afraid I've told you everything I know. But you can keep me
tied up if you want to.

KODACHI: But so many authors think I'm into S&M; who am I to disagree?

KASUMI: Is that so? Many authors feel I've repressed my own sexuality, and 
am really a wild girl underneath. Shall we experiment?

KODACHI: I would, but this particular author hasn't gotten around to writing 
plotless lesbianism yet.

KASUMI: Oh dear.

       "Hey Akane," came the female voice on the other end. "You don't

"Hey, Akane,"
("Akane" is an address -- identifies who is spoken to -- so it must be
set off by commas.)

I should know that, really I should. Will fix.

        Ranma was more concerned with what she was going to tell her
mercurial fiancee. She had spent the past couple of weeks working out,
trying to clear her mind and organize her thoughts, but she still wasn't
much closer to a solution than she was before she left. Only two
thoughts were still foremost among her conscious and subconscious minds:

Suggest "on" rather than "among" (the latter makes it sound like the
thoughts and the minds are mingling as equals, or something; anyway, "on
one's mind:" is the usual expression)

Sounds good to my ears, and it's an easy minor change.

        However, several minutes passed and the only thing that was
happening, was the continuing buildup of Akane's anxiety. Grimacing, she

Don't need the comma after "happening". You may or may not want to add
one after "passed", though.

I'll remove the one after "happening", and think about the other.

       "But-" The redhead sputtered, not quite sure what to say.

Since "sputtered" is telling you explicitly that the dialog is being
spoken, it's part of the same sentence, and so there should be no caps
on "the". (And nobody ever notices the hair color. :P)

So, you don't ever notice the hair color? :p
I feel it's okay when you're just trying to inform the read who's talking 
and vary your word use, I suppose I could use "pig-tailed girl" instead, if 
it would make you happy. :)

       "Hey, we're both girls here." Akane paused and smirked. "Or are
you suddenly getting a case of feminine modesty, Ranma-chan?"

IIRC, Happosai was the only one that actually ever used that name to
refer to female Ranma. Maybe 'Ranko' instead, which was used as an
alias?

Yeah, that sounds good to me.

        Akane paused in the door to the changing room and smiled
warmly. "Your welcome." The she shut the door and left, while Ranma

"You're
("your XXX" is the XXX that belongs to you. "You're" means "you are".)

Argh. I should know this, too. Will fix.

        As Akane went through Ranma's closet and pulled out a dry set
of clothes, she wondered what to do about her fiance. True, he had
promised to tell her what was going on when he returned, but knowing
him, he might try to wiggle out of it or give a very short explanation.

        She wanted the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth.

AKANE: So help me, Rumiko.

RANMA: Yeah, and we all know you need help. (Ticks off fingers) Cooking, 
martial arts, your figure...

AKANE: Rrrraaannnmmmaaaa!!!

        Akane blinked. "What?" Seeing his head down, Akane quickly used
the opportunity to slip into the opposite side of the furo. Blushing
badly as Ranma's head came up, Akane self-consciously crossed her legs
and folder her arms over her breasts. "Well, what did you say?"

folded

will fix.

       "Being kidnapped and attacked at every turn!' Ranma nearly

Single quote mark there should be a double.

I do believe you're right... Will fix!

        Akane blinked, still perplexed. "Come again?" When he didn't
respond, she kicked his leg. "Tell me!"

RANMA: ...gyaaeeeaaaaeeeeeuuuuaaaa...

AKANE: Oh, come on. I didn't kick your leg *that* hard.

RANMA: ...wasn't my leg...

(wince) Aiyah...

        Silence returned to the small, steamy bathroom, broken only by
the patter of rain outside and the occasional clap of thunder. Akane's
thoughts were almost as chaotic as the thunderstorm outside. On one
hand, she couldn't believe her sister would be actively trying to get
rid of Ranma, but on the other, she really wanted to believe Ranma. She

Suggest: to believe him.
(already talking about Ranma)

Sounds good. Will change.

IMO, she clues into this too easily. Isn't the more natural assumption
that Nabby either (1) said something innocuous that Ranma took the wrong
way, or (2) was trying to take advantage of him for her own purposes and
him leaving town just happened to be part of it.

