In a message dated 5/10/02 11:35:35 AM, Bert.Miller@unisys.com writes:

Some really nice aspects to this chapter, especially some

of the descriptions of things Juraian.

Thanks.

And the plot is appropriately advanced.

Not as much as some people would like. I'm sure there's somebody out there 
going. "No! Where's the breastamisses? Where's the blood and guts?"

My answer? "Wait for it."

To the people who were waiting for this (and I mean both of 
you) Thanks for your paitence.

heh.  No, I suspect you have more readers than that.  There's
probably at least ten readers who've read and enjoyed your
story for every one who emailed you about it.

Well that makes me feel a bit better. Oh, and for the record, I accept both 
public and private C&C.

Hopefully this will undo the effect the last fic I posted had 
on the psyche of fandom.

Didn't read "No Going Back" yet.  For me, SM fanfic is lower
priority than other series.

There's several versions floating around right now.

Disclaimer: The Moldiver Anime is owned by Pioneer and 
copyrighted by them. 

Forgot the credits for Tenchi

Whoops!

"If you think I'm going to let a damn ape dictate terms to 
me," the woman snarled. "Mihoshi!"

Given that Kiyone herself can pass for an Earth human, that
strikes me as an odd epithet to throw.  Suggest "caveman",
"primitive", or something similar.

Just because she can pass for human doesn't mean she is. We don't know what 
Kiyone's people evolved from.

startled to see Mihoshi get back to her feet without using
her arms, seemingly flowing into the position and then she
started forward.

Interesting visualization.  Given what we learn later in this
chapter, it seems compelling; on first reading, though, it
just seemed odd.  Suggest adding something to emphasize its
strangeness:  "...Mihoshi flow back into an upright position
without using her arms, almost as if she were part cat.  Then
she started forward again, apparently unaffected by the
impact she'd suffered."

Hmmm. The fact that she gets to her feet almost immeditly makes the 
"apparently unaffected" a given, at least to me.

I like the rest of it though.
 

"Enough!" rang out another woman's voice as a glowing
barrier sprang up between Mihoshi and Moldiver. "Call
off your dog, Captain Mabiki. Your prejudices have run
away with your good sense."

On first reading, I thought this was Aeka speaking.  Other
than calling Mihoshi "your dog", which you explained later,
this seemed about right for her.  Given that we later find
this voice to be Tsunami, suggest some rephrase; it doesn't
seem to me that we should ever mistake Aeka's voice for
Tsunami's.  Something like:

"Please stop!" rang out another woman's pleading voice
as a glowing barrier sprang up....  "Please ask Mihoshi
to stop, Captain Mabiki.  One might think you were being...
less than professional."

Captain Jeffords almost swore he could hear a hint of
mischief in that last innocent statement.

Hmm. My take on it is that Sasami grew up on Earth. Her role models would be 
the overly formal Ayeka and the much more relaxed foul mouthed Ryoko. That 
influence would have come with her when she merged with Tsunami. So Tsunami 
would speak like that and swear.

Growing up, Jeffords had been a fan of science fiction.

His bookshelves had groaned under the weight of the works
of Asimov, Heinlen, Bova, Clarke, Robinson, Weber and others.

sp) Heinlein

Meaningless Aside:  Bova's in this group, but neither Benford,
Brin, nor Bear?  And is that Kim Stanley or Spider?  

I knew I was missing a few.

And for the record. It's spider. One of the coolest writers anywhere.

Also, all of these are, I think, present or past writers,

but this is set in approx 2048.  Suggest adding two unknown,

non-North American names to the end for verisimilitude:
"Robinson, Weber, Tsu Lee, Chandragupta Rao, and others."

(This was a standard technique for original Star Trek.)

Otherwise your Captain Jeffords isn't a fan of S-F, he's a
fan of antique S-F.  Rather like saying that a contemporary
character's shelves are full of Gernsback, Leinster, and Verne
without mentioning anyone later.

Hmmm...

He felt as though he was in an indoor garden. A stream ran 
along each side of the path and vines topped the walls where
they met the ceiling, which seemed to glow with a soft light.
The air smelled sweet, and pure.

Nice.

Thank you

Finally, the hall opened out into a huge garden. A
waterfall flowed down the right side wall into a stream
which flowed across the room and into the opposite wall.
On the other side of the stream, in the center of the
room was a raised dais, and upon it was the largest tree
Jeffords had ever seen in his life, dwarfing even the
legendary sequoia redwoods of California. At the base 
of the dais was a small table and standing next to it
was a woman dressed in a blue and scarlet Japanese
hakama. Her blue hair was tied back and a slight smile
graced her lips. Jeffords felt his stomach clench. She 
was impossibly beautiful.

And that last line, of course, tells us who this is.

And provides some foreshadowing.

