Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Shortfic]Regrets and Apologies
From: "Werness, Charles" <st08@SJNMA.ORG>
Date: 2/1/2002, 2:03 PM
To: "Listimigrapher (E-mail)" <ffml@anifics.com>

There's no real point to this story, I guess.  I just felt like writing it.
So I sat down and got to work.  I finished pretty quickly, and now I'm
posting it.  Huzzah.

I don't claim the right to any of the characters in the Ranma � universe.
The names I made up for this story are technically mine, but I still think
I'm gonna attribute them to Takahashi-sama, just for good measure.

-------------------


I slowly walk up to the memorial, taking special care not to trip and fall.
I put my cane to good use as I limp heavily, a side effect of the hip
surgery I had two months ago.  The cold October wind blows and sends icy
tendrils raking through my hair, causing chills to run down my spine.  I tug
my coat tightly around my throat with my free hand, making sure not to
damage the single red rose that I have brought as an offering.
A sad smile plays across my lips as I finally reach the memorial and read
the name of the man that I coveted for so long but was never able to have.
"Happy anniversary," I whisper with a sniffle.  "It's officially been twenty
years since you died.  I hope you realize how much we've all missed you.
Especially your wife.  She still cries herself to sleep some nights, the
pain of losing you is so bad."  I slowly and painfully bend down to place my
offering.  "Here," I grunt, standing back up.  "It's the least I can do for
the man that I loved."  Tears come unbidden to my eyes, but I blink them
back.  I've cried enough.  "I wonder what would have happened had you and I
gotten married."  A sniffle and a cough.  "Sorry.  I've been sick lately.  I
hope you don't mind."  Like he can even hear me.  
"So your friend Ukyo is doing well.  She and her husband are still the proud
owners of the 'Ucchan's' restaurant chain, and that stubborn woman still
refuses to stop cooking."  I smile.  "I think that's part of the reason her
restaurants are so popular, really - her strong personality.  I know more
than a few people who used to eat at her restaurant just for the
conversation she would provide.  Oh, yeah, she's still here in Nerima.
Refuses to leave."  A flake of snow drifts gently onto my nose.  "Well," I
say with a laugh, "I guess someone else wants to give you a present, too."
The snow begins to fall slowly to the ground; the breeze makes the large
flakes dance in the air, spiraling in and out of each other in a beautiful
winter dance.
Soon, though, my gaze returns to the memorial.  To the name of the man I
could not have.  "Your father is still alive, amazingly enough."  I can
almost hear his response.  "I know," I smile, shivering in the cold.  "I
didn't think he'd make another one, either.  But the man refuses to give up.
"My sister is doing well enough.  She and her husband are enjoying their
life, living quietly at home, using the money that they saved up teaching.
Their grandchildren - you know, the triplets I was telling you about;
Noriko, Yuriko and Kimiko - they just graduated from high school.  Makes you
feel kind of old, doesn't it?"  Another chuckle and I continue, "Well, I
don't suppose it would make you feel old, seeing as you're..."  I choke back
a sob and lean heavily on my cane.  "No," I say stubbornly, wiping away the
tears running down my face.  "No.  I'm not going to cry."  I sniff once and
stand up as straight as I can, which isn't all that straight, and take a
deep, shuddering breath.
"There.  I'm all better now."  The lie rolls off of my tongue without
difficulty.  "Anyway, Ryoga went on an interesting adventure the other day."
Another laugh.  My emotions are so unstable.  "It seems that he told Akari
that he was going out to get the mail, and he ended up on Mars.  Yes, Mars.
Those astronauts that were sent there a while back were apparently sitting
in their little disposable research facility, enjoying being the first and
only people on Mars, when in walks Ryoga, carrying a bundle of letters and
with a confused look on his face.  The people over at the British Space
Command Center weren't too happy about that, let me tell you."  I look up
momentarily as a passenger airliner passes overhead.  "So they had to call
in a translator so that they could understand what Ryoga was saying, and
then they had to calculate how long they could remain on mars with the extra
person eating up their supplies, and...well, to make a long story
short...shorter, in any case...Akari's worried sick, their children are
laughing it up and speaking to news reporters at every turn, and I and
Ryoga's other friends have amended our perceptions of Ryoga's directional
ability yet again - now, instead of saying that he can go out for a walk and
end up across the world, we say that he can end up on the other side of the
solar system.
"Your daughter is doing well, though Yukimi is still not married."  Several
images flash through my mind: Yukimi at her father's funeral, sobbing; the
flames consuming the casket, turning the man I loved into dust; the first
anniversary of his death, me standing outside in the rain and sobbing
unashamedly.  
