The author is advised that I seldom bother to read anything with a
"DARK" tag, nor do I very often read anything with a "LEMON" tag.
Anything with both tags is something I would ordinarily avoid like the
plague. I decided to make an exception this time, although it could be
likened to performing a post mortem on a corpse that has been floating
in an estuary for ten days. Unpleasant to say the least. Further, I
weighed carefully the consequences of being temp-banned, or perhaps
being permanently banned for posting the following C&C. I will accept
without complaint the ruling of the forum Administrators. The reason I
risk this is that I have read some of the other commentary on this piece
and felt that the proffered commentary lacked a great deal in the way of
explanations. Very few FFML participants ever give the kind of
commentary I've read, so I have undertaken the job of explaining in
detail what seems amiss with the work. I think the author does deserve
at least that much consideration.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Are you sure about this?" , Ukyo asked Kasumi.
[The above punctuation error is common throughout this piece. Commas are
not required after question marks, exclamation marks or periods. In all
cases, the comma should fall inside the double quote. BTW: If I am
capable of catching your punctuation errors, they are truly egregious.
Also, this is grossly OOC for both Kasumi and Ukyou. Not only vis a vis,
canon, but internally well. Ukyou's reaction to Kasumi's proposal is so
flat and unemotional that verisimilitude is violated. Ukyou is neither
eager to see this happen, nor does she appear to be appalled by it, yet
she seems perfectly willing to go along with "Kasumi's" plan. A dreadful
beginning, for what I later discover to be a perfectly awful piece of
writing.]
"Yes." , she said. "Nabiki needs to learn a lesson. She has been
uncontrolled too long and needs to learn the consequences."
[Uncontrolled? Who should be controlling Nabiki? The rational answer
would be that Nabiki should be governing Nabiki and doing a better job
of it, but this suggests we are about to be treated to a rather
titillating spanking scene, when we also take the tags into
consideration. Alas, we are sharply disappointed. The author seems to go
out of his way to mislead and mistreat the audience that appreciates
that sort of stuff.]
"But to do that to her?" , Ukyo asked.
[Again, a flat, unemotional response on the part of Ukyou. No blush, no
sense of growing excitement or anticipation of any kind is evident.]
"It is needed." , said Kasumi. "Once it is over the mere threat of it
happening again will be enough to get control."
[Kasumi is behaving rather robotically as well. Giving the reader even
more of a hint that a bit of the ordinary S&M stuff is in the offing.
Again, the author defrauds the audience, delivering nothing of what he
promises at this point in the story.]
"The Uc-Chans cafe will be ready for you Tuesday."
[U-chan's rather than Uc-Chan's. ]
***
<Scene Tendo House , Put Here Later , Switch To Ucchan's>
[The above text in angle-brackets <> is absolutely incomprehensible,
conveying nothing of value to the reader.]
" Kasumi!" Nabiki screamed, " HELP ME! MAKE THEM STOP!"
[Kasumi is going to "Make them stop?" Pray tell, how would she do this
and why would it ever cross Nabiki's mind to beg her sister for such
help? The more logical helpmate for her in a situation like this would
be Ukyou.]
" I'm sorry sister, " Kasumi said " but you need this lesson."
[Yet another, lifeless, non-descriptive respsonse from Kasumi, leaving
the reader cold. If the author truly meant to shock us, he would
actually write something. In this case, he merely sends us the sort of
grafitti one expects to find in the men's room of a low-rent dive
somewhere on Houston's east side. It is, in a word, pitiable.]
Nabiki couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her sister was letting
these men feel her up and wasn't doing anything to stop them. She still
hadn't realized the full extent of what was happening to her.
[Here we have a gross violation of verisimilitude and even the author
should have been able to spot it, had the brain been in charge and not
the gonads. NO WOMAN would have had any doubt whatosoever about was
happening to her. By now, one would have expected Nabiki to be screaming
at her sister to run, get out of harms way, and seek help. The scenario
is laughably juvenile. Something I would expect from the pen of a
fourteen year old boy who just rollled over and pole-valuted out of bed
this morning.]
Kasumi placed her hand on Steve's arm. " Steve-san if you would please
begin now."
