-Comments@@
It's only my opinion.
If you take it seriously
you'll get a stomach ache.
Date:
Sat, 13 Oct 2001 21:28:45 -0700
From:
"Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org> | Block
Address | Add to Address Book
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma] Teaser for...
To:
"FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Coming soon to a mailing list near you...
@@Disclaimer?
And [Titles] are good too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She sank to her knees on the hard packed dirt of
the road, scowling
and enraged. "Hey!" she shouted as loudly as she
could. "You forgot me!"
So saying, she took the okonomiyaki that was in her
hand, and with the
brush in the other, swiftly painted out in flawless,
neat kanji,
'Loyalty.' Smirking, she muttered, "I'll catch up,
just you watch."
"I swear upon this--"
A man she hadn't seen before interrupted her yell.
"Say, that's
pretty good. You look like you really know how to
manage a brush."
"Huh?"
@@Good start. A couple of �minor' changes.
EDIT::
1) She sank to her knees on the hard packed dirt of
the road, panting with exhaustion and rage. "Hey! You
forgot me!"
2) Taking the okonomiyaki that was in her hand, she
swiftly painted �LOYALTY' in flawless, neat kanji.
"I'll catch up, just you watch." she muttered,
scowling. "I swear upon this--"
3) A man she hadn't seen before interrupted
her angry thoughts. "Say, that's pretty good. You look
like you really have a feel for your brush."
"Huh?"
@@@@
@@Let's look at the edits I made and why.
It's mostly a matter of preference, but I think
they make sense.
1) Shorter and more intense to help convey
the feeling that she's been running and can't
run anymore. I changed "scowling with rage"
to
"panting with exhaustion and rage" to reinforce
this feeling.
"scowling" IMO is too mild for this scene, but
works well later on.
2)Same thing here. The original was too long
to convey her feeling. She's very angry and
she's been chasing someone who's left her behind.
The original was too civilized. ^_^
3)This was the most subjective change of all.
"how to manage a brush." just didn't sound right.
You �manage' a Wal-Mart. ^_^
Another alternative . . .
"Your calligraphy is very good."
OR
"You are one with your brush."
I'm drawing heavily on old Chinese
and Japanese stories, especially dealing with Zen,
Tea Ceremony, etc for this change.
@@@@
"You gonna eat that?" the man asked, leaning
casually against a tree
on the side of the road.
She stared at the okonomiyaki for a moment, then
flung it carelessly
to the old man. He caught it effortlessly, and
sampled, taking a bite.
"Not bad," he commented.
"What do you mean about my brush?" she asked,
staring at the
implement still in her hand.
"You're good with it. Graceful. You want to tell
me what all that,"
he jerked his thumb in the direction that Ranma and
his father had left
in, "was all about?"
@@Nice segue. If you add:
"direction her fiancee Ranma and his father . . ."
Or something similar it will make the story more
understandable to people not as familiar with Ranma.
Sniffling, Ukyou's strength crumbled, and she
hesitantly explained
the whole story to the man. "And now," she concluded,
"I'm all alone!
How am I supposed to tell my father and support him
when he gets old?"
@@UKYOU: "Father, I have some good news----you don't
have to worry about fixing that squeaky wheel on the
yatai."
@@That last sentence is awkward.
The man eyed her up and down for a long, silent
moment before
grinning wolfishly, licking a stray bit of sauce from
his fingertips.
"Oh," he said, "_I_ know a way you can make money."
She backed away a few steps nervously. Where was
her father? "He...
he... HENTAI!" she screamed, stumbling backwards.
Stepping towards her boldly, the man chortled,
"YES!"
@@ "chortled"??? I dunno, it's kinda hard to take
seriously someone who �chortles'.
***
Ranma ran, not knowing where or why. He had to get
there, wherever
'there' was. And he had to get there fast. He felt it
in his bones!
@@CHESHIRE CAT: "If you don't know where you want to
go, any direction is good."
RANMA<through the looking glass> "CA . . .CA . . .
CA . . ."
Buildings rushed past him, as he roofhopped
towards his soulmate,
his tuxedo flapping in the wind-- his Tuxedo?!
