Ginrai wrote:

Finally up to C&C'ing this fic.

    Oh. My. Goddess.

Hope it'll get the fic some well-deserved attention.

    Sorry. Having a coronary -- thought everyone forgot that this fic had ever been written. O_O

You might also want to start posting the other chapters of the fic starting from chapter 2.  Maybe post one chapter a week with each part on a different day?

    Ah... If people would like that, perhaps... it _is_ a project I'll confess that I adore. But then, it's my first fanfic, too. ^_^

    Attempt at a fanfic, anyway.

Afterall, there are people who like this series as much as, if not more than, your others ^_^

    Now I _know_ you're lying. ;)

The Unbroken Circle: Chapter one

Fukanshou / Kanshou

Which means: Nonintervention / Intervention

Probably describing Chame's actions when arriving at Nerima.

    And to a certain degree, her father, though that's one of those vaguaries that doesn't become clear until much later.

This is a fic based on Ranma and the gang that takes place about the
middle of the series. It's more of an altaverse fic than anything else,
but... Here's the run-down: Ryugenzawa happened, but Herb has not.

Was it Herb arc first in the manga?  Not really sure...

    Herb, Hinako, Ryugenzawa. If I remember correctly.

Nodoka does not know that Ranma and 'Ranko' are the same person, but
she has visited the Tendos and met 'Ranko'. Otherwise... it's sticking
pretty closely to manga events. Except... I'm keeping the anime hair

I'm sure Nodoka didn't know that during the middle of the series.  So that's no different from the manga.

    Nope.

colors. I love the hair colors.

Don't we all? ^_^

    All of the sane ones, yes. ;)

The dream again. Always the same, never revealing the secrets it held

'That dream' - I think

    Either or -- your suggestion is probably superior, though.

before waking. He was in the dragon's mouth. No, _she_ was in the
dragon's mouth again. There was surprise, but no fear, and a certain
sense of calmness. The inevitable was coming, as the teeth drew
together, shutting out the light. The end would come soon.

Ranma's having a flashback of the fight with the Orochi?  So something important happened during that fight...

    Which is references in chapter 6 or 7, yes.

He shook his head, lying back down again. "Nothing, Chame... just a bad
dream, I guess."

Chame (patting Ranma on the hand): If there's any consolation, I didn't think it was as bad as it could have been.
Ranma: ...

    ...

    There are no words.

She nodded, and mumbled, "Okay... try and get some rest. Ryugenzawa is
really close. You'll need your strength."

Probably had the flashback since he's near the place where it resides.

    Yeah, a hint to the lead-in with the N'Dori.

Ranma said nothing, merely staring at the stars and remembering the
events that had led to this.

It's gonna be one of those _LONG_ flashbacks ^_^

    More like that part was a flash-forward. A hint of in media res, though in truth, starting from _that_ point would have been a little too much. So it's designed to (hopefully) grab someone's attention and get them interested enough to read on.

The rain pattered against the roof of the dojo, tapping out a rhythm
that Ranma could almost feel resonating through some inner part of him.
His eyes were unfocused as he woke from his light nap, and stared out
into the yard. Barely recognizable droplets of water streamed past the
open door of the dojo, facing the koi pond. Light spilled from the

'dojo, facing' - Is the comma necessary there?

    I _think_ so.

opening, dimly illuminating a small section of the yard.

Very nice description.

    You're too kind. :p

    It beats the heck out of the original 'It was a dark and stormy night.'

    Ugh. >_<

A figure emerged from the darkness, rain droplets bouncing off a cloak
and giving it a faint, ominous halo.

Ranma: (Removes cloak) Oh... it's just you, Gosunkugi.

    Chame would not be amused, methinks.

Ranma scowled, idly wondering who it was, but decided to say nothing
until he knew more. The figure halted briefly under the dry awning
leading to the door, and began removing its shoes. After that, the
figure set aside a long staff. Ranma stared, gauging. The figure was
bowed low, so he couldn't make out a face, yet. Red hair. A pair of
braids.

Three uses of 'the figure' - suggest changing one.

    Hadn't caught that -- will revise.

Removing her cloak revealed a soaked, red, karate gi. She dropped a
large backpack next to her shoes, and raised an eyebrow expectantly.
Ranma observed that she was smaller than his girl form, as well.
<Probably barely four foot nine inches tall.>

'foot' or 'feet'?

    Ah, I _believe_ either. It's interesting to

I think that's smaller than Ranma's cursed form.