Overall, nice description of the usual Juraian ship
decoration.  Not quite sure why the hakama, though;
Tsunami's usual garb is a full kimono.  If she's wearing
a hakama below the waist, what is whe wearing above?

I was under the impression it was some kind suit/robe.

"Captain Jeffords, Ms Or-excuse me, Moldiver, welcome
aboard the Tsunami.  Please, come join me." The woman's
voice was soft and musical.

Apparently Jeffords missed Tsunami's slip here, if he
was so uncertain later about Moldiver.  While this
doesn't tell the quick-witted overhearer who Moldiver is,
this SHOULD have told Jeffords that Tsunami, and hence
(a reasonable deduction) Mr. Misaki, _do_ know.  In fact,
it would be reasonable to conclude that that was the reason
for Tsunami to make such a slip.

He's also got a lot on his mind. Or this might be a deliberate omission on my 
part.

BTW, we have potential name confusion over "Misaki" (I
ealized as I wrote the above, thus the "Mr.".
Apparently you have some plan for this, given that you
didn't provide the names of Azusa's wives below.

A plan of sorts, yes.

The woman laughed. "And how long did your politicians
take to come up with that greeting?" She picked up the
thermos and poured some coffee into a cup. 

"A whole month," Jeffords admitted after a moment.

"Only a month?" She seemed surprised. "For humans, that's 
very quick."

Note to self: Change humans to Terrans.

You portray the Juraian court as extremely formal below;
why would it take Jurai any less time?

Formal in some respects, yes.

Besides, I like to take a swipe at politicans every now and then.

"Yes. Both of Former Emperor Azusa's wives were from Earth. 

??? Is this contradiction of what the OAVs strongly imply
(that Aeka's and Sasami's mother Misaki is native Juraian)
really necessary?  If so, no problemo; do what you have to.

Nah. Just my understanding of the series. I'll change it. I honestly thought 
Misaki was a Terran, given that her name and Tenchi's last name are the same.

Cabbits, you see, can transform themselves into spaceships 
many times larger then the form you see before you. In that
form, they have access to massive energy reserves, and
powerful weapons."

"You speak as though there's more then one now."

"In a manner of speaking," Tsunami said as the images 
vanished. "Three years ago, as Terrans measure time, Clay
obtained a sample of Ryo-Oki's DNA at the request of Lord
Daroyn on behalf of the King of the Thaniean Empire."

This is a pretty good sketch of the threat they face.
(To be strictly canonical, I believe Ryou-ou-ki isn't a
a threat to Jurai without access to Ryouko's gems, but
what's a detail between friends?) 

True enough.

Tsunami got to her feet, staring at the wall. "Damn! We were 

Tsunami saying "damn"?  I'm at first tempted to say something
about the years changing her, but why would a mere fifty or
so years change Tsunami's personality?  Suggests something
darker at work; perhaps a virus or other negative influence
at work on Tsunami the tree?

Or Ryoko's infulence.

into the deck plates repeatedly. He fell still after about 
the twentieth time, but Moldiver continued to beat his head
against the floor for a good two minutes before finally
stopping and falling into a sitting position on 
the deck, breathing hard.

I'd have thought Mirai would think of more effective tactics
here, like ripping the creature's arms and legs off.

As dark as Mirai is, it doesn't seem like something she'd do.

Pretty good fight scene, though.

Mmmm. I keep thinking it's missing something.

"She was one, wasn't she?" Moldiver burst out. "Mihoshi."

"Yes," Tsunami said. "We restored her as best we could, but 

Ewww... so now we understand what caused Mihoshi's change.

Congrats; very scary.

::Bows:: Thank you, thank you.

was cut off by a murderous glare from Tsunami.

Again, seems OOC for Tsunami.  If you have a yet-to-
be-revealed reason, fine.

Nah. No unrevealed reasons.

Jeffords gave it some thought. "Haven't had to yet. I'm a sailor,
Ms Moldiver, my love is the sea, in whatever form she takes. 
Water or space, I'm comfortable in both."

We can tell he's an old salt...  (Seriously, perhaps a little
too stereotypical here.  Suggest counteract by having him
say something very un-stereotypical elsewhere.)

But old salts are fun.

"It's not selfish to love. But only if Misaki loves you 
back." Outwardly, Jeffords was calm. Inside, he was seething.
If Moldiver had forced her way on board just to live out some
crazy-ass fantasy of being with Earth's first Xenonaut,
then she was about to learn just why he had been 
selected to command this mission.

So this Jeffords completely missed Tsunami's slip...
and can't give Moldiver, whom he knows to have been an
active superhero for three years, any respect, despite
what's she's earned from him on the trip out?