" Here, here!"
[Okay, I can just really see a rapist coming up with "Hear! Hear!" for a
line. It don't wash, Bubbette. It just don't!]
Steve thanked Kasumi and moved towards Nabiki. Paul and Bill still held
her helpless. Slowly it was beginning to dawn on Nabiki what was going
on.
[Oh! He stops to thank Kasumi! How brilliant! And only now does it begin
to dawn on Nabiki that she is in serious trouble. I suggest the author
go find a dictionary, look up the word verisimilitude and then memorize
the definition of same. Given the nature of this forum, one expects that
the author would at least try to write a story. This copy would not even
make it into the pages of _Hustler_. It IS sick enough for _Hustler_,
but it is as limp as my late grandpaw's penis.]
" Oh no!" she pleaded. " Please don't! Kasumi! Kasumi! Don't let them,
please don't let them!"
[And again we are treated to the improbable sight of Nabiki turning to
the very gentle, and ladylike Kasumi for help in a situation where the
acumen for fisticuffs of Ranma and Ryouga are called for. This profound
lack of verisimilitude is almost insulting. One might be able forgive
it, were it a botched attempt at humor, but there is not the slightest
trace of evidence to suggest that this was the author's intent.]
Steve grabbed the hem of Nabiki's dress and pulled it above her hips.
The dress was tight enough that it stayed in that position. He then
took hold of her panties and began slowly pulling them down, grinning
at her as he did so. Nabiki still struggled uselessly as Steve removed
her panties.
[Oh, well! Here's the mouth watering description of Nabiki's overwrought
physionomy we were all waiting for, and it proves to be yet another
dissappointment. We do not know if Nabiki is blushing, blanching,
forming an orgasmic platform, or even if her aureoles are stiffening.
Hell, we don't even find out what color her panties are for Pete's sake!
What kind of writing is this?]
" Put her up on the barstool," Steve told Paul and Bill.
Nabiki was lifted up and put on the stool, putting her pussy crotch-high
to Steve. Paul and Bill held Nabiki back against the bar while Steve
undid his pants and pulled out his dick. Nabiki increased her struggles
against the two men holding her down as she saw Steve approaching her,
primed and ready to go.
[Yet another flat, colorless description of the scene. Isn't a
description of the assailant's penis in order here? We don't even get a
"huge, purple-veined and throbbing" out of the author. At least we are
told that this Steve fellow is "primed and ready to go," but what does
that mean? That he has an erection, or that he is about to go off?
Whoopi fucking do! I've seen better amatuer work in _Penthouse Forum_.
This tripe leaves me about as limp as I can get.]
" Dear God, NOOO! Kasumi! Please HELP me!!!" Nabiki screamed as Steve
pressed his dick against the lips of her pussy. " Stop it. STOP IT! I
DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!"
[Yet another botched description of Nabiki's probable reaction to such a
stimulus. Wouldn't she naturally try to put her knees together under
such circumstances? Wrest a leg loose in hopes of kicking this asshole
in the face? Again, the author disappoints.]
She began sobbing, tears streaming down her face as she felt Steve
beginning to enter her. Suddenly, and without warning, Steve crammed
himself completely into Nabiki with one vicious thrust , then also
tearing her hymen and taking her virginity from her.
[Oh, yeah right! Now we know the author has never, not once in his life
ever been laid. And no, my dear author, I am NOT going to explain your
error to you. Leave us to say it is patently ridiculous and an
experienced lover recognizes your mistake instantly.]
" IIIEEEEEAAAAARRGGGG!!!!!" Nabiki screamed, arching her back and
snapping her head back with the pain of the brutal assault.
[Clearly, the author has not the slightest understanding about the true
horrors of rape. One might have concluded this by the fact that the
author decided to write this piece, but he here confirms it beyond all
shadow of doubt.]
Steve was ramming into her repeatedly, pounding her as hard and as he
could while Nabiki continued pleading with him to stop. Never did she
imagine that there could be such pain. Paul and Bill, still pinning
Nabiki to the bar, squeezed her tits as Steve continued brutalizing
her.
