Hey,
Thanks to some insightful feedback from Sining, VGAP a few others I've
gone back and made some important revisions to this story. Things should
now be a bit more in tune with events in the game.
Key to A Locked Heart
By
Skyrocket
Tomorrow is graduation day. It�s strange. When I first entered high
school I dreaded every new day. There were even days when I was sure I�d
rather quite school then get up and endure another day.
But it�s not like that now. Now, as strange as it sounds, I wish school
could go on forever. And it�s not because I�m afraid to leave the world
of high school or to finally go out into the adult world (well, maybe
the last one just a bit). It�s because school is the place I think of
when I think of�him. And now that school�s almost over it�ll mean that
we�re going to be separated, most likely for the rest of our lives.
I have to be strong. I have to be brave. Tomorrow isn�t just graduation,
it�s also my last chance. My last chance to say what I should have said
months ago. My last chance�to tell him that I love him.
~*~
So if I must be lonely
I think I'd rather be alone
>From Save Yourself by Stabbing Westward
It all started so simply. It was a few weeks into the first
semester of the first year at school. I�d wanted to be alone so I�d gone
up to the roof of the school thinking it would be empty. I was right so
I spent some time staring down at the schoolyard, watching the other
students talking, joking, laughing and all the other things normal kids
my age did. But I wasn�t a normal girl. I was a �strange� girl.
That was when the roof access door opened and I first saw him. I
hate myself for it now, but my first reaction to seeing him was
annoyance. All I�d wanted was to be alone and now someone had come along
and ruined it. He was wearing a gym outfit so I guessed he�d just gotten
out of gym class and had come to the roof to cool off. He gave me a
glance and a nod and then went over to the end of the roof far from
where I was. I gave a mental shrug and went back to looking at the
schoolyard. As long as he was willing to stay over there and leave me
alone I could live was with sharing the roof.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost didn�t notice him
when he came over and spoke to me a few minutes later. I'm embarrassed
to say this, but I don�t really remember exactly what it was he said
now. It was just a casual comment, the type you might make to a
stranger on the street, but it was the first time since I�d started
school that anyone had made any sort of an effort to talk to me.
After that he introduced himself. I was honestly a little annoyed
by him talking to me. Couldn�t he tell by the way I was standing that I
wanted to be alone? I remember wondering if he�d picked on my feelings
simply by the way I�d said �My name is Kaori Yae�.
He tried to chat with me for a few minutes but I gave the most
minimalist answers I could. After awhile he said goodbye and headed for
his next class. I thought I was glad to be alone again. But then it
dawned on me. I couldn�t really remember the last time some had tried to
have had a simple conversation with me. People kept their distance from
me and I stayed away from them. But for some reason I realized I�d
somewhat enjoyed that little chat (if you could call it that) with the
boy I�d just met. It�d been a very long time since I�d enjoyed doing
anything with anyone.
I thought that would be the end of it, but I kept running into him
again and again at school. Every time I ran into him we�d talk a bit
longer, almost always about some aspect of school life, and then at some
point one of us would have to go and that would be the end of it. I
tried to deny it, but more and more I started to look forward to those
moments. They were little things, but they reminded me of how my life
was before�no, I�m not ready to think about that just yet.
Then one day the phone rang. It was him and he was asking me out on
a date. A real date. I almost dropped the phone I was so surprised.
Someone wanted to take me out on a date? No, this just couldn�t be
right.
Though I was curious as to why he was asking me out I decided it
would be best to politely turn him down. He sounded a bit disappointed
but accepted my refusal and said he�d to talk to me at school they next
time we met. I made a noncommittal sound and then said goodbye.
Once I hung up I went back to my room and stared into my fishtank. A
boy had asked me, the strange girl, out on a date. Could it be that he
honestly liked me, or did he do it because he felt sorry for me? I may
not have been the sort of girl who had friends, but it�s just about
impossible to keep anything private in our high school. Even I�d heard
that he�d already gone out on dates with Hikari Hinomoto, Akane
Ichimonji, Miho Shirayuki, Kaedeko Sakura and a few of the other girls
at school. Now it seemed he wanted to go out with me. What did it all
mean?
