Brian Randall wrote:

DB Sommer wrote:

Here's the first half of chapter 9. As usual, this thing has grown on me
with every page I write. Second half is actually done, and I'm sending it

to

prereaders now.

    Now there's something to look forward to. :)

Yep. We'll see if I do chapter 10 next or a different fic first, though.
Haven't even started to write the next one yet

Standard Disclaimer: Various anime characters are owned by their

respective

creators. The super heroes owned by Marvel Comics Company

    ?

    Looks like something got cut off.

an 'are'

    Anyway, feel free to ignore my comments if they don't help you.

Used most of the grammar ones. Most of the errors were actually done by me
post prereaders. Obviously I need to pay more attention to my commas. :)

"No!" What statement was that idiotic robe and devil mask supposed to

make

anyway? Was it red to hide the fact that he bled easily, or was the twit
color-blind? She grit her teeth in annoyance as she rechecked the

monitors

in the cockpit.

    Color-blind... heh.

More right than she knows.

    So it might actually just be "Yo, Shellhead..."

Yeah. That's what it is now.

"Why does he get a 'sama' while I just get a snarl from the tin can?"
Daredevil mumbled to himself as he turned away from the work.

    Akane/Thor: Because you're an idiot?

    Daredevil: Stick says that, too.

Heh. He's not that bad, or at least not worse than the others. He's just a
solitary person by nature.

to Hawkeye. Now the obviously gay archer misinterpreted Daredevil's

interest

as being sexual instead of professional. Oh, on the surface that was what
Hawkeye contended, but Daredevil could feel the archer's body betraying

him

by becoming aroused and knew better.

    Wrong on two counts, or just the one?

One

Still, maybe he would find some hot water and 'accidentally' spill it on
Hawkeye, just in case. It never paid to take chances.

    Heh...

Ukyy ain't going to be happy about it though. :)

identity with a group of strangers. Also having an incoherent partner was

no

way to approach the group and offer to join. Likewise, she was uncertain
they would accept her and Giant Man. They had no reputation, like most of
those assembled, and perhaps they would be cynical about her size,

thinking

her a liability in a fight.

    I thought it was 'superhero'?

yep. My bad.

Now they were comfortably ensconced in the landing gear. She could hear

the

wind howling outside, but still felt safe with all of the armor between

her

and the skies above. The pitch blackness was a problem, but one she could
easily live with. She kept a close hand on her partner as she let the

slow

hum of the vehicle lull her into a relaxed state, eventually falling

asleep

shortly after the quinjet took off despite her excitement at what was to
come.

    If she could easily live with the pitch blackness, why is it a

problem?

Dropped easily.

"No, I'm a Musk. It says so right on my passport." Mint pulled it out and
showed him.

    Bah. REAL villains don't have passports.

Mint: But I'm still new at this, so I should be cut some slack. Just look at
the name and outfit I choose at first.

Keeping the sai pressed against his jaw, Elektra hissed, "As amusing as

it

would be to watch you punch a hole in the side of this plane and the

three

of you get sucked out at four thousand feet, I, unfortunately, would end

up

being ejected as well. Since I have no intention of dying today, I

suggest

you put that sword back where you found it, or they are going to have to
reupholster the seats since I doubt they'll be able to wash out that many
bloodstains."

    I thought sai had rounded ends that weren't sharpened. I only really
remember one being used by Otaru in SMJ, though, and his was probably
'special', so....

Already discussed this in DJ's letter.

"You can call me insane if you think for one moment I'd date with you."

Mint said, "Insane's a pretty unusual name too. Is it because you're
psychotic or something?"

    For some reason, this delivery feels weak. My suggestion would be to
have Mint pause to look at her, or add something to break the flow of
dialogue for a line or so. I don't know why, and I'm probably wrong,

though.

I don't know. It sounded okay to me. I think this time I'll leave it as is.

"Hop skipping a mess?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I said." Elektra nodded her head to make sure

the

big man wouldn't misunderstand her agreement as something else and

continue

making inane misinterpretations.

    Eh? This one goes right over my head.

If she doesn't agree with his misinterpetation, Lime will next say something
like 'Stop stealing some Zest,' or other equally inane phrase. Elektra is
heading it off at the pass by indicating to Lime his guess was correct and
he doesn't need to make anymore.

"Oh," was all Swordsman could manage to say. Even Power Man and Mint were
struck silent. All three went to looking pointedly out the windows of the
plane, silence reigning.

    Shampoo: Better not let them know I made that up to get them to stop
looking at my chest.

Heh

"Of course, Captain-sama," Iron Rose cooed.

"Thanks for sticking up for me," Hawkeye added with a broad smile, and
placed her hand on the Captain's arm as a show of appreciation.

    The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Got to leave some things the same or it'll be too superheroish.

All sorts of warning senses went off in Captain Japan's head. The sort of
attention the Iron Rose had been throwing his way was bad enough, but now
Hawkeye was acting in far too friendly for his comfort. He darted away

from

    acting in far too -- acting far too -- acting in far too friendle a
manner (?)

dropped 'in'. Should be all right now.

