on 8/22/01 12:49 AM, Pablo R. Ar�valo at PAREVALO@bak.rr.com wrote:

First of all: 

Thanks to everyone who commented on the original posting.

This is a re-titled, revised version of chapter 1 of what was
originally titled "The Returner." That title was just plain lousy, so
I borrowed one from Allan Sherman, whose song I'll mangle and
paraphrase for chapter titles throughout the rest of this story.
Also, there are bits of lime-y fresh goodness throughout, but nothing
too lemony, so you have been warned.

======================================================================

 
Pablo, my notes and commentaries are enclosed in square [] brackets.
 
Please bear in mind that I am trying to help, not offend.
 
Don Granberry.

Hello Mother!

Ch.1.  Hello father!

It was late on a Sunday evening, when a lone, travel-worn figure
finally arrived at a once familiar door.  Did the place still look the
same as it did the last time?  Or had something been altered?  It was
the right address, on any case.  Opening the unlocked door and walking
in, the figure paused for a moment to try to figure out the layout of
the place, not trusting old memories as a guide to a place that may
have changed since the last visit.  Wiping some dust from itself, the
person looked around the trashed living room with a slightly
disapproving nod.  Feeling oddly reassured by the mess, and the vague
impact noises coming from the back of the house, a single thought came
to mind.

 [Okay, we are in the point of view of someone, or something arriving at
what seems to be perfectly normal house, or is it? What's going on? Are we
about to discover that we are actually in a galaxy far, far a way or are we
in good old Nerima? Are we seeing things from the perspective of a
terrestrial being or are we dealing with a perfectly mundane, human being
... or a not-so-mundane denizen of Nerima? The pronoun "itself" raises so
many questions in the reader's mind at the beginning of a story that you
should avoid using it, unless you want raise those questions in the reader's
mind. For the purposes of this yarn, and this is just my judgement,
"herself" or "himself" are the only two good choices you have available to
you, nods to political correctness notwithstanding.

Welcome home.   

"Oh my!  What a mess!  I was hoping you two could stand being
alone by yourselves for a while, but it seems I barely made it back in
time.  Well, I suppose I'll have to clean this whole mess up later.
For now, I want both of you to get over here and let me take a good
look at you!"

Still a little confused from a combination of exhaustion and
mutually inflicted concussions, the two bruised men slowly untangled
themselves from each other to comply with the woman's commands.

[The very last prepositional phrase in this sentence clanks upon the mind's
ear like a cow bell. I suggest rewording the entire thing, breaking it up
into at least two, separate sentences.]

Taking a quick look at their young visitor, the older of the two
whispered: "So, Ranma, who's this?  She looks familiar, but I can't
quite place her. 
Some new girlfriend of yours, maybe? She's cute, but I thought bossy
women like her weren't your type."

"Look old man, I've got no clue who that girl that just barged in
is, but she's getting on my nerves.  I just hope this is not another
one of your stupid schemes again.
I'm getting sick of being set up with blind dates every time you meet
someone with a single daughter.
You're the one who hasn't seen a woman, much less his own wife, in
about ten years, not me.  So please, just leave me out of it.  Your
frustrations with women are your problem, pops, not mine." Replied a
grumbling Ranma.

 
[That is a lot of dialogue for Ranma to get out all in one spiel. I suggest
having Genma interrupt him with a few counterclaims or something. A little
back and forth between the two of them would improve it greatly.]

With a shake of her head and a few disapproving tsks, the
aforementioned girl replied, "You know Dear, whispering like that in
front of someone else is just rude.  I know you are excited to finally
see me again, and you are probably just trying to arrange a little
time alone with me, but I have barely finished a very long trip and
I'm really worn out.  I've really missed having you around too,
(especially at night,) but I'm reaaally tired.
Maybe we can do something later? Just not right now, please?  I would
probably be quite disappointing to a manly man such as you right now.
Now come on, and get back inside.  I'd like to get to see you both
before I collapse from exhaustion.
And could you turn on some lights?  It's getting late and I'd like to
be able to see you both clearly."

[Again, this strikes me s entirely too much dialogue for one character to
deliver without interruption. It wants for a little more interaction between
the characters. ]
 

With an ill-concealed look of fatherly disapproval towards his
son, Genma complied with the request.

"She's lyin!  I ain't seen her before in my life, or slept with
her, or nothing!"  Replied a very flustered Ranma.

"Honey, what are you talking about?  You used to cry when you
couldn't sleep with me, and my face would be the first thing you saw
when you woke up.  You were such a cute baby back then, and now, you
have grown up to be quite a handsome young man.