I�d thought that phone call would be the end of him trying to ask me
out. Much to my surprise he called a few more times over the following
weeks inviting me places. Each time I said no, but each time doing so
also got harder. I might have been a strange girl, but I was still a
sixteen year girl who couldn�t shake the desire to do normal things like
going with boys.
It was the fifth time that was the charm. I�d been doing some
homework when he called. After he asked the question I looked over at my
books and suddenly thought about how, other than homework, I rarely had
any sort of plans for the weekend. And while I do actually like learning
even I get bored with schoolwork sometimes.
Maybe it was the desire for a break in my routine, maybe I just
wanted the chance to a bit more like a normal girl for a few hours or
maybe it was destiny, but something made me agree to go out with him.
He�d called me about the date Sunday evening and wanted to know if
we could go out that Friday night. All though that week of school the
question of why he�d really asked me out kept eating at me. And then
suddenly it was Friday night. I remember getting ready for our date,
thinking that maybe, just maybe, this could be the first step back
toward being a normal girl. So as not to make to big a deal out of it
I�d decided to wear my school uniform for the date. I stopped to look in
the mirror one last time before I was to leave to meet him. I actually
smiled a bit, thinking that I looked rather nice.
That was when a voice in my head said �Wake up, Kaori! You know he�s
only doing this because he pities you. Normal guys like him go out with
normal girls like Hikari. Not with strange girls like you!�
I actually shouted �No, that�s not true!� out loud and even hit the
mirror with my fist. But the damage was done. Was he doing this just out
of pity? Could a normal boy really see something he liked in a girl like
me? Was it all part of some horrible trick? God, no, please don�t let it
be a trick! I couldn�t take being hurt like that again.
Then I ran back to my room, crawled under my bedcovers, buried my
head under my pillow and cried for a very long time. Why couldn�t I be
normal? Why was I always alone? Why couldn�t I have a normal boy like me
for who I am? Why couldn�t I join school clubs, have friends and go on
dates like a normal girl? Why did my life always have to be this way?
~*~
I woke up the next morning still wearing my uniform. I looked in
the glass of my fishtank and saw that my eyes were still red from all
the crying I�d done. I then got myself cleaned up, changed clothes and
thought about what he happened last night.
Why had I done that? I�d had a chance to be something like a normal
girl, if just for one night but I�d run away from it. It�s not like I
had any evidence anyone was trying to trick me. Maybe he just wanted to
spend some time with me outside of school. Maybe I was strange, but I
wasn�t out and out unpleasant to be around. Right?
Whatever the case I knew that I could have handled last night
better. I then gave him a quick call apologized and even offered an
excuse. If he truly believed that excuse or just played along with me I
don�t think I�ll ever know. But once I�d said I was sorry he asked me
out again, this time to the park.
I almost dropped the phone again. After what I�d done he still
wanted to go out with me? Somehow I managed to find the courage to say
yes. One date, one taste of being a normal girl was all I wanted.
The day of our date I made it a point not to look at anything with
a reflective surface. I still didn�t want this to be a big deal so again
I donned my school uniform. I took a breath to steel myself and then
headed for the park where he was waiting for me.
For the next hour or so we just walked in the park. We talked about
school, the park and even people we just happen to see walking by. Well,
he actually did most of the talking. Not because he was any sort of
motormouth or anything; it was because I couldn�t find it in myself to
give anything more than a very short answer to anything he said. I was
so overwhelmed by the fact that I was out on a normal date that I could
barely speak.
No, that�s not 100% true. The fact that I was enjoying myself, that
I was enjoying the company of another person the way I was, that was
what scared me.
It was when we sat down on a bench by the river that things started to
go wrong. That�s when he stared to ask me questions. Looking back on it
now I can see how harmless those questions were. Little things like what
did my parents do for a living, what kind of activities did I like,
where did I go to school before our school and that sort of thing. I may
think those questions weren�t anything now, just the normal types of
things you ask anyone you want to get to know better, but that�s not
what I thought then.
