Subject: [FFML] [Excel Saga][Teaser]
From: "Ukyou Kuonji" <ucchans@ameritech.net>
Date: 12/17/2001, 7:37 PM
To:


[BGM: slow piano riffs, a la "Cheers"]

[The camera pans quickly down a typical street in the business section of Nerima, slowing down and focussing in on a familiar little restaurant with a purple shop curtain...]

VOICE-OVER: (sounding suspiciously like Shelley Long)  The Ucchan is written before a live restaurant audience.

[Inside the Ucchan.  It's a normal day, although for once, Ranma Saotome isn't around  *sigh*  Just the everyday, business-suit regulars and the occasional student.  Except for one guy who's just coming in, right as Ukyou flips an okonomi-yaki...]

UKYOU/KONATSU: (simultaneously diverting all attention to the new arrival)  o/~ Irrashaimase!

[Camera on the okonomi-yaki as it punctuates their greeting by landing with a loud sizzle]

[The new arrival sits down at the counter, next to a college-age girl with long auburn hair tied back in a thick braid.  He is tall and lanky, with mirrored glasses improbably balanced on a virtually noseless face.  His lantern jaw sports a crooked grin, directed at Ukyou and her kunoichi.]

STRANGER: (who turns to the camera momentarily with a 'who-are-you-calling-stranger?' expression, before returning to the task at hand)  Hi there, I'd like one of your seafood specials...

UKYOU:  Sure thing.  

[Ukyou removes the okonomi-yaki she's been working on from the grill, slides it onto a plate, and gives it to Konatsu.  While she sets up the ingredients for a seafood special, her kuniochi, in turn, slathers blood-red tonkatsu sauce over the finished 'yaki, and hands it to the auburn-haired girl seated next to our mystery guest.  For whatever reason, the spots untouched by sauce appear to form the characters A-KU-RO-SU]

UKYOU: (peering at the stranger)  I hope you don't think me too rude, sugar... but you look awfully familiar.  Do I know you from somewhere?

STRANGER:  Well, I can't say as I've been in here before... and I don't carry an American Express card...

UKYOU:  That's okay, we don't take plastic here, anyway.

[At this, three guys in cheap business suits look up, alarmed.  One of them, a stocky fellow with thick lips and glasses, silently telegraphs the thought "Uh-oh" to the other two.  Together, they get up and try to sneak out unobtrusively]

[They don't get far; Konatsu vaults over the grill and counter, and bars their way out the door.]

KONATSU:  We do, however, take cash, you know.

2ND GUY [taller, with a shock of brown hair that makes him look like an incompetant Dragonball Z character]:  (rubbing the back of his neck, shamefacedly)  Ah, heh-heh... Watanabe, pay the nice ninja girl, will you?  Before she slices us up for ingredients.

3RD GUY/WATANABE [same height as 2nd guy, with shoulder-length hair; he could be bishonen, if he didn't look so damn piss-poor]:  Me?  You said *you* were treating, Iwata, in honor of our new jobs.

2ND GUY/IWATA:  Yeah, well... we haven't gotten our paychecks yet, now, have we?

WATANABE:  Why, you...!  [He attempts to throttle Iwata, but a spinning spatula flies between the two combatants, shearing off a small lock of Watanabe's hair]

UKYOU: (brandishing another mini-spatula)  Look, you three... I don't give a damn about who offered to treat whom.  If ya ain't got the cash, get to work on the dishes, why don'tcha?  [She indicates the back room with her thumb]

[Cut to our three misfits.  The stocky guy's thoughts: "We don't have much choice, do we?"]

[Camera on Ukyou as Konatsu marches them past her, into the back room]

WATANABE: (over his shoulder at the stranger)  Rikudo-sensei, can't you get us out of this mess?

UKYOU: (turning to the stranger suddenly)  Rikudo-sensei...?  *You're* Koshi Rikudo?

STRANGER/KOSHI RIKUDO:  Yeah... I guess I am.

UKYOU:  Omigosh... hold that thought.  [She bashes open the door to the back room, heedless of the "oof" noise that results]  Konatsu!  As soon as you've got these guys settled, can you get out here and wait on our distinguished guest, Koshi Rikudo?  I gotta get something for him.

KONATSU: (offscreen)  Of course, Ukyou-sama!  One moment...

