KP wrote:

more comments.

And more replies.

with each day, each time he did something to help her or the others

around

him, the vines grew, climbing higher and rooting themselves deeper. They
were small growths, unnoticeable when one looked at them day to day, and
subtle, since even the vines didn't know what they were doing. They did

what

came naturally, just like Kazuki. It all had happened naturally.

KP;  from the first couple episodes, I also assumed she went because she
thought it would be cool.

Perhaps a little, but she did come for him as the primary reason. Sanada was
harsh at times, but not the time to say 'I shunted him into another
dimension? Sucks to be him. I ain't going after him.

 There's also the jealousy thing, his paying

attention to... 'Q'(is that the androids name,

No. "D'. If it was 'Q' things would be even more messed up, given the power
level he possessed. Look at how he messed up Picard's life. :)

 > > Conflicting thoughts and desires surrounded Kazuki. How could one man

produce such deep and opposing reactions within her without even trying?

It

made no sense. No one had elicited such emotions, not from Mitsuki

Sanada.

KP:  had elicited --->  had ever elicited
I think it would add emphasis

Kay,

once

Mitsuki grew up, her mother would like her more since they would have so
much in common and her mother wouldn't be so distant and uncaring, like

she

always was.

KP:  the double edged sword of wishing...

Yep. Ought to do a fic on that... :)

Rara moved back out of Mitsuki's grasp and looked her straight in the

eye.

There was a wry little smile on her face as she said in clipped tones,

she

said, "Actually, I was going to take care of you."

KP;  heh

She did telegraph, but Mitsuki was caught flatfooted.

The instant they made eye contact, Mitsuki understood what had happened.

It

had been a while, but not so long that she could fail to recognize Miss

Ra

standing before her.

"Not... " Mitsuki wheezed out. Never had it been so painful to speak.

KP:  the fury of the righteous is strong.

Cold-cocking someone always hurts. You can level someone three times your
size with one good unsuspecting punch.

Miss Ra's voice dripped thick with an icy venom that made Mitsuki

flinch.

"That bastard, Sanosuke, had us pinned down in his little car and was

going

to rape us. Mitsuki couldn't deal with it, so she let me take over.
Ordinarily I only get to run free when she needs me to act as

spokesperson

for the Rara Army or out in the field. But this was one time she needed

me

outside of uniform."

KP:  nice.

I thought it made sense.

Mitsuki knew she should have been afraid, but couldn't seem to summon

any

fear. In its place there was a self-loathing she never experienced

before.

It was as though every bad thing she had done struck her all at once,

and

then multiplied itself a dozen times. She was in this situation solely
because of her meddling. Deep down inside she had known she setting up

Rara

was wrong, but had done it anyway,

KP;  known she setting --->  known that setting

Just going to drop the 'she'

actually suffered that bastard's slimy grasp, and all because she had

been

deceived by someone she trusted as a friend. Mitsuki deserved to share

in

the suffering she had caused. It was like when she had accidentally sent
Kazuki to the other world. She was not Ayuko. She would not avoid her
responsibilities. She would pay for what she had done, no matter what

nature

the currency Miss Ra wished to extract from her was.

KP:  nicely set-up thoughts, I had wondered where you were going with the
long internal dialogue at the beginning of this part.

Sanada's tied up thoughts, you mean?

A soft sigh of resignation escaped from Miss Ra, though her hand never
ceased in its gentle strokes. "I can't hate you. I know I should. I hate
what you did, but I can't bring myself to hurt you, no matter what

happened.

It's too much like hurting myself, though it's deeper than that. I don't
pretend to understand what's making me feel this way, but I do."

KP:  the turn around of Miss Ra seems  a little too fast, but again, it
could be my lack of knowledge, because I haven't gotten to the part where
Miss Ra became part of the story in Dual.

Nope. It's a side effect of Kazuki's tampering. It's why each girl is
baffled at their behavior. They don't have the ability to maintain any real
level of anger or resentment against another for a real length of time.

Mitsuki said something through her gag. Miss Ra removed it.

KP:  this seems a little rushed.   It's is Mutsuki's POV so we can be

privy

to her attempted talk.  Also, how did Miss Ra, remove the bond,

reluctantly,

quickly, did she fumble at the bonds, straps... etc.  It's more jarring

than

anything with the rest of the details in the piece.  ~_^

Okay. It is very brief. How about this?


Muffled words came from behind Mitsuki's gag. Miss Ra looked at her
confusedly. With only a hint of hesitation, she reached behind Mitsuki's
head and undid the strap which held her gag in place, then removed the
object altogether.

