C&C requested, C&C granted. Take it as you will.

This is my first attempt at a fanfic.
It's short, it's pointless but I'll post it anyway.

It's only pointless if you can't find a reason for writing it or expecting
anyone else to read it. I think the reason here is "perspective".

---------------
The Fallen One
By: Silver
---------------

    This is the one who summoned me? This little gnome? I should have
stayed in bed. It can talk? Gross. I'll just ignore it I guess. On this
floor there's a girl, a really angry girl. A pitiful anger though, used
to hide her true emotions from herself, nothing to waste my time on. On
the bottom floor, two girls and two older men. One very scared girl,
hides behind a facade of greed and ice. One depressed, hides behind
cheerfulness. A greedy man without empathy. The other one a wreck, a
shadow of his true self.
    On the roof, misery, self loathing, depression. This bears looking
into.

Okay. Why?

Here's a demon, improperly summoned. You have a good hook -- the demon looks
around the good old Tendo Dojo and sees things as they "really are". Here's
the "perspective". We get to see things from a new point of view. But... why
does the demon think this bears looking into? Why is it interested? This is
the second half of the story. How does the demon see Ranma from his
perspective -- as a kindred spirit?

I step out of the poorly prepared circle and head for the door.

The gnome yells something at me. I destroy it, no traces. I then walk
slowly down the stairs, attracting strange stares from the two young
women. I nod curtly at them, disguising my contempt for their weak
nature. As I pass the men, one of them dares ask me who I am. I would
destroy him but I am no longer in that mood, instead I direct an angry
scowl his way. Weak as he is he cowers under my gaze; I let my eyes
wander across the room, evoking shudders from all present.
    I start walking again, heading for the front door, as I reach it one
of the girls call out. "If you want Ranma, I'll tell you where he is.
For a price." How dare she try to get money out of me? I rip the door
from its hinges and walk out through the opening. When I reach the yard,
I rise from the ground, float up over the roof to land beside a damp
redheaded girl. I lay a hand on her shoulder and she jumps up into a
ready stance.

The description is somewhat bare. Granted, this is a demon. The details of
petty mortal reactions may not seem that significant to him. But to us, the
readers, they are the meat of the story. A more talkative demon would be a
better narrator.

    "I am not here to fight you." I state. It doesn't seem to soothe her
though.
    "What d'ya want?" She seems rather set on fighting.
    "Talk." I answer her. From her incredulous look I guess this isn't a
regular occurrence.
    "Yeah right!" She says, dropping out of her stance. "What'd he do,
engage me to your sister or something?"

Okay -- here the pattern starts to become clear. Ranma -- always being
committed to ridiculous engagements by his father. Bound to other people,
one after another. Without a will of his own... Does this plight sound
familiar to our demon? Maybe this strange boy-girl, alone among mortals, can
truly understand what the life of a demon is really like.

    "I'm Ajin."
    "Saotome Ranma."
    I rise from the roof to leave; before I can the redhead grabs my
wrist.
    "How're ya doin' that?" She asks.
    "It's a gift." I tear loose and glide to the ground.
    "Farewell, until next time." I say and she grunts. I disappear. She
probably didn't even notice.

It's okay to let a first encounter end unresolved like this. But it's not
okay to leave us without any idea where the story may be developing from
here. Ranma seems not just OOC, he seems dead. What's going on inside his
head? Perhaps our demon is able to look in there and give us a peek. Even if
he doesn't really understand what he sees there, we might. Or at least the
demon could observe Ranma's exterior a little more closely, providing us
some clues as to hs interior state.

My criticism so far is that both main characters seem motiveless and
unengaged in the action. Why will they inevitably meet again?

