Ah, another fic, left un-C&Ced. This must not be!

I can't imagine what chaos would reign if there was no one to provide c&C. <grin>

the street lights. A slight breeze ruffled her hair, and she smoothed it
back. It was perhaps too cool to walk, but she couldn't bring herself to
drive a car home. She was still recovering from a near fatal car
accident and was not anxious to get behind a steering wheel again.

Commage? It works as is, though. Remember, all of my suggestions

can
be easily ignored, should you want to do so. :)

I admit, I'm a little comma-happy at times, but no C&C will go ignored. I'll look it over.

She turned to face the direction the girl was pointing. "Why, yes it
is...how did you...," she said trailing off once she noticed the girl
was no longer walking with her. Glancing around, she saw no sign of her.
She furrowed her brow, trying to make sense of what the girl had been
saying, but shook her confusion away. Kids nowadays, she thought and
approached her apartment building. She noticed a familiar figure manning
the door.

   you...," -- you..." (suggestion -- there's no solid convention on
this one, though there is a 'correct' way to use them, I've yet to see
it adhered to, and I know I don't know what it is anyway. :p)

:) Me neither, but if anyone knows out there - speak up!

   'she saw no sign of her,' sounds a little awkward.

Agreed.

The glass door shut behind her with a resounding click and she

paused to
look back at the doorman as he reassumed his position. He was whistling
happily, with not a care in the world. She shook her head and headed
toward the elevator. She wished that all she had to worry about was a
daughter's birthday.

   head/headed in close proximity. Might want to reword that?

That's true. It would flow better if I reword it.....<taking notes>

She stood by the elevator's door and watched as the numbers slowly crept
closer to the lobby. She felt a presence next to her and frowned once
she saw who it was.

   This part sounds somewhat stilted. Maybe a little flavor text, like
the elevators doors? Steel? Colored? Marked with a generic logo for the
building? The lobby, maybe? Carpeting, theme, secretary, little details
might help it flow a little more smoothly, and having both sentences
start with, 'she' makes it feel a bit clipped.

Ah! More writing. <Grin> I'll see if I can produce a little more descriptive flair here.

The elevator opened. She walked in, and the man followed while closing
in on her personal space at the same time. She desperately wished
someone would join them in the elevator, but her wish went unfulfilled
as it closed. He moved in on her like a shark, pinning her against the
wall of the elevator. He stared into her eyes which were now narrowed
into slits.

   Repetition, second, third sentences both start with, 'she', third,
fourth both start with 'he'.

<smiles sheepishly> Yeah, I have a bad habit of doing this...

   The bit about him moving like a shark helps, though.

Thanks.

The man seemed unperturbed and leaned in closer to her. Involuntarily,
she felt a pleasurable shudder shoot through her body. She grimaced,
hating the way her body betrayed her. She turned her head away and
stared at the elevator panel.

   The panel is a wall? Or the control panel?

I meant the control panel. I don't know if there's any other way to describe what that thing on the wall is. Is control panel the correct terminology?

in her bed; thoughts racing through her mind.

   Commage.

   'her' bed? Isn't it Souji's?

Yeah, it's Souji's....thanks for catching that.

When her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she carefully removed Souji's
arm from her for the second time that night and stood up. She gathered
her clothes that were strewn around the bedroom and began to dress,
making as little noise as possible. She then left the apartment without
so much of a glance behind her,  and took the elevator up to the
penthouse.

   Her eyes adjusted to total darkness?

Hmm....maybe I'll rephrase that if there's some confusion. She adjusted to the darkness so she was able to see at least shapes.

Once inside her safe haven, she slammed the door behind her and leaned
against it. She slid slowly down the door until she was sitting and
hugged her knees together against her body. Her face was stony, but the
rest of her body revealed her actual feelings as she trembled. Not for
the first time, Nabiki Tendou was feeling very much alone in this world.

   Hm. Well, normally go for the mythic/action stuff, and this isn't
really my cup-of-tea, so to speak... but it managed to grab my
attention. I'm curious to see where it goes.

Well, for a mythic/action guy, I'm glad it at least caught your attention. :) It is going in that sort of direction though- just to warn you.  Thank you for the feedback. <bows down> It's greatly appreciated.


Kris Stingray

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