Hi,
My comments@@
Take what you find useful,
ignore the rest.
To:
ffml@anifics.com
Date:
Sun, 14 Oct 2001 18:46:43 -0400
Subject:
[FFML] Ranma/SM: Outlaws parts 1 and 2
From:
"Stuart L Slaugh" <ranma_hibiki@juno.com> |
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Book
Outlaws
Disclaimer: you know the drill
@@A proper disclaimer acknowledges the hard work
and genius of the original author(s) and should never
be
omitted.
Chapter 1
It was an early Saturday morning. Saotome
Ranma and Tendo Akane
were sitting on one of the seats of a bus heading for
Juuban to shop.
" Akane, tell me something. Why am I always the person
that you shop
with?" Ranma asked Akane.
"Ranma, trust me, if I could, I wouldn't take you, but
my dad won't let
me go without you, for protection. Ok?"
@@And just how did she go shopping _before_ Ranma?
And of course, in the manga/Anime Akane often goes
places w/o Ranma and with other people. You need to
modify this
just slightly.
"Fine." he grumbled.
" Town of Juuban." The driver said . Akane and Ranma,
along with many
others, got off the train.
A while later, Ranma and Akane were walking over when
they saw a black
and yellow blur try to hit Ranma.
"Prepare to die, Ranma!" the blur shouted.
@@Walking over where?
*** ***
*** ***
Somewhere else in Juuban, Tsukino Usagi was also
doing a bit of
shopping. She was just coming out of a store with a
massive bag full of
clothes, when she saw a familiar young man walking
down the same street
as her.
" Hi Mamo-chan!" she called to her boyfriend.
" Hey Usako! How are ya?" Chiba Mamoru asked.
"Fine. Do you want to do some shopping with me?" The
fifteen-year-old
asked.
"Sure. I saw a new mall. Let's check it out meatball
head." Mamoru
answered.
"Sure, but you better stop calling me that." she
responded. Just as they
started walking they heard a few screams and one voice
shouting. Fearing
that they might have to do a bit of fighting, Mamoru
and Usagi ran over
to the source of the shouts.
"What the... this damage was caused by mere BOYS!"
Usagi shouted out. She
saw two boys just beginning to fight. Then she saw the
reason of the
screams. Apparently, the boys weren't paying much
attention to anything
other than themselves and each other. And there was a
girl shouting at
them.
"Hey, stop it!" the girl shouted.
"Akane, I'd love to, but Ryoga is always attacking
me!" one of the boys
said as he pushed himself off the ground.
@@There are several things I would do differently. I'm
going to do a re-write to demonstrate the _GENERAL_
principles I'm talking about. I'll number the
paragraphs to make it easier to associate with my
comments.
1) A block away Tsukino Usagi was also doing a bit of
shopping. Staggering out of the new Uniglo boutique
with a load of parcels that topped her head. "Just
send the rest to my house," she called over her
shoulder to a dazed clerk.
"Usako?"
2) "Hi, Mamo-chan!" Usagi peeked around her packages
and Mamoru leaped to save the tottering bundles. "Do
you want to go shopping with me?"
"Is there anything left, dumpling head?" Mamoru wiped
his brow as he transferred a hefty stack of packages
from Usagi's arms to his own.
"You are so meaaan!" Usagi stomped her foot,
endangering her remaining stack, "and don't call me
_dumpling head_!"
3) "Why don't I buy you lunch?"
"Can we go to the Neato Natto?" Usaig asked eagerly,
thoughts of a Triple Layer
Screaming-mega-fudge-suicide-by-chocolate Sundae (with
sprinkles) leaving no room for anger.
"Sure," Mamoru took her arm, "and I'll even buy
you----"
4) Terrified screams and the sound of breaking glass
interrupted them.
5) Usagi muttered a word that a well brought up
Japanese girl shouldn't even know and shoved the rest
of her packages into Mamoru's hands, starting her
transformation on the run.
6) "Evil doers who disrupt the Japanese economy by
disturbing peaceful shoppers and keep beautiful young
girls on a date with their boyfriend from a wonderful
chocolate sundae-----" her voice broke in indignation.
"In the name of the Moon I----WILL----PUNISH . .
.you?" She stumbled and would have fallen if a
handsome man in top-hat and tails hadn't caught her.
7) "Where are the youma?" She looked around, seeing
only two high-school boys bouncing around each other,
while a dark-haired girl swung her purse at one of the
boys. "There should be-----" A scowling boy shouted
something and the street exploded. The other boy
snatched the girl into his arms and leapt to a
rooftop. "youma?" she finished weakly.
@@@@
Alright, let's analyze this. First of all, I am NOT
suggesting you should change your story to match this
example, NOR do I suggest this is the only or even the
best way to write this. It is ONLY to illustrate a few
general principles.
1)Rather than "Somewhere" I use "A block away". This
is rather iffy. "Somewhere" is perfectly acceptable. I
think the being more specific, using a street name or
a measurement "A block" helps solidify the scene for
the reader. For the same reason I actually name the
shop. In fact I might even use "live cams", street,
train and bus maps and a real store to develop this
bit. I find this helps me create a more �solid' and
realistic scene.