 
[Okay! This must be Nodoka, so here is an "OOC" warning for whatever it is
worth. The Nodoka in the series has always been rather more interested in
having her son back. Her interest in Genma, is practically non-existent.
This may well not be the case for your version of the character. If so,
that's fine, just be advised that many are going to be critical of the story
on this point and you'll have to do some pretty tall writing to overcome
it.]

Besides, I was speaking to your father, my husband.
Genma, dear, you think you could give me a back rub when I get in to
take a bath?  I'm a little sore from traveling, and you're soo good
with your hands. 

 
[Here you should give us some clue as to how Genma is reacting to these
assertions. Happy, frightened, sad? It would also break up Nodoka's
interminable soliloquy.]

Ranma-honey, you really should get your father to teach you some of
his other techniques, as some of them are really quite good.  His
back rubs, in particular, will melt any girl to butter.
A handsome, manly young man like yourself should have plenty of
willing girls just waiting for a chance with you to use those
techniques on them.  Trust me, they'll love it."

 
[At some point in this part of the discourse, it help if Ranma's reaction
were described.]

"..."  After a few minutes of stunned silence, a very
uncomfortable Ranma finally reacted with a cracking of knuckles and a
loud  "Yo, Pops!  We need to talk.  Now.  Ya better have a very good
explanation for this!"

Too stunned to respond, a shocked Genma still remained at a loss
for words.  It was perhaps fortunate for him that his 'wife' chose
that time to speak, and briefly prolong his continued existence.

 
[It should be "prolonging" rather than "prolong."]

"Son, I'm glad you are so eager to learn, but cracking your
knuckles doesn't really help.  Besides, he doesn't have to show you
right now, does he?  I'm going in to take a bath, and I wanted him to
scrub my back the way he used to before I left."  Unfortunately for
Ranma's resolve, the combined strength of an ultra-cute smile and big,
batting eyes, followed by a "Pleaaase, dear?" reduced his will to
jelly for long enough to agree to the strange girl's demands.

 
[If Ranma's will has been sapped, why bother with the " ... long enough to
agree ... ." It is superfluous. ]

 With a brief question to verify if the bath supplies and towels were still at
the usual spot near the bathroom, the girl left to take her bath.

 
[At this point there is an abrupt change in point of view. We are no longer
riding around in Nodoka's head, but are now in the room watching and
listening to everything going on. Actually, for the purposes of this
chapter, I think you would have been better off starting with this point of
view.]

Both men had found themselves agreeing to the strange girl's
requests before they could quite realize what was happening to them.
However, Ranma still retained enough presence of mind to prevent his
father's rushed escape through the back door.

 
[When action takes place, it is much more entertaining when you describe.
This comes off as lifeless, perfunctory almost. We all know from reading, or
just looking at the pictures in the manga how Genma behaves in these kinds
of situations, but you do not have the advantage of being able to tell the
story with pictures. You must write about the action so that the reader
feels as though he has actually experienced it.]
 

This would have been quite an impressive feat in Genma's misspent youth, but

those days 

were long past.  As it was, it was merely a matter of grabbing the
collar of a dingy white gi at the appropriate time and place.
Why was pops wearing that ratty old thing now, anyway?  He usually
wore more normal clothing for everyday.  Oh well, not important.

 
[Here we have another abrupt in point of view, this time into Ranma's
perspective on the scene. A change in POV needs to be telegraphed to the
reader in advance, especially if you change POV's in the same scene. I try
to never change POV during the same scene, unless I have the bearer of that
POV leave or go "off-stage" as it were.]

"All right, old man...
...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT GIRL?
WHO IS SHE?  
HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS HOUSE, AND WHY DOES SHE CLAIM TO BE YOUR WIFE?"
She can't be much older than me if we knew each other when we were
little.  So... She has to be about my age.
I know I can't get married yet, so unless she's older than me, and she
just got married to you...  So, it's gotta be invalid or illegal or
something.
But... She really only looks about my age, or maybe even a little
younger, and it sounded like she knew both pops and the house a little
too well, so those two have known each other for a while, which
means... 

 
[Now you are suffering the consequences of not having the right POV at the
beginning. If you had begun the story with the omniscient POV, we would
already know what Nodoka looked like because you would have had the means of
describing her. As it is, you are now forced to have Ranma describe her in a
piece of dialogue that is  unnaturally long for any character other than a
politician, and way, way out of character for Ranma.]