    According to Doug's Ranma Resources (http://www.dougmacd.net/ranma/) onna-Ranma is only 4'11", so yeah. Interesting to note about this paragraph, though, that I no longer use thought quotes, and have switched to the metric system. :p

The girl shook her head, "Broke off in the wind. Mind if I come in?"

'head.'

    Whoops. :p

She glanced back at him, calculating, then smiled disarmingly. "I'm
just passing through. I found the sign and wondered if I could
challenge someone for a place to stay the night, maybe some warm food."

Ranma: And just _why_ does it have to be me?

Chame: (shrugs) Because you're lucky?

    It's DESTINY! (And a hackneyed excuse to kick-start the plot.)

She shook her head, her voice carrying irritation, "No, I will
challenge someone for it. Do you accept?"

Maybe: 'She shook her head and replied,' (?)

At the moment it sounds as if she was talking while shaking her head.

    Point. Will revise.

Ranma grinned, his own tone mocking, "I don't fight girls."

The redhead's eyes narrowed, as she stared at him. "I'm a woman. Not a
girl."

Ranma: (placing hands on Chame's chest) It doesn't look that way to me.

(Ranma gets blasted by an irritated Chame)

    Hah! Well, Chame's a ball of contradictions.

She smiled slowly. "I understand then. I accept your offering, and your
forfeit."

Heh, she knows how to get to Ranma ^_^

    There is a reason for it.

Ranma scowled, sulking. "Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Chame: Actually, you should be glad that I'm not going all-out.

Ranma: That's it!  Bring it on!

    She's got a slight edge. ;)

warily, slipping into a stance that Ranma didn't recognize. He
grimaced, as a stray thought occurred to him, and he asked, "I don't
have to marry you if you win, do I?"

Heh, seems Ranma doesn't want to have more fiancee problems...

    If you were him, would you?

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to hurt you."

Haven't yet learned his lesson to never tell that to a female fighter...

    Heh!

he would have suspected. Much more skilled. <If I can get that staff
away from her, then maybe I can win.>

Big if...

    Well, it's based on the assumption that she's more proficient with a weapon than without (ala Kuno).

He glared again, and leapt towards her, expecting to pass over her
range before she could ready her staff. She dropped the staff before
Ranma reached her, and pivoted on one foot, extending the other to
catch Ranma full in the chest. He staggered again, and fell to the

Might not want to use 'again' for the second time in the paragraph

    Will fix.

I should use a chi attack... She's fighting defensively. No, I don't
need to go all out against her, the tenshin amaguri-ken should get
through.>

'her. The' - Have it start a new sentence.

    What about a semi-colon?

The bolt of force flew out towards the woman, who raised her arms,

Replace one of the two bolt's since they appear close together?

    Will do. I'm not too proud of the prose there. >_<

crying out something Ranma didn't recognize, and then everything turned
black.

Well... he got her attention...

    Yeah, Chame actually made a mistake there.

The woman was peering down at him, in one corner of the dojo. She

Do you mean Ranma's in one corner of the dojo or that Chame is?  If the latter, use 'from one'.

    Right. But it's the former. :)

She shrugged, and explained offhandedly, "A kind of deflector. I sent
the attack back at you, redoubled."

Shows that she knows how to fight and has a lot of experience...

    Runs in the family.

Her braids had slipped over her shoulders, and bobbed as she nodded. "I
am afraid so."

'I'm' - Sounds stilted otherwise.

    I know it's stilted, but it's intentional. Chame's supposed to be somewhat jarring.

Ranma sighed, and headed towards the house. "Yeah, yeah... Follow me."
He led her into the house, motioning her to pick up her pack and shoes

Replace one of the 'her's?

    Done. That should save you up to 25% on heating!

She grinned. "I mostly live on the road, sounds great."

'road. Sounds'

    Will do.

He nodded, and headed into the kitchen. "It'll only take a minute or
two, then." Ranma retrieved some leftover miso soup from the fridge,
and put a large bowl of it in the microwave. <Normally it's a breakfast

put -> placed

    My, picky, aren't you? But that does sound much better. :p

getting through. Hmm... I have to ask her about that.> The microwave
made a piercing wail until he opened its door. He paused after opening
it, hearing a soft thump from the living room.

Ranma: (seeing the body lying prone on the floor) Well... at least no one will know that I lost.

    Hah!

Shaking his head, he brought the bowl to the table. The girl was
holding her head in her hands, wincing and rubbing her temples. Ranma
set the bowl and a spoon in front of her. "You okay?"