Why was he asking these things? Did he really care about my life?
Did he know about my past? Was he someone I could trust? No, I couldn�t
trust him no matter how nice he seemed. Not him or anyone else. Not
after what happened at my old school.
I�d managed to dodge his questions for the mostpart, but the
turmoil inside me eventually got to much for me. I said something curt
to him and simply ran off. Just like a strange girl like myself would.
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep again that night.
~*~
At that point I considered whatever might have been between us to be
dead. I dreaded going to school more than ever before. Because I knew
that sooner or later I�d see him in the halls and he�d look at me
and�and it would hurt even more.
For whatever reason I didn�t see him at school for several days
after our date. Was he avoiding him? I made it a point to eavesdrop on
the conversations of some of the more gossipy girl at school to see if
there were stories going around about what had happened. They were
indeed talking about him, but it was only about how he�d recently gone
out with Miyuki Kotobuki. Had he keep what happened on our date a
secret?
I spent the whole day thinking about what I�d learned and by the
time the last bell rang I felt wound as tight as a spring. I decided to
break from my normal routine of going straight home after school and to
try and relax by swimming for a bit in the school pool. One of the nice
things about Hibikino High is that students can use its pool after
classes on days when the swim team wasn�t practicing. Lucky for me today
was such a day.
After changing into the swimsuit I keep in my gym locker I headed
for the pool area. Luck was still with me as no one else was there. I
figured I had maybe two or three hours to swim before the janitor came
by to close the place up.
I�m not sure how long I spent doing laps around the pool, diving to
the bottom and seeing how long I could stay there and things like that.
But eventually I started to get tired and decided to climb out and rest
for a while. I was sitting by the poolside, not thinking of much of
anything when I realized that someone had walked up was standing beside
me. It was him, also wearing a bathing suit.
Oh no, here it comes, I thought. This is were he�ll say something
to me about what happened on our date. Why did I have to stay behind at
school on today of all days!?
But instead he simply said hello and asked if I liked to swim. That
was the exact opposite of what I�d been expecting, but I managed to
cover and told him that I did indeed like swimming. We then began our
little ritual of small talk all over again. I couldn�t believe it. After
the way I�d acted on our date he was totally willing to pretend it never
happened. Could this be a sign that he did really like me?
I was just starting to get into our conversation when he
inadvertently dropped a bombshell on me. He said he�d decided to join
the school�s volleyball team. I�ve loved volleyball since I was a kid,
but with the way I am around people I knew that actually joining at team
would never work. I was sure I had the skill to be on a school team, but
I also knew that a team would never accept someone like me as one of
them.
And now here I was faced with a boy who�d been very kind to me
going out and doing something I could only dream of. Somehow that just
wasn�t fair! Why should he be able to have those things and not me?
Just then he broke me from my inner thoughts by asking if I�d like
to swim with him. I got control of myself and said that I had to be
going. I had just turned to leave when suddenly he asked me if I was
free next weekend.
Another date? After what had happened the last two times he was still
willing to go out with me? Just what were his intentions toward me?
I don�t know if it was because I wanted to try and find out just
what his intentions toward me were, if it was to say I was sorry for the
way our late two dates had gone, if it was still that desire I had to be
like a normal girl, or some combination of all three but I again said
yes.
There was still about a week and a half before out date. I hadn�t
even talked to him about where we were going to go and yet I kept
thinking about it. And him. Maybe if I knew more about him I could
figure out why he kept asking me out.
I checked some of the school bulletin boards and found out that the
volleyball would be practicing in the gym that Friday after school. And
since he�d just joined the team it was likely that he�d be there. I
don�t know why, but for some reason I felt that if I could see him
playing the sport that meant so much to me I�d get some clue as to how
he felt about me. I know how silly it sounds now, but at the time it
made sense.
