And continuing on the shorter stuff:

#####

His heartbeat was loud and fast, each pulse of blood shooting down veins
and making his whole body throb as if receiving a series of physical
blows.

'series' sounds bland in association with 'blows'. Something more offensive
like 'barrage' or something, I think would be better.

  His breathing labored, he sucked air in and out of his lungs as

fast as he could,

Better than sucking air out of your [Expletive Deleted], I guess, especially
when it came time to going to the bathroom.

She had appeared out of nowhere, having either been invisible and
waiting for them, or teleporting to their location from somewhere else.
He wasn't capable of doing either and he was the magic user of the
group.  He didn't even know what the power levels involved in such
abilities was,

were

 but he was quite sure that she was strong enough to have

killed him and the girls easily if she had wished to.

By teleporting to where they slept and shooting them in their beds, yep. :)

The first attack had been a complete surprise.  One instant the road
ahead of them was clear, the next they were blocked by a woman and a
fireball was streaking towards him.  He managed to bring an arm up to
shield himself before it hit, but it still knocked him to the side and
set the sleeve of his shirt on fire as well as

fire, as (I think)

 singing his hair.  The

material of his shirt had melted right into his skin and every time he
moved now he could feel the wet, sticky skin of his burnt forearm
peeling and tugging itself free of the muscles that lie beneath.

Ouch. Very graphic.

As his brother moved to cover the girls, he began throwing all of the
magic at his disposal towards the cloaked sorceress, ignoring the
apparent futility of his actions as she simply teleported away from each
attack with ease.

Heh. Almost sounds like a female version of Xellos with all the teleporting.

"I don't think so," said the woman's voice.  He twisted about in fear,
looking towards the sky to see her trace a circle in the air before her,
a trail of black fire following her extended finger's motions.  When the
circle was complete a loud crackling noise became audible, sparks of
lightning flaring about the rim of fire.  He didn't know how she'd done
it, but inside the circle was a sky of a different color, and a valley
of strange lakes was visible through it.

Jusenkyou

First he felt disbelief, his mind insisting that it wasn't possible, it
couldn't have happened.  His brother hadn't just been sent through some
kind of weird portal to another place, possibly to his death.
Impossible.

As he stared at the empty patch of land, however, his feelings changed.
It was possible.  It had happened.  His brother was gone, and without
knowing magic he

magic, he (I think)

 would have no way to return.  He refused to accept that

the elder boy was dead,

Nah. She would have just killed him if that was her goal.

Ranma and Happousai both sat in the back yard of the Tendou home, mouths
open wide in astonishment, although at different things, to be sure.
The old man's eyes were filled with tears of pride and happiness, his
joy readily apparent.  Ranma's eyes were just full of stunned
incomprehension.

Not all that unfamiliar a condition for him.

"I... I'm so PROUD!" said Happousai.  "I knew he'd come around one day,
but this, this is unexpected!  To think that he would not only come to
love the name I'd given him, but refuse to accept another from two
beautiful, lovely women!"

Heh.

Ranma just watched in silence as Pantyhose Tarou ran past in his cursed
form, two women and a man in close pursuit.  The women were both waving
whips around, their bodies moving in interesting ways, bouncing in one
direction and then another as they ran by with their arms swinging.  The
man ran beside them, absently dodging the whips that kept cracking the
air nearby, his arms spread as he chased Tarou with disturbing
eagerness.

Heh. Sorceror Hunters. Cute, but where's Gataeu?

Author notes:  Did anybody not see this coming?

I kind of did.

I wrote it based on the

memories of the two volumes of Sorcerer Hunters I read almost a year ago
now, so I pretty much made up all the magic related stuff, letting it
work out exactly as I wanted it to with no regard for the magic system
of the real story.

So, this is my attempt to answer how the spring that Pantyhose Taro was
dunked into was created.  Carrot's monster form looks quite a bit like
Taro's,

A bit, but it's not that far from a standard giant monster with horns thing.

 I think, so it seems like the obvious explanation.  It seems far

more likely than some group of random monsters diving into a spring
while holding onto each other, anyway.

Heh. In the Takahashiverse, I think it's quite normal. :)

Amusing. Flowed nice and I saw very little in the way of mistakes.

D.B. Sommer


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