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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: cbflamenco.txt
-- Desc: cbflamenco.txt

COWBOY BEBOP
PICNIC FLAMENCO




There are some days when it just doesn't pay to not work for a living.

I sat across from Spike, drumming the fingers of my cyberarm on the 
wooden picnic table, and sighed. "So your trap didn't work. So what? 
You know what they keep saying, he's-"

Without even looking up from the table, Spike's finger whipped up and
pointed at me threateningly. "Don't... even... SAY... it..." he gritted
out. "I am SO SICK of hearing that!"

Geez. Spike really needs to part with a couple of wulongs and buy a 
sense of humor, y'know? 

But I will admit, he does have a point about how irritating this 
bounty is becoming...

When we first saw it on the lists, we couldn't believe how easy it
looked, especially for the amount offered. I mean, all the information 
was there: Where he was hiding out, what he looked like, even what he 
liked to eat! 

Only Ein had given us any hint of how difficult this job would be...

I was distracted suddenly by two mud-covered hands slamming onto the 
table. I looked at it and almost flinched from the filth-covered
apparition that had come to haunt our table, and Spike's cigarette
dropped from his suddenly slack lips. 

What a waste. 

A pink crack appeared in the thing's head, and Faye's voice issued 
from it. "That thing is DEAD!" 

I started waving both hands frantically. "Wait a second, wait a second!
You know as well as I do that the bounty depends on him bein' alive!"

All of a sudden, her face started contorting under the mud, and I 
realized that she was about to cry... and I started sweating. I've
never been able to figure out how to deal with a woman crying; it 
always reminds me of a serpent weaving back and forth, preparing to 
strike...

"I... invited him... and everything... said that... I wouldn't try to
hurt him..." Faye sniffled again, and tears cut a clear path down her
cheeks through the mud. "But then he... TRICKED me..."

"Just like you were planning to trick him, eh?" I looked over at Spike,
scandalized that he would DARE to step on my lines. After all, I'm the
one that's supposed to be a thorn in her side...

Surprisingly, she didn't scream at Spike, or kick him, or even sneer
at him! Lucky bastard. She just slumped down beside me, buried her face 
in her hands, and started crying full-out. 

And that was where I made my mistake.

Grinning, I said, "Well, you know, they DO say he's smarter than-"

Faye crushed my instep just as Spike's foot met my kneecap. "WE DON'T 
WANT TO HEAR IT!!!"

Faye stood up after that and brushed ineffectually at the mud covering
her jacket. "Well, I'm gonna go get cleaned up at the Ranger station."
She sighed. "I'll be willing to bet they don't have any good, stylish
clothing in the vending machines up there... ah well, I guess that you 
can't have _everything_." She walked off, adding a slight roll to her
rump that looked very strange indeed... on a mud-covered monster. 

Spike leaned in towards me and whispered, "Actually, I snuck a taste
of the picnic lunch she prepared for HER trap, and the food was 
terrible! The hamburgers she put in the warm section were undercooked,
she accidentally put part of the ice cream in the warm section, so it
was melted, and..."

A rock hit the side of his head. "I HEARD THAT!!"

I carefully suppressed my grin. 

Ed hit the table from above, landing in a crouch with her computer 
precariously balanced atop her head and the screen on, showing a 
flashing dot moving across a map. "Ed has found the one we're looking
for; Ed tagged him while he snored!"

I grabbed the sides of the screen, watching the dot move. I let the 
grin I'd suppressed a moment ago out. "Good job, Ed! We've got him now.
He may be smarter than the-"

"DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SAY IT!!!" Spike stood up sharply, knocking the
bench down. Ed sat down crosslegged, facing him, as he began to rant.
"It was funny the FIRST time, sure, and maybe even the second, and the
third, yeah, I chuckled, but this is the TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVENTH
TIME YOU'VE TRIED TO SAY THAT STUPID PHRASE, AND I'M SICK OF IT!!!"

I stared at him for a moment, mind totally blank, and then I said the 
first thing that came into it. "...You... kept count..?"

