Hiya,

I was going to comment on an earlier chapter (part twelve, I think), and in the time it took me to get around to it you managed to pop out two more chapters; and now that I've finally got around to this one, you've released two more!  I think this says something about my writing speed--and I envy you, yours.

As always, take anything I say with a grain of salt--heck, it's probably best ignored, even.  Especially for this fic, since I've got really mixed feelings about it.  Some parts I really like; others... less so.

Also, you said that you'd already done a revision, so here's hoping none of this is redundant....

    Ranma winced at her mother's words. A traning trip? And she

spelling: 'training' trip.

    "Unfortuneately, I have to attend a funeral. It's in San

spelling: 'unfortunately'

    "San Francisco?" Akane asked. "In America?"

SOUN: Yup.
NABIKI: What's his name?
SOUN: Mr Machina.
NABIKI: Deus Ex?
SOUN: Yup.
NABIKI: (licking her lips hungrily) Convenient, that.

Er, well... yeah.  It's a bit convenient, and slightly heavy-handed, it seems.  The whole status of Soun's teaching has always been a bit cloudy, and him zipping off to America for a few weeks seems even more unlikely, and just a bit dodgy.  From the chapters that follow, there's nothing that happens that really requires him to even be gone (he's pretty clueless, anyway, and could probably just as easily be off drinking with old buddies during the necessary scenes); or if he really needs to be gone, there's easier to swollow methods, it seems to me....

    "Of course you can, Daddy!" Nabiki assured him. Ranma
couldn't help but notice that the girl had her fingers crossed
behind her back.

Cute, but not a gesture the Japanese use....

    Ranma very nearly fell over. "What's that supposed to
mean?!"

Double punctuation.  (Yeah, I know, a source of conflict on the FFML.  I styill maintain double punctuation is grammatically wrong.)

    Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Lovely. A house full of giggling
eighth-graders. Y'know," he mused, gazing up at the ceiling.
"Ryouko-chan's pretty cute, even if she is an eighth-grader."

An eight-grader would be a junior high second-grader in Japan.

    "Don't even think it, Dai," Hiroshi said, brandishing his
okonomiyaki sauce-smeared knife. "If you so much as lay a finger on
my little sister..."

No knives for okonomiyaki.  Chopsticks to eat, a brush for laying on the sauce, small spatulas for flipping the thing...

Actually, I guess that's one minor issue--the use of Japanese flavour in the fic.  Personally, I don't really care all that much about how culturally accurate a piece of fanfiction is.  Though the stories take place in Japan (obviously) and have their roots in japanese animation, these stories are mostly written by Westerners for a western audience.  When trying to make a certain emotional point
or trying to get a specific scene across, it just makes sense to use imagery and expressions that are relevant and real to your audience, no?

At the same time, this story does take efforts to create a 'Japanese' atmosphere, but it is a bit inconsistent at times.  Some events, like some of the sleepovers and nights out, strike me as very Western--but that's really minor, since they're major points for those individual chapters.  But in those situations, some of the smaller details--like the okonomiyaki above, should be kept accurate.  In my opinion, it's in the small details, presented unobtrusively, that the cultural flavour really comes through.

    "Like maybe a few bottles of my grandfather's 'medicinal'
sake?" Daisuke suggested quietly.

Just as an aside, it would be unfortunately easy for a bunch of teens to get alcohol for a party.  None of this 'getting the older brother to buy it' stuff, that's such a ritual for North American high school parties.  The drinking age in japan is 20, but I wouldn't be surprised if a convenience store would still sell minors booze; and even if they didn't, they could just swing by a vending machine and buy their beer and sake there.

    Across the room, Ukyou paused for a second as she scraped

    Ranma was tempted. Just as soon as the adults had taken off,
things had gotten downright weird around the Tendou Dojo. Akane was
stepping around Ranma as if the redhead was going to attack her.
Nabiki had made a phone call, evidently intent on having a get-
together of some kind while her father was gone, but started
storming around the house angrily when it became apparent that
whomever she had called could not attend.

This is actually one of my favourite sub-plots in the story, and (in my opinion) the most deftly handled one.  Kudos on that.