[Oh, and what a wonderful description of the action taken by the other
two perpetrators of the author's crime. Fah! ]
Nabiki saw Kasumi standing with Gary, sipping her drink and watching
while this man raped her sister. Even with her mind befuddled by drugs,
Nabiki couldn't believe it. She couldn't accept it.
[Drugs? What drugs! The author here very clumsily tries to palm a card.
A little forethought, not foreskin, mind you, goes a long way towards
making a readable story as opposed to one that is simply tired, trite,
boring and need I say it? Disgusting. More forethought, my dear author,
and less foreskin if you please! ]
" Kasumi!!" she screamed at her " FOR GOD'S SAKE HELP ME! MAKE THEM
STOP! PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!! IT HURTS, OH GOD IT HURTS! WHAT DID I DO?
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!"
Steve had his elbows under Nabiki's knees now, lifting her legs almost
to her chest and driving deeper into her with every thrust. His
breathing was coming heavier now as he began grunting with each thrust.
[Oh, yes! Now I understand why the author suddenly discovered the need
to have Nabiki drugged. In this position, her legs would have been free
and our beloved Ice Queen would have broken this asshole's kneck with a
scissors-lock. See what happens when you try to shock others while
thinking with the little head and not the big one?]
" NOOOO!!!" Nabiki screamed as she felt him deposit his thick, heavy
load of cum deep inside her. " OH GOD NOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!" her scream
tapering off as Steve's motion slowed.
[The author again displays his ignorance with the above silliness, that
is assuming he actually meant to convey what he did with this less than
vibrant description.]
Steve laid against Nabiki's quivering body while he caught his breath.
After a minute he straightened up, withdrawing from her as he did.
[One does wonder at this point if the author has even the remotest
knowledge of anatomy or pysiological response. BTW, this is an
unwarranted change in POV. While on my pet peeve, allow me to also point
out that this ugly little tale would have had far more impact if the
author had taken the trouble to garner the knowledge necessary to tell
it exclusively from Nabiki's POV. Was this failure the product of
laziness, or lack of courage, or is the author perhaps simply to young
to access such information?]
" Throw her up on the bar, guys," Gary yelled,. " I want to feel her
under my ass!!"
[Ooh, what scintillating dialogue! And, coupled with execrable
punctuation to boot! ]
Nabiki began struggling again as Paul grabbed her under the arms and
Bill grabbed her by the legs. Roughly they threw her onto the bar.
Behind the bar again, Steve grabbed one wrist and pinned her arm down
above her head while Paul did the same with her other arm. As Gary
climbed onto the bar, Nabiki tried to kick him. Bill grabbed one ankle
and pinned her leg down while Kasumi moved behind the bar with Steve
and pinned down her other leg. Nabiki's shocked mind grasped the fact
that not only was Kasumi letting these animals rape her, she was
helping them hold her down!!!
[The above leaves us completely untouched because there is absolutely no
reason given for us to accept this character as the Kasumi we all know
so very well. It is, about as gross a violation of verisimilitude as one
could hope to find, not to mention writing Kasumi so wildly out of
character that the only thing she has in common with Takahashi's Kasumi
is her name. The cure for this, of course, is to actually know something
about characterization and how to accomplish it. The author is advised
to do some reading before attempting to write.]
Nabiki was spread eagle on the bar, held down and helpless as Gary,
naked from the waist down, moved between her legs and hovered over her.
" Please don't" Nabiki sobbed as he lowered himself on top of her. "
Please, no more, no more. Please let me go!"
Nabiki squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth as she felt Gary
enter her, driving himself inside her.
" UUUUHHHHHNNNNN" Nabiki grunted through clenched teeth. Gary was on top
of her, crushing her against the cold bar, driving into her repeatedly.
" Stop!" Nabiki begged, tears still streaming from her eyes. " Please
stop it! Oh please, get off me! Please, please GET OFF ME!!!! PLEASE
STOP!!!"
[Again, the author's knowledge of physionomy shows itself, not to
mention a lack of consideration for any number of practical concerns
involved in this kind of action.]
Gary was moving like a pile driver, impaling Nabiki repeatedly as he
moved towards orgasm. Suddenly he drove himself as deep as he could
into Nabiki and held himself there, exploding in a massive orgasm that
filled her insides.