2)This change is much more subjective. I'm building a
little humor
into the scene and making it more dynamic (the
tottering packages and Mamoru moving to save them) The
[crucial point] is to decide WHY you have this scene
and what you want it to do. Obviously you're
introducing Usagi and Mamoru and placing them near the
site of action. However there are a lot of ways to do
this. They could already be together, Usagi could be
riding the bus on the way someplace else, Mamoru might
not show up until after Usagi reaches the fight, etc.
etc, etc. In this case, I wanted the "shopping" scene
to be slightly humorous, to fit with what I do next.
It's a mood setter. I could have deleted it completely
and just had Usagi or Sailor Moon show up at the scene
or done any number of things.
WHAT is the purpose of introducing Usagi and Mamoru at
this time and in this manner? HOW does it propel the
story or further the characterizations?\
Every word should (at the very least)
A) Flesh out a scene
B) Develop characterization
C) Set up a scene
D) Further the plot
3)Humor again. A segue to transition from the
�shopping" scene to the �fight' scene. Personally I
sometimes have more trouble with a transition
_between_ scenes than I do with the scene itself.
4) This introduces the next scene. In this case the
descriptors are moderately dramatic.
5) A moderately humorous element to get Usagi into the
fight scene. Again I'm using action to produce a
certain "feel". It doesn't matter _what_ kind of
"feel" you are trying to produce, just that you give
the reader something solid. I've used humor _but_ I
could as easily used horror or drama, depending on
where the story was going.
6) I'm playing around with the usual Sailor Senshi
introduction to keep it interesting for the reader.
This also gives a "feel" for Usagi's emotional state,
which is �peeved". ^_^ Also a bit puzzled, since what
she was expecting from the screams and noise (Youma)
are nowhere to be found. This also helps paint a
picture for the reader. That is, if Usagi is expecting
to see Youma, then the noise from the fight must be
pretty bad.
7) And now we introduce Ranma & co. in a way that
indicates they are a match for Youma in terms of noise
and action at least.
@@@@@@
"What are they doing?" Usagi asked after she dodged an
strange energy
blast that he too had dodged.
@@ Who is "he"?
She could feel the heat of the attack as it
passed over her. She watched as the pigtailed boy
prepared a energy
attack, and she looked up at the exact moment that he
was charging it.
What she saw during that moment made her wonder.
During his charge time,
she saw the clouds flash blue for a millisecond while
the martial
artist's aura flashed the same color as he launched
his attack.
@@Interesting. I like the bit where the "clouds flash
blue"a lot. VERY nice. You've got quite a few little
gems like this scattered through the story.
"What she saw during that moment made her wonder." is
confusing, as written.
I think this would be much better if re-written, but
it's an excellent start.
@@@@
"Moko Shoten Ha!" Somehow, even Akane was surprised by
the raging
tornado. 'Ranma was able to do the hiryu shouten ha
without Ryoga's
battle heat. Strange.' Akane thought. But before Akane
was able to ponder
this question, Usagi repeated her question.
@@Akane's bit is confusing. I'm not sure who is doing
what to whom. And why is Akane "surprised by the
raging tornado."? What is surprising?
Better not to use "question" twice, so closely
together. Reword.
And Usagi is not repeating her question. The first
time she asked "What are they doing?" next she asks
"WHY".
" Hey, do you know why are they doing this?"
Akane sighed." A while ago, Ranma, that's the boy with
the red shirt, and
Ryoga, the other boy, went to a school for boys. From
what Ranma
remembers, it was lunchtime around the start of a new
semester. There was
only one piece of a certain kind of bread. Ranma told
me this about a
year ago, so I can't remember all the details of the
bread names. Well
Ryoga, that's the boy with the bandanas, well anyway,
Ryoga almost had
the last piece, but Ranma kicked him out of the way
and got the piece
instead. That went on for a while, actually. So Ryoga
is always trying to
kill Ranma. Oh, by the way, I'm Tendo Akane ."
@@Do NOT repeat the �bread feud' story. It slows the
action and readers familiar with the series know it,
readers who do NOT know Ranma will only be confused.
In this instance you could reasonably have Akane say
that Ranma is picking on Ryouga (you need to change
your set-up a little) or just have her say she doesn't
know. There are other options, just don't repeat the
�bread feud'. Do something that the reader hasn't seen
before.
<SNIP>
Some interesting things in here. My comments
on the rest are basically more of what I've already
given. Mostly a matter of editing.
You've got a solid framework and a workable
premise. Work on smoothing out the
dialogue and adding detail to your
descriptions. Remember, the thesaurus
is your friend. ^_^ SHOW rather than
simply tell as often as possible.
For instance, if a character is angry, don't
merely ::
Ranma said angrily
BUT
Rage made his voice shake
OR
His face flushed with anger
@@@
Use action and description to
convey the mood of the piece.
Do NOT
He said/she said
BUT
He whispered/she groaned/he whimpered/she gasped
Hope this helps.
Again, an interesting concept and some good stuff.
You just need to do some editing.
good luck. ^_O
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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