She nodded, wiping the wince from her face. "Yeah... I don't like
certain tones, that's all."

Show's that she's not a perfect fighter (later on will show that she's far from perfect) and has certain weaknesses.

    She's got issues. That's the merest hint of the flaw, but I paid (I'll admit) too much attention to the new character, and not enough to the originals, in this story.

Ranma blinked, confused. "Uh... huh. Anyway, dig in."

He probably didn't (or couldn't) believe that after the fight.

    Yeah.

The woman ate in silence, looking at nothing in particular. After an
uncomfortable minute, Ranma turned on the TV. Almost nothing was on at
this hour. He glanced at the clock, seeing that it was already 11:12.

Hmm... not sure if numbers should be used here.

    Yeesh. You're right. It suits my style poorly, at best. How about 'quite late'?

She regarded him levelly for a moment. "You can call me Chame."

Which the readers already knew ^_^

    That's... true.

Ranma blinked. "No last name?" She said nothing. Ranma cleared his
throat, "Right. I'm Ranma. Saotome Ranma."

'throat. "Right.'

    Fixed.

She nodded. "You're pretty good for someone that new to the art."

Ranma stared, wide-eyed. "What do you mean, 'that new'?"

Don't think a comma is necessary after 'mean'

    Right.

Chame frowned, thinking. "I'll tell you. But you must respect my
privacy in this and not tell anyone else."

Ranma blinked again. <Who would know you? You don't even have a last
name!> "Alright, I give you my word of honor as a martial artist."

Surprised he didn't think that she might have faced Happosai or Cologne before.

    It's a big world. :p

Chame frowned thoughtfully. "Happosai, eh? I wonder what he's been up
to. Cologne, too? I've been away too long. I've fought both of them
before."

They'll probably be surprised to see her.

    Bet you a chapter of Crossing the Line they aren't happy about it. :)

Chame glanced up at Ranma sharply. "It's rude to ask a lady her age."

Heh, she's a bit protective of some things...

    Yes, she is.

He eyed her warily, then mumbled, "Depends."

Probaby making sure it won't be a marriage proposal ^_^

    Partially. But generally, when someone comes in, kicks your ass out of the blue, admits to being ages older than she looks, and generally is WEIRD, you're cautious. At least, I am, though most of those people stopped visitng...

Ranma blinked, taken aback. "Ah, right. Lemme think about this, then...
I been practicing martial arts for the last 13 years, and except for
the year in this house, I spent most of my time on the road. Dad
traveled a lot. Learned a lot of techniques. Uh, let's see... I spent a
couple months training in China, recently. For the most part, my life
was actually pretty dull. Not too much excitement."

...

I guess for him, the daily happenings of Nerima would be boring.

    Yes, and (haha) it was my first attempt at a fic. Some of the damage is hard to correct.

He frowned, the admitted, "Well, you're right. Things got a lot more
interesting after those two showed up."

'frowned, then'

    Adjusted.

Chame shrugged, "I fought Cologne once. Only once, and that was
after... well. It was over fifty years ago. That's another story.

Sounds like something important happened between the two of them (possibly a rivalry of sorts).

    Possible, probable. :p

Shiatsu paralysis points. Happosai was much more dangerous. I fought
him a few times. Most fights were draws, but the times I beat him
were... actually, worry about that later."

Wonder what happened...

    We find out later.

Ranma nodded slowly, digesting the information. "Yeah, that works..."
<How old _is_ she?>

Obviously older than you ^_^

    A little, yeah.

His face colored angrily. "Well... I have three, really. First, I have
Akane. Pop said that it was arranged to have me married to her family
first, before I was born. But he engaged me to another girl before I
met Akane. He accepted her dowry, too. Then he... he lost it." Ranma

Chame: What do you mean 'lost'?

Ranma: He used it as firewood.

    They never really go into detail. Would be interesting if Genma had it stowed away in a storage locker somewhere. Hmm...

sighed, troubled, "But he accepted the dowry, so she expects me to
marry her, too."

'sighed, troubled.' - Unless he's sighing while talking.

    Fixed.

"Joketsuzoku?" she asked. He nodded glumly in response. "Beat her in a
fight, did you?"

Twice... I think the Reversal Jewel arc took place before this...

    Crap. Yeah, I messed that one up. It doesn't fit in really well, either. I'm afraid I'm going to have to let that slide, and admit that I made a big boo-boo. >_<

Ranma nodded again, then continued, "Yep. It's an accident, really. Pop
and I kind of... ate the prize at a tournament, and she won, so I
fought her. I figured if I beat her, then the prize would be ours, and
then it would be no harm done." He sighed again. "And then there's

Life ain't that easy...