Yeah, that's what I've been working towards. I want Akane to start getting 
clues, but she still remains overly skeptical, not wanting to believer her 
sister could be that bad. You make a good point, though, and I'll see about 
modifying this scene to make a bit more sense. Your thoughts fit in with 
what I'm trying to do, anyway.

       ("Is Ranma there?")

I'd suggest dropping the quote marks, as this is being remembered by
Akane rather than spoken in the scene. You can still keep the parens for
clarity if you want.

We'll see, though I'll probably end up changing it.

       "Waaaaaauuggghh!" *Slip!* *Thump!* "owww...." The towel went
flying.

Ranma must've been back to Jusenkyo. Looks like he turns into Howard the
Duck now. :)

Heh.

       "Ranma!" Concerned that her fiance had hurt himself, Akane
momentarily forgot the situation and left the bath to kneel beside him,

Suggest not mentioning that she forgot the situation, since the mention
of it seems to indicate that she's aware of it.

Sounds good ta me. I'll change it.

        Ranma punched the side of his head, forcing his jumbled
thoughts to become unjumbled, or at least slightly less jumbled. He
quickly dressed in the clothes Akane had retrieved for him and decided
that going to bed was a very good idea.

RANMA: Besides, my *own* fit just as well. He he he!

Again, I say "Heh."

        In the bathroom, Akane decided to stare at the door some more.

Nice use of "writing in the white space" here -- expressing more by what
isn't said than what is.

Thanks! I'd hoped it what come out like that.

       "Yes," Nabiki replied, then recognized the voice and smiled.
"Tomoe-chan, haven't heard from you in awhile. How are things going?"

       "(Um, not too bad,)" she admitted, but Nabiki could hear a bit
of hesitation in Tomoe's voice.

What are the parentheses for?

Um, because they're neato? ^_^  They probably serve no purpose, so I'll 
remove them.

        Nabiki nodded to herself. They were probably still upset from
the fight before Ranma left.

       "(Nabiki, do really have to do this?)" Tomoe suddenly asked.
"(He doesn't seem that bad of a guy and Akane-)"

guy, and

Will fix.

        Oh, she knew Akane loved Ranma, but Akane also loved Tofu at

Akane had also loved Tofu
(it was before the current moment in narration)

Good potin, will fix.

        Akane had always been an expert in denial, even if she didn't
acknowledge this trait. For the longest time, she tried to deny that she

AKANE: No, I'm not an expert in denial!

RANMA: So you deny your denial?

AKANE: No, I don't!

RANMA: You don't?

AKANE: That's a lie!

Heh.

       "Hello, this is Nekohanten! Can Shampoo take your order?"

        The blue-haired waitress frowned as she listened to the voice
at the other end of the line.

SHAMPOO: You is from Society Against Goofy Unexplained Hair Colors? I
put you on hold now, is okay?

Okay, okay, I know you don't like mentioning hair color in a fic, but this 
one stays, dang it! :p Besides, Amazons could be into different hair 
colors...

       "Here it is, dad," Akane replied, giving him some more streamer

Dad,"
(capitalize when used as a name)

Right, wil fix.

        The Tendo home was now awash in festive holiday decorations, in
preparation for their Christmas party tomorrow. Streamers and wreathes
adorned the walls, and pleasant smells drifted from the kitchen, lifting
Akane's spirit and soothing her somewhat-distraught mind.

Don't think you need the hyphen there. It's not a two-word adjective,
but rather an adjective modified by an adverb. (Usually, if using only
the last word still makes sense and means something along the same
lines, then you don't need a hyphen. "Her distraught mind" differs only
in the degree of distress, whereas "a word adjective" (see my hyphenated
use above) wouldn't make any sense at all.)

Okay, that clears things up a bit. I'll make the change and try to keep this 
mind.

        The reason for her troubled mental state, was that Nabiki had

state was
(don't need a comma there)

I thought I remembered a rule of thumb, that placing a comma where one would 
take a breath was a good idea. Could be wrong, though. Still, this seems 
relatively minor, and I'll change it and see if people complain too much.

       "I need a few things from the market before it closes," Kasumi
explained, mixing something in a pot on the stove. "And I'm afraid I
can't leave these dishes unattended. Would you pick them up for me? The

AKANE: Sure! [walks over]

KASUMI: Akane, what are you doing? Please put my cooking back down on
the stove and go to the store.