@@Eh? Ummm . . .perhaps it's his �cape' that's
flapping?
Ranma screamed, and lost his balance, plummeting
towards the street
below. He felt a crunch, and winced in sympathy
towards the poor person
he must have landed on. "Hey, you okay?" he asked,
getting up while
trying to ignore the intense pain coursing through his
body, and pulling
a large, errant thorn from his side. The grotesque
mockery of a female
that had cushioned his fall twitched, laughing shrilly
and loudly,
before disappearing in a cloud of dust.
"Tuxedo Airen!" several female voices chorused,
reminding the
teenage boy of his plight. He paled and grabbed the
offending article of
clothing, ripping it off his body. Looking around, he
was disturbed to
find three of the girls leering at him. The fourth
formed a bow from
fire and started flinging fiery arrows at him, crying
out "Pervert!"
occasionally.
@@Errr . . .what plight? The Tuxedo? The fall? The
person he's laying on? The thorn in his side?
AKANE: "HEY!"
RANMA: "Not you, the other thorn."
AKANE: "Oh, that's diff-----HEY, wait a minute!"
As he tried his best to dodge the arrows of fire -
luckily for him,
the raven-haired girl was a lousy shot - Ranma
lamented the unfairness
of it all. He also made a mental note to wear
something under his tuxedo
next time.
@@^_^ Ummm . . .OK, just how does a Tuxedo "flap"?
Cute idea, but needs a bit of tweaking.
"Stop it, Sailor A!" a brown-haired girl
commanded, giving her
comrade a firm glare. Turning towards Ranma, she
beamed at him. "Please
excuse her. You know how she gets."
@@RANMA: "Yeah, ovulation is the _worst_." <rummaging
in his purse for a bottle of white tablets>"Here, take
two of these. They're extra strength."
"Yeah, Sailor U." Ranma laughed nervously, tugging
on his pigtail.
Or trying to. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PIGTAIL?!" he
screamed in panic, when his hand met nothing but air.
Ranma started shaking his head from side to side
frantically, trying to look at the back of his head.
@@RANMA< reaching lower down> "Where the heck is my
F***ER?"
T.RUMIKO<primly>: "This is shoujo. You don't need
one."
@@@@
"Calm down, Tuxedo Airen!" two girls cried out
together, each
latching onto one of his arms.
@@Cute.
That had the desired affect, as Ranma relaxed
considerably and
looked at the girls holding him, the passionate
purple-haired Sailor S
and the exotic and beautiful yet bashful Sailor R. A
little over to the
side, he saw Sailor U holding her teammate, Sailor A,
in a headlock. No
doubt to prevent her from doing him great bodily harm,
he thought darkly.
@@TUXEDO-AIREN: *If she gets loose she'll strip me and
whip me and abuse my body with rubber and iron toys
that would make a stone Buddha dance, and subject me
to weeks of endless, unbearable sexual torment . . .*
"Ummm . . .I think you can let her go now."
@@I'd change the names, as I found Sailor U, Sailor A,
difficult to follow at first and rather bland.
EXAMPLE::
Sailor Maniac, Sailor Gorilla, Sailor Savage
Sailor Sauce, Sailor Spatula
Sailor Bimbo, Sailor Sexy, Sailor Slut ^_^ (well,
maybe not)
Sailor Psycho, Sailor Ribbon, Sailor Rose (Sailor
Black Rose?)
@@@@
Just as he was getting relaxed, Ranma sensed a
dark presence converging upon him. Shaking the girls'
hold on him, the teenage boy jumped away to get some
space between him and what appeared to be a red-haired
female monster holding a wrapped up package. Before he
could
realize what was making his skin crawl at her mere
presence, Ranma noticed that he was somehow female,
naked and held in someone's arms.
"Hello, my beautiful airen," Sailor T crooned in
his masculine voice, his long hair done in a weird
style that resembled meatballs and spaghetti to Ranma.
"Now, finally, the Schools will be United!"
Ranma woke up screaming, and lashed out violently,
socking his old man and Mr. Tendo, who had been
whispering into his ears to marry Akane already and
unite the schools.
