Subject: [FFML] Re: [IY][fic] His Will
From: Quicksilver
Date: 3/10/2002, 4:15 PM
To: FFML@anifics.com



--- Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> wrote:
Quicksilver <mbsilvana@yahoo.com> wrote:

Quicksilver�s Quill Offers:
His Will

I-Y: I, Inu-Yasha, being of sound mind...

*g*   Someone caught one of the other points the title
was making!

KAGOME: You want a second opinion on that?

I-Y: ...and body...

KIKYO: Can't argue with you there.

Neither can I.... *blush*

KAGOME: Er... do you know something that I don't?

KIKYO: Probably.

AN: Some blood.

"AN?" Wot's dat mean?

DRACULA: Blood? Vhere?

KAGOME: It's a fanfic about my first period.

DRAC: Ah! You call zat blood? Eet's not even enough
for a snack!

KAGOME: I've no idea what you're talking about. I
have Biology for first
period. We're studying platelets.

Reference to Kouga's eating scene- it's not nice to
read while... eating.   *shivers*


	I don�t like that dogface mutt, but even I have to

"dog-faced" would be grammatically correct here. Not
sure if this is a
deliberate usage or not.

Deliberate!

respect his fighting prowess.   He may not be up to
my
level, but if he wanted to, he could seriously hurt
me.   Especially since I lost my Shikon shards to
that
bastard Naraku� Not that I�d admit it to him.   The
hanyou has enough of an ego as it is.

Suggest: the half-breed has
(Especially if you're putting this on FFML rather
than just the IY list,
it's likely that a lot of readers have only read the
Viz releases and
won't know what a "hanyou" is.)

Ahhhh.... or a guide at the top?

	When the call came, carried by his retainer, I

INU-YASHA: Give me that back! My orthodontist will
be upset if I don't
keep wearing it!

*smacks Gary for BAD joke*

	To my surprise, he was there before I arrived.  
I�d
planned on arriving early to check for traps, but
he
was there already.

"he was there already" seems a bit redundant, given
"he was there before
I arrived" which already pretty much said the same
thing. Suggest either
rewording this to mention some new specific, or
simply dropping the
first sentence.

Ah.... this is why I need an Inu Yasha editor.   I
can't seem to find one!  One of my friends usually
looks things over, but she's so devotely IY/Ka that
she refused to read this one... wimp.  ^_~

  I saw him perched on a stump; his
golden eyes glimmered dimly in the dawn�s light.  
In
the five years since we had met, I had never seen
him
look so defeated- his posture was slumped, and his
fingers played with the hilt of his sword
nervously.

That last bit doesn't seem to suggest defeat, but
rather that he's ready
to keep fighting if he needs to.

I think it's more of a nervous habit, actually.

	There was no pride in the hanyou�s voice as he
explained what had happened to me.  �Naraku sent
Kagura and Kanna after us again.   Kanna managed to
capture Sango�s soul, and we had to go after her.  
Kagura did her best to protect her older sister,
but
Miroku managed to shatter Kanna�s mirror using a
ward
of truth, or something like that� and when the
mirror
shattered, Kanna died.�

KOGA: Oh my gods, they've killed Kanna!

NARAKU: Those bastards!

I assume that all of this is your own invented
ending for the series.
Otherwise a spoiler warning at the beginning would
not be inappropriate.
^_^  (My own source for translated scans dried up a
while back, so I'm
not up on the latest developments in the series.) 

Yes...  It's set five years later- I can see the whole
mess extending that long...

In any case, we
probably don't need this many details if it's not
being shown as a
scene. I do like the way you've concentrated less on
the information
itself and more on Koga's emotional reactions to it.

Koga is highly emotional.  I think of him sort of as a
cross between Ryouga and Kuno.

	�So he actually cared for Kagura?� I asked with
surprise.   Naraku seemed to care for nothing aside
>from the Shikon no Tama, and manipulating people
against each other.   The idea that he could care
for
one of his detachments, even Kagura who I saw as
his
female self, was decidedly against what I knew of
him.

Wasn't a major vulnerability of Naraku the fact that
he *did* care about
Kikyo? Koga might not know this. of course.

He knows Naraku cares for Kikyou- Kagome mentioned it.

