--- Michael Noakes <noakes_m@hotmail.com> wrote:

Howdy,

Well, it's been too long since I've contributed anything to the FFMl,
so 
thought I'd try some C&C.  This is a bit random: I'm afraid I don't
think 
I've read the previous chapters... er, sorry? Well, here we go: a
Friday 
night one-beer, one-sea chicken-onigiri critique!

Well, I've tried to make the story easy enough to follow that it
shouldn't matter too much.  It's sort of depressing how many grammar
errors and typos you spotted but I'll survive.

     Ranma raced into my restaurant, letting the door >slam behind

her and 

then vaulted over the counter, >ignoring the few patrons that still 
lingered over their >food.

Just me, but I'd maybe place a period after 'behind her', and start
the next 
with 'She vaulted...'  Just a suggestion, though: forgot to mention
it 
before, but feel free to ignore anything I say.  I'm pretty sure I
don't 
know what I'm talking about half the time, anyway...

     "Ranma, what are you doing," I asked as she >crouched down

beside me.

Dunno, but sounds a bit formal for Ukyou... "Ranma, _what're_ you
doing," 
sounds more dialogue-like to me.

torn off the hinges as a longhaired Chinese girl

Not sure if 'longhaired' is one word or not...

I'm not either, but it got through my spell checker. 

     "Where Ranma?" she demanded in broken Japanese.

You can probably leave out the 'broken Japanese', or at least the
'broken'.  
It's obvious from reading that it's broken.

     Now, I'm not on the best of terms with Ranma all >the time,

bu

     "I am the best," Ranma confidently stated, his >chest swelling

slightly.

Sounds a bit odd.  Maybe either, "I'm the best," (sounds a bit more 
natural), or "Well, I _am_ the best," if he's trying to emphasis it.

hand.  After an almost imperceptible pause, she allowed >the taller

girl to 

pull her from the water.

Aww... he oughta have pulled her in!

That's not really his style, but he thought about it.

     "Maybe I-"  Whatever else Nabiki was going to say >went

unheard when 

a nearby tree exploded, splinters of >wood spraying them and the

upper 

portion of the trunk >narrowly missing the bridge they were standing

on.

Reads a bit odd.  Maybe end after 'exploded', and start a new
sentence, 
'Splinters of wood sprayed them, and the upper portion of the trunk
narrowly 
missed the bridge...'

Oops... gotta take a break!  Just discovered this nifty 'Full Metal
Panic' 
anime, and another epiosde just downloaded.  Back in 22 minutes...

Err... funny how one episode can easily become three.  Anybody ever
wonder 
why anime Japanese women are so, er, healthily voluptuous, as opposed
to the 
average real Japanese woman...?  On second thought, forget I asked;
back to 
the C&C.

This sounds like an anime I'll have to chek out.

     "Ranma!  I kill!"  Holding two outsized bonbori,

     "I guess you can come in," I said, scooping the >small animal

up, 

"you'd better keep out of sight >though.  People don't like animals

in 

places where food >is being prepared."

Probably could pop in a period after 'animal up', starting a new
sentence 
with the dialogue of "You'd better keep..."

Incidentally (and this is a total aside, so feel free to ignore), it 
probably wouldn't be a big deal having a pig around, believe it or
not.  
Aside for the cute factor (good for drawing in the schoolgirls), the 
cleanliness of you average okonomiyaki, ramen, or udon shop I've seen
in 
Japan is often just this side of shocking.  These places would
_never_ pass 
North American health inspector standards... but then again, they're
cheap 
and tasty, so who cares?  I've seen rats zip by in more than one of
my 
favourite eating/drinking holes, so a tamed pig probably wouldn't be
a big 
deal.

Sounds like some places in Mexico.  Ukyou always seemed like a bit of a
perfectioninst to me so I don't think I'll change it.

     "Airen."  Reaching upward, she pulled my head >down until my

lips met 

hers.
     "Whoa!  It wasn't like that when she gave me the >kiss of

death."

Cute, and a nice plot twist... but, er, technically, shouldn't she be

kissing P-chan?  When she kissed Ranma, it was obvious he had
defeated her; 
he kicked the bombori (if I remember, it's been a while), and it
donked her 
in the head and knocked her out.  Here she tripped on a pig; it's not

exactly clear that Ukyou's the cause of her defeat.  Unless, of
course, 
you're planning on using that as a later plot point with which to tie

Shampoo closer to Ryouga, which could work nicely if the curse gets
revealed 
to her....

Shampoo tripped on Ryouga because she didn't see him, so she assumes it
was something Ukyou did.  This will be a plot point later.
 

     "Ukyou wasn't the one that beat you, it was P->chan here,"

Akane said 

sadistically, while patting her >pet lightly on the head.

blush>  Oops.  Guess I spoke too soon.  Er, sorry? ;)

     "Hold it!  I'm not going to let you wreck anymore >of my

restaurant.  

How are you going to pay for what >you've already done?"  Shampoo

abruptly 

relaxed, just >before she would have managed to slip free of my

grasp."

No need for the " at the end of the sentence.

     "Amazons pay back debt," Shampoo explained nodding happily.

Maybe a comma after 'explained'.

     "Don't worry Ukyou, if you want her to stay here >she can,"

Akane 

said calmly and from far too close a >distance for my comfort."

Again I think you can drop the '"'.  And why does Akane's distance
disturb 
her?

Fear.  Akane and Ukyou have a sort of non-relationship going that will
cause problems down the lines.

the Tendos' after school and visit Akane.  I approached >the front

gate, I 

heard voices speaking.

Sounds odd.  Maybe '_As_ I apporached..."

     "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Akane asked.
     "It's worth a try."

Umm, how does Akane know what Ukyou is planning?  And isn't Ryouga
still 
standing right in front of them?

Akane's more concerned because Ryouga's acting like a babbling idiot. 
Ryouga's there (physically), but he's not paying attention.
 

Well, hope this C&C helps a little bit.  An interesting read, despite
the 
fact I haven't read the earlier chapter.

And there you have it: a tuna onigiri, two asahi, three Full Metal
Panic 
C&C!

This will help me a lot with the grammar and phrasing of the chapter. 
Even more importantly C&C is usually the only proof I have that people
are reading my stories.
 

-Mike Noakes
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m

_____________________________________

Kent Hyam

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