Comments@@
This is simply my opinion. 
If it's helpful, that's good.
If it's not, the [delete] key is your friend. ^_^


Reply-to:
         krislenz@tampabay.rr.com
   From:
         "Sera Luanma" <seiyalover12@hotmail.com> |
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      To:
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  Subject:
         [FFML] [Ranma][Possible X-over][Dark]
Waterfall Of Blood Ch. 1
    Date:
         Thu, 11 Oct 2001 20:02:05 +0000


@@Disclaimer?


What happens when the Lord of Darkness finds out his
favorite pawn is 
reborn? Makes a visit of course! He has set the board
for a new game, and 
waits for Kami-sama to make a move. Calling upon a
retired demon slayer, 
fallen angel, lamia, and a human who has no idea of
the power she wields. 
What happens when all this goes after Ranma? Why, sex,
blood, death, and 
destruction. But, as more and more is revealed, are
they so sure they want 
to do this? A universe based on lies awaits
saving...and the truth is the 
one thing that will destroy it all.


@@IMO? You should have quit after the second sentence.

EXAMPLE:
What happens when the Lord of Darkness finds out his
favorite pawn is reborn? Makes a visit of course!


@@The rest is overkill. Don't tell the reader what is
going to happen.
Let the story speak for itself. Actually I'd leave
this out entirely. Don't tell readers what the story
is about.The story should speak for itself.
@@@@


------------


Do you believe in things that go bump in the night?
Of hidden figures taunting the edge of your vision,
to disappear when the head is turned? You should...
If you want to live very long. You see, we can probe
your mind, innermost thought lay before us like an
open book; nothing hidden, nothing escaping the
intensity of our dark gaze. We can burn out your
brain,
set bodies on fire, both desire and pain heeding our
call. We are the Night, the Death...The Blood. And
maybe, just maybe, you might begin to believe. Just
pray that it's not too late.

You should listen to us, for Ranma didn't. And look
where that got him now...

@@Eeeeeep. Don't bludgeon the reader with all this. 
And SHOW, don't tell.
It's a bad idea to give a synopsis of the story. Let
the
story unfold naturally and let the reader decide.
---------------

Waterfalls of Blood
A Sera Luanma Production
Disclaimer: Don't own it, any of it.

@@The �Disclaimer' gives credit to the
original author for their hard work
and genius and, IMO, specific credit
by name should never be omitted.

Chapter 1 - Return to the Night

---------------

It crept around him, seeping into corners and
following
the seams of the walls, creeping across the ceiling
and dripping down in thick clumps, a grim parody of
blood. Soon, utter darkness encased the room, allowing
no light in and no soul to escape. It curled in and
around itself as it slunk further into the room, soft
sliding sounds the only indication the blackness
wasn't
typical twilight shadows. And then, all movement
ceased,
only a small circle of shadowy light surrounded the
futon
and the figure in martial artist's stance at the
center.

@@Not bad. It would have been better if not
for all the �foreshadowing' in your �prologue'.
IMO you might want to take the prologue and
this bit and combine them, then edit it to about
half the length of the preceding paragraph. It's 
all good stuff, just too much of everything.
@@@@

EXAMPLE::
	Shadows of the wolf sun crept around the room,
like a lie pretending to be truth. Rotten clumps
of shadow fell to the floor like clotted blood,
surrounding the only human thing that remained.

@@Now this is certainly not the best or only way to 
do this.  It's more than a little overblown and I'd
probably
trim it even more. {BTW, �wolf sun' is an archaic
expression for the �moon'. }
The _critical_ thing is that it's short! Just enough
to set-up the atmosphere. More can be added as the
scene progresses.







Ranma was confused, only a few moments ago, his room
had
been filled with a rosy orange glow as the sun sunk
low
into the horizon, sliding down into the depths of the
sea, only a few golden tendrils left as it fell of the
edge. And within a few seconds, those two had faded,
leaving a slowly emerging evening to sweep over the
Land
of the Rising Sun. But now, pools of ebony ink called
his name in sibilant hisses, whispering things in a
language millennia-dead on Earth. He watched in
trepidation
as small tendrils of midnight felt along the floor in
a
path leading directly to his futon.