That Friday at practice time I snuck over to the gym and peeked in
the window. Sure enough, he and the rest of the volleyball team were
there and already in the middle of a practice game. I stood there and
watched him play. This may sound corny, but I believe that if a person
truly loves to do something then it will show when they�re doing it. I
knew that when I swam and played volleyball the happiness I feel shines
so that anyone who looks at me could tell I was enjoying myself. I saw
that exact same look on him as he played.So we really did have something
in common; a true love of volleyball. I knew it was a small thing, but
just for a moment then, I wanted to be in that gym playing right by his
side.
Just then he jumped up and slammed the ball over the net and
straight toward the floor. Two of the kids on the other team dived for
it but missed. As it turned out that was the point that won his side the
match. His team gave a victory cheer and I noticed one of the girls on
his team giving him an appreciative look. A look then said she was
interested in more than his abilities on the court.
After that I decided I couldn�t take it anymore and went home. I
spent several hours in my room alternating between staring into my
fishtank and glancing over at the volleyball that had lay unused for so
long in a dusty corner.
~*~
He called me a few days later to ask if I�d be interested in
going to the aquarium for our date. I smiled just a little when I told
him that would be fine. In addition to swimming and volleyball I also
happen to really like fish. All the hours I�ve spent staring into my
fishtank can certainly attest to that. Had he know somehow about how I
felt about fish or was this some lucky coincidence? I thought about that
for a while and then decided that just this once I wouldn�t care.
Considering how our first two attempts at going out had ended I
was nervous about what might happen this time around. But much to my
surprise the evening started off nice and stayed that way. The aquarium
had added several new exhibits since the last time I was there and we
ended up seeing almost all of them. We went to a dolphin show, the
penguin house, a small theater showing a documentary on some scientists
studying a deep ocean trench, several tanks with fish from all over the
world, the pens where the seals, walruses and sea turtles when kept and
even an exhibit on new types of undersea exploration vehicles.
By then it was getting close to the aquarium�s closing time but I
wanted a last look at the tropical fish exhibit. Soon the two of us were
in front of the exhibit, staring at some fish that normally swim in the
waters of the Caribbean Sea. I remember whispering about how beautiful
the fish were. He then asked me if I liked fish. And that�s when it
happened. I turned to answer him but was stopped by his face. The look
in his eyes�it was so clear that even I could sense that he was truly
interested in my answer. I know it�s another thing that most people
wouldn�t consider very important but it cut me to the quick.
I then got a hold on myself and managed to say that I did indeed
like fish very much. Then I found myself talking about the fish I kept
in my room and how I liked to watch them swim. I couldn�t believe I�d
shared something like that with him! I�d yet to tell anyone at school
that I liked fish, much less owned some.
But he only smiled and told my that my fish were lucky to be owned
by someone who must of cared for them very much. In spite of myself I
gave him a small smile.
It was then that he reached into his coat and took out a small blue
box wrapped in yellow ribbon and handed it to me. He said it was a thank
you gift for all the fun he�d had on our dates. He said it was also a
belated birthday gift since he hadn�t known my birthday until just
recently.
I just stood there silent trying to figure out what to do. Should I
open it now? Later? What was it? How did he find out my birthday? And
how could he want to give me something after the way our previous dates
had gone?
I guess he read my indecision as embarrassment because he said that
it wasn�t anything special and that I could open it later at home if I
wanted. I just nodded, said a little �Thank you,� and slipped the
package into my pocket.
Once I got home I headed for my room, sat down on the bed and opened
my gift. Inside was a small but beautiful piece of jewelry shaped like a
cat. I love cats just as much as I love fish and again I wondered if him
somehow knowing just the sort of thing I would like was just luck or if
he�d somehow gone to the trouble to find out my tastes. And if he had
gone though all that trouble why? Could it be that he liked me that
much?
As soon as that thought went though my head I discounted it. I
suddenly remembered that the school gossip mill had said he�d also given
gifts to the other girls he�d been seeing on their birthdays. I wasn�t
sure what they�d been given, but from what I�d heard the girls and been
very pleased with their gifts.
