Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C][Ranma 1/2][Angst] Ukyou's Betrayal
From: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Date: 2/24/2002, 9:24 PM
To: "Douglas MacDougall" <dougmacd@attbi.com>
CC: "Fanfic Mailing List" <ffml@anifics.com>






C&C below.  Some snippage.

Ukyou's Betrayal
A fanfic by KPJAM

Any relation to SKJAM?

No.  People keep asking me that.
I'll skip stuff that I agree with, to save space.  ^_^


suggest:  as his departure.
(Less awkward.)

I smile as the thought of seeing him floats around my brain, assaulting
m=
e

suggest:  filling my mind with images
("Assaulting" implies violence, like the images are unpleasant.)


Very good point, especially if you put it that way.



friend awaits me.   He must be dying to see me, because I know I can't
wa=
it
to see him.  This should be the happiest day I've had in weeks, since
his
unexpected departure.  The mere thought of seeing him again is bringing
l=
ife
back into my life, something that his presence has always done.

Was Ranma actually gone for weeks?

He took a trip to the somewhere in middle China, I assume he was, although
Takahashi took huge liberties with time.



A wistful sigh reminds me that I must get going, Ranma is only a quick
shower and short trip away!
=20
Opening the bedroom door, I walk down the hall, noticing that Konatsu's
d=
oor
is partially open, signifying that my most recent friend and employee is
=
up
and about.

suggest:  partially open.  My most recent ... must be up
(I can't see a country girl like Ukyo use the term "signifying."  :)

Heh, good point.  How about "telling me"


Thinking about Konatsu always reminds me of our initial meeting, and
Ranm=
a's
attempts to save me.

AKANE:  They weren't very good attempts, though, were they?
KONATSU:  No....
AKANE:  Seeing as I saved you from the mouth of sister one....
KONATSU:  And I saved you from the arms of sister two...
UKYO:  Details, details!

Heh



SOUN:  You've shown emotions to someone other than my Akane?!
RANMA:  What?  I did?
AKANE:  Can't remember?
NABIKI:  Well, I don't see Ukyo giving any examples, either.

Suggest giving an example of when Ranma has shown his caring to Ukyo
publicly, or removing the "publicly."

Heh, okay.


The bathroom is empty and I hesitate while I consider the western-style
b=
ath
and shower.  Which should I choose?

KUNO:  You must choose BO--mph!
RANMA:  Nevermind this idiot.
UKYO:  Oh, Ranma, I never knew you were so eager to see me naked!
RANMA:  Wh- What?!=20


HEY!  This is a dramatic piece, stop making me laugh!  ^_^


Neither was as nice as a furo, but I do
have to hurry.  My heart is racing just thinking about being reunited
wit=
h
my Ranchan.

This paragraph doesn't feel like it's serving any purpose other than
the author showing off that knows what a "furo" is.  If she's in a rush,
why is she hesitating to choose?

Actuall the author was just dilly dallying, trying to put space in-between
her introspections, instead of just a few paragraphs of her lumming things
over.



Understanding his need to be his own man, I have tried to give him some
space, never really chastising his actions.

AKANE:  Except for that whole secret sauce incident when you moved into
        my house to live with Ranma?
UKYO:  What did I tell you about bothering me with the details?!


I wonder if I go through and do this for all the characters, how many of
them miss details?



Sure I've slipped up on
occasion, who wouldn't?  When they desired to be with someone, and only
t=
hat
somebody, so strongly.

Who are "they"?

The metaphoric missed pronoun of an author unused to reading or writing in
First person. ^_^;;



After quickly disrobing, I'm underneath the stream of hot water, feeling
=
the
jets pound softly on flesh and muscles that are cramped from sleep and
ta=
ut
from excitement.  I can feel the relief as the muscles soften under the

suggest:  muscles taut from excitement.
(Why would they be cramped from the rest of sleep?)_

My muscles are often tight when I wake up, needing stretching, etc.  But I'm
old.



have in him as a martial artist and as a person, always bolster my
confidence.  More than faith, really, because I really never doubt these
things about him.  He would hurt me, he has shown he would fight for me.
=
 He

suggest:  He would never hurt me
(That's what you meant, right?)

Gah!  thankies


punc:  me.  He has shown

even considers me his fiancee when I know that his father is forcing
Akan=
e
down his throat.

punc:  fiancee, when

This sentence doesn't make any logical sense.  Did you mean that, while
Akane is forced on Ranma, Ranma openly acknowledges Ukyo as his fiancee?
It's not clear.


That was the point.  I'll look at it more closely, see how I can imporve it.


Also, some consideration and understanding are due to me, if not a whole
=
lot
more.  The way his father had handled my dowery and ditching me like
garb=
age

suggest:  Also, I am due some some consideration and understanding.  The
wa=
y
(Try speaking the sentences you've written aloud.  Do they sound natural
to you?)