@@Again, good stuff, but too much of a good
thing. ^_^ {you may have noticed that I have
a preference for �shorter is better' style
of writing. } HOWEVER, this is a 
very personal preference, and other
readers will enjoy a more lengthy
descriptive passage.
@@

|A martial artist does not fear...a martial artist
does
not fear...a martial artist does not fear...|The
mantra
was repeated continuously in Ranma's mind as he closed
his
eyes for a brief moment while thinking about the ocean
and it's warm glow of a few minutes back. They flew
open
when one of the tendrils crept up his leg and twined
around his upper thigh. It was all Ranma could do not
to cry out, the others touching his legs and ankles in
ways that reminded him of soft cat paws...Until they
bit
into his skin with unseen teeth.

@@VERY good. Length, timing, all good.
@@@@

"Oh kami-sama, no!" He cried as he went to grasp the
one
on his thigh and fling it away. Ranma gripped it in
his
right hand and tugged, wincing as the teeth held fast
into his skin. |This is going to hurt like a bitch.|
He
thought as he gave a strong jerk and nearly fell to
his
knees when he hurtled it back into the shadows,
crushing
the ones at his heels as they too continued to bite
down.
Ranma felt at the tattered mess that was left of his
black pants and the bleeding skin beneath. He took a
deep breath and pushed his chi to the top layer of
skin,
sighing in relief as the glow suffused him and the
shadows
drew back. The hissing intensified and then all was
silent
when a figure parted from the shadows, clothed in
robes
that were total absence of light.

@@Now the pace has slowed again. A little editing will
make a difference.
EXAMPLE::

	"No!" He screamed as he ripped one tendril free.
Ranma grabbed another, flinching as unseen teeth held
fast into his skin.
|This is going to hurt like a bitch.| He thought
tearing the thing loose in a spray of blood and
throwing it back into the shadows.

@@The basic changes here are:
1)Using more graphic descriptors: He cried = He
screamed
                                                      
 tugged = ripped
                                                      
 strong jerk = tearing

2) Make it more immediate and active. 
Instead of:
"He cried as he went to grasp . . ." >> "Ranma
screamed as he ripped . . ."
@@@@
<SNIP>

::Oh, but I am. I could lay you bare and read your
life,
your fantasies...your deepest desires. Then I could
burn
you from your body, leaving an empty shell of a
creature.
You would be my plaything. What could you possibly say
to
that, young one?::

"I'd say you were full of shit." Ranma stated, for
once
scared out of his mind. Even battling Saffron, he
hadn't
felt this terrified. But the entity wasn't a
self-proclaimed
god...He was Master of Darkness himself.

@@Very nice. Good by-play between Ranma & the "Master"
but might benefit for some minor editing. 

EXAMPLE::

	::Oh, but I am. I can lay you bare,  read your life,
your fantasies...your darkest desires. Then  burn
your soul from your body, leaving an empty shell.
You would be my plaything. What do say to
that, young one?::

"I say you're full of shit." Ranma snarled, really
frightened
for the first time in his life. Even Saffron, and
Akane dying hadn't
terrified him like this.
@@@@

@@Again, make it more immediate, more first person.



There was a brief flare from inside the robes and a
horrible
growling filled the room. It took a moment for Ranma
to
realize it was laughter. ::Spunk, just as I remember
Miquizteli. But be careful what you say, impudence is
not
smart in my presence.::

@@Ummm . . .regarding names . . .
I think "Miquizteli" is too long and soft (too many
syllables)
A good villainous name should be short and full of
�hard' sounds.
This one reminded me of that character from Superman,
which destroyed the mood. ^_* I'm not sure what you
want to do with the characters, but one possibility is
to search through the various pantheons and choose
some actual
character, Aztec, Hindu, Norse, etc. You can mix and
match as well, depending upon who the "Master" is
supposed to be and who Ranma was.

http://www.koausa.org/Gods/God3.html

http://www.digiserve.com/mystic/Hindu/glossary.html
http://www.angelfire.com/ca/humanorigins/religion.html
http://www.wizardrealm.com/norse/gods.html




<SNIP>

Overall, very interesting.
Some very nice pieces of description and
dialogue.
Mostly needs some editing to tighten
things up. Make things more immediate,
SHOW rather than tell and change some
of your descriptors to better fit the scene.


 


=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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