Elric Lawry wrote:

        The young boy found himself in a vast expanse of what could 

If he can't see, how does he know he's in a vast expanse?  Maybe he's
he's in a tiny bubble.  

only be

called...  nothing.  A great void, where he stood (floated?) he saw nothing
but blackness.  But dispite the compleat emptiness his surroundings, he
looked about with wonderment.

If that's the opening paragraph, it's a weak one.  Replace "the young
boy" with just "he" or introduce him more completely, so you don't end 
up repeating that same description in the next paragraph.  

Then there's the characterisation issue.  This situation invokes all 
kinds of primal childhood fears like fear of the dark, fear of being 
lost, fear of not solid ground under your feet.  So either the boy 
should be scared, or you should deal with that by explaining how he 
isn't.  

        "Where am I?"  The young boy asked, not expecting an answer, it seemed a
question of reflex.

        The boy felt somthing in his surroundings change, he couldn't put his
finger on what.  But The voice behind him told him all he needed to know.

No, it didn't.  

        "Let me explain..."  Daeore sat as well, placing the sword across his
knees.  "In the year 2000, I discovered somthing magical.  Not an object,
but an event.  I had discovered nine people who were tied together, like
destiny, or Fate."  

I do not believe that he should be giving out this much information at 
this point. He doesn't know who this boy really is or who the boy might
talk to at some future point and he's telling the kid things like the 
fact that most of his magic power is in his girlfriend's earrings?

Is he really that dumb?


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'