Please, plrease, PLEASE, break up your paragraphs!

Right now, you are using a single space between each line,
whether or not the next line is in the same paragraph or
not. Either don't leave a space between lines in the same
paragraph, or use double spaces to break seperate
paragraphs apart. If you don't, the story gets to be rather
tedious to read.

Other than that, it seems to be a good story. It could
use some cleaning up and a bit of polish, but you have
a decent premice to work with. The biggest flaw, from
my point of view, is that your pace is set too fast, and
you are rushing right over ideas that should either be
expanded on, or saved and explained later during one
or more flashbacks.

Well, that, and I doubt that Cologne, Shampoo, and
Mousse were indicated as people to be shot on sight
should they try to return to Japan. If that was the case,
the government wouldn't have bothered with deporting
them. Now, they might be warned that if they attempt to
abduct or drug a Japanese citizen (such as Ranma) again,
that they will be shot on sight...

Oh, and drop the 'two second' meal. Ranma may eat fast,
but usually only when he has to. Like almost everyone, he
like to savor his food. He just normally has to eat fast to
prevent his father from stealling his meals before he can eat
them.

Tangent

	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'