    She's sitting on her futon sullenly, almost as the last time I met
her. Except this time she's beat up, her clothes are torn and bruises
show on her legs and arms.
    "What happened?" I ask and she jumps slightly, she'll get used to
it.
    "Nuthin'." Yeah right.
    "Tell me about this 'nothing'." I move to stand behind her, my hands
on her shoulders.
    "It was just Ryouga, attacking me for no reason."
    "Should I kill him for you?" Tell me and I will.
    "WHAT? NO!" She turns around, surprised.
    "Why not?" I want to.
    "You can't just go around killing people." Her shoulders slump.
    "Yes I can, that's what I do." Maybe I should kill him anyway. She
moves to back away and I take a firmer grip off her shoulders.

Here's a complication. The demon may be here to offer Ranma a chance to act
out a revenge fantasy. Ranma doesn't want that. Or does he? It's good that
you draw attention to this possibility, but again, Ranma seems so lifeless
and beaten down that the possibility doesn't really become a "conflict".
Play it out some more.

    "You're an assassin?"
    "No, I'm a demon." Maybe I shouldn't. Her shoulders slump deeper.
    "There's no such thing." She says.
    "But there is."
    "What do you want with me then? Did pops sell my soul for a pickle
or something?"
    "He has nothing to do with this, and I require nothing from you." Am
I to think that she has been sold often?
    "Yeah right. Everybody wants something from me." I detect bitterness
in her voice, and there should be.

Ah! Here we go.

Expand on this. It's your key scene. We should understand a little better at
its end why the demon gives a damn.

    "You believe what you want to believe. Do you wish that I leave?" I
should go now.
    "I guess so." I'm gone.

    I think this was a good idea. Ever since I started following Red
around things have been quieting down around her. I've had to have the
pink haired girl participate in a couple of accidents and I took out
that loon once but that's it so far. Now I'm just waiting for this
Ryouga person to show up. He needs to be taught a lesson.

Again, good plot direction, but spare on the details. Does the demon enjoy
this process? Does he get a sense of satisfaction out of doing to Ranma's
tormentors what he can't do to his own? And how does Ranma feel about
this -- if word gets back to him>

    "S-SO S-SORRY R-RANMA!" He stammers loudly before scurrying away.
Red only watches him curiously before heading towards Furinkan high once
again.

    "I didn't need your help you know." Red states as I walk up behind
her.

Ranma really has NO emotional reaction to this? He's become as detached from
it all as the demon? Or is it just an undeveloped scene? I think we're ready
to accept the OOC nature of this Ranma, but in order to really believe it,
we need to see more of his mind at work. Even facial expressions would be
helpful.

    "I know." I reply and put my hands on her shoulders. "I had nothing
better to do." She snorts but keeps staring at the sunset.
    "I could take you away from all this you know." I say, and I would
like to.
    "I can't run away." She replies.
    "I could kidnap you." I suspect she's smiling.
    "No you couldn't, they would come after us." Still smiling I think.
    "Not where I'll take you." The smile disappears from her face.
    "I would need to think about it."
    "Yell when you're done." I fade back into the shadows.

Here's the moment of decision. The demon makes the offer; Ranma is all but
ready to accept it. But we have no real idea HOW we got here. Only the story
that tells us that we did in fact get here. I know, I know. "SHOW, don't
TELL." It's the most basic, most irritating piece of writing advice. But it
almost always points you in the right direction.

    Days later I find Red badly beaten inside the dojo. That angry girl
again. I walk up to her and pick her up. I then take her with me up to
the roof before waking her. She opens her eyes and stares at me. I stare
back.
    "Let's go." She whispers weakly.
    "Are you sure?" I need to know.
    "Yeah." I open a portal with a wave of my hand. As I take her
through she changes back. The portal closes behind us. That night,
Nerima burnt to the ground.

---------------

I don't mind the ending. In fact I kind of like it. It suits the story. I
think what other readers may not appreciate is that it answers no questions.
If all your questions are answered, or at least all you NEED to answer your
own questions is given in the body of the story, an abrupt and even an
arbitrary ending isn't a problem.

- "All right, that's it! No more pudding for you!"
Henry, the Phantom Pudding Nazi

Jim Champagne
galathane@hotmail.com


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