    Generally trying to kick someone's butt to make your way in life don't work too well.

Ranma: Why, oh why didn't I just marry Kaori and get the hell away from Nerima when I had the chance?!

    Chame: Because she's anime only.

"Ahhh... I see. You have to live with a fiancee you aren't sure you
want to marry."

At the moment it would be the same if he lived with the other girls...

    That's not very evident, but yes.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah... Pop and Mr. Tendo are trying to push us together
a lot."

Maybe change it to:

'are trying hard to push us together.'

    Mmm... okay.

"You live with Happosai?" Ranma nodded, and Chame looked troubled, "I
see. Do you have a history textbook?"

Strange for her to ask that question.  Not sure what she was expecting (and how it deals with living with the Tendous).  Probably will be explained much later I guess...

    You must realize, Chame is a very _strange_ person.

"Yeah, me, Akane, and Nabiki. She's graduating soon."

So you have Nabiki as a senior when Ranma first arrived, when Ranma and the others being in their second (of three) HS year...

    Right. I kinda assumed that Hinako arrived at the begining of a new school year. Not sure that's accurate, really...

Chame murmured something, and stopped to read a particular page. After

'something and stopped' or 'something, stopping to'

    Will revise.

"Just wanted to see something. You'd be surprised how much things
change, no matter how much you try to keep them from it."

Hmm...

    Newbie attempts foreshadowing! Film at eleven!

"You know the saying 'history repeats itself?'"

Sounds like something which happened in the past will happen to Ranma and company...

    See above. :p

Chame shrugged. "Well, it does. I've tried everything to change it, but
it's very hard. Some things changed easily, but almost never the way I
wanted."

So she somehow knows a bit of the future...

    From her father, mostly.

She sighed. "Well, that doesn't matter right now. What does matter is

Though it might later ^_^

    Too true.

The redhead smirked. "No, Ranma, you'd be traveling with me. I doubt
your father has much left to teach you."

Other than the forbidden techniques... though neither here knew about it...

    Chame was making a guess, but compared to Genma's knowledge, she's got a lot more to teach him.

He balked at the prospect. "Well, I don't think my other fiancees would
approve of that. I mean, I don't want 'em angrier at me than they need
to be..."

So Ranma knows it's gonna be more than a month long 'training trip'.

    Even though he doesn't know it, at the same time.

the morning of the next day." A gentle pressure towards his mind met
with a stern resistance, but the redhead continued plying Ranma's mind
carefully, pushing with her own until his began to give.

Ah... so she's sort of forcing his hand...

    She's a bit of a control freak. This ends up working against her, later.

He shook his head. "I don't know..."

Heh, harder than she thought ^_^

    Stubbornness can be a saving grace.

"Wouldn't you like to learn to move as fast as I do?" A little more
pressure, at least enough to make Ranma think that he was making this
choice willingly...

Well, she went to his weakness.  Probably didn't need to force his decision much...

    More than you might expect.

He considered, then nodded. "Yeah, actually, I would like that. But I'm
still not so sure about this... I mean, at least one of my fiancees is
going to insist on coming with me."

If not all.

    ...

    I shudder at the image. I really do.

She frowned. "What could I do to convince you?"

Ranma: Well, you could first stop trying to force me into agreeing with you.

    Hah!

She rolled her eyes at that, holding the pressure steady. "That was
painless. Okay, I promise. Now, I'll go ahead and sleep in the dojo.
Tomorrow, I'll tell your family I was another fiancee abandoned by the
side of the road when you were younger. I'll tell them my family has

Heh, even when he didn't arrange any other marriage, Genma will get accused of it...

    Yep. Cliche as all heck, too.

He returned the nod, and went upstairs, to his room, trying to puzzle
over events, <No matter how this works out, they're going to know that

'over events.'

    Gotcha.

Kasumi woke early the next morning. She yawned, and stretched. Her
alarm had not gone off. She studied it for a moment. It was only two
minutes after it should have gone off anyway. She glanced around the
room. Everything was in place. She retrieved a spare robe and towel

Four sentences starting with 'She' - maybe change one or two.

    Oh, gods above. I just re-read that passage. Eeeeeww...

Kasumi knocked at the door, not expecting a reply, and an unfamiliar
voice called back, "Just a minute!" Chame probed the mind at the door

'Chame' - Have that start a new paragraph.