Yours does sound better.


sp:  dowry

GENMA:  Would this be a bad time for me to remind you that you lost the
        okonomiaki cart to the Gambling King?  Are you allowed to give
        someone else's property as dowry?
UKYO:  Shut up!
GENMA:  No no, I *respect* that!  It's the sort of thing I'd do!
UKYO:  Shutup shutup shutup! [brains with spatula]

Heh



along the road was insulting enough to start a family war.  My father's
dealing with the same event was also less than appropriate, but he's my
father, I have to do what he says.  But Ranma doesn't really listen to
hi=
s
father anymore, I wish I could be that strong and noble.

GENMA:  The term you're looking for is "dishonorable."
UKYO:  What?!  Ranchan is SO honorable!
GENMA:  Then he should do what his father says.
UKYO:  But you're an idiot!
GENMA:  Honor has nothing to do with intelligence.   [whispers]
       Thank goodness.
RANMA:  I HEARD that!

Heh



"Lady Ukyou-" he starts say and I cut him off, not meaning to be extra
ru=
de,
but he can be a bit verbose and extra-polite, things I really don't have
time for right now.

suggest:  not meaning to rude
(So she did mean to be *somewhat* rude?  :)

Yes, she was in a hurry.  She had spent to much time idling while deciding
between a bath and a shower.  ~_^



"I need to go see Ranchan.  Postpone opening until I get back."  I can
he=
ar
the excitement in my high-pitched voice.

suggest:  Don't open
(Keep it simple.)

isn't the line (Keep it simple, stupid) ^_^
You're probably right, but I wan't to ponder it at a later date.


"You've received  a letter," he replies as soon as I finish.
=20
"Later.  I'll read it when I return from the seeing Ranma."
=20
"But it is from the Dojo, Lady Ukyou."  I hear him explain.

cap:  dojo
(Why are you capitalizing this word?)

Bad habit from writing too many titles in memo's at work.>_<


school.  I don't need a constant reminder that he cares about me, but
the
thought of this extra-notice was wonderfully satisfying to me.

punc:  extra notice
(Why are you hyphenating this?)

I have a habit of hyphenating word pairs.  I do it without thinking and miss
some on my way back, along with the extra capitalizations.


I turn the small envelope over in my hand, trailing a finger across the
seal, feeling for an imperfection in it that is keeping me from my
letter=
.

Huh?  She's holding the letter; how can in imperfection in the seal keep
her from it?

It was meant to be slightly humorous.  One comment liking it, two not.  >_<


open the flap.  My pulse is way out of control as blood races through my
veins, unable to allow the fine muscle coordination that would allow me
t=
o

Her pulse is unable to allow fine muscle coordination?

How's this sound to you instead?
- ...veins.  The agitation this causes makes it unable...


patience as I rip the small envelope, bringing forth the letter.
Finally=
!

suggest:  At last!
(You just said "finally.")

I think I'll take your "At last!"



working at the same time.  The world freezes as my vision flickers and I

suggest:  stop working for a moment.
(Unless they start again, wouldn't she die?  ^_^;)

That would be a dramatic result, huh.



I'm not what to make of this treatment of Ukyo.  I mean, it's rather
biased
towards her, ignoring Ranma's behavior towards Akane, ("Genma's forcing
Ranma to marry her!") and her own behavior towards Ranma ("I've always
give=
n
him space!").=20

The character's often seem to ignore the behavior of the other characters.
There is also the fact, that while we see all Takahashi tells, the other
character's don't.  The entire Saffron arc is lost to Ukyou, along with
others.



Of course, it's told from her point of view, so that's completely
understandable.  But as I read, I grew increaingly uninterested in Ukyo's
opinions.  It significantly blunted any emotional impact the ending was
supposed to have.

That's a shame.


The story seems to be an argument laying out why the invitation was such a
betrayal.  But as an argument it fails, becuase it only tells one side of
the story. =20

But that one side is the story.  Yes, it can be clarified later, but at that
moment, it is what it is, the perspective of the character.



Unless Ukyo describes her own failings, rather than glossing over them, I
can't sympathize with her.  And since I *know* about those failings,
having
read the manga, their omission is glaring.

Do we always go over out own failings in detail?  It would be great if we
did...


I'd suggest you go over the story, and place more emphasis on Ukyo's
emotions,=20
rather than thoughts.  Don't try to explain things; just present them.  If
you avoid self-righteousness ("I deserve him, especially after all the
horrible
things that have happened to me and the things he's been forced into"),
the=
n
she=20
will appear more like an innocent victim in the end, giving us more
sympath=
y
for her.

Good point.


And finally, read your story aloud as you review it.  It will help you
pick
out words and phrases that sound awkward.

Keep writing,=20

I intent to.
Thanks a lot for the thoughts and suggestions.



Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall              "There's a lot of things I *should* do."
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying

Ken

http://www.anifics.com



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'