AKANE: Oh.

Little did the inhabitants of the Tendo Dojo know, just how close to 
oblivion they had come...

AKANE: Excuse me! (whaps author)

        Ranma had just finished tacking up the rest of the outside
decorations to the house and dojo, when Akane strolled out to the front
gate and stopped. He noted her light blue blouse and dress combo was a
bit light for the season, but it wasn't that cool out at the moment. Her

Try not to repeat "light"; the second could be "thin", or the first some
more specific shade.

Good point. I'll look into it.

        Akane squeaked as Ranma's lips found hers, even as she felt his
hands fumble for the buttons on her blouse. As he shakingly parted the
garment, he glanced down nervously to where her modest bosom was
contained within a plain white brassiere. He gulped as his eyes moved
back up to her face, only to see her face pointed in a different

Suggest: only to see hers pointed
(already talking about a face)

Gotcha.

        The pig-tailed martial artist knew something would have to be
done about Ryoga. While Ranma was reasonably sure that Akari was Ryoga's
love interest now, pig-boy had obviously still retained the desire to
protect Akane, especially from him. Ranma grinned as an idea came to
him; he would just invite Akari to the Christmas dinner! Hopefully that
would keep Ryoga occupied and away from Akane. Maybe he could even
convince Akari to make more aggressive moves on Ryoga, like Akane was
doing to himself...

doing to him....
(only use "himself" if he is both the subject of the clause and also
mentioned some other way; the subject of "Akane was doing" is Akane, not
Ranma.)

Makes sense. Will change.

        As evening approached, guests began to gather at the Tendo
house, invited by the eldest sister. No one protested much about the
Kunos, Ukyo, Shampoo, or Mousse showing up, because they had been
invited.

Instead, people were protesting the fact that they'd been invited. :)

People are gonna protest either way. ^_^

Everyone realized that they would most likely show up anyway,
even if they hadn't been invited. At least this way, the family could

Suggest removing the "even if... invited." It's clear from the context,
and the use of "invited" is repetitious.

Good point. Will change

hope they would act like proper guests.

Only to have their hopes cruelly dashed. :)

Hopes are for crushing. ^_^

        Ranma, especially, wasn't looking forward to this. History had
set plenty of precedent, then when Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo, and Kodachi got

then -> that

Argh. Will fix.

together, Something Bad usually happened to him. Generally, this came in
the form of a drubbing, either from Akane, or the other three girls at
the same time. It wasn't that he minded it when it was directed against
himself, but the girls' fighting tended to spill over to others, and he
didn't want the party spoiled because of that.

Um, actually it doesn't. More like it tends to spill over to him *from*
others. :-)

Hmmm, point. Maybe I could add something to the effect of Ranma not wanting 
the possible fight to wreck the house and decorations?

        Even Kuno was keeping his annoyance factor down, resorting only
to minor boasting and poetry. Apparently, his position next to Akane,
combined with the fact that his sister was out for the moment, was
enough to keep relatively tranquil. And Akari's presence next to her
boyfriend, was keeping Ryoga neutralized.

boyfriend was
(no comma)

Gotcha, will fix.

        Ranma recalled Kasumi mentioning something about Christmas and
miracles, and began to think there was something to it. Maybe he could
have a pleasant night with all his friends after all, he thought to
himself.

        Actually, he should have realized things were going too well.

True, but so obvious that I don't think you need to say it. C'mon,
anytime a character says or thinks that nothing will go wrong, you can
bet your life's savings that something will go wrong.

Probably, but it is fun to say. I'll look it over some more, and see about 
deleting it.

        Ukyo was next, and Ranma eyed the cologne entitled,
"Okonomiyaki Summer," warily. The chef smiled happily when she told him

Can take out both of those commas, since it's not spoken dialog.

Okay, will do.

that she hoped it would remind him of her whenever he wore it. Ranma had
a sneaking suspicion it would.

RANMA: But what's with this inscription? "Always cute,no matter what
you're wearing"?

UKYO: Just trying to show how Rhea-l my feelings are for you.

Heh, knew someone would get the reference. :)

        Akane's gift was a pair of mittens she knit together, just for

she had knitted together,

Past tense, gotcha. Will change.