Thor scowled, placing her arms under her ample bust. "See here. If thou
wishes to fondle the Goddess of Thunder, it would be in thine best

interest

to do so under more private circumstances."

    ....

    I can't help but think that Thor and the Swordsman were made for
eachother.

I will assure you Thor would vehmently disagree. Swordy's way too full of
himself.  Swordy would agree with you though.

"Sure you're not," Hawkeye said coolly. She was about to make another

acidic

comment when something outside the front of the cockpit window caught her
attention. She turned just in time to see a flash of crimson light emit

from

an ancient stone fortress nestled on the top of a mountain they were
approaching. The beam disappeared under the body of the quinjet, only to
reappear a moment later by lancing through the middle of the floor of the
passenger area and continue on its way through the ceiling and into the

sky

beyond, destroying everything in-between.

    emit -- emitted (?)

I think emit is okay there.

Seeing such heartfelt thanks, Yun-Lo felt as though he had been kicked in
the gut. Not that that it would make him warn the boy about his impending
death. Being kicked in the gut hurt far less than being reduced to a pile

of

ashes.

    I imagine ash doesn't feel much pain.

But it's the whole 'being turned into ash' that he's concerned about.

"Bah!" the Goddess of Thunder snorted. "The next thing thou wilt claim is
that there really are Stone Men from Saturn. All know there are not such
things as beings from outer space."

    Is this another reference?

Already explained in response to DJ's letter. Reference was in the first
chapter, which was posted only three years ago or so, so I can't see anyone
forgetting it. :)

"No, there was too much kinetic energy for that to be a simple laser
weapon," Iron Rose informed the others. "I'm uncertain what kind of

device

it was, but its sophistication is far beyond that of all but the most
technologically advanced of societies or industries."

    A blast of ki?

No. Alien weaponry. The Mandirin has all sorts of goodies from the crashed
alien spaceship he's using. I resisted the obvious 'Ultimo-Giant Robo'
fusion though. :)

In a soft, almost reverent voice, Daredevil said, "Legends say that

dragons

once inhabited this part of the Bayan Han, and that they would move

through

the earth at will. Whenever anyone found tunnels such as these, they

called

them 'Dragon Lines' and would seal them up, lest the dragons came out and
devoured them and all they cherished. The greatest and most powerful

dragon

of all was Fin Fang Foom, and only death awaited those that would dare
disturb him in his lair."

    Fin Fang Foom. Is this you, or from a comic book?

Triple F is pure Marvel. He's part of their pre-superhero line, back when
they would have several monster stories in titles like Tales to Astonish,
Tales of Suspense, Journey into Mystery, etc. A handful of these monsters
and aliens have actually made it into the modern Marvel universe. Most are
like Taboo, the Mud Monster, Groot the Living Tree, the Blip, and Spragg the
Living Hill. The last was easily one of the worst. If my recollection is
correct, it was an alien hill that settled on our planet and was going to
destroy it with other hills from space. Triple F isn't too bad, though. He
and Xemnu the Titan are actually pretty powerful and have caused superhero
many problems over time.

"I seem to have forgotten what it was," Thor said quickly, relieved that
whatever it was she had almost remembered had escaped her, even if there

was

now a swelling upon the top of her head.

    A swelling what?

Swelling of flesh. Most people just say 'swelling' though.

In answer, the first words of "Yappa pan, yappa pan, ish a ten," began
blaring out over her speakers.

    Heh! But I thought the name of that song was 'Ja Ja Uma ni
Sasenaide'. Anyway, should the comma be within the quotation when
there's no comma prefacing it?

You're right. I reworded it so it says 'the words "Yapp..." began blaring
out

"Then go, my Lethal Legion. Bring me these meddlers, or bring me their
heads. Either way, see to it they are brought to me."

    Is it Herb, or another character?

Revealed in the second half.

Sticking his head in the hole, Ryouga called out, "Hello, is there

anybody

in there?"

Only his voice echoed back.

    Mousse probably would still hear it....

Nah. His hearing isn't as good as Supes. :)

"I'll just go in for a quick peak and come right back out," Ryouga said

to

himself as entered the tunnel to try his hand at spelunking.

    Heh!

That line went over pretty well. It surprised me because I didn't think it
that amusing.

I am, even I am reluctant to take on all four of them on my own. So I
believe it would be in our best interest to settle our differences

another

time. Besides, I do believe I see a light coming from the tunnel in front

of

us."

    Four? What's to say there aren't reinforcements?

They are being presumptuous, and they're wrong, since there are two extras
they will have to fight.

    Looking forward to more of this, and it looks like I've got some C&C
to reply to, also....

Got that too. Send me the first half of chapter 11 to C+C and I will.

Thanks a lot for the C+C. Reponses were muted on the first half, so I wasn't
sure how well it was received.

D.B. Sommer

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