" Oh God, no," whimpered Nabiki, " not again! Not again!"
Gary climbed off Nabiki and to the floor. " Here," Paul told him, " take
her arm. I'm next."
When Nabiki heard Paul's statement, she began slowly shaking her head
from side to side. " Oh no. Please no more. Kasumi? Kasumi, please
don't let them hurt me anymore. Please don't let them hurt me. Why are
you doing this? Why are you letting them do this?"
Paul climbed onto the bar, but instead of moving between her legs, he
moved up to her chest, kneeling over her face with one leg on each side
of her. Nabiki was wracked with a new wave of sobbing as she realized
what this meant.
" Nooo, please don't do thi-i-i-is, pp-p-llle-e-esse d-d-oh-oh-ohn't!"
Nabiki blubbered through her sobs.
Paul grabbed her hair and twisted, holding her head still while he
forced his dick between her lips.
" Noommphhp" Nabiki tried to beg around the offending organ, choking as
she did so " NOMMPH! PLEASAAGUUGG! MMUUGUFFF! AAACCKKKK!!"
Nabiki was squirming on the bar, trying to get away from Paul, but there
was no escape. Paul drove his dick to the back of her mouth, then began
forcing himself into her throat. Nabiki was gagging for air now, her
face turning a light blue color as well, but Paul didn't care. Nabiki
fought against the hands holding her down, squirming and twisting on
the bar as Paul forced himself deeper into her throat. Nabiki was
gagging on Paul's dick as she felt her nose being pressed against his
abdomen. He was completely in her mouth!
[Oh, yeah! I got a picture of this happening. You have got to be
shitting me, Mr. Author! You really have! Would you really be so foolish
as to attempt to do this to a woman? Any woman? Let alone Nabiki Tendo?
Let me know if you ever make the attempt. I wanna watch you bleed.]
Completely in her throat! Nabiki wanted to die. She couldn't take this.
She felt him withdraw just enough for her to get a short breath, and
then he moved back into her throat. He began repeating this motion,
over and over. Nabiki suddenly realize the truth. This wasn't a blow
job. Paul was fucking Nabiki in the mouth, fucking her in the throat!
Nabiki continued gagging and choking as Paul moved more rapidly in and
out of her throat. His breathing increased, his speed increased, Nabiki
knew what was going to happen. With a massive thrust, Paul buried his
dick deep into Nabiki's throat, her face pressed against his abdomen,
and blasted a huge load of thick cum into her. Nabiki's body jumped as
if it had been hit with an electric charge, her back arching high off
the bar.
It took all the strength of the four men holding her down to keep her in
position. Paul continued squirting cum down Nabiki's throat, leaving her
no choice but to swallow the foul load. Satiated, Paul withdrew himself
from Nabiki's mouth. Nabiki began coughing and choking, gasping for
breath. She resumed her normal color once again now and could breath
more.
[Lemme see. It takes four guys? Wasn't one of the perpetrators involved
a bizarre version of Kasumi Tendo? She's a guy? When and how did that
happen? Oh, yeah, here's another knee-slapper for you, Mr. Author. You
have Nabiki struggling with enough strength to give four people trouble!
Are you getting a clue, yet? Did you give any consideration at all to
the current assailant's vulnerability? Verisimilitude, sir!
Verisimilitude. You do not shock with this piece. All you manage is to
make a laughing stock of yourself.]
Bill took Nabiki's hair and turned her head so she could see him.
" And last but not least...." he smiled at her. Nabiki's sobbing
continued. He couldn't be serious. She couldn't possibly take any more.
" How do you want her, now?" she heard a voice say. She thought it was
Kasumi.
" Roll her over! I'm going up the Hershey highway!" Bill chuckled.
Nabiki couldn't believe what she heard! She had never done that before,
but friends told her it was painful. Painful with someone who cared, who
tried to be gentle! What would it be like with this rapist!! Nabiki
began pleading and begging as they twisted her around, forcing her face
down on the bar. She could see Bill in the mirror behind the bar,
moving between her legs, his dick exposed and rock hard!