They had gotten better
lately simply because Ranma had spent so much time as a girl, but
she didn't know if she wanted to put herself in a position where
anything could happen in the dark of night...

    Especially if she wasn't sure she could bring herself to say
'no' if anything did start to happen.

Right.  This is probably the biggest issue I have with the story.  I mean, there's a lot I like about newRanma.  The writing is strong, crisp, and concise.  Many of the scenes capture the intended flavor perfectly: some of the party scenes conjure up images that strike the reader as being perfectly real and honest--independent of any cultural seasoning, the reader can easily identify with what's happening, because many of us have been in similar situations.  You capture these snippets of life with deft skill, and the prose presents it smoothly.

However, underscoring and occasionally ruining all this for me, is the single most important element of the story: Ranma himself.  A lot of his characterization is excellent, as is his contemplation of his situation, and... damn, I have to go.  Back in a bit.

Right.  Where was I.  Umm... yeah, Ranma.  Well handled.  I also understand the main thrust of the plot--the operation on his head requiring him stuck as a girl, and the character stuff that arised out of both 1-being stuck as a girl for so long and, 2-the 'release' of his normal sexual urges, especially while stuck as a girl.  Obviously, this is not only going to open up some, er, fertile story possibilities, but some very serious ones as well.

However, I find some of the ground the story strays into to be not only a bit dubious, but actually frightening at times, and this taints the way I view the entire story.  Specifically. the way Ranma continuously reacts to the sexual possibilities surrounding him strikes me as dangerously unrealistic and, at times, wildly out of character.

I know that an underpinning of the story is that, with these newfound urges suddenly released, his mental condition is pinging around like a hyperkinetic pachinko ball.  Fair enough.  But some of his reactions--especially in these later chapters, when he's had, what, nine or ten weeks to adjust--make me think more of fanservice as opposed to responsible fanfiction.

Specific criticisms?  Well, some of the details of earlier chapters are a bit hazy now, but I remember one of the first scenes that had me doubting the fic.  Ranma was at his psychiatrist's office, before the guy got shot.  He was complaining about his, ah, recurring parental rape dreams.  His doctor assures him that it's a perfectly normal thing and nothing to worry about.

Excuse me?

Time for a second opinion, methinks.  As horrible as it sounds, maybe that nutter father had some serious justifications underlying his psychosis when he came gunning for the doctor.  I'd seriously doubt the credibility of any doctor telling me that recurring rape dreams of _any_ kind is perfectly normal.  Sexual dreams?  Yup, normal.  A rape dream?  Unpleasant, but possible and normal enough.  Recurring nightly dreams of having your cursed body violated by your father?  Um, no--as South Park would put it, "That's some seriously fucked up shit right here, dude."

And this kind of dodgy realism occurs more than once.  Mostly I think it's mainly owing to either an over-zealousness or over-shooting in an effort to show a grittier, more realistic world.  I can't complain about the insertion of 'reality' into something as lighthearted as Ranma; I always do it myself. And, admittedly, what I take as being exageration is tainted by my own worldview.  But there remains parts of the story that strike me as either blantantly over-the-top, or disturbingly exaggerated.

When I say disturbing, I mean stuff like the rape dreams mentioned, and,

    Especially if she wasn't sure she could bring herself to say
'no' if anything did start to happen.

Sexual passions are strong, yes, and poor Ranma's still trying to get a hold of them, true, but Ranma as consistantly presented in this fic is gunning for a rape scene--one in which he wouldn't even realize he was being raped.  For a story that's seriously trying to deal with issue of male/female sexuality and the serious consequences that arise from it; and also delves into the more (ir)rational and emotional aspects of the subject, such as love and fetishes--well, it's strikes me as terribly irresponsible to have such a nympho Ranma docilely succumbing to every come-on and pass thrown his way, wetting himself everytime he spot an ass in a tight skirt.  As mentioned above, it reeks more of fanservice than anything else; it also refuses to apply the mental aspect of sexuality--which is explored in other parts of the fic--to Ranma himself.