So what did that mean for me? That he was treating me the same as
the other girls he was going out with? Was that really a bad thing? If
he was going out with them and giving them birthday presents then he
must have seen something in them that he liked. What could it be that he
sees in me? Does he see anything in me, or was I right before and he�s
just spending time with me because he pities me?
It was all just to much to think about right then. No matter what
happened I�d have to thank him for the gift the next time I saw him.
Whatever his reasons for giving it to me I couldn�t deny that I liked
it.
I sat the jewelry by my fishtank and then went to bed. In my dreams
I kept seeing fish swimming in the air interspersed with images of him
smiling.
~*~
Hold me closer, closer
let me go let me be just let me be
>From Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart by Stone Temple Pilots
Things continued on like that for another few months. He�d call me
up every few weeks and we�d go someplace like the public pool, the
botanical garden, a movie or some such place. As before he always seemed
to pick some place that I�d like. And every time we�d do something I�d
find myself talking a bit more, smiling a bit more feeling�normal just a
precious bit more.
I enjoyed spending time with him, that much I was willing to admit
to myself. But was I started to have feelings for him? After what had
happened at my old school was I really willing to let myself start to
feel those sort of things again? I found myself looking into a mirror a
lot then, trying to convince myself that it wasn�t true. But even I
could only lie to myself for long. Eventually I was able to admit it to
myself; I did have feelings for him.
God help me.
I knew he was going out with other girls besides me and honestly
that didn�t bother me. He asked them out about as often as he did me so
it wasn�t as if anyone one of us was receiving any sort of special
attention from him. Besides, I was enjoying the time I spent with him.
And as sacred as I was about what I was feeling I didn�t want to stop
being around him.
At least that was how things were until that faithful ski trip. It
was just after New Year�s and I�d found that my feelings for him were
getting stronger. For Christmas he�d gotten me a very nice pair of
volleyball shoes in just the right size and in a color I liked. I felt
like I wanted to die when I explained that I hadn�t gotten him anything.
He just smiled and said that if I�d agree to go on a ski date with him
next week that would be present enough.
I agreed and soon found myself digging my old ski outfit from the back
of my closet. I considered myself lucky that I�d actually skied a few
times before. I wasn�t very good, but at least I�d be able to walk in my
skis without falling flat on my butt. Hopefully.
On the day of our date he met me at the Hibikino Train Station
where we quickly boarded the train to the resort, our usual small talk
filling up the ride. Once we arrived and secured out ski passed it was
time to hit the slopes. I felt my heart pounding a bit harder than
normal then. Was it because I was with him or was it in preparation for
the skiing to come?
Whatever it was I started to feel better once we started skiing. To
my relief he wasn�t much better at it than I was. On our second run down
an easy slope he took a turn to fast and ended up in a snowbank. I
remember feeling scared that he may have been hurt as I skied over to
check on him. But just as I got there he managed to dig himself free. He
then turned at me and chuckled as he brushed some snow from his hair. I
remember thinking how he happened to look kinda cute then.
That thought almost made blush. I remember hoped the cold on my face
had hidden it. I then said since he was okay we should get back to
skiing. We then did another three runs with no problem. But the fourth
run was when it happened.
I was almost to the bottom of the slope when I hit a rock and took a
tumble. As soon as I stopped and regained my wits I realized that my
left ankle hurt. I reached back to examine it to see if it was broken.
Over a lot of years of playing volleyball I�ve had my share of sprained
ankles so I know quite well how to tell a sprain from an actual break.
Lucky for me it was just a sprain.
That was the moment he skied up asking if I was okay. I looked up at
him to assure him I was okay but the look in his eyes stopped me cold. I
saw concern which was to be expected. But what I didn�t count on seeing
was fear. He�d honestly been afraid that I might have been seriously
hurt. He was probably feeling the same way I�d felt when I saw him crash
into that snowbank.
But I�d felt that fear for his safety because�because�I was starting
to have real feelings for him! If he was worried about me in the same
way could in be that he felt the same way toward me?
No. No. No! It couldn�t be! Normal boys don�t like strange girls!
Not with girls like me! That�s just the way things are and I was foolish
to think otherwise!