UKYOU:  Right!  [She turns to Rikudo]  Just a moment, and Konatsu-chan's gonna get you all set up.  I'll be right back, 'kay?  

[Ukyou dashes up a set of stairs to her apartment over the Ucchan.  Shortly thereafter, Konatsu emerges from the back room.  There is a loud clamor of pots and pans behind him that muffles suddenly as the door pivots closed]

KONATSU: (inspecting Koshi's order)  Hmm... looks like it's just about ready.  Would you like tonkatsu sauce on that, or mayonnaise?

KOSHI RIKUDO:  Well... ah, heck.  Mayo's the authentic Osaka style, isn't it?  Damn the cholesterol... full speed ahead!  [He grins disarmingly... evidently he's trying to flirt with Konatsu]

KONATSU:  All right then, sir... as you wish.

[Konatsu whips out a white squeeze bottle from beneath the counter - or was it from beneath his yukata?  It's hard to tell - and holds it at about waist level, pointing upward at an angle of approximately 70 degrees.  The kunoichi licks his thumb - the one not holding the mayo, of course - and holds it up in front of his face, as if testing the wind.]

[Camera on Konatsu's thumb, as if from the kunoichi's POV.  We see Koshi moving slowly back and forth behind the thumb as Konatsu apparantly lines up his shot.  The oscillations get tighter and tighter until they stop with the thumb nearly covering all of Koshi's face - well, okay, his jaw is sticking out a little.]

[Camera on the mayonnaise bottle at Konatsu's waist, as he squeezes it - HARD]

[SFX: *poit*]

[Camera tracks the large glob of mayonnaise as it describes the beginning half of a parabolic arc.  Just as it reaches the apex, the camera cuts to...

[Camera on what is presumably Koshi's okonomi-yaki, as the requested mayonnaise lands dead center on it with a loud *splat*.  The impact is sufficient to spread the mayonnaise completely over the dish.  The camera pans up to Koshi's face, and even with mirrored sunglasses on, you can tell he's blinking in surprise.]

KOSHI:  Uh... nice shot.

KONATSU: (bowing)  We aim to please, honored customer.  Enjoy.

[It's at this point that Ukyou rushes downstairs to the restaurant, clutching a piece of paper.]

UKYOU: (singsong)  Oh, Rikudo-senseeeei?  I *so* enjoy your Excel Saga manga... could I please have your autograph?  

[She hands him the paper]

KOSHI: (reading)  I, Koshi Rikudo, hereby allow Excel Saga to be adapted into fanfiction, subject to the certain constraints and freedoms allowed by this peculiar medium...  [He looks up at Ukyou]  I can't sign this.

UKYOU: (stunned)  B-b-but why not?

KOSHI:  Well, for one thing, thus far, this story is a crossover, and we'd need to get in touch with Takahashi-sensei regarding your activities... does *she* know what you're up to with this?

UKYOU:  NO!  I mean, ah... no, she doesn't.  Please don't tell her.  Look, I'll give you your meal on the house... whaddya say?

[Rikudo-sensei appears to be considering this...]

KOSHI:  Mmm... let those three out of there, too (gesturing toward the back room), and I think I could accept.

UKYOU: (slightly crestfallen at the loss of kitchen help)  Aw, all right. 

[There is a loud crashing noise coming from the back room.  Ukyou looks alarmed]  

UKYOU:  Er... right away, sensei!  [She charges into the back room.  Shortly thereafter, one can here Ukyou chewing out the three stooges, apparantly for having broken or otherwise mishandled things in there.  In rather short order, Iwata, Watanabe and Sumiyoshi come flying out the door - and this being in the Ranmaverse right now, that's meant literally - followed by a stomping mad Ukyou.]

UKYOU:  ...And so help me, if I ever see you again in here, I'm gonna turn all *three* of you into okonomi-yaki!

WATANABE:  But that was all Iwata's doing...!

UKYOU:  I DON'T CARE!  OUT!!  [She brandishes her battle spatula, and the three of them scurry out.  Once they're gone, she sighs heavily and turns back to Rikudo-sensei.]  I'm sorry you had to see that.

KOSHI: (swallowing the last of his okonomi-yaki nonchalantly)  Not bad, actually... have you ever considered a career in world domination? 

UKYOU:  Uh... no, I just stick to this stuff [she scrapes at a okonomi-yaki reject that got burnt while she was punishing the 'kitchen help'] and the occasional fanfiction.  Which reminds me... how about that authorization?  I'd love to write about Excel Saga, if you'll let me...

