----- Original Message -----
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
To: "Thermopyle" <Thermopyle@tds.net>
Cc: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, October 24, 2001 1:09 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma][Xover][Spamfic] A Very Tragic Story
(revised/rewritten)

And continuing on the shorter stuff:

...somebody actually read this?  I'm so *sob* happy!

Seriously, you're the second person to email me in response to my posting
this to the ffml, which is somewhat depressing since I wasn't sure how to
take it.  Did nobody read it, nobody thought it was even slightly
reasonable, everybody thought it sucked and wasn't worth commenting on?
Etc... So it's nice to know that at least two people read it and didn't have
huge issues with the way it was written or think that it was utterly
rediculous. :)

I *did* post it on the delphi forum, but most of the responses I got were
along the lines of people just saying "...." and nothing else.  I wasn't
really sure how to interpret that.

Anyway, to the comments:

#####

His heartbeat was loud and fast, each pulse of blood shooting down veins
and making his whole body throb as if receiving a series of physical
blows.

'series' sounds bland in association with 'blows'. Something more

offensive

like 'barrage' or something, I think would be better.

Good point, I think I'll change that.

  His breathing labored, he sucked air in and out of his lungs as

fast as he could,

Better than sucking air out of your [Expletive Deleted], I guess,

especially

when it came time to going to the bathroom.

Actually, that'd be a neat trick.  Somebody who could do that could fart on
demand while singing accompanyment.

She had appeared out of nowhere, having either been invisible and
waiting for them, or teleporting to their location from somewhere else.
He wasn't capable of doing either and he was the magic user of the
group.  He didn't even know what the power levels involved in such
abilities was,

were

Yup.

The first attack had been a complete surprise.  One instant the road
ahead of them was clear, the next they were blocked by a woman and a
fireball was streaking towards him.  He managed to bring an arm up to
shield himself before it hit, but it still knocked him to the side and
set the sleeve of his shirt on fire as well as

fire, as (I think)

I'm not sure which is right here.  I don't really read it as a pause point
which would cause a comma to be necessary, but I could be reading it wrong.
^_^;

What might work better is 'but it still knocked him to the side, setting the
sleeve of his shirt on fire as well as...' which would break the flow of the
sentance up a bit without placing the comma in such a troublesome (for me,
at least, since I don't tell whether one really belongs there) spot.  What
do you think?

 singing his hair.  The

material of his shirt had melted right into his skin and every time he
moved now he could feel the wet, sticky skin of his burnt forearm
peeling and tugging itself free of the muscles that lie beneath.

Ouch. Very graphic.

I hope this is good.  I like graphic, even though I try to only do it
occasionally.  This is only the third time out of the 300k or so I've
written (yes, not a lot) that I've intentionally written something with the
intent of giving the reader a rather nasty image.  I think it works well for
surprising the reader, but it's not anything I would want to do regularly
over the space of a fic, because then it would either lose the shock value
or turn people off by being too sickening.

What do you think?  Did it work, or was it just somewhat nausiating?

As his brother moved to cover the girls, he began throwing all of the
magic at his disposal towards the cloaked sorceress, ignoring the
apparent futility of his actions as she simply teleported away from each
attack with ease.

Heh. Almost sounds like a female version of Xellos with all the

teleporting.

Teleporting is a neat trick, and I don't think enough fics do it justice.
Somebody that could teleport easily would have a pretty big advantage if
they weren't too predictable about it.

"I don't think so," said the woman's voice.  He twisted about in fear,
looking towards the sky to see her trace a circle in the air before her,
a trail of black fire following her extended finger's motions.  When the
circle was complete a loud crackling noise became audible, sparks of
lightning flaring about the rim of fire.  He didn't know how she'd done
it, but inside the circle was a sky of a different color, and a valley
of strange lakes was visible through it.

Jusenkyou

Of course!

First he felt disbelief, his mind insisting that it wasn't possible, it
couldn't have happened.  His brother hadn't just been sent through some
kind of weird portal to another place, possibly to his death.
Impossible.

As he stared at the empty patch of land, however, his feelings changed.
It was possible.  It had happened.  His brother was gone, and without
knowing magic he

magic, he (I think)

I'm pretty sure this doesn't need a comma, actually.  I admit that I'm not
exactly an expert on the rules of comma usage, though.  It's not a spot
where I would pause while reading it out loud, I'm quite sure of that, but I
don't know if there are any other reasons why there would be a comma needed
here.

Ranma and Happousai both sat in the back yard of the Tendou home, mouths
open wide in astonishment, although at different things, to be sure.
The old man's eyes were filled with tears of pride and happiness, his
joy readily apparent.  Ranma's eyes were just full of stunned
incomprehension.

Not all that unfamiliar a condition for him.

Perhaps.  It seems more a fic cliche than something present in the manga,
though.

Heh. Sorceror Hunters. Cute, but where's Gataeu?

...who is Gataeu?  I really need to get the anime.  It's on only four dvds,
too!  If only I had money! >_<

Author notes:  Did anybody not see this coming?

I kind of did.

I'm glad it wasn't too obvious, even if there was a sense of where things
were heading.

So, this is my attempt to answer how the spring that Pantyhose Taro was
dunked into was created.  Carrot's monster form looks quite a bit like
Taro's,

A bit, but it's not that far from a standard giant monster with horns

thing.

True, but I can just SEE this happening.  Carrot dropping out of the sky,
the guide frowning for a moment in thought, and then writing down that some
wierd group of animals fell into the pool together.  It just fits right for
me. :)

Amusing. Flowed nice and I saw very little in the way of mistakes.

Heh.  Great.  It's nice to know that my first completed fic (it's a spamfic
though, so I'm not sure whether I need to count it as such) turned out well
enough that only a few errors were noticed, even if it was fairly short.

Now i just need to finish some of my other stuff and post it, too ^_^;

Thanks for commenting.

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