noirchloe wrote:
Hmmm... C&C YAY!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Cc: "FFML mailing list" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 02, 2002 4:50 AM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma/Multiple Crossover] Enemies of the Crystal State,
chapter 2(part 1/2)
This isn't late. The, um, date on your computer is wrong. Yeah.
That's it.
So. We meet again. But this time.... I reveal that I'm not left
handed. Ha-HA!
^_^ Ah. I admit. You are very good. *smiles* But I know something you
don't know.
I am also not left handed. Ha!
I will raise the ante in a private arena. ;)
Feel free to ignore anything I say that's not useful to you.
Most comments are helpful and therefore useful. Doesn't mean I'll actually
change anything though.^^
I'll snip points I have nothing to add to.
Righty-o.
I think "He's got a nice butt" warants more than just a little
suspicion.
^^ Good point. Changed to --- "After all, he was helping them out. She
knew that Minako had other reasons for being nice to the young man, but that
was no excuse for them to drop their guards."
Nice.
'instant her bowl was mostly finished' sounds a bit awkward.
hmm... you're right. "instant she could no longer stomach her meal."
Sounds a little better. I think.
That sounds better.
the flame (?) to her -- looks like something's missing here.
The flame of anger visible in her cheeks. I really don't know how else it
would be said.
Looked like you dropped a 'that rose' from where I left the (?).
Must not have a wonderful wife? She's casting herself in the role
already, eh?
Minako is a bit dreamy.
She's dreamy, you say? I suppose she might be, if a bit young. ;)
Do you need all those exclamations and questionmarks? :p
*sigh* Okay, maybe 3 is better than 5, but that's my last offer. =p
I'll give you the Trigun/CB video if you drop it to two. ^_^
Usagi appeared to rear up, taking on a regal pose, as if she was about to
impart some world shaking news. "I've never met him," she said, slumping
her shoulders and smiling apologetically.
Vu'jade.
Hope it was amusing.
Very.
I'd like to say repetition of 'lie', but it looks like it's
intentional. Brain... hurting....
Heh. Sorry. It was thrown in to ellicit that effect by my wicked
pre-readers. I won't say which one.
DEEP hurting.
Credible lie?! The girl threw a jumble of explanations out that'll
make the poor boy's head explode if he tries to understand it!
Heh. It is credible. If his head explodes he won't be able to question it,
which is the point. A page from the great Ayame of "Fruits Basket."
You gain much respect with that one.
You start this scene with 'the three travelers', but use 'he and his
companions' later. Might want to indicate Ranma somehow first -- I don't
quite know why, but that feels clumsy.
I think I understand. The pronouns fail to follow directly. Or at least
that the interpretation I get.
I guess. I'm not a great person for technical explanation of why I
feel something doesn't work, usually.
The second sentence of prose seems to contain two completely
unrelated pieces of action. I have no idea what the technical term is.
Bad Grammar?
I take it you don't go onto Usenet much. That was not bad grammar.
Comparatively.
I believe you are right. Worried is the adjective, while worriedly is the
adverb which it is in this instance.
Uh. Yeah! I knew that! Really!
'the fact on what she was speculating about' -- sounds awkward.
Hmm. how's this. "as she didn't hide the object of her speculation."
I think that works.
pattern, whenever -- pattern: Whenever (I think)
Comma, Semi-comma, colon use. My biggest downfall. >__< But I think you
are right.
I think it's an optional change.
"Wait a second, Minako." He reached into a pocket, and retrieved a small
notebook. The small book was flipped open and Ranma scanned through it,
apparently finding what he was looking for.
Hm. Oe Kintaro's influence reaches farther than I had thought.
Heh. Oe is a brilliant man!
Oe is THE man.
'too expensive' -- sounds too severe for him to still advocate its
purchase..
"overprice" works better, yes?
Er... you mean 'overpriced'? ^_^;;
Right.
Will get to that next....
Thanks again. ^_^
Sorry about the delay!