I quietly assured him that I was all right and said that we should
get going. Tomorrow would be our first day back at school and if we
wanted get back home in time to get enough sleep we should leave now. He
seemed a bit puzzled by my attitude but agreed.
It was on the ride home that I told him I didn�t think we should see
each other anymore. He almost choked on the soda he�d been sipping but
quickly regained his composure. Then he started to ask me why. I knew
this part would be hard, but, god, it was more difficult than I ever
thought it would be. I wanted to ask him how he felt about me right then
and there more than I ever wanted anything in my life. But if I did that
and it turned out he didn�t feel the way I though he did about me�I
couldn�t even think of that it was so horrible.
All I would say in regard to his questions was that I though that
this would be best for both of us. After a while he gave up asking me
things and we finished the trip in silence. Neither of us said anything
when he dropped me off at home either. I remember watching him walk away
and just for a crazy moment wanting to run after him to tell him that I
didn�t mean what I said and that I cared about him.
Instead I went back inside the house, changed, made myself a quick
dinner, watched a bit of TV and went to bed. I cried myself to sleep
again that night.
~*~
You don't know how you move me
Deconstruct me
And consume me
I'm all used up
I'm out of luck
I am starstruck
By something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive
But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think, baby, you don't know
>From Sick of Myself by Matthew Sweet
The next day at school I found myself dreading seeing him in the
halls again. But by the time class was over I�d yet to see him. In a way
I was glad since I didn�t feel the pain I knew would come once I laid
eyes on him. But in another way I was scared, since that meant I�d have
go though tomorrow feeling the same sense of dread I�d had all of today.
As if that wasn�t enough it turned out that it was my day to help clean
the classroom. Normally two students do this, but the girl who was
supposed to help me was absent.
I was cleaning the chalkboard when I heard someone rapping on the
class door behind me. I turned and somehow I knew who would be standing
there. It was him. He said hello in a manner more formal that his norm
and asked if we could talk. Part of me wanted to just start crying and
apologize to him right then. Instead I just turned back to the
chalkboard and said I didn�t think I had anything to say to him.
Then he said if that�s how I felt that was fine but that he had
something he wanted to say. I stopped washing the board and turned to
look at him again. He then said that if he�d done something to make me
mad or hurt my feelings that he was sorry. He said that he considered me
a friend who he liked to spend time with and whose friendship he didn�t
want to lose. And once more he asked me why I didn�t want to be around
him anymore.
Unbelievable. He was blaming himself again for my reactions to my
feelings for him. I couldn�t believe I didn�t realize it sooner. In
wanting to protect myself from my feelings for him I�d ended up hurting
him. I�d hurt the only person in so long to show any real amount of
kindness. I�d hurt the person I�
While I�d been thinking all that he�d been waiting for me to say
something. I asked him if he really considered me a friend. He nodded
and said he considered me a very good friend at that was why he didn�t
want to stop seeing me.
And I knew, in my heart, what he�d said was absolutely true. He did
consider me a friend and he did like to spend time with me. After so
long I�d finally found one person whose words I could believe no matter
what. I�d found someone I could trust again.
I said that since those were his words I couldn�t help but believe
them. I then told him that what I�d said on the train was just an
overreaction to being embarrassed about him seeing me hurt myself
skiing.
This time I was sure he didn�t believe my story but he let it pass
and offered to help me clean the classroom. The extra set of hands
helped the work go quicker, but not as much as the newfound lightness I
suddenly found in my heart.
Once we were done we walked to my house together, talking about
everyday things just as we always had. We when reached my house he asked
me if I�d be interested in going to the aquarium again this weekend. I
accepted and again gave him a little smile.
I remember laying in my bed that night, turning the day�s events
over and over again in my head. I remember actually feeling scared
whenever I thought about just how close I�d come to driving him away. I
thought about how safe I suddenly felt knowing that I now had at least
one person I could trust. And I remember finally admitting to myself
that I really did care for him.
I went to sleep smiling that night.
To be continued...
Skyrocket
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