        Shampoo attached herself to Ranma's arm. "Shampoo have greatest
gift, confirmed with Japanese doctor two weeks ago." She smiled broadly
and patted her tummy. "I finally going to have my Airen's baby! I

to have my airen's baby!
(or if she uses "Airen" as Ranma's name)
to have Airen's baby!

Hmmm, have to decide which way to go, probably the latter.

       "B-b-b-b-b-b-b..." Ranma stuttered, his eyes widening to the
size of saucers. The neural overload and shutdown that followed, left

that followed left

No comma, gotcha.

        However, the first one to get there was a furious okonomiyaki
chef. Her downward spatula slice separated Ranma and Shampoo, then she
froze in indecision, wondering who to attack first. She was angry at
both, but only Kodachi was attacking Shampoo, screaming something about
a "cheap foreigner harlot". With three people attacking Ranma, Ukyo's

"cheap foreign harlot."
(Kodachi generally uses good grammar)

Yes, but the author doesn't. :) Easy fix.

       "Don't worry, Akane," Akane heard her father tell her as he put

Suggest:
"Don't worry," Akane heard
(or)
"Don't worry, Akane," she heard
(Try not to use the names as tags if the characters are also addressing
each other by name, as this gets repetitive, and it's clear from context
anyway)

Gotcha. Will change.

        The Saotome's had left as well, most likely heading back to

Saotomes
(Use ' only for possessives ("This is Saotome's shirt") or contractions
("Saotome's a pervert!"))

Oi, I should know this, too. Will fix.

        Nabiki did feel a momentary pang for Akane, who would be broken
up for quite awhile, but overall it was for the best. She cared about
her younger sister very much, but Ranma was just plain bad news. Nabiki
didn't think so at first, and was actually quite amused to have the

Nabiki hadn't thought so at first,

Past tense fix, will do.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm completely happy with this, but I figured I'd
better post something, so I could get feedback, and I definitely didn't
want to go a year between parts. Also, several people threatened me
about releasing another part.

All in all, I thought this was pretty good. Convincing Ranma that Akane
would be better off if he left struck me as a good deal more believable
than most of the ways that are typically used to get rid of him, and you
had some good dramatic tension running through most of it. I was
skeptical of Nabiki's treatment at first -- it looked like a case of
"villainize a character to give our heroes an adversary" -- but you
managed to give her motivations that were believable.

Thanks, that's what I was aiming for. I don't really like villianizing 
someone, and if I do, I like to give them good reasons. I may have said 
before that I don't totally believe Nabiki is really like this, but it's 
certainly possible. At any rate, it's helping me to learn more about her 
character.

I had no problem with the initial reaction to Shamps' surprise; people
always seem to think the worst of Ranma, and Nabiki backing Shamps' up
gives her pronouncement an air of authority. Though it's gonna be hard
for Shamps to explain why she isn't bulging in a few months.

Classic Shampos thinking, in that she doesn't think ahead (though that's 
true for most of the cast). Instant Nannichuan comes to mind. Still, you'll 
just have to wait to see what's ahead...

I guess the biggest disappointment was at the very end. That last scene
seemed to say don't worry, because "smart Kasumi" is on the case, and
she'll have this whole mess straightened out soon. Dramatically, I'd
rather see Ranma and Akane sink or swim on their own merits, rather than
having someone else come in and handle the situation.

Yeah, I wasn't real thrilled with this last part, either. The more I thought 
about it, the more I think I should move it up to intersperse within the 
action. That way it's not real noticable. Just a simple "Kasumi picks up the 
folder with some of the dishes", or something like that. Still, "No man is 
an island" as they say, and everyone of us needs help at one point or 
another.

And some people are already yellin' at me for the cliffhanger ending and 
what I did to them. :)

Hey, at least I got it out before Gary's next HaM release! ^_^
(Anxiously awaiting for the next part, G!)

A ha! Think you can get me to C&C you by mentioning my fic, eh? Nah,
that would never work. ^_^;;;

Of course not, what made you think that? ;)

Seriously, thanks for the encouragement. It is being worked on, and I'll
try to get it out as soon as possible.

Looking forward to it. Thanks for the C&C!

Kaiphantom
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000



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