Miss Ra seemed shocked by the admission. "You really mean that, don't

you?

You're not just saying this to save yourself. You were sorry for what

you

did before I came back."

KP:  seemed shocked, how?  Her brow crease, he mouth move silently.  Okay,
I'm being overly critical.  But I think showing more physical descriptions
will make her turn-around a little more believable.

It is a touch on the unbelievable side since it's a hint that Kazuki did
something to them. I think it needs to be there to help Mitsuki S. leap to
the conclusions she does at the end. Think I need more.

Mitsuki's hesitation was met with disapproval as the hold on her nipple
tightened.

KP:  Sanada appears waaayyyy to honest for her own good.

She's got to learn how to play the game.

Miss Ra laughed. Not with the venom of before, but a genuinely amused

one.

Mitsuki felt a peaceful seeing her cousin enjoying herself for the first
time this evening.

KP:  'felt a peaceful seeing' -- is either misssing something or the a is
extra.

'a' is extra. Sometimes when I revise I edit words and don't reread the
remainins sentence close enough

For perhaps the first time since the bathroom incident, Mitsuki thought
about how Rara had reacted. Miss Ra was right. Rara had complied with
anything, neither hand nor voice raised in disapproval. Guiltily, she

said,

"So, you liked it too?"

KP:  do you mean--  'complied with everything'

Whoops. Yep

"Oh yes." Miss Ra held the object out, a small utility knife, and

extended

the blade. "It's called payback."

KP:  ^_^

And now we get to the lemon proper.

"You can't do that!"

KP:  Poor, Sanada.  She forgot herself again.

It's not much fun if they don't screw up from time to time. Also liked
contrasting the two Mitsuki's reactions to their 'performance' on one
another.

Rather than blurting out a "Yes," Mitsuki considered the statement. Miss

Ra

was correct but not entirely so. "I wish he was here also, not in place

of

you, if that doesn't sound too perverted."

KP: she does hold her toongue on occasion~_^

She was earlier in the fic. :)

"Played? Yes. Eaten myself out? No. I'm not that flexible. And it

doesn't

take that long to get me off either."

KP:  lucky woman...

Ask any woman, and you'll learn how lucky us guys have it when it comes to
orgasms. :)

Finished with her speech, Mitsuki allowed her head to sag back on her

bed.

Her neck and tongue were both killing her. The next time it was going to

be

Rara tied down and Mitsuki riding her like a pony.

KP:  ^_^

Mitsuki S.: Okay, Kazuki. You have to help me pick out the saddle I'm going
to use on my cousin. Do you think picking up a matching bridle is too over
the top?

Kazuki: Eep!

be silly. He wants both of us. I bet you that indecisive weenie couldn't
decide which one he wanted, so on some level of his mind he came to the
conclusion that if we liked each other, we'd get along really well and

then

he could have both of us without one getting angry or resentful at the
other."

KP; maybe he wished for them to like each other and things went overboard?
Sheesh, can't women every be happy~_^

Heh.

Happy beyond belief, Rara said, "So now that we've settled things

between

us

and how we feel about Kazuki, all we have left to do is inform him that
we've come to this mutual agreement for a three-way relationship."

KP:   heh.   Isn't she getting ahead of herself?

Persumptuous, but like they said, on some subconscious level, this is what
Kazuki wants.

pretty persuasive method of delivering information. Don't you? He'll

have

to

sit still while we lay down the ground rules. And then afterwards we can
show him examples of what our expectations of him are going to be."

KP: bossy now, ain't she?

A result of the 'gestalt'. She has Miss Ra's confidence and aggression
tempered with her own more passive nature.

"I have the number of the house he's staying at. We'll call and tell him
it's an emergency."

KP: no time like the present.

Kazuki's friend: Hey, phone for you, Kazuki. It's the two Mitsukis. They say
they want you to come home and screw the hell out of them.

Kazuki: I'll never be able to handle both of them at the same time. Hide me!

was always going to be more of a story with lemon in it than a lemon

with

a

little story in it. Hope you enjoyed.

I think the look inside her head, helped my undersstanding and the
believablility of the bondage scene, so leave it.

Well, I was actually referring to the Mitsuki S. accepting she loves Kazuki
and why she's been so hesitent to admit it.

I enjoyed.  Although, I don't know the characters, and didn't care about
them before, even with the little bit of Dual I had seen, you made me.
Which is also the goal of a story, to make the reader care.  So in that
sense, this was wonderful, thanks.

Thanks. Glad you liked it. All the C+C you gave was most helpful. I really
appreciated it.

D.B. Sommer

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