--On 2/12/02 6:52 AM +0100 Vampyr3 wrote:
Vampyr3,
I apologize if it sounds like I'm being harsh. I'm not trying to be.
Honest.
General note: your line wrapping and line breaks are messed up. They
either don't wrap or have double spacing. I've run this back together
where ever convenient for commenting.
the sound of someone's breathing. She wasn't alone? That made her awake
faster.
"...made her wake faster" maybe? I can't justify it, but "make her awake"
just sounds wrong to me.
She feels the cold touch of fear creep up her spine.
Shifted from past to present tense. feels -> felt and creep -> crept
She looked around the room. Everything was racked.
Do you really mean racked and not wrecked? The word racked does mean "out
of shape or out of plumb." :-)
The floor looked like it hasn't been swiped in years.
hasn't -> hadn't swiped -> swept
("Where am I?") she asked herself, not recognizing the room.
("What is this place?") It looked like it was made if wood.
(Wood? I thought the room was pearl white.
Must have been a dream...)
Quotes and parans both are excessive. I would use just quotes in this
case. Also, it's best to be consistent. The quotes disappear in the later
part starting (Wood? ...
Near her where the Tendo's middle daughter, Nabiki,
where -> were
A flash of gold came through her mind for a second, but
she inputted it to the night's dream.
Inputted -> imputed? Assuming you mean imputed, it's a rather obscure word.
Now fully awake, she noted that the room itself has seen better
days.
has -> had
She managed got up, after freeing herself of her son's arm that pressed
on her.
...managed to get up...
A quick glance at the garden told her that there was a problem. It was
ravaged.
Oh good! She's realized there's a *problem*! Sorry, even allowing for
shock and confusion, this was just a bit much for me. :-)
With eyes not of her own she looked through distant memories and
"eyes not of her own"? "eyes not her own" works for me, but "of her own"
just doesn't feel right. I'd also put a comma after "own".
she saw a royal court with sublime resses,
You could leave off the "she" here. "resses"? The only word that comes to
mind is recesses, but sublime recesses seems... odd. :-)
an imposing palace pearl white,
palace pearl white -> pearl white palace
She saw people she knew and yet didn't recognize either.
I'd remove "either".
Troubled by all these mental pictures, she shacked her head to clear it,
and then looked back at the structure that messed up her head.
shacked -> shook "that messed up her head" -> "confused her so"? It's
best not to use the same phrase ("her head") twice so close together.
We are still curently working on the title... but we are using the plot I
posted several month ago... since nobody took it, I'll have to write it
myself, I worked a lot in it since then and I hope to be able to make
something good out of it.
Some of the imagery in this is very nice. I think it needs a bit more of a
hook, though, to engage the reader's interest.
Jim