I'm not getting a very good feel for Jeffords as a character
here.  You seem to be taking a no-nonsense, unimaginative
brass hat approach here, which I don't find very interesting.
It would, for instance, be hard to care if this character
died in chapter 3.  Or lives through the story, for that
matter.  Suggest you tell us a bit more about him.  For
instance, have him respond to Mirai's question with a
quick intake of breath and a shift of the eyes, followed
by a short sad story about the girl he left behind in his
youth.  Maybe make him a bit more observant and a bit
wiser, by having him catch Tsunami's slip and accurately
guess its meaning.

To be honest, and I'm a little surprised it hasn't happened to "War" yet, the 
latest version of "No Going Back" got ripped to shreds for being an SI or 
rather, a fic with an Author Avatar when it in fact it is and has neither.

I suppose I'm a bit leery of characterizing Jeffords or any other of the new 
characters so much that the same thing happens here. I'll work on it.

"Wait. The sun..."

She stopped. "What about it?"

"You were inside it. What did you see?"

She turned and looked at him for a moment before replying.
"Eternity."

Certainly intriguing; perhaps the single best hook in

this chapter.

Not really a hook. I have no current plans to return to it.

"The Koyabashi Maru," Tsunami replied. "Silly I know, but her 
builder liked the name."

Is that supposed to be "Kobayashi Maru", a reference to
Star Trek II?

Naming a ship "Impossible Scenario" is something I think would appeal to 
Washu's sense of humor.

Washu appeared to be thinking for a moment. "Oh very well. 
You're forgiven."  She did a tiny little skip dance and vanished.

This Washuu not only looks like a twelve-year-old, but
acts like a young girl, too.  You've got my curiousity
aroused; what has happened to her in the intervening
years, to change her behavior so much?

Hmm, she is a bit more immature then she is in the series, isn't she?

Washu, for example, is well over fifteen thousand years old. 

Not sure why not just the OAV's "twenty thousand"; just
making a point about different planet's definitions of
"year"?

Honestly? I couldn't remember if the twenty thousand was her age or her IQ. 
In the end, I went with the IQ and was vauge about her age.

minutes. "Part of me was left behind  when I went to Sol and 
I'm not quite myself without her. To be this close..."

Did you show us Tsunami merging back into Sasami's
?body?  That would have been interesting...

Not yet...but I will.

The throne room was magnificent. Massive wood doors opened 
onto a palatial room, divided in half by a wide creek bridged

with stepping stones. On each side, a vast lake half circle

shaped lake and directly ahead, another half circle dais
rising out of the water. Twin waterfalls emptied into channels 
which spilled down the sides of the dais into the lakes.

Again, nice description.

Thanks, I actually had to sketch the layout on paper before I could describe 
it accurately.

On the dais, a woman who, aside from the difference in
hairstyle, was Tsunami's twin.

Is there some reason to make a point of a different hairstyle?
I'd think this would be more effective if Sasami's physical
body were an exact twin.

I was under the impression that it was.

that the younger man was in fact Misaki. A strangled gasp 
from his right proclaimed that Moldiver had realized it
to. On the dais, Misaki locked eyes with Moldiver, his eyes
widened, and then he smiled slightly and returned his 
attention to them all, his expression becoming blank. 
Moldiver let out a happy sigh and then fell silent.

I liked these reactions.  (sp) That should be "too" at
the end of the second sentence.

Thank you

Rising up from the dais, four steps led to a platform. On 
each side of the platform was a throne. Seated in the one
to Jefford's right, a young woman sat.

Suggest you append "formally erect, her hands carefully
composed in her lap." for better contrast with Ryouko.

Noted.

"The message was disrupted, Your Highness," Tsunami replied. 
Only fragments, as I explained in my report, were received.

Second line above needs to begin with a double quote.

Doh!

Alexander Tarn, Ph.D. and MD." Another bow. "Master Sergeant 

Kleppe, First Sergeant Yonge, and Corporals Sommer and Oliver."

Heh.  All in red shirts? ;)

Gold, actually. ;) Heh.

One thing I really noticed in this chapter about your overall
style:  it seems like it is almost your first resort, when
trying to characterize people, to do so by sparking conflict
between your characters.  While dramatically effective in
small doses, I think you need a bit more variety here.  Do we
need Mirai at loggerheads with her mother; 

Yep.

Kiyone with Earthers;

Seemed about right.

Jeffords momentarily about to ignite at Mirai, Tsunami giving
people cold stares, all in the same story?  

Kidding aside, you're quite right. There are a lot of conflicts. But to me, 
that's what happens when when you put a bunch of new people together. Sparks 
are gonna fly before everyone relaxes and starts the partying.

Suggest that any such conflicts which are not important be
eliminated; if you still need characterization bits, try having
those involved tell short anecdotes about their past.

Something to consider.

But, good read.  Looking forward to more.

Chapter 3 might, might I say, be out by tonight (Friday)

*************
-Steve "Komodo" T.
Goat and Llama crossbreeding is bad.
Trust me on this.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'