A bark from Ein disrupted the moment, and we all turned to look at the
corgi. He made a motion with his head, then took off running. Ed jumped
up and started running after him, holding her arms out just like an
airplane. "Wait for mee, Ein..! Wheeeeee!!"

Spike and I looked at each other, looked at the rapidly disappearing 
Ed, shrugged, and started running after them too. 

It paid off.

We all stared in surprise at the culprit that we'd been hunting for 
so long, one of his hands stuck in the very trap that Spike had said 
didn't work. 

Spike grinned a slow, lethal grin. "Well, well. Looks like your hand's
been caught in the cookie jar, Mr. Yogi. Or should I say... caught in 
the picnic basket?" 

The bear didn't struggle at all as he turned to us. "See now, that's 
what YOU think. Don't forget, I'm smarter than the average bear!"

Spike... well... he almost lost his temper. His gun was out in a flash,
barrel leveled at Yogi's head. "What you don't realize, Mr. Smarter, 
is that we've had a tracking device in you for a very, very long time.
We've been watching all your movements, just waiting for the right 
moment to spring!"

The bear grinned; an evil, soulless grin to match Spike's worst, and I
shivered involuntarily.. "Tell me... is what you were using as a 
tracking device... a small round object with a bunch of little hooks
poking out of it, just perfect for latching onto a cute tiny Welsh 
Corgi?"

All of us turned to look at Ein, who suddenly whirled his head around
and started worrying at his fur, eventually dragging... a small round
object with a bunch of little hooks out, held gently in his teeth.

Suddenly, a dark shape swooped down from a nearby tree. I shouted, "It's
his little fucking buddy!" just as the smaller bear seized the picnic 
basket's handle, tore it free of the tabletop somehow, and they started 
running...

Spike's handgun cracked twice, and I reached out to push the barrel 
down. "Don't, you idiot! Remember, we can't fire guns inside the park!"

Spike grumbled, but he put the gun back inside his coat, just as a 
ranger (whose name I can never remember; he just has one of those faces,
y'know?) came running up. "Did you hear that?" he demanded.

Spike looked at me, I looked at Spike, and we both shrugged. "Hear
what?" 

"...Never mind." The ranger glanced at the table where the picnic basket
had rested a moment ago. "Are you the three bounty hunters that have 
been after the bear?"

Ed nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes!" 

I sighed in resignation. "Why do you want to know?"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "The 
tourist season's over and the park's off-limits to anyone except the 
rangers until next year. You can try to catch him again next year, if
you're in the neighborhood..."

Knowing what was coming next, I reached out and grabbed Spike by his 
frizz of hair just as he drew his gun and started running for the woods.
"NO, SPIKE! BAD SPIKE! DOWN! SIT!"

He rolled his head in my direction and I was shocked to see that he was
almost _slavering_ in rage. "I'll kill him! I'll shoot him and his
little buddy too!!! Just you wait; I'll get you, my pretty!!!"

I just shook my head, snagged Spike's gun when he waved it close to my 
free hand, and started dragging him away. "C'mon, Ed... this one got 
away..." 

Ed beamed. "I guess that Yogi is smarter than the average bear; poor
Spikey-Spike just doesn't think it's fair!" She picked up the tracer
and started running for the Bebop, Ein just behind her.

I shrugged again. Eh, it was as good a note to end this fiasco as any 
other. 

Man, some days it just doesn't pay to not work for a living...


AUTHOR'S NOTES

This was fun! 

Although the ending jokes were weak...

Ha! I know what you were thinking, "What was up with Faye complaining
about not being able to find good clothing in the vending machines?"
Well, vending machines will probably sell EVERYTHING in the future,
and in a park like this where people won't want to ruin their good
clothing in the dirt, it only makes sense that a smart business man
would sell once-wear stuff...

Science fiction. Gotta love it.

Anyway, Yogi Bear belongs to Hanna-Barbara, Cowboy Bebop belongs to a
company that I can't remember right now, even after watching the whole
series and the movie in one marathon... 

*pops neck* Well, off to work on Slayers NIBUNNOICHI!

Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"Nobody tosses a DWARF!!"
 -Gimli, son of Gloin


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