	A vicious grin lit the hanyou�s face, the tips of
his
fangs peeking out from his lips.   �Kikyou purified
him� and for Naraku, there could be no more
unpleasant
way to go.�  His eyes shone with his joy brought
about
by finally settling the score.

	I had heard to story.   Kagome had told me the
story

had heard the story.
(Which story does he mean? Obviously not Naraku's
death, unless he's
just playing dumb by asking about it.)

Story of why it'd be unpleasant for Kikyou to kill
him.

I found her wandering the forest alone, an arrow
notched on her bowstring, and her shirtsleeve
stained
with the red of blood- not hers, though.  It
smelled
like the hanyou�s.   �Kagome?� I called, moving
towards her out of the heavy shadows cast by the
ancient trees.

	�Hello, Kagome!� I said cheerfully, picking up her
hands in mine and giving them a light squeeze.  
She
blushed slightly as I wrapped a familiar arm around
her waist.  �Looking for me?�   I knew the answer,
but
a guy could dream, right?   She was too obsessed
with

If she's got an arrow ready to fire, you might be
glad that she *isn't*
looking for you. :)

LOL.... point!
 
	She started with surprise.  �How did you- oh.  
You
smell his blood.   I forget about the youkai thing
sometimes,� she confessed.  �No, he�s fine- it was
hardly a scratch- and he should have healed by now�
I

Suggest: a scratch, and he
(the second dash would work if the last clause
resumed what you were
saying before the first dash, but that's not really
the case here)

I'm a hyphen-happy girl!   ^^;;;

	I took the rabbit she hadn�t skinned and ripped
into
it with my fingers, reveling in the warm blood the

blood that

	�He�s that old?� I asked, surprised.   He�d always
struck me as young- I was fifty, barely beginning
the
long life I could expect to enjoy, but Inu Yasha
was
half-human.   I�d placed his age in the late
twenties,
or maybe early thirties, the equivalent of a human
in
his mid-teens.   Hanyous aged in a strange fashion.
 

If you're going to insist on using the Japanese
here, then you probably
don't need to add the "s" in the plural.

Ahhhhh... saaaaaaaaaa.....

The idea that he was older then I was abhorrent.

older than I

Another of my chronic problems- you'd think I'd LEARN
eventually, wouldn't you?> 

	�Fifty years ago, Inu Yasha first heard about the
Shikon no Tama.   It was being guarded by a village
miko, a powerful woman named Kikyou.�

Suggest: village priestess, a

*sighs*

	�Indeed.   Anyway, they fell in love eventually,
and
Inu Yasha agreed to become human for her.  Naraku
tricked Kikyou and Inu Yasha into killing each
other

Suggest: tricked them into
(already talking about Kik and IY)

Point!

	�They both look alive to me- well, Inu Yasha does
at
least,� I pointed out.  I was still reeling from
one
of the things Kagome had let drop, perhaps
inadvertently- Inu Yasha had once desired to become
human?  The thought was repellant.  One of the

repellent.

Spell-check didn't catch that....

	She was silent for a while, and I could see that
she
was weighing something important by the
introspective
look on her face.  �Kikyou is me- or rather, her
soul
is mine.  I�m her reincarnation,� she told me
finally,
her voice so quiet that I wouldn�t have heard had I
been a mere human.

How's he know that? :)

INU-YASHA: Do you go through that once-a-month
change thing, too?

LOL... observation?  

	She explained it then, the entire twisted story of
Onigumi and his warped desire for the pure miko. 
�Inu
Yasha has promised to get revenge for Kikyou�s
death�.
And after, he�ll let her drag him into hell,� she
concluded.  After a moment�s silence she looked
down
at her half-eaten dinner and then handed it to me. 

�You can have the rest of this.   I�m not hungry
anymore.�

The loss of appetite is a nice way to show their
reaction to this
without spelling it out. I'd suggest spreading it
out a little for
greater impact, though; perhaps three paragraphs,
with the moment of
silence being in one by itself.

Hmmmmmmm....
 
	Inu Yasha watched me carefully.  I was overjoyed
that
Naraku finally received his just desserts, but the
news that Inu Yasha was going to let Kikyou take
him
with her to hell was certainly upsetting.

This, on the other hand, is oddly vague and
understated...

I think Kouga's not a bad sort... he's got depth we
don't give him credit for.