Ignoring some of the fanfic cliches that unfortunately pops up throughout the fic--I mean, really, how much fluid can this guy squeeze out when he gets excited?--it runs contrary to Ranma's character (in my opinion) for him to be so damn passive everytime he's presented with sexual imagery.  I could accept it in the immediate aftermath of the operation--in fact, it made perfect sense for him to be that way, and was a vital aspect of the plot.  But for him to be just as jittery and helpless after weeks of coping and (dodgy) psychiatrict help--well, it's simply annoying, since it suggests a lack of growth in Ranma's character, and in a character-driven story, if the protagonist doesn't evolve, well, why are we still reading the story twelve chapters later (other than to get our thrills out of watching Ranma almost have hot lesbo sex?)

I find this annoying passivity to hit its climax later in this chapter, and I'll take that up then.  Sorry if the above seems harsh at all--like I said, I _do_ like the fic, a lot (well, I wouldn't be reading it if I didn't, and I certainly wouldn't be writing to this length if I hated it)--but I really do find that this one aspect of the story is a serious issue.

her Utena tankouban for the fifth time. Unfortuneately she couldn't

spelling: unfortunately

    Akane actually yelped as Ranma opened her door, and quickly
thrust whatever she had been reading under her pillow.
    "Akane?"
    "It's not under my bed!" Akane said quickly.
    "Why would it be under your bed?" Ranma asked, unsure of
what Akane meant.
    "Nothing's under my bed!" Akane countered.
    "Akane?"
    "Don't you ever knock, Ranma?!" the dark-haired girl yelled
angrily.
    "Jeez, Akane! What's the deal? Have you or have you not seen
my Utena tankouban?"
    "Oh, that? I got it from Nabiki yesterday." Akane gestured
to her dresser, where the book in question was lying on top of a
stack of some of Nabiki's shoujo manga. Ranma couldn't help but
notice that many of the titles in the stack were some of the more
racy stories Ranma had heard of. She glanced curiously at Akane, who
was staring back at Ranma with a challenging expression.
    "Thanks," Ranma said, stepping out of the room. "Geez, I
should have gone to Hiroshi's house," she muttered. "At least I'd
understand what was going on."

Oh, naughty Akane!  Stuff like this, I find great.  Some of the Akane stuff, as she tries to come to terms with her own 'pervertedness' is good.  Poor girl.

    Giving her hair and makeup one last breif glance before she

spelling: brief

walked out of Ucchan's, Ukyou pulled a long coat over her shoulders
and began to make the short walk to Hiroshi's house, which was on
the other side of Furinkan High.

Incidentally, his home could be anywhere in Tokyo.  In North America, the high school you attend is usually determined by geographic proximity (I think); but in Japan it's based entirely on which entrance tests you pass, on your academic level.  These poor kids, some of them travel a good hour or two to get to school every morning.

Which doesn't mean, of course, that Hiroshi can't be living a block away from the school....

strap on one high-heeled shoe. She picked up grocery sack she had

'She picked up _the_ grocery sack...'

    "Good point," Daisuke seconded. "Ukyou can be, well,
tempremental. I wouldn't say anything about this," he hinted to the

spelling: tempermental (um, I think).

    After a few minutes, the game was set up and ready to go.

[snip]

Oriental avenue. Ranma glanced down, not beleiving her luck. Kasumi

spelling: believing

had just put Oriental back in the bank, and Ranma had both the other

[snip]

to win! She grinned madly at both the other girls.

'madly' sounds a bit odd.  Wildly?  Just 'grinned'?  Dunno.

[snip]
Wow.  Taking me longer than I thought.  Lunch break.

Right.  The following is both the strongest and most upseting scene in this chapter, in my opinion.  That's why I'm ambivalent to the prevous stuff.  The games sets up the upcoming conflict; but I'm not sure if it's a bit long.  I mean, a play-by-play of _Monopoly_?

