"Are there stairs in your house?"
I am protected.
Brian Randall had this to say about Robocop:
Right. Well, let's get to it, as always, feel
free to ignore me if
you want.
Nice.
Thank you. Getting C&C from THE Brian Randall... I
feel special.
Hmm. Who's PoV is that last line from?
Serenity's, I think.
Underlines the point quite well.
Bling.
Hm. 'punchline' seems to impair the flow of the
story just a tad.
You use very refined words for the most part, which
helps underline the
actual events when they happen, and I would suggest
something different
for that word. Perhaps 'most humorous anecdote', or
the like? You can
probably come up with something better than me, it
just offsets the
next bits very well.
Hmm... I don't see it as interfering with the "pompous
academinc narrator"
tone, but I see how it could. Changed to "most
humerous anecdote" because
I can't think of anything better that doesn't involve
the word "Japes".
Japes japes japes.
laid -- lain (Not sure about this one -- judges?)
I always heard it as "laid".
surface if -- surface of
there rifts -- the rifts
D'oh and D'oh again.
'this position' -- does 'this' work? I'm not sure
why, but it feels
jarring.
Changed to "her position".
noone -- no one
Ah, now I get it.
Changed, and get what, might I ask?
Oh, that's always a good sign.
Oh, we can't have nice things.
Repetition: abhorrhent
Darn. But you have to admit, "Abhorrent" is a cool
word.
You might want to transpose the latter two
sentences -- makes it
seem as though you're adressing Delacroix as a
'they'.
Transed and subsequently posed.
Ouch.
Yeah, they kept running into the goalposts.
You might want to move Adrian's intro sentence
(dropping the hand
on Polito's shoulder) to the same paragraph as his
own dialogue.
Eh... I'm iffy on the whole prospect.
This is the scene transition you want to use for
PoV shifts within
the same general scene?
To tell the truth, I hate using "***" in between
scenes. I only think
it should be used when there's a large jump in time or
space from one
segment to another. The rest of the time, people
should just put a bunch
of blank lines.
But apparently I'm the only guy who thinks so.
So this has happened before, then?
Yes indeedy Jim. I'm implying that clowns have come to
Tokyo in the past
to live out their self-insertion fantasies, and
promply were maimed by a
youma.
I mean come on, wouldn't you?
Apparently a lot.
Well, take the number of SM fanboys in the world...
accent, "And -- accent. "And -or- accent, "and
I'll take Door Number 1.
What happened to her attack?
It dissipated when her concentration broke.
holser -- holster
You hoser.
The sphere contracted near its top, as if pressed by
an unseen
stylus. The depression then quickly traced across the
man's body,
outlining his rough shape, with several arcane sigils
overlaid upon
it.
The sphere then, as suddenly as it appeared,
vanished, revealing the
man, clad head-to-toe in masterfully wrought
interlocking metal
plates,
and toting a titanic obsidian axe, at least a meter
long.
The blade of the axe, or the handle?
The handle. the blade is VERY VERY BIG, I need to put
in more detail.
30cm -- thirty centimeters (spell out numbers
less than 100
(according to my HS English teacher, so I'm not sure
about that) and
abreviations in prose can be bad.)
Done.
carefully." he -- carefully," he
[1]
[2]
[3] [4] I declare a thumb war.
Japanese, "That -- Japanese, "that -or- Japanese.
"That
Door #1
ahead -- early (Unless her watch is ahead, in
which case you can
ignore me)
As in "ahead of schedule".
How long has this girl been going to the daycare
center?
It's a dream, it doesn't have to be internally
consistent.
(Oops.)
Crafts," -- Crafts" (though I usally use
single-quotes if it's not
dialogue. But I've been told I'm wrong to do so.)
Yes it is wrong, you bad, bad, bad man. But I changed
it anyway.
and Michiru (I think you can drop that 'and')
She's been taking Setsuna to this daycare center
since she was one
year old?
Uh... yes. Yes, that's the ticket.
Maybe something to denote bolding/italics? It
seems to me that 'a'
and 'the' in young Delacroix's dialogue deserves some
emphasis.
Added asterisks.
mom -- Mom (since it's part of her 'name' I
think).
Done.
GAAH!
I know I've read it before, and I know it's
coming, but something
about the presentation of the entire thing just
_creeps me out_.
YES.
The contrasting between what they've written
is.... I don't know a
word, so I'll have to settle for saying that it's
brilliant.
And I'm still freaked out.
Thank you!
delay, in -- delay; in (I think, but I'm not
really sure....)
I think it's fine as-is.
Why's she working on it still if it's perfect?
Because A: it's creepier that way, B: dreams don't
have to make sense,
and C: Setsuna could wad it into a little ball and
Michiru would call
it "perfect".
I assume the repetition of 'horrify;horrifying'
is intentional?
Not really, but it works enough that I won't change
it.
Aren't we all.... Still.
We can't stop here, this is BAT COUNTRY!
despreately -- desperately
Done.
aroused -- roused (unless the elbow turns her on)
OMG HOT HOT ELBOW ACTION UNF UNF
Uh... yeah, I changed that.
Gah....
What, what'd I do now?
Well, Delacroix certainly seems to cow the senshi
into submission
quite easily.
Answered below...
[1]
I have trouble seeing this. They can't say/do
anything? The man's
proven only that he's largely incapable of doing
serious damage by
himself -- he's got one capable goon, who's just
dropped his weapon
while all of the senshi are theoretically
battle-ready.
And even when they know they have no choice, they
typically don't
let that stop them, do they? Impossible odds, etc. If
this is part of
the alternate continuity, it should probably be
explained beforehand,
so we know WHY they can't do/say anything in the
presence of this guy just
because armor-boy dropped a weapon. (And that
transformation/powerup
scene was cool.) I think this part needs work,
something to explain why
they're so easily cowed.
You're right, it does need work, because I didn't mean
for them to be cowed.
They're stunned, that's all, and Del ran off for his
carcinogens before the
Senshi could snap themselves out of "What the HELL?"
mode. I mean, it IS
unexpected, what with the shooting and the
transforming and then the Canadian
going batshit, and all. I'd be pretty stunned, too.
[2]
*sigh*
Well, you did say it had bad language, but isn't
this just a bit
excessive? As the author, you should know that the
less a word is used,
the more impact it has. I do like it, but the
excessive language does
keep me from enjoying the story as much as I
otherwise would.
You're right, it is excessive. I forgot which audience
I was writing for--
I was in Something Awful mode, not FFML Mode. Will
change.
Overall, despite my comments, I really enjoyed
the story, and the
dream-sequence is a masterpiece. I am in awe. Now if
you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go hide under my blankets and yell "go
away" to anyone who
comes by.
Thanks!
--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it
here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
This reply brought to you by ADMIN5.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Sports - live college hoops coverage
http://sports.yahoo.com/
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'