Interesting premice, but the delivery fell a little flat...
----- Original Message -----
From: "Richard Robinson" <RICHARDROBINSON@prodigy.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, October 02, 2001 9:58 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] Ranma in What Me, Paranoid!
Ranma decided that he needed to practice the Umisenken, so
he assumed the position and became invisible to the eye,
then he observed the way his Ki was flowing and made a few
adjustments. This resulted in his becoming undetectable to
all senses including the one used to find Ki sources.
Neat trick, that. It would be nice if you had a little more before this,
perhaps something that triggered Ranma's suspicions. Or maybe
a simple explanation of wanting to keep in practice, so that he didn't
'lose' the technique like his 'father' did...
Thusly attired he entered the Tendo home, to see what he
might see.
In the Dining Room, he found all four Tendos and his parents
and Ryoga and Tatewaki Kuno, Shampoo and Cologne in fact all
of the people he considered friends except Ukyo. As he
watched several of his enemies Happosei and Taro entered.
You didn't mention Kodachi Kuno. Then again, it would be entirely
in keeping with the irony of the story if she really did love Ranma
and was totally unaware of everyone elses mechanations...
^_^
Kasumi began a discussion " I hope that idiot stays away for
a while, I am so tired of "Little Miss Nice Girl, when I am
a professional Assassin like the rest of the Family. "
Nabiki chimed in with " Wouldn't he have a fit if he
suspected our specialties, You kill with sex, Kas, I do 'um
in with poison and little sister does it with a technology ,
and Dad rips the victims into little tiny shreds."
Gruesome, but it reads like a summary. You might want to
expand on it a little. Maybe have the Tendo daughters
argue over which of their prefered meathods is better, with
Soun complaining about whatever happened to a nice
traditional rending a victim into little shreads...
" Think how upset he'll be when he finds out about my
husband of four years, Ryoga. That should be fun to watch."
observed Akane.
So, the real reason that Akane was angry at Ranma was because
he had accidentally gotten her husband cursed while Ryoga
was keeping an eye on him, eh?
^_^
Nodoka added I want to see his face when we tell him I am
not his mother and He, pointing at the bald fat man next to
her, isn't Ranma's father either.
When the idiot finds out we killed his real parents and sent
him on that road trip just to keep him out of our hair! Well
I imagine he'll be upset, while he survives anyway. "
Missing a quote near the begining, and you have an uneccissary
space between the period and the quote at the end.
Some mention as to why Ranma didn't tear right into them all
right then and there might be in order, even if it's nothing more
than him being in shock...
Soun quietly adds " Do you think we should tell him it was
all for the money he'll get from his real mother next week.
19 Billion Dollars! I am looking forward to my share of it.
When is the Oyabun due?
Genma held up a sign with " In about a half hour Right after
she closed the Ucchans."
I'm sorry, but Ukyo is far too young to be a real Yakuza Oyabun.
So is Nabiki for that matter, popular oppinion to the contrary.
While either of them might make 'favored leutenant' status, they'd
get ripped apart alive by their own orginization if they tried to
control such criminals without the favor of an older Oyabun
behind them.
Feel free to ignore me if you want...
^_^
Happosei looked down then submitted " If I still practiced
Anything Goes, I would have been proud to have that boy in
the school. I still can't believe he made all of the fake
arts you guys made up, work for him. I mean Cats Fist,
sheesh only a small child or an idiot would believe in that.
THe Umisenken, Amazonian Wu Shu and the Chestnuts Roasting
over an Open Fire and he did it. Amazing, simply amazing. If
we didn't have to drug him out of his mind to force him to
sign the money over to us, then kill him. I would ask how he
does it.
This is actually a classic case of the old addage "Familiararity
breeds contempt." Sure, they are impressed that Ranma can
do all of these things, but they've known him for so long that
they can't help but think of him as their rube who can't think
for himself. If what Happosai just said is true, then Ranma
is fully capable of killing each and every one of them, even if they
work together. Especially as several of them have given away
secrets that would otherwise have kept them safe as Ranma
might have hesitated with uncertanty over their actions.