    Will do.

briefly, <Oops, you weren't supposed to wake up yet... I can still
cover.>

So Chame set off the alarm?

    Turned off. Yes. Remember about her being a control freak?

hair down, still wet. She was wearing a brown skirt with a white
blouse, "Sorry about that, uh... Akane?"

So she didn't do that well with probing her mind...

    No, she's feigning ignorance. Just _knowing_ would set most people's mental alarms.

Kasumi nodded. "Are you one of Ranma's fiancees?"

Heh, after the previous events, should have expected that ^_^

    Well, Shampoo slept with him at one point...

Kasumi paused, studying, <How old is this girl? She looks kind of

'studying.'

    Will use all of these comments, but since it's a common error, not reply. :p

Sort of feel sorry for Genma at the moment ^_^

    I have a little more respect for the character nowadays. ^_^;;;

After toweling herself off, she returned to her room, dressed, and
prepared for another day in the kitchen, cleaning, and so forth.

'cleaning and'

    Are you sure?

She checked again. Nothing was out of place, and everything seemed
clean. She put a finger to her lips, thinking, but couldn't think of
anything to say. Actually she could think of a few things to say, but

'thinking, but unable to say anything.'

    That whole passage is woefully clumsy.

Chame looked surprised briefly. "Oh, right. Um, one each for Ranma,
Akane, Nabiki, me, you, and... Dr. Tofu."

Seems she probed it correctly this time...

    Well, in _theory_ Ranma told her their names. That's the assumption that Kasumi's making at the moment, but she hasn't put their names to faces yet.

"Ranma said you were going to be having lunch with him today, something
about talking about medicine. I thought I could make the two of you a

'something to do with talking about'

    Right.

lunch, so you could spend more time worrying about, um, whatever you're
talking to him about."

'two of you lunch,'

    No, she actually talks like that.

Kasumi nodded slowly, as Chame began preparing breakfast. "Oh. I see."
Kasumi shook her head. "Wait, I don't have time to visit Dr. Tofu
today. I have to go to the grocer."

Forgot rather fast there ^_^

    Right.

The taller girl paused, and protested, "But-"

Heh, Kasumi wants to do some type of work...

    Annoying person shoes up, outdoes her at her job, and seems to have Sinister Plans involving her future. It's a wonder that she doesn't chase the rambunctious redhead out of the house with a broom!

Chame put a finger to Kasumi's lips, and gave her a stern look. "No

'Chame placed'

    Right.

idea, to get you a surprise date with Dr. Tofu. He's not a very open
person, but he does care about you." The truth of the matter was that
it had never occurred to Ranma, but Chame was satisfied that the small
lie would suit her purposes.

So Ranma did tell Chame about what to tell Kasumi?

    No. She's lying through her teeth. She does that a lot.

Giving the     She's also using a common scamming technique -- switch and bait. Giving credit (or blame) to Ranma, and distracting Kasumi from the fact that she knows that stuff in the first place.

Chame looked evasive. "Ah... no. He's not. He's actually much nicer. It

Sounds like she knows him ^_^

    Foreshadowing! How clumsily applied it is...

Kasumi froze, thinking about it, while Chame led her to the table.
Hearing other family members begin shuffling down the stairs, Kasumi
sighed, and whispered, ""I never realized Ranma could be so
thoughtful..."

'"I never' - Had an extra quote in front of it.

    Uh, no it isn't. You just think there is. Really. Yeah, that's it.

Nabiki raised an eyebrow, but served herself anyway. She didn't
normally get up this early, but she was busy today. <If this works, I
might just be able to keep the dojo afloat for a whole year. Then I
won't have to sell pictures to Kuno.> She didn't _dislike_ selling

So Nabiki did something... though she's using the money for the dojo here?

    Look at them cliches fly! But, yes. It becomes clear later.

    As do the repricusions.

pictures of Akane or Ranma's girl form, but really wanted more from her
life than that. She had greater aspirations.

Nabiki: Yup, selling videos of Akane and onna-Ranma.

    Heh!

Chame shrugged, offering a good-natured smile. "I'm Chame. You must be
Akane!"

0 for 2

I wonder if she messed up on purpose...

    Yes.

"Uh, right. Well, I guess you're another fiancee, right?"

Strange how that seems to be everyone's first choice here ^_^

    Chame's naughty with that mind-control. She made me write a bad fanfic! Really!

Chame simpered cutely, and Nabiki felt something in her heart, even

'felt something in her heart' - Doesn't sound right, unless you mean that Nabiki notices something off...