... 
"...EWWW, THAT IS JUST TOO SICK AND DISGUSTING!
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T PERFECT, OLD MAN, BUT THIS IS JUST WRONG!
You musta met that girl by a Junior High or somethin' an brought her
here several times before!  I don't even wanna know what you done with
her to make her think she's married t'ya now, but you better send her
back home, quick!
I really hope there's a really good explanation for all a this,
and that this ain't what ya mean by the 'loyal husband' crap you been
trying to pull on me all these times, because otherwise, I'm calling
the cops and leaving this place.  You might be my father, but family
loyalty only goes so far, old man."

"Boy, your poor trust for me hurts!  You can't really believe That
Girl?  I'd never, ever, ever cheat on your mother!
Come on, when have I ever lied to you?"  Replied a very upset Genma.

"Gee, let's see...  You wanna long list, or just this week?"

"OK, fine.  Carry a grudge.  I make one or two mistakes here and
there, and you get reminded forever.  When have I lied about anything
really important?"

Unfortunately for Genma, what could have been an enlightening
discussion of his son's personal priorities was interrupted by a
mature female voice heading towards them from the direction of the
bathroom.

"Genma!  Ranma!   Are you two gonna argue all night?  I got tired
of waiting, so I finished my bath already.  I don't know what you two
are so upset about, but I could hear the noise all the way in the
bathroom!"  Suppressing a yawn, the woman continued.  "I want you both
to stop it this instant, and go to bed.  It's late, I'm tired, and
tomorrow is a school day, so I'll have to get up early to make some
bentos, plus I don't want to see you two fighting like that in the
house.  
So whatever it was, put it behind you for now, or take it out to the
dojo tomorrow after school, if you have to."

With a heavy glomp, a very loud "YOU'RE HOME!  I'VE MISSED YOU SO
MUCH, DEAR!" and a few un-manly tears of joy, Genma Saotome was
finally reunited with his beloved wife of sixteen years. "Where were
you?  I was expecting you much earlier today, but it doesn't matter,
you are here now.  That is all that matters to me.  How have you been?
Where have you been?  Did you miss us?  I missed you.  Please don't
leave again!"

A few moments later, during a small pause in Genma's constant
questioning and prattling, a much quieter voice made two important
questions.  "Excuse me ma'am, but who are you?  And, what happened to
the girl who went into the bathroom earlier?"

Looking up from a still emotional Genma, Nodoka answered with a
"Huh?  Are you OK, son?  I think I introduced myself when I came in
and saw you guys in the living room.  I'm your mother, Nodoka.
Nobody else has been in the bathroom since I went in to take a bath,
son.  What did this girl look like, Ranma?"

"Well, she was about my age, with bright red hair, about as long
as yours, I think.  She was a bit shorter than me, and was wearing a
slightly oversized kimono.  Actually, that kimono looked like it would
probably fit you, ...mom."

"I think her eyes were the same color as yours, dear, and now that
I think about it, she reminded me of a lot of you when you were
younger."  Replied a more composed, happy husband.

With a big yawn and sleepy eyes, Nodoka replied.  "Well, I think I
would remember seeing someone who looked so much like me around, but I
haven't seen anyone but you two since I got here."  With a mischievous
twinkle in her eye, she continued.  "Genma dear, I am falling asleep
here, so I'm going to bed.  Care to join me?"


======================================================================


Well, if you've made it this far, it is probably time for an Official
Disclaimer break.

1. As you should no doubt know by now, the characters and situations
used are not mine.  They belong to someone else.  It is not my intent
to make a profit out of this at all.
(If you feel strangely compelled to give me your money anyway, e-mail
me privately, and I'll arrange to make something ORIGINAL for you to
pay me for.  Just don't do it for anything like this, or we're liable
to end in legal trouble for it.)

2. Given the emphasis on this version of Nodoka, some amount of
suggestive material may be present throughout this fic.  Be prepared
to wander into Lime territory.  If this type of material offends you,
I apologize, and fully expect you to delete it from your inbox upon
receipt.

As usual C&C is Good, Flames are Bad, and Chocolate is yummy!


Now, here's the rest of the chapter:

[Aarhg! Please put this sort of thing at the beginning, or the end, not
smack in the middle of the yarn. Verisimilitude is a fragile thing, and you
tear it to pieces when you do this. This is prose fiction, not a television
story.]

======================================================================


Laying awake in bed, Ranma pondered the strange events that had
led to tonight's strange reunion.

It had apparently begun in that same living room, only a few hours
earlier that evening.  A common argument was being repeated, as he
discussed certain family matters with his balding, corpulent father.