[Ooh! Rock hard! Oh, my! What originality! Also yet another unwarranted
change in POV, but at least it is a change to the POV which would have
done the most good for this stuff. ]
" NO! DON'T DO THIS! PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE
LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Nabiki screamed as she felt Bill press his dick
against her asshole and begin forcing his way in. She felt the head of
his dick force it's way inside her. She had never felt such pain, and
it was only beginning. HE WASN'T REALLY IN YET!
" STOP!!!" Nabiki screamed as Bill forced his dick deeper into her ass.
" DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP. PEASE DON'T DO THIS!"
Bill was laying on Nabiki's back, pinning her to the bar with all his
weight, forcing himself deeper into Nabiki with each thrust. Then, with
a final brutal thrust, Bill drove himself completely into Nabiki's ass,
penetrating deep into her bowels. Nabiki screamed in pain at the
viciousness of the assault, feeling that this would surely kill her.
[The author reveals his lack of experience by neglecting a very, very
important detail. I leave the discovery of it as an exercise for the
author, assuming the author can actually ever get laid. On second
thought, it might be much more instructive for the author to put himself
in a situation where he would be on the receiving end of such action,
and then he would understand firsthand that I am not here telling a
fib.]
" GET OFF OF ME. PLEASE GET OFF OF ME!!!!" Nabiki screamed and pleaded
as Bill continued driving into her, pounding her with all his strength.
" JESUS CHRIST PLEASE STOP!! Kasumi! Kasumi PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP!
SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!!"
Oh, yeah, right! She's still begging "Kasumi" for help.
Bill drove into her, harder and harder, faster and faster, causing her
more and more pain until, with a final, brutal thrust, he came deep in
her bowels, filling her with his hot, burning seed and tearing another
scream from Nabiki. As Bill collapsed on Nabiki's back, she collapsed
on the bar, totally exhausted.
[The author again reveals his profound lack of knowledge in the above
passage. Seriously, my dear Author, have you yet to reach the ninth
grade? ]
" You satisfied with the job , Kasumi?" Steve asked.
" Yes. You have done your job well steve-san."
Well, at least "Kasumi" had the good taste not to capitalize this
asshole's name.
Steve helped Kasumi carry Nabiki's limp and exhausted body to the car,
where they deposited her in the passenger seat.
One of the Tendo's knows how to drive? And, it is "Kasumi" of all
people? Previously, Nabiki was struggling hard enough to give four
people a work out and now she is limp? Has the author ever really been
involved in any kind of violence whatsoever? If so, the author fails to
demonstrate it.
Kasumi said farewell to the men and drove Nabiki home. By the time they
arrived, Nabiki was passed out from the drugs that had been given to
her.
She doesn't pass out until this late date? Oh, I believe that! I also
believe that she did not try to claw "Kasumi's" eyes out. No, she
wouldn't do that! No fucking way!
Kasumi carried her upstairs, cleaned her up, put a nightgown on her, and
put her to bed.
[ Rest assured, my dear author, "Kasumi" would never have needed to
"clean" Nabiki up. She would instead, have had enormous difficulty in
getting her out of the tub. I suggest you look into the inevitable
results for the victims of such crimes.]
The next morning, Kasumi was in the kitchen and wondering what to fix
for
breakfast when Nabiki came down. She looked like hell and stood looking
at
her.
[Oh, too right with that one, mate! I just really and truly believe this
happened as well. ]
[To sum up, this is one of those pieces of writing which fails in every
respect. It fails to titillate. It fails to amuse. It fails to shock. It
isn't even a good attempt to insult my intelligence. All the author has
managed to do is earn himself the righteous opprobrium of the forum. Not
so much because it is a perfectly awful story which belittles the
enormity of a perfectly heinous act, but because it appears to be
deliberately piss-poor writing. I am not an advocate of censorship,
beyond giving the reader fair warning about content, but I do think the
author has abused this forum by taking up bandwidth better used by those
making a serious attempt to write. If this is the best you can do, my
dear author, please do us all the kindness of taking it elsewhere. Your
nihilistic sense of bad taste is NOT welcome in my mailbox.]
Kindest regards,
Donald Lee Granberry.
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