 "Damn you, Ranma!" I scream, my face buried in my hands.  My cane rests by
my side, useless as I lie on the ground in front of the stone monument.
"Damn you!  Why did you have to marry Nabiki?  Why couldn't you have seen
how much I cared?"  A car door slams somewhere in the distance and anger
wells up within me.  Pure, unadulterated fury flows through my veins, giving
my muscles strength like so much adrenalin.  I pick up my cane from beside
me and begin to beat ineffectively at the stone altar in front of me.  "I
loved you!  Damn you, Ranma, I loved you!  Even after you married my sister,
I loved you!  Just being able to see you every once in a while was enough
for me!  But then you had to go and kill yourself!  DAMN YOU!!!"  My
high-pitched screech echoes in the distance and the fiberglass cane falls to
the ground, my cold, limp fingers unable to maintain a sufficient grip.
"Why?  Why did you kill yourself, Ranma?  Was it because of the accident,
because you lost the use of your legs?  Was it because your hospital bills
were so large?  Was it because your mother died?"  Snow gently falls,
alighting on my prone form.  The pain and the rejection and the anger and
the sadness all conspire to rob my body of any strength left in it, reducing
me to a sobbing mass.  "Why?" I whisper over and over, wallowing in pain and
rejection.
"Are you alright?" comes a voice from behind me.  I recognize the voice.
Turning my head, I ask, "Yukimi?"
Incredulity on her face, Ranma's daughter queries, "Aunt Kasumi?"  She
rushes to my side and kneels.  "Are you alright, Aunt Kasumi?  What
happened?"
I smile weakly through my tears and point to the memorial.  "He happened,
dear.  Your father happened."
Again, her face is the picture of confusion.  I feel an ache in my heart as
I notice just how much a resemblance to Ranma she bears; not just in her
face but also in her inability to see what is right in front of her.  "What
do you mean, Auntie?"
She helps me into a sitting position.  "Your father was quite the man,
Yukimi, Dear.  He was quite the heartbreaker."
I take the tissue that she proffers and dab at my tears.  Finally, she gasps
in sudden realization.  "You were in love with Daddy?"
A rueful smile adorns my face.  "I loved your father like I have loved no
other man since, Dear.  He was the only man for me.  Unfortunately," I add
with a chuckle, "he was the only man for your mother, too, and she got to
him first."
Yukimi's hands grip my own tightly and she looks directly into my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Aunt Kasumi.  I didn't know."
"No one did, Dear.  Not even your father.  Come, now.  Help an old woman to
her feet."  Together, we are able to heft my old frame upright.  Yukimi
bends down to get my cane and I can't help but notice that she has a rear
like her father had, as well.
My laugh splits the cold air.  "Auntie?" asks my niece.  "Why are you
laughing?  And blushing?"
"Dear," I reply, taking my cane, "I just realized how nice of a behind you
have.  Just like your father's."  She blushes and looks aghast at me, but I
just wink and smile, saying, "Well, this old maid has got to get off to
home, now.  It's past her bedtime.  Say hello to your cats for me, will
you?"  With that, I turn and slowly shuffle away down the pathway, toward my
car.  Yukimi's voice calls after me, prompting me to turn around.  "Yes,
Dear?"
"Was..." she starts, then takes a deep breath and begins anew.  "Was that
why you never married?  Because you loved Daddy?"
Were I to have been able to see my face right then, I can imagine that there
would have been so much pain and hurt in my eyes as to cause a grown man to
weep.  "Yukimi, I loved your father more than anyone has ever loved
anything.  There was not one moment in time that I ever thought about even
dating anyone but him after I met him.  He changed my life forever.  So yes,
he was the reason I never married."  I chuckle softly and close my eyes, but
it degenerates into a coughing fit.  Recovering, I look back to the woman
who is the son of my love and say, "And Yukimi?  I have never made a worse
choice in my life than not getting married.  Your father would not have
wanted me to go throughout life alone.  No one should.  I don't know what's
worse: the fact that I never told your father of my love, or the fact that I
stayed true to that unrequited love for so long."  I again lapse into a
coughing fit.  Finally, after what seems like hours, the fit subsides and my
eyes return to the woman across from me.  "Don't throw your life away like
that, Dear.  You're like the daughter I never had, so let me give you a
piece of motherly advice - the only I'll ever give: don't waste a perfectly
good life.  If you find someone who makes you happy, tell him, and don't let
him go.  Don't let the past keep you from happiness in the present or
future.  Don't...just don't make the same mistakes I did."
I turn and continue to my car.  Is that true?  Do I regret not marrying?  I
guess I do.  Chuckling yet again, I note that it took another person to get
me to see my mistakes in life.  I open the car door and painfully get in.
Starting the car, I turn on the windshield wipers to clear off the
windshield and head towards my home, regret and sadness weighing heavily on
my heart.