Ranma has killed Saffron, after all. No mean feat, and probably an
unforseen circumstance - unless they 'aimed' Ranma at Saffron in
order to fullfill a contract on the Phoenix King's life. Ranma
should scare them, but they don't think that he can bring himself
to use the force neaded to actually defeat them. After all, he seldom
takes his fights very seriously at first, which sometimes costs him
some early rounds.
The fact that they set up Akane to watch him doesn't give them
much help. She'd be too biased against him for what happened to
her husband to be able to respect his skills. And without that
respect, she will constantly under rate Ranma's skills, whether
she means to or not...
Oh here comes the Oyabun with her current lover. Ukyo and
Dr. Tofu enter.
Snapping orders left and right Ukyo asks if Genma checked to
make sure that Ranma's Grandfather and Uncle are still in
America.
Genma lifts a sign, then gets hit with a thermos of hot
steaming water. " Ouch that hurt, Yes both Captain America
and Reed Richards are still in New York.
Steve Rogers is in the Avengers Mansion, which we have
bugged. So we know what he is doing and Richards is playing
poker with him and some other friends."
This reads more than a little dry. Try "OUCH! That hurt!"
While I have little or no problem with Reed Richards being
Ranma's uncle, Captain America's secret identity, and this
crew bugging the Avengers Mansion just don't fit the bill.
Just how are they supposed to know that Steve Rogers is
Captain America?
"Do we have the various devices ready to capture Ranma when
he comes in this afternoon?" Asked Ukyo.
" Yes Ma'am! The whole house is ready, with sprayed knockout
gas in all of the rooms. A Liquid in the sprayers in case
he gets outside and a set of needle guns, with this stuff we
could take out both Spiderman and the Hulk simultaneously
without any problems." pointed out Nabiki. After a minute
she added "The only way he could escape is if he didn't come
into the house or he got in when we weren't looking and left
without opening a window or door."
Ignoring Nabiki's hyperbole for a moment (very few people
have successfully druged Spiderman, and drugging the Hulk
is damn near impossible - okay, so I didn't ignore her lies),
aren't they the least bit worried that they'll get caught in their
own trap? The doses involved in just bringing down spiderman
would kill most of them within minutes, and for the Hulk? We're
talking depopulating Nerima with the doses neaded to even
bother the big green lug...
Ranma after listening to this left the room and went
upstairs to Nabiki's room and removed a large bag of money
she had hidden under the floor. Taking it with him as he
leapt out her window.
I just want to know how he knew it was there...
After he had traveled several miles, he decided to stop for
the night at his cousin's house in Tomobiki.
Knocking on the door, Ranma inquired "Is Ataru here?"
Jeriten replied that "HE was upstairs in the saucer. with
Lum"
" Well would you tell him his cousin Ranma is here, when he
gets back down?" chuckled Ranma
Some explanation for how Ranma knew that Ataru was his cousin
might be nice here. And maybe some reason why Ranma was
sure that it was true...
" Sure, ( a moments pause then) Does that make you a cousin
to me" asked Ten.
"Close enough for government work" answered Ranma.
An hours wait.
"Hey Ataru, can I borrow a room for the evening? I am on my
way to see my grandfather in New York."
"Sure Lum and I will give you a lift in the morning."
"Thanks"
Author's Notes
The Ranma portions of this are set about a year after Volume
thirty eight, the Ataru about ten years after the end of UY.
The ending is pretty bad but I had to finish it in a hurry
or lose the whole story. This will be continued. If there is
anyone I didn't bash that you would like to see bashed when
I rewrite this let me know. No promises but I'll try.
Actually looking forward to it, even if your first instalment
could stand to be cleaned up a bit.
Tangent
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'