    "Damn."
    "But," Nabiki said, "I think you may have an alternative."
    "Oh?"
    "Yes. I think that maybe, if you're lucky, Akane will let
you slide on that rent payment if you give her a kiss." Nabiki's
eyes were wide, and full of mischeif. Her lips were pursed.
    Akane's eyes widened in shock at Nabiki's statement. She
blushed and began to stammer.
    "Really?" Ranma asked, unsure of Nabiki's words. She was
certain that Nabiki was teasing her, but wasn't sure how. Did Nabiki
think that Akane really wanted Ranma to kiss her?
    "No!" Akane shouted. "We're both girls! I can't kiss another
girl!"
    "Ranma doesn't seem to think so. Do you, Ranma?"
    Ranma began to stammer, now certain that this was a trap.
She wanted to kiss Akane, but the girl's face was contorted in fear
and embarassment.
    "Ranma is your fiancee, Akane," Nabiki said in a teasing
tone. "Shouldn't you be able to kiss the person your going to

spelling: you're

marry?"
    "It's not like that!"
    "Oh?"
    Ranma was about to say something, but Nabiki held up her
hand to silence her.
    "What is it, Akane?" she asked, an evil, sadistic smile on
her face. "Are you afraid of something? Admitting something maybe?
Maybe you want to kiss Ranma, but don't want her to think that you
like kissing girls. Hmm?"
    "Shut up, Nabiki!" Ranma yelled.
    "If he's really a guy, Akane, why do you have any problem
kissing him?" Nabiki pressed. "You do you like boys, don't you?"
    "OF COURSE, I LIKE BOYS!" Akane shouted.
    "Well, you say you do, but you've been engaged for a year
and I bet you've never once kissed your fiancee. Has she, Ranma?"
    Ranma was silent, but she was certain that the chagrined
expression on her face answered Nabiki's question.
    Akane was standing now. Her fists were clenched in anger,
but there was a panicked, horrified look on her face.
    "How long is Ranma supposed to wait, Akane?" Nabiki said in
a calm, rational tone. "Would Shampoo or Ukyou hesitate to kiss him,
even if he is a girl?"
    "Nabiki..." Ranma interrupted.
    "I bet they wouldn't, would they, Akane? Don't you want to
kiss your fiancee?"
    There were tears standing in the corners of Akane's eyes,
and she was visibly shaking.
    "Nabiki, you should stop," Ranma urged her. "This is mean."
    "It's not mean, Ranma. It's the truth. Isn't it, Akane? How
about this-- I'll give you a more immediate scenario. If you don't
kiss Ranma to end the game, I'll kiss him instead and win."
    "What?!" Ranma shouted.
    Akane was frozen. So was Ranma for that matter. Sitting
stock-still, she had absolutely no defense to offer when Nabiki
leaned over and pressed her lips to Ranma's.

Right.  I didn't cut any from the above because, wow, it's a great scene with loads happening.  Nabiki's the strongest character here, of course.  Akane's negligible--heck, in this and the next three chapters, she might as well be dead, since she doesn't do anything and hardly makes an appearance--which is unfortunate in my opinion.  But I stray.

There's great character stuff happening.  What you've done with Nabiki's character is fantastic, and has the potentional for some fascinating development later.  Owing to some great, subtle changes in the middle sister over the last few chapters, we're given an intense struggle here.  What starts off as innocent teasing between sisters turns mean, quick (I'm an only child myself, but from what I've seen and been told, such nastiness is often far too possible; smacks of reality to me, anyway).  Why?  Seems to me that Nabiki's dealing with her own issues, venomously spitting her own insecurities at Akane.  Ranma's an easy playing piece, and an added weapon to use against her sister.  I don't know why Nabiki would suddenly want to savage her sister so, but I can easily believe it--it can easily be an offshoot of her own issues.  Maybe feeling guilty of perversion, she want everybody else to be guilty of the same weakness--then it becomes more normal and acceptable, right?  Or maybe Akane's lack of such feelings infuriates her, and she unconsciously feels the need to lash out at that.  Either way... powerful stuff.

Ranma's view of the exchange keeps it quick and powerful, and his simple interjections are appropriate and effective.  Akane is defensive and soft, but it fits--while she's not a weak character, she's rubbish at open discussions of emotions and sexuality.  Besides, she's been doing naughty things all night and probably feels a bit guilty as it is.  Her frustrated paralysis is excellent, torn between wanting to kiss her fiance, not able to get around the same-sex physicality of it--personally, I think it's nice to see an Akane who's not spread-leg eager to join in a lesbian orgy, for once.