    She does. Nabiki's something of a sensetive. Runs in the blood.

Yup, Chame's screwing with her mind ^_^

    She does that. A lot.

name." She sniffled again, eyes watering. Internally, Chame rolled her
eyes. <This is too damn easy. I expected it to be a lot harder to charm
this one.> "But I heard from Ranma that he already has a fiancee. Well,
more than one, actually. I can't add to his burden, and I have nothing
to offer him that they don't." She sniffled again for good measure,
then sank to her knees, hiding her face in her hands to cover her
smile, and pretending to sob.

'and pretended'

    Righty-o.

Nabiki blinked again, completely bewildered. <This is not normal at
_all_.> She shook her head, wondering what this girl had that let her
through Nabiki's layers of emotional barriers. <I will find out what's
going on here if it's the last thing I do,> Nabiki vowed internally.

At least she knew something was off.

    Chame is not perfect.

Nabiki blinked, "Well, I suppose-" < It _would_ give me a chance to

'<It'

    Gotcha.

Chame repeated her tragic story, hoping to inspire compassion in the
youngest Tendo daughter. She just looked angry, "Damn that Ranma!
Abandoning you like that!"

'looked angry.'

Not the reaction she expected... Did Chame try on Akane what she did to Nabiki and Kasumi?

    Yes, and the reason it failed so badly becomes apparent much later.

Ranma chose that moment to come down the stairs, not hearing anything
but what Akane had said. He replied with an intelligent, "Huh?"
Growling, Akane reached behind her to seize the table.

Guess she did... just that Akane decided to express her concern for Chame through different means...

    In part.

Chame reacted swiftly, interposing herself between Akane and the table,
so that Akane grabbed her arm tightly. Chame screamed in feigned pain,
then pretended to faint.

Most people don't need to pretend in this situation ^_^

    Point.

Ranma sighed, "Jeez, Akane, what did you go and do that for?"

'sighed.' - Unless he's doing that while talking to her.

    He is. :p

Akane snorted, "Ranma's a pervert. A sick and twisted pervert. You can
marry him, for all I care."

Angrier than usual...

    The words you're looking for are, "Rampantly OOC!"

Akane paused at this, and softened a little. "Well... Uh..."

And able to change moods as fast as ever ^_^

    I'm not sure that's QUITE as OOC... Hmm.

Akane blinked, and glanced at the clock. "Uh, well, I guess." She
sighed, grabbed a bento box from the stack in the kitchen and walked
through the door. Ranma scratched his head and shrugged. Nabiki got up
and left for school as well. It didn't occur to any of them why someone
who was only staying one day was already going to school.

That did seem strange ^_^

    Chame: This is not the common sense you are looking for.

Chame slid to a halt, and peeked into the alley. It was empty. She
moved to the next one, and peeked again. Nabiki was conferring with
some smartly dressed gentlemen in low tones not far from her. Chame
scowled. <Too late again? Maybe not.> She listened closely.

So she knew what would happen.

    Well, she stole what information she could from everyone's minds. She _should_ know everything.

Before Nabiki could say anything, Chame swept her off her feet, and
began running again. Chame spoke to Nabiki, her voice somehow not being

'Chame spoke' -> 'She spoke' (?)

    Yes.

gone, and you will belong to them. I'm not talking about owing favors,
I'm talking about living the rest of your life chained to a bed,
running one of their spy outposts. They won't hesitate to sell you like
a pound of beef. Don't screw this up."

Which more than likely Nabiki will...

    *holds up the 'FORESHADOWING!' sign.*

    I give it a 1.2 of a possible 10.

Nabiki had turned white as a sheet. Chame dropped her at a cafe a block
from the school, and tossed someone a few bills to see that she had
coffee and would be pushed towards school before the bell.

The thought of being someone's slave seems to have shook her up pretty badly.

    Yeah. It'd rattle me.

Chame idly wondered if the warning would work, but had to rush to her
next stop. She reached the school gates about a minute before Akane and
Ranma. She had waited for him, apparently. Chame smirked to herself.

That fast?

    Eeeeehh... :p

A large man carrying a bokken slung over one shoulder spied her. "Oh,
it is my pigtailed goddess- But wait! Who are you? You are not my
goddess." The man seemed confused, and eyed her with a determining
gaze.

Saw this one coming ^_^

    It's probably pretty obvious....

wonder...> Then he ran screaming, weeping, and wiping his face
furiously until he slammed into the side of school building. There, he
collapsed into a sitting position and wept, sobbing loudly about how
this new goddess despised him.