@@<BG>
cute section, but I'd shorten it just a bit.
***
Ranma jerked himself out of the normal distracted
haze, trying to
forget about the disturbing dream and its foreboding
warnings. Something
felt... off.
@@His tuxedo?
"Hurry up, Ranma," Akane insisted from a short
distance up the road.
"We're going to be late for school!"
"Oh, like it really matters," he muttered
absent-mindedly, pausing
next to a bench to look at a clock. "It's just school.
Martial arts are
good enough for me." Despite his casual response, the
pigtailed boy
inwardly tensed for battle. 'Oh man, and just after
Shampoo left...'
A squeak of female indignation sounded off to his
right, and Ranma
practically jumped in the air, coming into a crouch.
Akane giggled from
beside him, reminding the boy of her presence.
"Oh, so the great Ranma Saotome is afraid of a
little girl
screaming." Her eyes narrowing dangerously in sudden
realization, she
frowned. "This had better not be another Chinese
Amazon after you,"
Akane threatened in a low tone of voice.
@@Errr . . .this was a little confusing.
1) " . . .just after Shampoo left..."
When was Shampoo there?
2)Who is squeaking? At first I thought it was Akane,
but later it appears to be someone else. And later
still, it looks like it was Akane.
3)Why would Akane assume a Chinese Amazon?
Ranma cursed himself for being so jumpy, and
slowly raised himself
to his full height. Chuckling nervously and rubbing
the back of his
neck, he stammered, "A-Another girl? What o-other
girl?"
@@But Akane _specifically_ mentioned Chinese Amazon,
now Ranma's made it generic. Doesn't flow well.
His fiancee didn't look convinced, and turned away
in a huff.
@@This bit doesn't make a lot of sense, to me. Who
squeaked? Why does it only take that to set Akane off?
Why is Ranma so nervous? The dream? That _might_
account for Ranma, thought I'd like more detail, but
it does NOT account for Akane.
Ranma sighed, and cursed his weird dream for the
umpteenth time. Who
were all those weird girls, anyway? Damn that dream
for making him
stammer! Damn his dream for causing him to think of
all those beautiful
girls after him! Damn that dream for making him think
of Soun
crossdressing...
@@Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
(I thought it was Tatiwaki, which was bad enough.)
@@@@
"Hey, Ranma, are you okay?" Akane asked, her voice
penetrating the
pigtailed boy's thoughts.
@@Ummm . . .I think you've established Ranma has a
pigtail. You might want to use some different
descriptors.
@@@@
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered absent-mindedly,
shaking his head to
clear it from all the images. "Why?"
"You spaced out all of a sudden, and had the
scariest face..."
Looking at him suspiciously, she questioned, "You were
thinking of
something perverted, weren't you!"
@@^_^
"No way!" Ranma yelled, waving his hands in front
of him in a
placating manner. "I wasn't thinking of your father in
drag or nothing!"
His hands quickly clamped over his mouth, but a quick
glance at Akane's
tomato-red face revealed to Ranma that he hadn't been
fast enough.
Shaking, Akane balled her fists. "You... you
per--"
@@<VBG> OK, this one is a keeper. But it's funnier,
IMO, if you DON'T have Akane mad earlier in the
Chinese Amazon/Squeaking scene. It takes away some of
the punch of this VERY funny bit. I'd also delete::
"His hands clamped . . .fast enough."
I think it's funnier if you go directly to Akane from
"I wasn't thinking of your father in drag or nothing!"
@@@@
A shrill female cry for help interrupted his
fiancee, making Ranma
eternally greatful to the screaming girl. 'Wait.
Screaming girl?!'
Breaking into a sprint, he shouted over his shoulder,
"Sorry, Akane,
gotta save someone."
@@^_^
<SNIP>
some really good stuff, but rambles a bit
too much, especially the last part, which I
snipped. That needs a lot of editing
to tighten it up. The good parts are
very good and it's an interesting
premise. At least as much of it as
I can figure out. It does make me want
to know what happens next, which is good.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by Corwin. Scripted by Brian Randall.
Ecchi Party.
A Brothers^H Production.