So: Nabiki's nasty, Akane's confused, and Ranma is... <sigh>.  Passive.

    The redhead's eyes were wide with horror, but her mouth
opened almost of its own volition when she felt Nabiki's toungue
probing against her lips. Nabiki's mouth moved against hers. She
could feel Nabiki's hand trailing up her back and Nabiki's fingers
tangling themselves in her short hair. She could feel Nabiki's other
hand on her cheek.
    Ranma heard a quiet moan, and realized it came from her own
throat.
    Dimly, as the world turned pink and hazy around her, Ranma
heard Akane's footsteps as the girl ran from the room. She had a
hard time thinking about anything but the way Nabiki's toungue felt
as it slid across the roof of her mouth.
    After a few seconds, realizing that her own arms were
wrapped around Nabiki's back, and that she was kissing back almost
as forcefully as Nabiki was.

Yeah, sure, whatever.  Maybe blitzed off a twelve-pack--even then, I'm not inclined to be very understanding of people who suddenly 'cut loose' just because they're drunk.  That Ranma could be so passively incapable of any form of resistance is annoying enough in itself; that he could act in such a way immediately after what's just happened between Nabiki and Akane cuts the legs out for the entire scene--hell, maybe the entire chapter--for me.

There's just so much on the line here, and the guy can't hold it together for more than a second?  Forget the over-romanticising of a kiss--I mean, really, a pink haze?--it's just such a crummy way to act, especially in front of his fiance, especially after that prior powerful scene between him and her in the shower, that I can't imagine why I'd want to read about this guy anymore.

Worse, the consequences that follow are laughably negligible.  In the chapters that come, it all but disappears!  Akane should by all means be utterly furious, and despite her amazing ability to forgive, this is ample grounds to dump wet-noodle Ranma on his ass, annule the engagement, and beat the crap out of her nasty sister.  Instead, as I remember, we get a paragraph saying that over a space of a few days, she calmed down.  Sure.  Worse, in the most recent chapter he _again_ gives in to Nabiki.  Sure, he manages to get a polka-dot panty flashback and break away, but only after some serious snogging and a little fingering.  I dunno, sounds like a major case of unfaithfullness to me--a guy this easily tempted, Akane probably should just forget about and look elsewhere.

Yes, I realize I'm ranting a bit here.  I'm even reducing it to a bit of a characterization issue, which is pointless ground to base a fanfic argument on.  But the fic thusfar has suggested that there is the possibility of serious feelings between Ranma and Akane, and here suddenly runs contrary to it all.  He's done some dubious stuff previously, going weak-kneed at every tight skirt and broad masculine chest he's seen so far, and spending his time as a gooey mess; but at least those were all purely physical scenes.  This scene, however, quite flatly states that physical urges are far more important than any mental component, and that love and morality can take a flying leap in the face of a hard-on.  <shrug>  Well, maybe, though I don't think that that's reality in the least; and more importantly, the consequence of his (in)action is that Ranma suddenly becomes a far less interesting character... and an unsympathetic one as well.

Oh well. If you liked my story, let me know!

I do.  No, really!  I wouldn't rant about it if I didn't, nor spend hours writing C&C of it.  I don't actually expect any changes in the story, either--especially since C&C of chapter thirteen when chapter fifteen has just been released is probably borderline useless.  At the end of the day, what's my opinion really worth, anyway?--it's _your_ story after all.

Still, I find it disappointing that Ranma's always such a slave to his body throughout the story.  In a fic that consistantly fuses Ranma 1/2 with realism, it's the single most unrealistic element that stands out.  Yes, worldview again, but if we were all such slaves to our genitals, the world would be nothing more than a continuous ongoing orgy--which I'm pretty sure it isn't.  It'd be nice to see Ranma grow a bit of a sexual backbone; offer some strong reactions to those coming on to him; take some responsibility for what's happening to him; and finally break away from the disturbing near-rape scenarios.

Well, for what it's worth....  I hope none of this was too harsh or anything....

-Mike Noakes
noakes_m@hotmail.com
www.geocities.com/noakes_m

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