That was... different.

    Maybe.

Ranma nodded slowly, turning to Akane. "Did you see that? That was
amazing!" He thought to himself, <Whatever she can teach me on this
training trip is going to be worth it!>

He's impressed because she was able to stop Kunou without fighting?

    He thought it was a special technique.

whispered, and faded from sight. She shook her head, as the teachers'

Something similar to the Umisen-ken?

    Could be, could be...

The Nekohanten wasn't open yet. Chame considered, then decided that
this should be dealt with politely. She sighed, and banged on the door
a few times, loudly, resisting the urge to simply smash the door down.

Heh, probably polite for her with concern to the Joketsuzoku.

    Heh.

Chame nodded. "Thanks." She pushed past him into the restaurant's

So much for being polite...

    She's weak on patience.

Chame fought back the urge to attack the woman. Barely. If the younger

Is this because of Chame's own history with Cologne or because of what happened to her people?

    Both.

Cologne motioned to a seat at the table, forgetting the herbs and
trinkets littering the surface. "Let's talk about this, then. Mousse,
I've already warned you about eavesdropping. Make yourself useful and
make some ramen for us."

'make some' -> 'cook some'

    Er... I like it the way it is, better.

Chame smiled, and took a seat. Shampoo sat to her right, and Cologne to
her left. "I'm not sure I can finish a whole bowl, but thanks. What I
know of so far, ah... Both of the younger Tendo sisters are a risk to
him right now. He's got someone in American organized crime after him,
though they don't know it yet, Kuno is becoming less stable day by day,
and Ryouga has been given something dangerous. The next time they
fight, Ranma will almost definitely die."

I remember when I first read through this (about a year ago ^_^;) I was wondering how she knew all that.  Though a few chapters later it was explained how she realized this...

    :p

Shampoo glared. "Violent girl no good for airen."

'Airen' (?)

    You are correct.

Shampoo handed Chame a glass of water, and she smiled gratefully,

'gracefully.'

    Um... no. It's the word I meant it to be. :p

Shampoo looked after the departing boy thoughtfully.

Guess she didn't expect that.

    Would you?

Chame swirled the water around in the glass idly, then picked up her
thread of speech again, "Kodachi is a slight danger. If she gets to

'again.'

    No, she lead into that quotation.

Chame sighed. "I should have started sooner. I know I can trust you
somewhat, because you want him alive and able to breed. Ukyou's

Breed or as Shampoo's husband?  Or is this something from Chame's PoV (and considering she doesn't like the tribe)?

    The latter.

I've managed so far. I want to get back and keep an eye on Ranma. I've
done what I can, so far. Dr. Tofu should no longer be a danger to Ranma
after this afternoon. I'll have Kasumi take care of that. Nabiki's

Danger in what way?  Accidently injuring Ranma when Kasumi's in the same room?

    Yeah, and I feel really ashamed for including it. >_<

Shampoo spoke after Chame finally gave in, and started eating the
ramen, "What you want with Airen?"

'ramen.' - And who's eating it, Shampoo or Chame?

    Chame. I thought it was obvious... will revise.

Cologne spoke while Shampoo was quiet, "How do you know so much about

'quiet.'

    Not this time. Lead into the quotation with 'Cologne spoke'.

Chame sighed, and pushed her bowl away. "You may not remember, but
we've fought before, earlier this century. More importantly, is the

'More important is the'

    Right.

Chame glared, then snapped out, "That your people wiped mine out. I've

Chame probably wanted to shout this earlier on.

    That'd be very likely, yes.

struggled for all that time, one of the last survivors of an
unrighteous massacre, and now that I've found someone with enough blood
to continue the line, I don't intend to let him die." <There's more to
it than that, but _you_ don't need to know about it.>

Hmm... and what would that be?

    Everything. :)

Shampoo just looked confused, while Cologne stared. Collecting herself,
the old woman asked, "You mean, you are of the Machin?"

First time we hear the name...

    Ah-yep, though it don't get explained until Book Two.

Chame nodded. "Yes. The few that survived the massacre swore someday
we'd see you humbled, but time has done that better than we ever could

This probably makes it even stranger as to why she's asking them for help.  Probably didn't have many available choices.

    Considering who she's up against? No.

Shampoo boggled, and Cologne bowed her head. "I was not proud of all of
our ancestor's actions."

So Cologne feels remorse because of the past.

    More like embarassment. They didn't get much from wiping out the Machin, aside from pissing off the phoenix people and corrupting the Font.