"Look pops, I don't care what you say.  There's just no way mom's
ever coming back!  She's gone, she left us, and you'll just have to
deal!  I can barely remember what she looks like no more!
I know you still claim that she's on some kinda 'training' trip, and
that those letters and post cards we get every once in a while really
are from her, but come on!  That trick mighta worked on me when I was
a little kid, but for you to carry it for ten years is just too much!
Admit it: You're full of it!  Don'tcha think a normal person woulda
been back by now?  Nobody goes on training trips that are that long!
You should have just accepted that she's gone and moved on with your
life, dad.  I know I have."

"Ungrateful brat!  Your mother has suffered through many hardships
to improve herself!  It takes time and commitment to become proficient
at anything, particularly martial arts skills.
So it has taken your mother a while to improve her skills to level
appropriate to her station in our family! The least you could do is
show some patience."
No matter how hard I tried to convince her to learn something else,
she insisted on kendo and other sword forms.  Nothing pleases me more
than seeing to her happiness, but she was just plain dangerous before
all this.  It pains me to admit that it was not due to the skill she
displayed with that katana of hers.  Oh gods and ancestors, please let
her have learned some control!  Or at the very least, a better sword
gripping technique, please.
Heh.  That is one thing Ranma and Nodoka have in common, they are both
stubborn as mules.
"Besides, according to this postcard I just got, you are completely
wrong.  The woman I married, your mother, is coming home!  She will be
here soon, and I will not have you give her any of your lip!  So
there! Nyaa!"  With a red-eye gesture and an enormously self-righteous
grin, The portly patriarch of the Saotome family started waving a
travel-worn postcard just slightly away from his son's reach.

"I don't believe you, old man!  That's just another one out of
your sick perverted collection of postcards!  What kind of a woman
would send her family nudie girl postcards?  What's even worse, is
your pretending to keep them for the FAKE, CRAPPY, SENTIMENTAL
NONSENSE in the back side!  Gimme that, I'm gonna burn it along with
the rest of them, and kick you out of the house to find yourself a
REAL woman!"  

Tucking the postcard into a fold of his gi, and getting into a
ready stance, Genma taunted the boy.  "You'll have to take it from me
first!  That is, if you really can, boy!"

"Heh."  Pausing for a second to take a quick look around their
neatly kept living room, the young man coolly asked his father,  "Are
you sure you want me to beat you here, pops?  It'll tear the house up,
and then you'll make me clean everything up. (By myself. Again.)
You'll claim to be too beat-up and sore to do anything, and just lie
down on the couch.
Wouldn't you rather take this out in back, in the yard, and save us
both a lot of trouble?
That way, after I beat you up, you'll already be part way outside, so
It'll be no trouble at all for you to head on out and see if some
woman takes pity on you.  Because, with your looks, I don't see how
else you'll get a date, much less find yourself a new wife."

Relaxing into an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose, Genma replied with
a condescending smile.  "Hmm.  You could be right about a few things
after all.  
It is obvious you've forgotten what your own mother looks like, or
you'd realize what a load of crap you've just said.
But then again, your grades prove that sitting around doing nothing
all day at that fancy high school of yours has only damaged what
little bits of sense you may have had.
It has probably made your body as soft as your head, as well.
Yes, it would probably be best for Poor Little Ranma not to spar at
all today.  It would be much better for all of us if I just fix him a
warm cup of milk and send the good little boy upstairs for a short nap
instead.  That way, he won't be so cranky by dinner time, when MY
DEVOTED WIFE, YOUR MOTHER, NODOKA, WHOM YOU WILL RESPECT, gets home."
Having said that, he quickly assumed a tighter stance and continued
with a smirk. "Or maybe you're just too scared to find out how much
worse than your old man you really are?"

With a growl and an angry glare, Ranma leaped.  "ARRGHH!  Forget
about the stupid postcard, pops.  This time you are going down!
Nobody, not even you, calls me stupid to my face, dares to treat me
like a three-year old, and lives!"  After that, the sparring session
had somehow eventually degenerated into a brawl that spilled over into
the backyard, after trashing most of the open space inside the house.
Then that odd girl showed up, disappeared, and mom actually showed
up.  
All in all a rather busier day than he had expected when he woke up
that morning.

 
[This flash back was unnecessary. I think I can understand how you got here
though, as I have done this to myself many times. I would suggest re-writing
this chapter in natural order, in other words, start off with the events of
the flashback, not the flashback itself. Then follow through with the
beginning you have now. Describe the action more, break up the long pieces
of dialogue and stick with one POV per scene until you have gotten the knack
of changing it without making the reader's head swim.]
 
Hope this helps,
 
Don Granberry.

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