  Loving
someone enough to die for her was one thing, but
true
love meant that you loved that person enough to
live. 

...and I wouldn't guess that abstract homilies on
the nature of love are
Koga's style either. :)

My perception of him.

	He seemed uneasy, sad, upset, and resigned all at
once.   �I promised her.�  His fingers rose to
tease
his snow-white hair.  �But that leaves Kagome� and
I
can�t just leave her alone.�

I-Y: Now, let's see... where could I possibly find
someone who likes
Kagome and is powerful enough to defend her?

KOGA: What about ME?!?

I-Y: You can find your *own* defender. I've got
enough problems looking
for one for Kagome.

KOGA: You idiot. I meant that *I* could do it!

I-Y: Thanks for the offer, but it's my
responsibility. *I'll* find
someone for her.

*smacks Gary again because she can through a fit of
giggles*

	�She can�t get home anymore.   Kikyou used the
power
of the Shikon to get purify Naraku, and its gone
now. 

it's
("its gone" = "the gone belonging to it")

TYPO!   I'm usually REALLY good about that!

So Kagome�s stuck here.�

So the well doesn't work without the Jewel?

Not in the anime!  Not sure about the manga- I've only
read scattered volumes.

	A feeling of dread welled in my stomach.   I could
see where this was going.   Damn him to hell!  Even
if
he wasn�t already on his way, he should still be
sent
there!

Ummmm... [reader scratches head, trying to figure
this one out]

KOGA: Running off to hell?! You should be sent to
hell for that!

Kikyou is taking him there- she's killing him.

	I swore inwardly.   I wanted Kagome, but not like
this!   �Does she know you�re asking this of me?�

I'm not quite clear on what his objections are.

More of the sort where he doesn't want to be the
default choice.   He wants to win her honestly.

Overall, I liked this scene quite a bit. The
situation gives Koga some
very strong conflicting emotions. Rewrite so that
his various
motivations and feelings are a little more clear and
I think it'll be
great.

^^;;;;  

	I flinched back.   I knew one with human blood
could
only wield the blade, not a youkai like myself.  
�Are

knew only one with... could wield the
(As is, it's precluding those with human blood from
doing anything
*else* with the blade.)

Oopsssss....

	�Sayonara, Kouga.   Remember your promise.�

Suggest: "Goodbye, Kouga.

"Sayonara" has different conotations, though....  the
English language is so inadequate at times!

	I watched him as he moved towards where Kikyou
stood
waiting for him in the shadows.  Part of me wanted
to
use the blade he had just entrusted to me and
strike
her down, to spare Kagome the anguish of Inu
Yasha�s
death, but I couldn�t do that.   It was a matter of
honor, one that didn�t involve me.

KOGA: Besides, she'd probably just fry me with a
spell or something
before I got close. So I really *couldn't* do it.

*g*   He wouldn't ADMIT that.   His damn ego!

	As I raced back to the mountain to await Kagome�s
arrival, the sheathed Tetsusaiga bouncing against
my
hip, I trying to decide if Inu Yasha had been
incredibly strong or incredibly weak to make the
choices he had-

	-Or if it was possible to be both.

Not sure if the dashes work there; you might just
want to start a new
sentence. Anyhow, nice ending line.

Me neither, but it didn't work with an elipses and a
new sentence....

END OF "HIS WILL"

End notes:
I wasn't sure I had the courage to post this since
I
KNOW I've already managed to offend one of my usual
prereaders (a staunch IY/Ka fan)... but the show
must
go on, right?

I'll be the first to say that I don't care who gets
matched up, as long
as the story is interesting and believable. Anyhow,
I enjoyed it very
much.

One of the few!   Many people are such staunch
shippers....

Finally, I welcome all C&C.... the harsher the
better!

Sorry, but if you want harsh, you'll have to write
something less good.
^_^;;;

You call that GENTLE?  *winks*  Honestly, though...
I'd love to see what you call harsh.  And I'll take
that last bit as a compliment!

QS

=====
"No matter what the bible says, the battle always goes to
the strong. And I am strong. I don't need to prove that to
anyone anymore."
-Excerpt from Sainan no Kekka- Act Seven, Scene VII

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Quicksilver/
http://www.midnightrevolution.org/gundam

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