KOSHI: (shrugging)  Sure... what the hell, Excel's had worse.  A couple of fanfic writers couldn't screw her over worse than the animators did, so...

[He takes out his hanko (personal stamp) and *nails* that puppy]

[Menchi runs off howling, a big red square stamp mark on her right flank]

[Ukyou stares after the fleeing dog with a look of 'where-did-*she*-come-from?'  The auburn-haired girl next to Rikudo-sensei rolls her eyes and whistles, trying - badly - to be inconspicuous.  It only goes unnoticed because Ukyou turns back to Rikudo-sensei and the authorization notice]

UKYOU:  Uh... on the paper, if it's not too much trouble.

KOSHI:  Oh.  Sure.  [He stamps it, too] (SFX:  WHAM!)  There ya go.  [He gets up to leave]

UKYOU:  Thank you so much!  Come again!  [she grins broadly, turning to Konatsu]  All right!  We've been given carte blanche!

KONATSU:  So, what do you want to do with this fic?

UKYOU:  Well, as soon as we start this up, the first thing *I*m gonna do is get rid of this damn script format.  Good *grief*, but it's awkward.

KONATSU:  I was thinking more along the lines of what kind of fic, Ukyou-sama...

UKYOU: (waving her kunoichi off)  Yeah, I know, I know... well, what kind of genre can you do with a fic that hasn't been done in the anime?  Maybe a cooking show?

KONATSU; (blinking)  And have Excel show the readers how to prepare dog?

UKYOU: (pulling up short - she hadn't considered this)  Ah... no, maybe not.

KONATSU:  What about a ninja film, then?

UKYOU:  Yeah, but she's already done the whole ninja schtick already, trying to kill Rikudo-sensei... you saw how well *that* went...

[SFX: *bonggg*}
[The auburn-haired girl facefaults into the last bites of her okonomi-yaki.  A sweatdrop appears on the back of her head.  Ukyou and Konatsu notice none of this.]

[Suddenly, Konatsu's eyes widen, and he develops a terrific blush]

KONATSU:  Well, erm...

UKYOU:  'Natsu-chan?  You know of something?

KONATSU:  Ah, heh... there *is* a genre the anime never touched on...

UKYOU:  Well, spit it out, sugar!  Let's not keep the readers waiting...

KONATSU: (mumbling)  wll, the'nvrdd ahnti'nmay

UKYOU:  Say *what*?!

[Konatsu's face is as red as his robes.  He leans over to Ukyou and whispers in her ear.  She develops a slight blush, but nothing too serious.]

UKYOU:  Hmm, a lemon fic?  Well, you're right, it's, ah, virgin territory.  But I haven't done a whole lotta those kinda fics, so I dunno...

[At this point, the auburn-haired girl erupts from her seat, crawling over the counter toward Ukyou and Konatsu, much to both of their surprise.  Especially considering that we all now recognize her as...]

EXCEL: (crawling up onto the grill)  Yes!  Yes!!  YES!!!  Oh, please, ohpleaseohplease let me do a lemon scene!  I'm begging you!  I would do anything for Il Palazzo-sama, anything for his love!  Excel would give anything to be able to express her love for Il Palazzo-sama in the fullest measure possible!  Can't you feel it?  Can't you sense the burning passion I have for my dear Il Palazzo-sama?!

UKYOU:  Uh, actually, sugar... that's just you.  You're kneeling on the grill.

[Beat]

[Camera cuts to the exterior of the Ucchan, and pans back rapidly at the force of the next line:]

EXCEL [V/O]:  KYYAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

=================================
Ukyou Kuonji presents

WEIRD FANFICTION EXCEL SAGA

Version 37.25.36.69.88
=================================

[Three guys in cheap suits wander through a nondescript area of the city.  The short, stocky one turns to the others and we can see his thoughts:  "Looks like we're gonna be ignored in *this* episode, too."]

UKYOU: (V/O)  Hey!  I said I was dropping the script format!  And get the camera off those three bozos!

KONATSU:  Sorry, Ukyou-sama...

***

A midnight blue swirl of space and stars passes by.  A dainty feminine hand makes a gesture, and "Let's start this thing over, shall we...?"

==========

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PEDRO:  NOOOOOOOOOO!!

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