The door closes behind me and I shuck off my coat, leaving it on the floor
in a very uncharacteristic manner for me.  The wet shoes and scarf and hat
and mittens soon follow, littering the floor with items of clothing that I
made for myself so many years ago.
My living room beckons me, with its comfortable and warm chairs across from
the plethora of photos of family and friends, past and present.  
The chair creaks in unison with my old bones as I plop heavily into the
chair.  The pictures across from me make me smile.  Akane and her three
granddaughters at their high school graduation.  Ranma and Nabiki at their
wedding.  Father and Mr. Saotome before I was born.  Memories play across my
mind as my eyes drift from frame to frame, reliving my life.
The life I have led without another beside me.
Tears start to run down my face.  I was so stupid and stubborn.  I didn't
marry because I loved Ranma, and it doomed me to go through life sad and
alone.  How could I have done such a thing?
Ranma would never have approved.  I'll have to apologize to him next year.
Yes, that's what I'll do.  I'll apologize for using his memory in such a
perverse way.  I just hope he hears me.
The sounds of the wind outside my window gently lull me to sleep as I plan
my actions for the next year.
I bolt upright in my chair, eyes wide and mouth open in a silent scream.
Heart attack.  I'm going to die.  I'm going to die, without ever apologizing
to Ranma.
The burning pain shooting through my chest hampers me as I try to move
across the room to the telephone.  Three steps more, and I'll be there.  Two
steps.  My chest keeps burning hotter and hotter.  One step.  I reach out my
arm and fall to the floor, mere fractions of a meter away from my lifeline.
As I lie on the floor, gripping my chest, my vision begins to blur.  I'm
going to die.  Damnit, I can't die yet!  "I still have to apologize to
Ranma!" I whisper with the last of my breath.  
My vision goes black, and I die.

Nothingness.  All around me, nothingness.  I twist and turn, trying to seek
out someone or something besides myself, but all I can see is blank space.
"Hello?" I call, cupping my hands around my mouth.  "Is this the afterlife?"
"Yes, it is, Kasumi."  It can't be.  It can't be him.  I slowly turn around
and see a familiar man, wearing a red silk shirt and loose black pants.  His
pigtail bobs slightly as he raises his hand.
"Yo," says Ranma casually.
In an instant I'm in his arms, hugging him fiercely and crying.  "I'm sorry,
Ranma.  I'm so sorry.  I know I shouldn't have kept on pining over you like
that.  Please forgive me.  I'm so sorry, Ranma.  Please, please forgive me."
Ranma's strong arms wrap around me and I can hear him whispering
reassurances.  "It's okay, Kasumi.  It's okay.  Don't worry about it."  
This continues for an indefinite amount of time before I wipe my eyes dry
and step back, blushing and sniffling loudly.  "Sorry about that," I
whisper.  
"Don't be."  He lifts my chin and looks directly into my eyes.  "Kasumi, you
loved me.  Why is that something for which you have to apologize?"
I lower my eyes in shame.  "Because I pervaded your name by using it to keep
me single."
A soft chuckle.  His voice sends shivers down my spine that I haven't felt
for years.  "Kasumi, don't apologize to me for your actions.  They were your
actions, and I had nothing to do with them.  You should be apologizing to
yourself."
"But," I start, taking another step back, "but I don't care about myself.
All I care about is yo-EEP!"  I can feel my cheeks flood with heat as I
lower my gaze and turn around in embarrassment.
This time, Ranma laughs.  A hearty, full laugh that fills me to my soul.
"Kasumi," he says softly from just behind me, "I'm the one who should be
sorry.  If I'd seen what you wanted so desperately for me to see, then I
would have been able to tell you to give up.  Don't get me wrong; I love
you.  I love you just as much as I love Nabiki.  Just in a different way."
I can feel his arms wrap around me, his warm...body?...soul?...pressing into
my back.  "I love you like a sister, Kasumi."  He chuckles again, and I can
feel his breath stirring the hairs on the back of my neck.  Why is he
breathing?  Aren't we dead?  "I'm sorry I didn't realize how you felt about
me."
Tears streaming down my face, I turn around in his arms and shake my head
against his chest.  "No.  No, don't.  It's not your fault."
"Does that mean you forgive me?"  I look up to his face to see the sly smile
he so enjoyed to favor.  A similar smile touches my lips.
"Only if you forgive me."
"Deal."  Ranma kisses me on my forehead lightly, sending electricity up and
down my body.  He takes a step back but keeps a hold on my hands.  "Now," he
quips with another smile, "why don't we get out of here?"
I look around and frown.  "Where can we go?"
"Well, your mom's been wanting to see you for a while, so..."
"I can see Mother?" I ask incredulously. 
"Yup.  You want to?"  I nod enthusiastically and he laughs.  "Okay.  Hold on
to my hand, and we'll be there in a moment."  A flash of light and we're
gone.

-------------------

Author's notes: I wanted to write a Kasumi fic.  So sue me.  

As I said before, this wasn't meant to have a real 'moral' or 'theme,' or
anything.  If you want to read into it, go right ahead.  I'm not stoppin'
ya.  

All of my writing got deleted a couple of weeks back, which means the
chapters for White Noise and To Know Pain on which I was working were
deleted, meaning even more time until I can get them out.  Feh to that.

Okay.  I'm done now.




A Depraved Sociopath with Psychotic Tendencies

Humanity: A Haiku
Tiny floating leaf
Calmly floating on water
Under mushroom clouds



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