The Machin woman shook her head. "It doesn't matter any more. My people
are three thousand years gone and more. I'm not the only survivor.
There were a few others. Of course, none ever tried to reestablish our
land, but now, I've found someone who does have that potential. Ranma
can bring the strength of our blood back. I don't care who he chooses,
as long as he lives. And I intend to train him in our ways. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I need to remove his existence from certain records,
and make sure nothing happens to him."

So one of her needs in Ranma is to reestablish the Machin?

    She'd like that, yes.

Cologne nodded. "If she asked, then we would have to give him. She's
older than any of our laws, and we owe her people everything. Without
them..." The old woman sighed once more. "Never mind about that now.
Let's get this put away, and prepare for the meeting later."

This part sort of confused me as to Cologne's opinion on this, especially with her later on actions.  So if it was any other Machin asking Cologne, she wouldn't have minded?

    She'd give 'em lip service. They're feared, but not respected.

As Shampoo worked, Cologne turned to look at the empty doorway. <Let
you have him, perhaps. Keeping him is another matter entirely. I
remember you now, you called yourself a different name then... I'll not
let you win this match.>

Seems to be a different reaction from Cologne than earlier.  Was it because she suddenly realized who Chame was and the old grudge (from the previous fight) reappeared?

    The personal grudge is key for Cologne, but the ancestral anger is key for Chame. Ie., Chame hates 'em all, but Cologne mostly just hates her.

Chame stormed off across the street, breathing hard and barely
containing her anger. She needed an outlet. She sighed, and sank to her

Obvious that she can't stand them because of the past.

    Well... yeah.

Chame froze, calculating. When he got closer he would realize his
mistake. <If I hide, for a moment, I can disguise myself...> She darted
into an alley, and quickly re-braided her hair into a single tail. She

So Chame wanted Ryouga to think she was onna-Ranma?

    Yes.

focused herself for a moment, drawing on her resources, to appear a tad
taller, and as an afterthought, reached... _somewhere_... and pulled
her staff out of it.

Something else that I guess will be explained as the fic goes on.

    It does.

She nodded grimly, searching the carefully collected memories. "Yeah,
pig-boy? What's it to ya? You wish your other form was human, too?"

That's crueler than what Ranma usually says, and considering the situation, not the best thing to say.

    She's mad. She can also handle Ryouga (under normal circumstances) pretty easily.

Chame blinked. "Why?"

I'd assume it's because of the weapon he's got...

    Could be, could be...

Chame studied him and the weapon. <What the hell is this? I can't tell

I thought she'd know.

    She SHOULD...

He charged, swinging a haymaker with the fist holding the artifact. She
dove underneath him, sliding between his legs, and spinning over onto
her back. She raised her staff for a vicious strike to his groin, then
pulled her staff against her and rolled back, using the staff to vault
to a standing position behind him. Or at least, that was her intent.
After the strike to his groin, Ryouga had doubled over, and drove his
fist into the ground. The explosion knocked both of them flying.

Not going according to plan...

    Not really, no. :p

Chame raised herself to her feet, unbalanced and wary. <What the hell
_is_ that?> She cursed her sources for not being able to tell her more.

She doesn't know about the Breaking Point?

    Wasn't the breaking point. That was the fiery kind of explosion.

<Whatever it is, it's making him much, _much_ more dangerous than
Ranma's memories of him. Faster, too.> Well, there were a few options.
She hadn't been hit yet, though she suspected her blow didn't do much
aside from angering him.

And cause a huge amount of pain.

    Hehe!

She charged him as he was recovering, and spun the staff around in a
wicked arc. There was a brief crack, as it struck his head and knocked
him across the street into a construction site. The workers milled
around, shouting, and Chame decided that would be a good time to leave.

Saotome School Final Attack ^_^

    She learns from the masters.

01/24/2001

C&C'd: 10/20/2001

    Your turnaround is improving! ;)

    Kidding, kidding...

Nothing big there.  Furo works better.

    Thanks. :p

Finally done! ^_^;

As I've told you before, like this fic a lot and do hope you continue it.  There are a few instances this chapter where it can be seen that this was your first fic written, but nevertheless it's much better than anything I've written early on and those instances lessen as the fic goes on.

    It's less of a fic, and more of a study of my (hopeful) improvement as a writer.

Hope you find this C&C useful.

    Incredably so.

Ginrai

- Who now goes to do some writing.

    Words cannot express my joy at hearing this. No, wait, I know the perfect word.

    WAI! ^_^